The Year Is Dying

Requiem Dos Mil Tres. Lots of stuff happened this year. Mostly pretty good stuff happened to me. Although, I don't think I'm the rule, I'm probably the exception.

Another year, another war. Who's it gonna be this year? Odds are 2 to 1 for war with Syria. 3 to 1 with Saudi Arabia. 3 to 1 with Pakistan. 3 to 1 with Iran. 7 to 1 with N. Korea.

Texas Is A Right to Work State

I wonder if this is what they meant? You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. - Bhagavad Gita

He Forgot?!

Police in Miami arrested a man today who was passing thru a metal detector at the airport. He was asked to remove his shoes, wherein a knife and an icepick were discovered. He said that he forgot about having them in his shoes. My feet are much more sensitive than that!

Yes, They're Paying For It

Australian sperm banks are advertising for donors. They will pay for a round trip ticket and two weeks accomodations.

Break On Through

The Doors are back! Will the new singer get drunk and piss on the crowd too? I can't wait!

Hasidic Saying

�God is not nice, and God is not an uncle. God is an earthquake.�

Ryan Patrick Owen Jason Kelly

I am now a grandpa! Ryan was born 11-28-03 at 11:07 pm in Austin, Texas. He's got a heavy load to carry with all those names, but I'll help him out.

How Do I Sign Up?

A doctor specializing in pain management has developed the much sought after orgasmatron. But, he's having trouble getting volunteers to test the device. Huh?

Hey, Watch That Old Woman Over There!

An American Airlines jetliner had to be escorted back to Miami by two USAF fighter jets shortly after taking off due to an unruly female senior citizen. C'mon, you can't control an old woman? Buh-bye.

Hey, Tampax, What Do You Want to Drink?

According to a survey Americans are naming their children after brand names. There are several 3 year-olds named Chevy, Delmonte, Infiniti, Celica, and more. There are even two kids named ESPN!

God Help Us

I found this prayer on progressivetheology.org.

From the cowardice that dare not face new truth,
From the laziness that is contented with half truth,
From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver us.

Kenyan prayer

Jessica Lynch Topless!

Larry Flynt has purchased a photo of Jessica Lynch topless on a beach prior to the Iraq War. To quote the President, "Bring 'em on!"

Uh,...I Think I Get It

That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history. - Aldous Huxley

Si Se Cabe el Zapato

�Rencor? �Yo? As� se explican mis problemas.

Doctor, My Eyes

The past two days have been hard on my poor eyes. They're not so good in the first place, and what I've been doing hasn't helped. No, it's not jacking off! I've been going over a translation of the unemployment information booklet. So, I've been staring at the computer screen trying to decide if we should have two spaces after a period or not. It turns out not. We have something like 31 pages of text to get mashed into 28 pages. I've been changing line spacing, font size of line breaks, putting things together so that I can take them apart again. The ironic thing about it all is that no one is going to read it! People never read their little booklet. Hmm...I wonder if I could get away with...

300 Illegal Workers Arrested at Wal-Marts

So, what's this shit about being so concerned about America and American products? Maybe, that's just a marketing strategy.

All Your Base...

Are belong to us.

Free Fall, Expensive Landing + 2

Yesterday and today mark the dates 2 years ago that I had my most unfortunate incident, and the surgery to repair it, respectively. It was two years ago yesterday that I accomplished my first (and last) skydive, resulting in two broken bones in my right leg. I broke the tibia and the fibula which the orthopedic surgeons quaintly refer to as a �tib-fib.�

On October 14, 2001 (a beautiful fall day without a cloud in the sky) I did a tandem jump from 12,000 feet. A tandem jump is where you are strapped, buckled, tied and everywhich way connected to an experienced jumper who does all the work. The guy I was attached to weighed about 250 lbs. Our weights together would easily exceed 425 lbs. Let me just say that it�s mighty hard to stop 425 lbs. of mass traveling at a velocity of 1 meter per second with one spindly leg contacting the earth at a most inopportune time. The results (should you ever want to try it) are that your foot will turn in ways you could never imagine, and you will get to take a ride in an ambulance. Lying in a field near a bed of ants, being unable to move very much in a completely ridiculous Evil Knieval-looking skydiving suit with a group of 6-8 onlookers asking questions like what is your driver�s license number while having to pee really bad and waiting on the ambulance to arrive are what you get without any extra charge.

On October 15, 2001 I had surgery to repair the break. I had a long thin piece of metal installed in my leg with eleven screws (one of them really more the size of a bolt) that secure it to the tibia, and keep the tibia in the proper place. The surgeon seemed completely unconcerned about the broken fibula, and indicated that it would take care of itself (makes you wonder just what it�s for). I got to use a walker (practice for my old age) for a couple of months, and a cane for another four months. But, the best part is that I had a handicapped parking pass. The handicapped parking spaces aren�t all they�re cracked up to be though. Many of them are not at all close to the front door of an establishment, and many times they are occupied (sometimes with cars that do not have a f__king handicapped pass)!

Even now, two years later, I still have aches and pains from those two lovely days in October. Blessed are the skydivers, for they shall touch the earth.

He Was Just Trying to Shake Hands

A man in Berlin must appear in court Thursday, because he taught his German shephard to do the Heil Hitler salute. On top of that, the dog's name is Adolf!

Talk About Evil! This Is Evil!

L'Esgl�sia cat�lica difon que els preservatius s�n permeables al virus de la sida


L'Esgl�sia cat�lica assegura, als pa�sos m�s afectats per la sida, que els preservatius no s�n efica�os per evitar la transmissi� de la malaltia. Segons publica avui el diari "The Guardian", l'Esgl�sia cat�lica est� divulgant, entre la poblaci� dels pa�sos afectats per la sida, que no s'ha d'usar el preservatiu perqu� el virus d'immunodefici�ncia humana pot passar pels seus porus. El rotatiu assegura que, malgrat el consens de la comunitat cient�fica, ratificat per l'Organitzaci� Mundial de la Salut (OMS), l'Esgl�sia est�n la idea que els preservatius s�n permeables al virus.

They Did What?

This from the Harpers website about the Paris, Texas high school band, "School officials in Paris, Texas, apologized after the high school band played "Deutschland �ber alles," with the Nazi flag flying, on the evening of Rosh Hashana."

Would That Be Like a Rebuilt Alternator?

Just like a recapped tire, you can get your vagina rebuilt. Hmmm...how long before a rebuilt penis?

Uh...The Window's Open, Beavis

Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-pane - while the other half of the window is wide open? - Fingers Pointing Toward the Moon by Wei Wu Wei

We Are Sadder Than Mexicans?

New Scientist magazine published a study that says Nigerians are the happiest people in the world. Mexican are second. Both of those countries have had repressive authoritarian governments and rampant poverty, yet they are happiest. Damn, makes me sad to think about it.

Happy Birthday, Mohandas

Today is Mahatma Ghandi's 134th birthday. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God! Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama, Rama, Hare, Hare.

Of Course, This Isn't About Me

How swiftly men perish who praise themselves, unappraised of
Their real measure and unable to live peacefully with others.

Load too many of them and even peacock feathers
Would break the cart's axle.

-Tirukkural 48: 474-475

Is He Bragging or Complaining?

I was born from the nectar of immortality as the primordial horse and as Indra's noble
elephant. Among men, I am the king.

Among weapons I am the thunderbolt. I am Kamadhuk, the cow that fulfills all desires; I am
Kandarpa, the power of sex, and Vasuki, the king of snakes.

-Bhagavad Gita 10:27-28

But Do They Have the Death Penalty?

Scientists have discovered that monkeys have a sense of (in)justice. They don't like when another monkey gets rewarded more for the same task.

Superstitions

It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions. - T.H. Huxley

So, I guess the Big Bang Theory just isn't old enough yet for it to be superstition.

Hoy Es El Dieciseis de Septiembre

Hoy es el dia en que los mexicanos declararon su independencia de los espanoles. Es el dia de la libertad mexicana. Ahora, la pregunta pertinente es, cuando van a declarar su independencia de los EEUU?

No Shit

Sitting quietly alone
meditating is not hard.
What is hard is living
on a broad scale and
responding to the world at large.

- Wu Yubi (1391-1469)

Esta Muerto Bin Laden

Un experto del terrorismo dice que el video de Bin Laden que se revelo el anteayer es un montaje de imagenes previamente divulagadas. A mi quiere decir que el hijo de puta esta muerto. Lo que merece tambien. Que maten al otro, al Zawahiri!

Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down

One of my all-time favorite hang-over songs was sung by Johnny Cash who died today. Have one more for dessert, Johnny!

�Caballo-Bomba?

OK, ahora dicen que est�n usando animales para sus bombas en Colombia. �Qu� vergonzosos! �Por qu� no se usan sus proprios cuerpos? A lo menos los palestinos se suiciden, y no matan a animales. Probablemente, es porque valen m�s los animales en Palestina que los humanos. �Cu�nto m�s?

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money...

The day has finally arrived that our beloved, twisted Warren Zevon has passed on to that eternal resting place (�I�ll Sleep When I�m Dead�) where he can reminisce with Lynard Skynard (�Play that Dead Band�s Song�) about the virtues of Alabama, and look away (�Desperados Under the Eaves�) to the time when Roland, Norway�s favorite son, caught Van Owen in a barroom in Mombassa drinking gin (�Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner�), and wait until we send for him (�The Envoy�) because there�s guns in Damascus, woe Jerusalem.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall tell the truth.

It Took a Canadian to Write This

Oh, those ten commandments! What was that about graven images? Hmmm...looks an awful lot like the monument.

The Noose Is Tightening?

Boy, it sure must take some strength to tighten that noose! It's been tightening for two full years, and it's not caught him yet.

So, How Do I Get This Guy As My Boss?

Free from desire,
He neither praises the peaceful
Nor blames the wicked.

The same in joy and sorrow,
He is always happy.

He sees there is nothing to do.

-Ashtavakra Gita 18:82

Gift of the Neo-Cons

From Asia Times Online: "So this is the gift of Washington's neo-conservatives to the world: instead of a democratic Iraq, a putrid state infected by a guerrilla virus and on the verge of a devastating civil and ethnic war." So, who's shocked and awed now?

The Peace Is Deadlier Than The War

The number of dead US soldiers since the President declared victory on May Day has now outnumbered those killed during the war. Some victory!

Rama vs. Allah

Allah, for the moment, has the upper hand in this battle. But, expect for Rama to get in some blows too.

Hardwood Floor?

Last weekend Jean and I went to Home Depot to see how much it might cost to get a hardwood floor in our living room, because the carpet in there was all worn out. We found these parquet tiles for $0.98 per sq. foot. Well, you can't beat that price! I mean usually the stuff costs $5.00 per sq foot. We measured the room and it's close to 350 sq feet. So we decide to buy it. She had heard a radio ad that said this company would come to your house and do 8 hours of work for $350. Well, putting all that together it's like $700 for a hardwood floor, when they usually cost around $4,000. So, Monday after work I go to Home Depot and buy the flooring. Jean called the company on Monday and they said yes they will do that work and yes it's $350. She called again on Tuesday to confirm that they would do the work for $350. Well, that afternoon a guy calls saying that she had been given the wrong price, that it would be more like $2000. So, we tell them to forget it. We try to find someone else and of course no one else does it that cheap either. Except for yours truly, of course.

Now, I'm not one of those guys that likes home projects. In fact, I hate them. I would rather pay too much than do the work myself. But, in this case, I really don't have any choice except to take the flooring back. So, I decide to do it myself. We spend last night moving furniture, and pulling up carpet. Today cleaning the concrete underneath, blah, blah, blah. So then about 11:30 this morning I started laying the wood tiles. I just stopped a little bit ago, and let me tell you, it is just as hard as I thought it was. It is not easier than I thought, and it's not harder than I thought (of course, I am naturally pessimistic and I thought it would be pretty nigh impossible to start with). Lemme tell ya, it's a bitch. My hands are used to typing as the most strenuous thing they do, so putting down adhesive, laying these interlocking tiles, and being on my hands and knees all day has just about done me in. So my hands and knees are all swollen and blistered. Poor me! Poor me! And I'm not even fucking through. I have the other half to go tomorrow!

Don't try this at home. Let someone else do it for you!

You Can Say That Again!

Prosperity and ruin issue from the power of the tongue.
Therefore, guard yourself against thoughtless speech.

-Tirukkural 65: 641-642

Levitra

From a report by the Associated Press emphasis added: "The FDA approved Levitra, known chemically as vardenafil, based on studies showing that men were on average five times more likely to achieve an erection suitable for intercourse when taking the pill compared with those given a dummy medicine."

Steak and Kidney Pie?

Idi Amin, gourmet cannibal and former Uganda dictator, is looking for a kidney donor. He doesn't need it to live, he just wants a snack.

Now, That's What I Call Humane

From Harper's website: Thailand announced that it will start using lethal injection to execute prisoners instead of shooting them with a machine gun while they hold a stick of incense and a lotus blossom.

McArabia, It's Not a Joke

McDonald's in Egypt has launched a new sandwich called, get this, the McArabia. It's a chicken sandwich with two pieces of "Arab bread." It's their effort to win customers back after the boycott against American products. I'd like to try one, to get a taste of some "authentic Arab food."

Hiroshima

Today is the day in 1945 that the US dropped the A-bomb on Hiroshima. The mayor of Hiroshima has accused the US of "adoring arms as if they were a god." Our SAM missle, hallowed be thy name, thy warhead come thy will be done on earth as it is in Lockheed-Martin. Give us this day our daily violence, and forgive us our peace inklings as we forgive those who make peace against us. Lead us not into conservation, but deliver us from ecologists, for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the depleted uranium forever. Amen

Is He Dead Yet?

A prayer you can agree with.

Not Very Encouraging

The Buddha forbore to specify:
as long as there is any 'one' to suffer
- he will.
- 'Posthumous Pieces' by Wei Wu Wei

Do What?

Someone who is about to admonish another must realize within himself five qualities before doing so [that he may be able to say], thus:

"In due season will I speak, not out of season. In truth I will speak, not in falsehood. Gently will I speak, not harshly. To his profit will I speak, not to his loss. With kindly intent will I speak, not in anger."

-"Vinaya Pitaka," translated by F.S. Woodward

It's Gettin' Harder and Harder to Do

Those who cannot renounce attachment to the results of their work
are far from the path.

-Bhagavad Gita 6:1-2

Reduction in Force

We are being riffed. I am having to apply for the fucking job I already have. After 18 years with this place, they are going to do that to me! Getting madder by the minute.

That Explains a Few Things

A new study says that if you wear your tie too tight, you run the risk of going blind. So, that's what's wrong with the politicians!

Just Say No to a Hard-On?

The (mis)use of Viagra in Brazil has spread to those young people that have no need for it, according to the government there. So now it is illegal to advertise Viagra in Brazil. Too many people getting the "benefit" of it. What's next, will use of "personal lubricant" become too widespread among those persons young enough not to need it? Do we have to make advertising that illegal too?

Cuban Ingenuity

Cubans have been under an embargo by the US for 35 or 40 years. We haven't allowed any trade with them, so they have all these Chevys and Fords from back in the '50s that they have miraculously kept running. Now, they've made a '51 Chevy truck into a motor boat. We need those guys here! What did we send them back for?

Step Back from the Fan, 'Cause the Shit's About to Hit

This is the kind of stuff that'll getcha killed.

Life After Death, What For? Isn't Once Enough?

Excellent thoughts on reincarnation. At least not everybody used to be Cleopatra!

May You Be Well...

May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.


- Buddha

Yellowcake?

It looks like the only uranium that wound up in Iraq is the kind we put there in the two Gulf Wars. It's not yellowcake though, it's called depleted.

Oh, yeah?

All understanding begins with our not accepting the world as it appears.
- Alan C. Kay

Betcha u gotta tv built in your jet skis

Check out these lyrics from Macy Gray.

Can You Say Carlysle Group?

It looks like the Bush administration is trying to cover up the participation of the Saudi government in the attacks of 9-11. Hmm...would the Carlysle Group have anything to do with this? Could is just be coincidence that George Sr. is on the board, along with James Baker, et al?

Is This Another Case of Incompetence in the Intelligence Community?

David Kelly, the man who many suspect of having broken the story to the BBC about the forged documents from Niger, had turned up dead. Now, really, this is complete incompentence! He testified before the House of Commons on Tuesday, for God's sake. They killed him two days late! When are they ever gonna learn?

Now That's What I Call Good News!

A study conducted by an Australian doctor, Graham Giles, demonstrates that if men masturbate and have at least 5 ejaculations per week, they run a significantly smaller risk of prostate cancer. It says that men who masturbate 5 times a week between the ages of 20 and 50 have one third the chance of developing the illness. Alas, I'm already over 50! Maybe I can make up for all those years at once. See ya later!

Claudette

Well, she came and she went. Really, not much to her, at least in Austin. She came in with a bang in Victoria though. Barely got any rain here, yet anyway.

Now Anyone Can Be a Star with an Internet Connection!

Sunday night I wrote an email to the editor of the Asia Times about what might have happened to Saddam's WMD. Well, lo and behold, it got published! Yes, from me of all people! Wow, I'm turning up all over the place! Now, if I could just get that Op Ed piece published in the Wall Street Journal...

Is It A Headache?

I'm having one of those pains in the neck and the head that could easily go away and turn into nothing. Or, it could just as easily turn into a full blown (and I mean blown) down on the bed headache. Hmmm...what's it gonna be?

Wisdom of the Buddha, well actually one of his followers

No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease.
-Dogen

Houston

Just got in from a quick weekend trip to Houston. It's a big city, and I like that. Most people speak badly about Houston, but at least you get to really drive there! You have to speed up when you get to the city limits, that's a good thing. Ate at one of my new favorite places, Fadi's. It's Middle Eastern food. I think the place is Lebanese, but whatever it is it's great!

It's So Hard to Understand Anymore

The Cypriot government has approved "mixed" marriages. Does that mean you can now marry between races? Does it mean men can marry men, maybe? No, it means that Greek Cypriots can marry Turkish Cypriots. Huh? What? I don't get it, they call that mixed? Oh my!

User Error

At my office we often work on very big Word files making very trivial (in my mind) changes. Anyway, we've had this terrible problem with Word losing our files and not saving our changes. That problem vanished this past week. One of us was on vacation last week. That same person is the one that always discovers the problem with Word losing files. Hmmm...do ya think there's a connection? Duh.

WMD - Error 404

Look closely! You might find something funny.

Disconnect

This morning I had the hardest time waking up, and I may not be completely awake now. I sorta feel disconnected, like I'm not really where I am. Half asleep, half dreaming. Yes, it's weird.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri

Iran has announced the capture of the number 2 man in Al-Qaeda. This guy is really the brains and force behind Bin Laden. So, why isn't this showing up on American media? They must not believe it! It looks like Iran is trying to get out from under American pressure by claiming to have one of the most wanted fugitives and using him as a bargaining chip. Funny they didn't arrest him until they started having street demonstrations against the government. Hmm...

Puh-leez

Man, what they expect from you when you get back from vacation! They really expect me to work. C'mon, we all know better than that!

We're Back

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without any connection to the Internet. Actually, it wasn't bad. It turns out that Del Rio and Ciudad Acu�a are very, very much nicer than any other border town I've ever been to. They advertise that they are the "Best of the Border," and I'll give it to them...they really are! Well, tomorrow it's back to work, damn it!

Run for the Border

We're leaving this afternoon for the Border. That's an area about 100 miles wide (50 miles on each side of the border) that's a third country, it's not the US and it's not Mexico. It's La Frontera. Got to be one of the strangest places on earth. It's so strange I can't describe it. Anyway, this quote by Man-an a Zen master from the 16th century sorta sums it up: "You should know that there is that which is beyond even the beyond."

God Help Me

I am scheduled to be in meetings for all day today and all day tomorrow. They will be on a subject that I detest, and I am dreading every moment of it. The good thing is that I will be leaving on vacation tomorrow after work. God help me 'til then!

But What Will They FEEL Like?

Madame Toussaud's wax museum in London will have a wax Britney Spears with moving breasts. Evidently, they are going to make them out of balloons so they'll have some movement to them. Why would we care?

Bastards!

Hans Blix has called certain members of the Bush administration bastards! Now, we're gettin' good. Let's hear what they really think!

Was It His Struggle or His Head?

The famous book by Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, has recently come under scrutiny. Suspicion is that it really means My Head, and that he was complaining about a chronic headache.

Austin #1 and #2

In results released this past weekend Fortune magazine named Austin as the #1 city for single people. This was based on entertainment, cost of living, etc. Austin came in just ahead of Denver/Boulder. On the same weekend Austin was also named #2 for problems with allergies, just behind Chappel Hill, NC. It's a good place to meet someone special if you can get them to stop sneezing long enough to introduce yourself.

As If the Monica Affair Wasn't Bad Enough!

It seems that Sharon Stone is going to portray Hillary Clinton in a movie biography made by A&E about the Clinton White House years. Poor Hillary! Sharon Stone is such a cunt, I wouldn't think Hillary would be pleased with the choice.

The Results Are In

The 2003 Atilla Award goes to...ahem...George W. Bush for the Iraq war, his disregard for environmental agreements, and his record on human rights. My vote went for the US Military due to its destruction of the Iraqi environment, but I'm very please with the ultimate winner. Don't Mess With Texas!

Maybe He's Actually that Smart

It has occurred to to me maybe Saddam Hussein really had those WMDs. But, he secretly destroyed them as the invasion started, because he knew that when Bush and Blair couldn't produce them, they would get booted out of office. Hmm...

No $ 4 U

This takes the cake, or something like cake. The Accident Group, a name that could cause all kinds of jokes, fired 2500 people by text messages on their phones. Seems they went out of business, and thought text messaging was the best way to inform everyone. In turn the former workers sacked the company's call centers, taking computers, coffee makers, etc.

Now, There's a Thought!

Iran has requested (demanded) that the US apologize to the international community for supporting Al-Qaeda in the past. Hey, guys, uh...we're not supposed to talk about that...uh, that could bring up all kinds of stuff.

7:54 AM - 78 F, 25 C

No shit, it never cooled off last night! June 1st and we're already this hot. Oh hell, it's gonna be a bad one!

So, What's the Big Deal? Just Bring 'Em to Texas!

The Aussies and Brits are shocked that the US is planning a death camp at Camp Delta in Guantanamo. What the hell to they think Huntsville Death Row is? As blood-thirsty as we Texans are, just bring 'em here, we'll kill 'em.

Well, He Has to Do Something!

Mike Tyson has admitted that he wants to rape the woman he was convicted of raping back in 1991. That's PRESENT tense, not past. You see, he says he didn't rape her back then, but his conviction made him so mad that he wants to now. Maybe we should have him share a prison cell with Dr. Kevorkian.

At Least It Wasn't a Self-Inflicted Shotgun Blast to His Back

The brains behind the suicide bombing last week in Casablanca has died in prison from heart and liver disease. According to the authorities the autopsy confirmed that it was from natural causes. Yeah, right!

Synchronized Swimming Censored!

Yes, friends, that subversive activity called synchronized swimming has gone overboard. The Brazilian Synchronized Swimming Team has had to change their routine due to excessive violence. Say what? Yes, it has too much violence to be used in the Pan-American Games. The team was making hand pistols and pointing in unison (of course) toward the audience. Oh my.

Now, That Sounds Like a Good Idea!

Looks like the Algerians have a unique way of petitioning the govenment. Maybe we Americans should adopt something like that.

Don't Touch Me! I Mean It!

Now you too can kick ass! Just buy this Electric Jacket. No, it's not a new execution device invented in Texas. It's for "self-defense." Sorta like our attack on Iraq was in self-defense.

May All Sentient Beings Be Happy

Studies confirm that Buddhists really are happier that the rest of us. This has been verified by some brain scans that reveal more activity in the centers responsible for pleasant emotions. Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha...

One Already Got Thru to the President

The Canadian Agriculture Office has announced that Mad Cow Disease has been found in Canada in the province of Alberta. The US government has decided to stop importation of bovines from the province.

Have You Been Wondering About Jerry Hall's Life? I Haven't

I don't know what to call her, model maybe, groupie maybe, hanger-on...anyway, Mick Jagger's ex (that's her real claim to fame) is going to have a TV show on the BBC about what it's like to be a superstar. I wonder how she would know?

Chickenhawks Beware!

Modeled after the top 55 most wanted Iraqi Ba'athists, there is now available the Chickenhawk Cards. They list the 54 top Republican Chickenhawks. Chickenhawks are defined as bellicose, prominent persons who avoided service in the military themselves. They just want someone else to fight for them!

Wouldn't a Handgun Have Been Easier?

A man walked into a grocery store, went into the meat department, and cut off his ownhead with a bandsaw designed for cutting meat. He only made it half-way through before he fell to the floor.

Now, That's What I Call Public Health!

China has warned sufferers of SARS that they can be executed if they spread the disease. Just violating a quarantine can get you 7 years in prison. Nothing like blaming the victim, I say!

The Right to Strike?

As far as is known, the members of the Texas Legislature are the only employees of the State of Texas with the right to strike. Well, maybe not really the right to strike (since the DPS is out after them), but at least the right not to come to work and still not lose their job. Well, maybe not the right to stay home and not lose their job, but at least the right to not do any work and still keep their job. Well, maybe...

Yeah But, Do They Have Seat Covers?

Naked-Air is now offering nude flying to nude resorts in Yucatan. If you think you'd like to do that, click here for reasons to reconsider.

Ain't It the Truth!

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car, and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.
� Ellen Goodman quoted in Stepping Lightly by Mark A. Burch

Movie Review

Review: The Lost Dutchman (Click here to see promotional poster)

Harry Arp, who wrote, scripted, produced, directed, and starred in the autobiographical �The Lost Dutchman,� has created his masterpiece work. In this wonderfully complex yet simple film he breaches the metaphysical divide between movies and the existential condition of postmodern life. His narrative works on several levels.

This story of a Dutchman lost in his world and seeking shelter is a captivating story on the surface-narrative level which guarantees its box office success. The global audience will be enthralled and drawn into the story which is so universal in its expression of the human condition as to cross all cultural boundaries from the pre-modern tribes of Papua New Guinea, to the more modern societies of the Indian subcontinent, to the postmodern mega-state of the European Union and North America. Mr. Arp has succeeded where no other filmmaker has even dared to tread.

On a symbolic level, Mr. Arp makes use of the symbol of water which takes us to the archetypal level of birth, life, and the always changing yet always same aspects of life on this planet. An early scene in the film shows Mr. Arp wandering as if in a drug induced stupor near a large river where he falls to his knees in worship of a phenomenon that is visible only to him. The vision, withheld from the audience, is so powerful to Mr. Arp that he removes his clothing and dives into the river wherefrom he later emerges draped in a purple robe. This universal image of rebirth resonates with all religions, but it evoked in this viewer parallels with the first chapter of Mark in the New Testament where Jesus is baptized by John the Baptist and emerges from the water touched by the Holy Spirit. With the epiphany still fresh in his mind Harry leads us (and we willingly follow) to an astonishing revelation about the power of the Horse of Holy Faith represented by El Caballo de Santa Fe which grazes in peace by the river calling to mind the 23rd Psalm. Arp juxtaposes the primordial symbol of power under control, El Caballo, with the stone tablet on which it is carved, heralding the handing down of divine law. The following scene in which he eats grass and drinks river water on all fours alongside El Caballo finishing with the simultaneous evacuation of his and El Caballo�s bowels brings us to a depth meaning never before seen in the history of film.

On the subconscious level Mr. Arp succeeds as he has his character wear a crown of question marks to denote the immortal and constant question-maker which is the human mind. He masterfully touches our depths with the deeply moving symbol of the octagon-shaped stop sign wherein the expected word �Stop� is replaced by the less comforting and personalized word �Lost.� Arp emphasizes this contrast of the anticipated with the actual later in the film when he finds himself confronted with the appearance of another similarly shaped sign bearing the word �stop,� guiding himself and us to a profound understanding of that word. He masterfully brings to the screen the sense of meaninglessness, abandonment, and fear in which our species encounters an impassive universe. Yet he never allows us to lose sight of the life-affirming potential of hope as he deftly displays the name of his film on a street sign perpendicular to the esoteric SR 88, a subtle reference to the �morning-after� pill RU-486 from which the viewer infers the God-like benefits that postmodern relativism has conferred on us. Here he engages us in our own quest for meaning, and encourages us to define for ourselves what life as we know it can mean within the confines of our sexual instincts.

I heartily recommend this soon to be Oscar-winning film. Five stars, two thumbs, and one penis up!

Marcos Arroyos

Why Do You Seek the Dead Among the Living?

According to the French newspaper, Le Figaro, Osama Bin Laden is dead. Their researcher has concluded that he died in December 2001 in the mountains near Tora Bora. All the tapes and videos since then are fakes or montages from previous ones, the researcher says.

I Wanna a New Drug?

There's a new "drug" in India that will give you an illusionary and floating experience. But don't run out trying to buy it just yet. It's a scorpion sting. Yes, getting stung by scorpions will produce the sought after affect.

Atilla in a China Cabinet

I found a website in Spain where you can nominate a person or entity (like a company) for the annual Atila (as they spell it) Award. That's given to the person or entity that has caused the most environmental destruction. I nominated the Armed Forces of the United States for their massive destruction of the environment of Iraq.

Believe

"Serve me up some pret-tay, pret-tay people,
Serve me up somebody I can believe..."
-Joan Osborne

Didja ever wonder why all those people on cable news are always good looking? It's so they'll be believable.

That's One Way to Get Head!

A 24-year old man was running around in the border area of Germany near Limburg with a woman's head in one hand and a knife in the other. The article says he was arrested. He comes from Kosovo.

Roll Out Those Hazy Days of Summer

Yes, summer is here. No it's not you say, it's only May 6th. Well, if you're in Austin, Texas you know damn well that it's summertime. Yesterday the temperature was over 90, and today it's supposed to be again. That's really not the bad part; the bad part is that it doesn't get any cooler at night than about 73. But, the real thing that determines when summer's here is the haze. It's so fucking hot that the ozone and the hydrocarbons combine to form a haze over the entire area (hell, over the entire state probably). When you get the haze the heat really has nowhere to go because the haze holds it in. Yes, it's gonna be a long, hot one. The rest of the world lives the winter months inside out of the weather. Here in Texas we live the summer months inside out of the weather, and summer starts in May and ends in November (when we're lucky and the summer is short). God help us all!

So, You Want to Kill Him?

Why not enter his Lotto for a good seat at the death chamber. Zacarias Moussaoui has offered a multiple choice quiz. If you answer the question correctly, and your name is drawn, you too can witness his execution. Good luck.

Will the Real Mayor of Baghdad Please Stand Up?

I am the real Mayor of Baghdad! That Iraqi ex-patriot is a fraud! No need to look any further, it's me and I'm right here. To quote Alexander Haig, "I'm in charge here, gentlemen."

Not SARS

I have come down with a flu or something like that. I'm having a sever burning in my chest, and I'm coughing a lot. When I cough it feels like something is tearing in my chest. I have a burning in the back of my sinuses, and I feel very exhausted. But, according to the little scrolling news on CNN, I don't have SARS. It says that if the first symptoms are respiratory, then it's not SARS. For all I know, it could be menopause.

Put That Back!

No justice, no piece. It looks like the Imam's are taking drastic steps. This comes from harpers.org. "Some looters were surrendering stolen goods after learning that a cleric issued an edict forbidding Iraqi wives from having sex with their looter husbands." But, what about looter wives?

Home(ly) Depot

Last night my wife and I went to Home Depot to pick up some paint for touch up in the dining room. I admit I don't go there often, but I have been there quite a few times. Last night (Friday night) there was the ugliest crop of people I've ever seen concentrated in one place. There was not one person that looked even average. Maybe it was a Friday night thing, like if you're at Home Depot on Friday night, you're not good looking enough to be doing anything else. You just work on the house where you live alone. I can't remember the homely people being out in such force anywhere else I've been. Of course, you might say well, what were you doing there? If everyone else was so homely, you must be too, after all you were there on a Friday night, weren't you? Hmmm...

Let's See That Lingerie

Sony has withdrawn their application for trademark and patent of the phraseshock and awe. Now, it's up to the other applicants to see who gets to use it. I'm pulling for the lingerie line that applied. I really want to see what they have in mind.

Bull Horns

Yesterday while driving home I witnessed something that I suppose you could only see in Texas. You know how when you are at a red light waiting to turn right? Well, it never fails that someone in one of those over-sized pick-ups pulls up in the lane next to you, far enough out to block your view of the traffic. That always pisses me off, but yesterday, I got a double dose. The first huge pick-up with the oversized wheels pulls up to my left and blocks my view. So, I inch up a little to see the traffic, and I notice that this truck has a wench on the front for pulling other over-sized trucks out of the mud. That makes the front of it stick out even farther. Just as I pull up so I can see traffic, another huge over-sized truck pulls up to the left of the first one. Of course, it pulled up a little further. There's something unconscious about blocking the person's view that's trying to turn right. This second truck has, yes I'm not kidding, a set of horns on the front. Not horns like honking, horns like from a bull! That's the kind of things you might see on a postcard, but in real life? Well, I guess they have to base those postcards on something! Horns on the front of an over-sized pick-up truck. What the hell does that mean? I guess it means you're in Texas.

Remember the Crowd at the Saddam Statue?

Well, it wasn't really that big after all. What else has been fabricated?

Shock and Awe?

Forget the Sony application, I want the one for the lingerie! What's that one like?

Can He Appeal for Reason of Inadequate Defense?

Yesterday, I served (endured) Jury Duty. I was called to a Justice of the Peace court to be a part of a jury panel. My great misfortune is that I was selected to be one of the 6 member jury that actually heard the case. The case was a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the truancy of a minor. The father of a 4th grader was charged because he had allowed his daughter to miss school repeatedly. He was one of these fundamentalist Christians that doesn't believe the schools are fit for his children. That's really no problem, because he has the choice of putting them in private schools or doing what's called home schooling. Of course, he didn't want to do that either. He wanted to be able to dictate to the school system what and how it would teach. He represented himself. There's an old saying that goes: "A man who represents himself in court has a fool for a lawyer." This guy certainly met that description. The jury endured around 7 hours of this guy repeating the same shit over and over. He successfully insulted everyone in the court room (including the jury) more than once. We found him guilty and fined him $250. If we had been able to put him in jail, I would have voted for that. In fact, I wanted to "max him out," ($500 fine) but the rest of the jury decided on fining him half of the max. Too bad! Anyway, yesterday's experience makes me wonder what the penalty would be for not reporting to jury duty. I really don't think it could be any worse.

If It Had Said, "Kill 'Em All," You Could Come In

Another one of those nasty T-shirts for peace shows up at the mall! Peace be upon you.

She Was Playing Both Sides Twice

Retired FBI agent, James Smith, has been charged with having an affair with a double agent for the People's Republic of China. Now, this gets complicated...but I guess all double agent stories are complicated. Okay, she was working for the FBI spying on China while she was spying on the US for China. Her "cover" was that she was a Republican Party activist. Her lover, Mr. Smith, worked in the office that investigated allegations of suspicious campaign contributions to the Clinton White House from China. She was working for the FBI, the Chinese, the Republicans, and investigating the Democrats. Wow!

Don't Mess with This Jewish Mother

In Jerusalem a 49 year old woman killed her 26 year old son for not putting his computer game up and making up his bed. She asked him to do that and returning to his room saw him lying on his bed without having done it. She asked him why he hadn't dont anything, and he chewed her out. She went to the kitchen, got a knife, came back, and stabbed him to death.

Generalisimo Francisco Franco Sigue con Vida

Many years ago Saturday Night Live had a running joke about Francisco Franco staying alive for years after he really died. It was because the Franco government kept announcing that Franco was sick, but still alive. I think we're running into the same thing with Saddam. We keep killing him, and he keeps turning up alive!

Of Course It Has Industrial Uses

The town of Novozybkovo has been ridiculed for putting a cannabis emblem on its town flag. The government has ordered all towns to adopt a flag. Let's see, if we had to do that in Austin, it would be a young man in sloppy clothes lying on the grass with a backpack for a pillow.

Get Back to Work!

Okay, okay, vacation is over, but does that mean I have start working right away? I opened my email this morning and had 147 emails waiting for me. Out of those I answered two, I think. Getting that many emails might make one think he's important, but only answering two puts the lie to that! By the way, both of those I answered were personal. Like I've said before: They pretend to pay us, and we pretend to work.

Texarkana In The Spotlight

Texarkana is hosting the National Narcotic Detector Dog Association conference for 2003. I learned this not from the local news, but from a website in Spain. Texarkana on the world stage!

Texas Fight, Texas Fight...

It turns out that the woman in charge of Saddam's chemical and biological weapons program, Houda Salih Mahdi Ammash, attended the University of Texas back in the '70s. US General Tommy Franks, who is in charge of the whole Operation Iraqi Freedom, is also a UT graduate. We're No. 1!

Americans Are from Mars, Europeans Are from Venus

Americans are like adolescents infatuated with their power and unilateral, while Europeans are more subtle, indirect, and multilateral. At least that's the way Robert Kagan sees it. Interesting way to look at the latest dispute. W as the hyperactive, prideful teenager, and Chirac as the smarter more nuanced adult. Let's bring in a marriage counselor!

Just Who's In Charge Here?

Who wrote this play in which we have to laugh, cry, and exit according to the script? No
god can write it, nor can Buddha. Only your own mind can write it.

-Jae Woong, "Polishing the Diamond"

They Got the Idea from Geraldo

It has come to light that the government owned radio station in Swaziland has been airing reports from a special "envoy" named, Phesheya Dube, in Iraq. The on air personalities have been admonishing him to stay safe and out of the way of bombs. Only one problem, there is no Swazi correspondent in Iraq. It's all theater! Makes ya wonder about ours, huh? Maybe all those fuzzy looking pictures on the videophone are really coming from the desert in New Mexico.

Vacation Time

Since I work for the government, I earn lots of vacation time. It's supposed to make up for the low salaries they pay us. Anyway, I'm taking this week off from work. After I do that, I'll only have 5 1/2 weeks of vacation left available. Since, I'll be off, I'll have lots of free time, so I should be posting a lot. No money to go on trips, but a whole lot of time!

I Want My MTV (Sanitized)
Believe it or not, MTV is imposing self-censorship. That's a little hypocritical in my book. Why, all of a sudden, is it important to "clean up" what viewers can see? After all, they're only censoring anything related to war or protests against it. I think if we could see some of the blood and guts, we might not be so gung ho about it.

I Feel Better Already

At last I can exhale! NFL Europe is going ahead with its season in spite of the War on Iraq.

Otherwise Occupied

Well, the past few days I've been very occupied with the war. Of course, not that I'm going to be able to affect it. Anyway, I'll be trying to make posts a little more regularly. Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar!

Pneumonia Psychosis

What may be worse that the actual SARS disease is the
fear that the disease is causing. At the Prince of Wales hospital in Hong Kong everyone is wearing protective masks, and "people are paralyzed with fear." In Singapore thousands of masks have been sold in the last three days. If the cruise missle and the suicide bomber don't getcha the paramyxovirus will.

We Are Rolling

As of about 5 minutes ago we are flying over Iraq with bombers. The Hard Rain's Begun To Fall.
Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar!

Remnant Who Will Return

David Mitchell aka Emmanuel has told his lawyer that he considers Elizabeth Smart his wife, and he wants to rename her Remnant Who Will Return. Great name, but where did he get it? From God?

Busybody Mother-in-Law Official Reason for Divorce

The Italian Supreme Court has affirmed a lower court's decision that an interfering mother-in-law is sufficient reason for awarding a divorce.

Talking Fish Warns of the Apocalypse

A Hasidic Jew in New York who is a fish seller has encountered a fish that speaks Hebrew and has warned of the
end of the world. You never know when you are uhm...walk...talking to the Messiah.

St. Patrick's Day Haircut

Well, not really, but I did cut my hair and it is St. Patrick's Day. Actually, it's my summer haircut. Summer, you say? Yeah, in a matter of a week or two, it's gonna be so fuckin' hot around here you'd think it's summer. Texas has 9 months of summer, 2 1/2 months of winter, and one week each of spring and fall. Spring's over!

Love Is Not Enough

Ironically, the same newspaper is reporting that British women who place personal ads for men are mainly looking for a rich man. I guess if he can afford the Viagra, he has enough money to get to use it! One interesting fact is that women describe the kind of man they are want. Men, on the other hand, describe themselves and not the kind of woman they want. The psychologist that did the study says it "this is Darwinism of personal ads."

Once Per Week Is Not Enough

A British medical journal is reporting that Brit men can get Viagra but under the National Health Service that can only have one blue pill per week. The "patients" feel that the Service should be more generous. I wonder what their wives think. Has anyone asked them?

ET Day

A Republican from New Mexico, the Roswell area exactly, has proposed an Extraterrestrial Culture Day for his state. He says such a day would "improve relations among citizens of the entire universe - known and
unknown." No harm in that, right? May all actions of the various legislatures be as harmless! Namaste!

Texas Pride

We are Number One! Texas has put more people to death than any other state, and probably any other country. It's hard to be humble when you're in the Top Spot! We don't care how irregular the justice is, we're just proud of the punishment.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

The following definition comes from a web page on the "Resurgence" website. "HAPPINESS IS BUT a fleeting, abnormal state that results from satiation of our animal, instinctual selves whether by eating, sex, companionship or self-preservation." Say what?

MIG-21 for Sale on Ebay

A Russian MIG-21 is up for sale on Ebay with the high bid so far at $14,900. The plane was previously from Poland, but is being offered by a citizen of the
Netherlands. You have until Sunday March 16 to get in your bid. Where would you park something like that?

Gay Divorce in Texas

No, it's not a typo. A gay couple, who were married in Vermont where gay marriage is recognized and legal, divorced last week in Beaumont, Texas. Texas? Homophobic Texas? Well, I guess it makes sense after all, because Texas would agree that two gay men shouldn't be married, so why not grant them a divorce? Sorta funny logic, though.

Rogue Steaks

The Steak Department of the United States of America
March 9, 2003

Press release
Media type: all
Release: immediate

The United States of America Department of Steak today announces its annual list of rogue steaks, all of which take part in steak-sponsored terrorism. Inclusion on this list signifies that the United States of America deems listees to be what is commonly referred to as �outlaw steaks.� Steak-sponsored terrorism encompasses those entities that offer aid and support to organizations that seek to strike terror into the hearts of beef eaters all over the world. It can be stated without fear of contradiction that eaters of beef wish only for the peace and stability necessary for the proper consumption of steaks. So called outlaw steaks seek through the use of overcooked meat, parasite contaminated meat, and a host of other evil means at their disposal to coerce the average beef eater into giving up a well-deserved steak for the less tasty and less nutritious products of chicken or fish. Some even go so far as to promote vegetarianism, even though vegetarianism has been completely discredited since the fall of the Berlin Wall.

The purpose of this list is to make world opinion aware of the entities responsible for such evil, and to declare said entities ineligible for any aid, assistance, or other form of succor from the United States of America, its governmental subdivisions, or its individual citizens. Entities are listed below in alphabetical order.

Bhutan
Botswana
Buddhists
Cameroon
FPLGB (Frente Popular para la Liberaci�n del Ganado Bovino)
Haiti
Iran*
Iraq*
Mali
North Korea*
PETA
Poor People
Rwanda
Syria
Vegans United

* - indicates members of rogue steaks and axis of evil.

Flying Buffalo Wings?

Hooters, yes that Hooters, is going into the airline business. Hooters Air will be flying from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach, SC four times a week. The flights will have regular flight attendants in addition to "Hooters Girls" in snug T-shirts and orange short-shorts. Myrtle Beach never has been one of my top places to go. Too bad.

The Way Things Are Goin' They're Gonna Crucify Me

A woman in New Zealand has written to George Bush asking him to crucify her on television. She wants to demonstrate to him how much suffering and pain he would cause the Iraqi people by attacking. Better yet, why not put Bush on the cross?

He Died Like a Rat

A new study of historical records seems to confirm a theory that Josef Stalin was assassinated by this own collegues. Evidently, Lavrenti Beria, head of the Secret Police, and Nikita Kruschev, who succeeded Stalin, fed the Man of Steel warfarin which is a rat poison that causes strokes and hemorrhages. Stalin died of a brain hemorrhage. They were afraid he was going to start another purge against the Jews, and they thought he was ready to start a nuclear war with the US. God bless Beria! God bless Kruschev!

I Have Been Ex-Communicated, I Hope!

The website that was collecting names for voluntary ex-communication has turned in the list to the Vatican. The list has 26,000 names, and one of those names is mine. I wonder if I'll get a letter from the Pope telling me that I've been kicked out. I hope so! That would make a good heirloom.

Stalin's Grandson Requests US Citizenship

Josef Stalin's grandson, Vissari�n Dzhugashvili, has submitted an application for US citizenship. I�m not sure he can do that. I mean with him being a Communist and all!

Fat Tuesday

This link will take to to a web page to view some of Carnaval in Brazil. I'd love to go see it in person

Stupidity Is Hereditary!

According to one of the two scientists that discovered DNA,
stupidity is a genetic illness. James Watson says, "If you are really stupid, I would call that an illness." He says that if you have a low IQ and don't have a diagnosed mental illness, then you suffer from a hereditary disorder that is pass on by way of the genes, like cystic fibrosis or hemophilia. So, just how would someone who's already an adult treat this "disorder?"

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

The KKK is seeking a permit to hold a protest at the Masters this year. They want to demonstrate in favor of the Augusta National Golf Club's right to restrict membership to whoever they choose. If that turns out to be men only, well fine! Now, imagine the Club's board of directors meeting. A bunch of old white guys wanting to keep the exclusivity of their men only club, but getting help from a group that doesn't help their image. The Augusta National spokesman tried to distance the club from the KKK, but, hey, that's where it really comes from! Bobby Jones, the founder, was a really great golfer, but was also a good racist.

License Plates for Your Dog

City authorities in Frankfurt, Germany have approved a requirement for dogs to wear large "license plates" with number on them, so that they can identify those that dirty the sidewalks. Owners could be fined up to $161 for not cleaning up after their canine.

The Beautiful Also Have Problems

Poor Denise Richards, an actress who played Christmas Jones in the James Bond film "The World Is Not Enough," feels she has lost out on certain roles in other films, because she is too pretty. She says, "Directors think right away that I can't be a 'normal girl.'" We should all have those problems.

Ex-communication for 14,000 Volunteers

The website for protesting the Catholic Church's ex-communication of anyone involved in the 9 year-old rape victim's abortion has now reached 14,000 persons who say they want to be ex-communicated too! Hey, Pope, I got your ex-communication right here!

He'll Need a Flea Collar and Heartworm Pills

A man in Vidor, Texas has agreed to a plea agreement to sleep in a doghouse for 30 nights. Please be reminded that Vidor is an all-white city that about 10 years ago vociferously fought having an African-American family move into public housing there. It's one of those places that doesn't have a lot of branches on the family tree.

Sign Me Up

In Madrid a group of women has started a campaign to get themselves ex-communicated from the Catholic church. They are protesting the ex-communication of anyone who played a part in the abortion performed on a 9 year-old rape victim in Managua last week. You can sign up at www.redfemenista.org. I guess you would have to Catholic to get ex-communicated in the first place, but I think it would make a neat "badge" to be ex-communicated anyway.

Gimme That Job, or I'll Kill You!

A man at a Labor Ready, Inc. office killed four and wounded another during an agitated argument at the employment office. Maybe they'll hire him to replace the victims.

Snow Day

Actually, it's more of an ice day. There was more rain last night and the temperature never got above freezing, so we're iced in. Unfortunately, the forecast calls for more of the same all day today. Now, I don't mind being off work, but I DO mind being stuck in the house after a day or so.

Hey, That Doesn't Happen Here!

A cold front came though today dropping temperatures as the day went on. Then about the time that I left work, it started raining, then sleeting. Traffic was slowed to a crawl, and I mean a crawl. It took me 3, yes 3, hours to get home. Now, my trip normally takes 45 minutes, but the sleet was coming down so hard that froze the road over while traffic was on it. But, the real point is that we don't have that happen here in Austin. That happens with some regularity in Oklahoma, but not here! We have this kind of thing happen once every 5 to 8 years, and never at afternoon rush hour! Anyway, it's not something we are accustomed to, and we don't plan to ever get accustomed to it either. So, probably we won't be going to work tomorrow. Hmm...well, now that's not so bad after all.

It Doesn't Have to Exist to Quote It

The President quoted an economic report that doesn't exist to justify his tax cut plan. That's ok, belief is more important that reality, always has been, always will be.

We Love The Gov

Now this is what I call creativity! Check out the White House dot org. Oh, my, my, somebody's gonna get mad!

Give Me a Break!

The Nicaraguan bishop who has done several things in the cause for freedom has condemned an abortion that was done yesterday to a 9-year old girl who was raped and became pregnant. Is it God's plan that the girl be raped and give birth? If it is, then it's time for God to be assassinated and replaced with a God who has some compassion!

Was I Born Too Early?

A British program to lower the number of teen pregancies offers several alternatives to sexual intercourse. One suggestion is oral sex. Oh, Dr. Elders, imagine what would happen in the US if someone in the government advocated that!

Is This The Apocalypse?

Maybe the end times are actually here! Instead of a great conflagration a la "goetterdammerung" there will be many relatively small explosions, fires, and the like. Naaaah, not dramatic enough.

We Must Remain Vigilant(e)

Authorities stop man for wearing gas mask while driving. But, did he have on a condom?

�Cu�nto Vale el Orgasmo?

A German couple is suing their travel agency for "damages" they suffered during a trip to Cuba. They say the housekeeper entered their room twice while they were engaged in sexual intercourse and disrupted their well...uh...vacation. They are requesting $4000 in damages. Now, if that had been an American couple, they would have gone for $50,000 at the least!

Instant Aging

Leave it up to the Germans to develop an Instant Aging suit. It "allows" young people the change to feel what it's like to be 70 years old. They say it give youngsters a new sympathy for Grandma. Maybe I need to try one on!

Happy Birthday, Patty

Today is former SLA member Patty Hearst's birthday. She was born in 1954, so that would make her 49 years old. Did her money get her off? No, unless she used it as a dildo, of course.

The Kid's Got Nerve

School officials send a student home for wearing a provocative T-shirt.
I say more power to him! I doubt I would have had the nerve at that age. Hell, I don't have the nerve now!

Now They Tell Me!

Botox causes wrinkles. According to this story, even though it removes wrinkles that were there, it causes new ones in new places. So, what's the answer to combating aging? Maybe it's surrender.

Presidents' Day

Yes, today is a day to honor and remember past presidents. Mostly George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but I think it's ok to remember the others too. Let's remember Millard Fillmore the president that started Fillmore West. Well, okay, maybe he didn't, but can you remember anything else he did? Let's remember Grover Cleveland a preacher's son who had a child out of wedlock. Oh yeah, Kennedy and Clinton weren't the first to sample the citizenry! Let's remember James Garfield who held the office less than four months when he was assassinated. How about the first Gay president who died of a heart attack while sticking it to his lover in the West Wing (if you know what I mean). Well, okay, that one hasn't happened yet (at least that we know of), but it's only a matter of time.

Poor Dolly

Dolly the cloned sheep is dead. Let's all stop for a moment of silence in rememberance. She was the first cloned animal, leading the way for others later. The normal life span for a sheep is 11 to 12 years, Dolly lived for 6. They put her to sleep because she had a serious respiratory disease that caused her much suffering. Poor Dolly. Dolly is dead, long live Dolly!

It's Valen Time

One of the women on my team got a really nice crystal vase (pronounced vahz) with roses and lots of other greenery in it. It looks really expensive. Anyway, it came while we were meeting on a supposedly very important and very overdue project. Everything stopped while they fawned and cooed over it. Tears, congratulations, sweet words. The estrogen was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I'm gonna have to start wearing a bra!

Duck Tape

Here's the answer to my question about the Orange level alert. But, I just can't shake the feeling that this is all (Heathrow, anti-aircraft guns in DC, missils in N Korea that can reach us, Osama bin Laden's latest message) being orchestrated to get us to go along.

Who's on Larry King Tonight?

There are anti-aircraft guns in Washington, DC. Fighters are flying over NYC. Tanks and troops are deployed at Heathrow airport in London. We are on threat level Orange due to suspected bio/chem/radiological attack. Osama bin Laden has released a new statement calling on muslims to suicide bomb America. We are at the brink of war with Iraq. Larry King has Joan Lunden on his show tonight talking about surrogate motherhood. The fucking world is about to go straight to hell, and Larry is talking to Joan about surrogate mothers. No, he's not talking to experts on terrorism, he's not talking to former diplomats, he's talking to Joan Lunden! May God help us all.

Internet Cafe at the Top of the World

There's an Internet cafe at the peak of Mount Everest. I'm waiting for my first junk mail from up there.

No Amnesty

Ok, let me get this straight. The Supreme Court has ruled that no mentally ill prisoner can be executed. There is a prisoner on death row in Arkansas who has become mentally ill while in prison (like that's unusual). Arkansas cannot execute him, but according to a US Federal Appeals Court they CAN force him to take psychiatric meds to make him sane, even though the treatment would lead to his execution. Therefore, they can kill him after all.

What's Next, Interspecies Marriage?

The European Union has legalized homosexual unions. That means all the countries of the EU (including Italy, Spain, Ireland...) will have to recognize gay marriage. What would constitute a gay shotgun marriage?

Those Germans have always been good engineers. They're gonna rename it "Steinhenge."

Hey, Dude you're gettin' a cell.

Do You Want That with Cream Gravy?

Health officials in China have forbidden the use of human breast-milk in dishes served in restaurants there. Evidently, there was enough demand for it that an entrepreneur went out to rural areas and bought breast-milk from nursing mothers to use in preparing some fish dishes. I won't be lamenting the loss!

Oh, puh-leez, Get Over It!

Seek and Ye Shall Find by GPS

I just knew there had to be a civilian use for GPS technology.

White Powdery Substance

There are reports that a white powdery substance was discovered in the US Embassy in Brunei over the weekend. It was closed and evacuated. The same thing happened here a few months ago. It turned out to be White Out.

Why Are We Wasting It on Computer Chips?

Oh my God! There's a critical shortage of silicone in Brazil, because the women and transvestites are rushing to get breast implants before Carnaval starts on March 1. Can we get a quick shipment from the computer chip manufacturers?

Can I Do It Too?

Let's see, if the British government (along with the US government's encouragement) can drag out and plagiarize a post-grad's 12 year old thesis about weapons in Iraq, and claim it is current; why couldn't I pull out my credit card statements from 12 years ago and say they're current too? At least they would be my own!

Colombia Ain't Got No Oil, That's Why

More car bombs go off in Colombia that anywhere else. More random terrorism there than anywhere else. Are we bombing the shit out of the terrorists there? No, they're not sitting on an ocean of oil, for God's sake. Of course, the "War on Drugs" has been going on for 20 to 25 years, and the FARC just seem to get stronger. But, we haven't been dropping "daisy cutters" on them all this time either. I know, let's hire the FARC to go over to Afghanistan and take care of that Osama problem we've got. Just tell 'em that he didn't pay up on a drug shipment, he'd be dead in a week!

I Am Curious Orange

The nation stands at terror warning level Orange. High risk. So, what am I supposed to do? Watch my cul-de-sac a little more attentively than I have been at Yellow? Am I supposed to eye the cashier at the convenience store with more scrutiny (no, he's not Middle-Eastern in appearance), even though he's been working there since before we got the color warnings? When watching TV, am I supposed to be more vigilant about coded messages in the scripts of "Will and Grace?" C'mon, just what am I supposed to do differently in my John Doe life? So far, every John and Jane Doe's report of someone else's suspicious activity has turned out to be imaginations run wild. Should I re-instate the duck and cover drills they had in schools back in the '50s? Help me out here, what do I do?

Intercept

The following is a transcript of an intercepted telephone conversation in January, 2003 between Lieutenant Patrick Flannigan and Corporal Jesus Abel Guerra at the US Detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba.

Lt. Flannigan: Hello, HQ, Flannigan.

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, Guerra speaking, there�s something going on here with one of the prisoners, Sir.

Lt. Flannigan: Yeah, yeah, what�s new?

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, I believe one of them is trying to kill himself, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: So,...whadaya want me to do about it? Just one less towel-head if you ask me. He was going to martyr himself for the Jihad anyway...

Cpl. Guerra: But, sir, I�m serious, he�s like rolling his sheet up, so it would be like a rope. I think he�s trying to hang himself, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: Don�t go makin� judgements about someone else�s religion, Corporal. That�s their way of signifyin� that there is only one God. He�s making the bed sheet into a one. Don�t worry about it, son.

Cpl. Guerra: With all due respect, Sir, but he�s forming it into a circle, or something...he looks really morose, sir, I think it�s more than just the Shahada.

Lt. Flannigan: Shahada? What the fuck is that, Corporal? Don�t tell me you been studyin� up on them motherfuckers...

Cpl. Guerra: Well, yes sir, we all had to take a training class about Islam, before they shipped us over, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: So, what�s the deal, you thinkin� �bout convertin�?

Cpl. Guerra: No, sir, I come from a family of devout Catholics, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: Yeah, me too, I could tell you some stories that�d make your ass pucker, son, about when I was an altar boy. That son of a bitch Father Maloney, damn near ripped my asshole open...

Cpl. Guerra: Uh, sir, he�s like making it into a circle or something, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: I told you don�t go judging other people�s religion. He�s just simbolizin� that the universe is one, ruled by Allah. You know that one in all, all in one thing.

Cpl. Guerra: No sir, I mean he�s making it round on the end, like making a noose out of it.

Lt. Flannigan: Naaaw, you�re crazy... that�s what they do to mark off the holy ground he�s gonna kneel down in, I betcha he�s facin� east, ain�t he?

Cpl. Guerra: Yes sir, he is facing east, but I think that�s just a coincidence...sir, he�s tied the round part into a noose like I suspected, what do I do, sir?
Lt. Flannigan: Aw, just ask Mohammad if he�s ok...you know without disturbin� his religious ritual.

Cpl. Guerra: Mohammad? Sir, his name Rashid al-Hemdi...

Lt. Flannigan: Shit, Corporal, don�t you know they�re ALL named Mohammad? Just like all you Mexicans are named Jesus (GEE-zuhs). Just ask Mr. Mohammad Al-Fuckyersister if he�s ok.

Cpl. Guerra: Hey, you ok?...hey, you ok?...he�s ignoring me sir, and he�s tying the straight end onto the roof of his cage. Sir, he�s trying to KILL HIMSELF!

Lt. Flannigan: These towel-heads are real sensitive about their prayer time, so just leave him alone, I don�t want Washington callin� down here because some pussy from Amnesty International says we wouldn�t let them pray in their accustomed way. I�m tellin� ya, leave him alone!

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, please sir, he�s got the noose around his neck and he�s hanging from it. He�s got his knees bent, so he�ll hang by the neck.

Lt. Flannigan: Well, shit...ok, let the fucker hang there till his pisses in his pants, and then cut him down. Goddamn fuckin� towel-heads...

(delay while Corporal Guerra cuts down inmate, unintelligible words)

Cpl. Guerra: Ok, sir, he�s down, and he�s still breathing. I saved his life, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: Shit, Goddamnit... you bleeding heart little cunt face, now he�s gonna be whining about not getting to Paradise.

Rashid al-Hemdi: (translation from Arabic) You pig! What do you care? Why don�t you leave me alone? I want to go to Paradise! God is Great! There is no God, but God!

Lt. Flannigan: See you little fucker? I told you to leave him be!

Rashid al-Hemdi: (uninterrupted in background) Death to America! Death to the Infidels!...There is no God, but God, and Mohammad is...

The only thing I can say about this fucking site is that I wish I had written it!

Yugoslavia Dead!

The vote was 55 in favor of dissolving Yugoslavia, and 7 opposed. The same 7 voted in favor of awarding the "Excellence in Achievement Medal" to the engineers that designed the Yugo. Makes you nostalgic for the Yugo doesn't it?

How Dare Them!

The US claims that Iraq has not complied with the UN's desire for it to disarm. If memory serves, the US did not comply with its obligations to pay membership dues to the UN for like a decade. I think we've paid up now, but only after we got what we wanted. No one can ignore the will of the world (except us, of course).

The International Court

The World Court issued an order for the US to not carry out any executions of Mexican citizens on death row in the US. Mexico sued and evidently was convincing that the US has violated the Geneva Convention by denying Mexicans on death row access to consular help. This may be another of those World Court decisions that we selectively ignore. We only follow the ones that are in our favor.

But, Would It Stand Up in Court?

A director of a children's charity commented on Michael Jackson's practice of letting children sleep in his bed with him, "This behaviour could be used as justification by people who want to harm or sexually abuse children as an excuse for their own behaviour." Can you imagine someone saying to the judge, "But, Your Honor, Michael Jackson does it"?

Who Needs Dr. Kevorkian When You Have a Chatroom?

Just Which One Is The New Age Religion?

The Vatican has warned us that following New Age therapies is false hope! Listed are Yoga, Feng Shui, and Shamanism. Probably each one of them is at least 2000 years older than Christianity. Would the real New Age religion please stand up?

If You Say It Enough Times, You Begin to Believe It

Ever since 9/11 Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense, has been trying to get us to believe that Iraq and Al-Qaeda are the same thing. He and his fellow travelers have been preaching this every chance they get. Never mind, that none of the intelligence sources can make the case. He's even got the President believing it. Well, this week Colin Powell is going to present the"proof" to the UN. If it's like other proofs they've offered, it will be less than convincing.

I Hope This Doesn't Use Up My 15 Minutes!

Earlier this week I submitted a question via email to a panel discussion called Amsterdam Forum that was to take place on Radio Netherlands. It turns out they used my question on the program. The website will let you listen to part of the program if you have Real Player, or you can get the times that they will broadcast a replay. I haven't been able to listen to it yet, so I don't know what they said.

But the Garlic Really Scared Them!

From De Telegraaf's (a Dutch newpaper) website: German police with weapons drawn, K9s, and a helicopter stopped a car on the autobahn because other drivers reported that they had seen the occupants in a rest stop pointing a gun at them. It turns the gun was a salami that they were eating for lunch. We must remain vigilant!

That Depends on How Passive Voice Is Defined

Passive voice is dead! It has been decreed from on high that we must cease and desist from any use of the passive voice. Oops, that last sentence used passive voice! Let me restate that: My superiors have decreed from on high that we must cease and desist from any use of the passive voice. It turns out that one of the letters a co-worker wrote came back to her to remove the word "was." In another instance one of the persons, who is so adamant about not using passive voice, attached a note which included passive voice to one of the returned letters. That person has also been characterized as the "agency asshole." Oops, that last sentence used passive voice! Let me restate that: Someone characterized him as the "agency asshole." Long live passive (aggressive) voice!

Here's a free update to last year's model.

Uh, Redefine?

There is a billboard on my way to work advertising Blue Cross/Blue Shield. It says, "Redefining healthcare." Yeah, like defining the word healthcare to mean no coverage.

How 'bout them Cowboys?

From the State of the Union speech: "Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why? The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate or attack. With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East and create deadly havoc in the region."

What if we exchanged the name George Bush with Saddam Hussein in the quote above? Hmm....

The State of the Disunion

Lookin' for somethin' to do while tryin' to avoid watchin' the arrogant Frat Boy impress his friends. God help us! Ya know, they say ya get whatcha ask for, so be careful 'bout what that is. Who asked for this chump? I didn't!

I saw this on a random blog that came up after I posted to my own blog. The translation is:

All the world
where I am not
appears perfect to me.

"A Virginia man who was trying to beat his dog to death with a shotgun accidentally shot himself to death." Found on Harper's website. Was the man also indicted for manslaughter?

Sounds Like He's Been Taking Lessons from W

Saddam Hussein convened his war cabinet and said: "I want you to know that even when I am not smiling, I am in fact smiling."

So, does that mean even when he's not frowning, he is in fact frowning?

You Want My Fingerprint? How 'bout I Give It to You in Your Eye?

The following is an account by a friend of mine about the lengths that we have gone to in our obsession for security. I guess it's security, can't think of any other reason.

"As he was accustomed to do, Mark went to his local supermarket to pay his
gas & electric bills. Mind you, there is a 50 cent charge for each transaction. That is only 13 cents more than it would cost to mail these items, but he likes the security of knowing the bills got paid. And he gets to interact with the store folk. And he had to go to the store anyway. The bills were very nearly past due. He does not want to get the reputation of being a 'late payer.' That goes on databases.

This dreary, drizzly morning, he set the checks on the mat before the clerk who was behind the counter. The clerk says, "Gee, that coffee smells real good." And it was darn good coffee, too. Mark explained where he got it and what kind to get. It was from a shop nearby. During this banter, the clerk slid an innocuous-looking round disk towards our humble billpayer. He said, "Will you put your left thumb there and then on your checks?"
Taken off guard a bit, Mark noticed it was a stamp pad. About the size of a half dollar. It had a handy plastic round cap -- no doubt to keep the ink wet while the pad was not in use.

He asked, "What's this for?" The lad replied the store now has everyone who presents checks at that counter to have their thumbprint on their checks. A precaution for fraudulent checkwriters, he said. He went on, "I know it seems a little 'big brother'. We used to just have the people cashing payroll checks do it. But my boss now wants everyone to."

Mark then said, "Well, I won't pay checks here anymore." He did not say this in a nasty tone. He did not mean to belittle the young man or put him on the spot. The booth clerk, of course, was only doing his job. Just before he turned to leave the line, he paused and asked, "If I pay with a check out there, at the registers, you don't have me give my thumbprint there. You run some scan on my check to see if the account is good or
something like that." The lad mumbled no real reply. Both remained good-natured about the whole affair. Each appreciated good coffee. All had begun well. Mark then said, "How many people turn you down on this." The clerk replied, "Oh, not many. Most people comply."

What's up with this? Sounds like neoliberalism without the smile.

Not So Super

It is with a heavy heart that I report the commercials were disappointing. The one with the little dog knocking the cap off of the fire plug was good, as was the one with the girlfriend and her big assed mother. But, all in all pretty much a let-down. Sorta like the game itself. The last few years have produced some close games that weren't decided until the very last seconds, but this one was like the games of yesteryear that were very short on excitement. It was like one of the teams would always get over-confident or over-excited, and wouldn't play worth a shit. Well, it happened again yesterday. The Raiders are better than they played in the game. Too bad that just one of the teams played up to its abilities.

Super Sunday

It's time for that annual glorification of organized sanctioned violence and the advertising industry. I'm actually a football fan, but this is over the top. I find the commercials much more interesting that the game. Although, I must say that last year's crop was not very good. I hope they make up for it this year. If it was up to me, I'd do one with Saddam Hussein in it. Like drinking a Pepsi, or singing the praises of OB tampons.

Saddam Hussein (smiling, looking straight into the camera, holding a box of OB's in left hand with box clearly readable.) [close shot]: "I like my women to use OBs during that time of the month. I feel so good knowing they were developed by a woman gynecologist. I like my army to use Sarin gas during those difficult times. I feel good knowing it was developed by a man engineer."

The Free Market
(You would think that's a place you could go to get things you wanted without having to pay for them.)

"I have that can do attitude,
Don't you?
Anything less would be rude
'Tis true.
No reason to feel overly blue,
We will privatize you."

So many complaints, so little time! I sometimes have to write responses to complaint letters that citizens have sent to our Governor, Senator, Representative, security guard, and janitor about our agency (which shall remain anonyous). Today it has been my great good fortune to get two more of them. Usually I have a two day time period to research them and draft a reply, but today, I have one that is due by the end of the day. Time to drag out the "auto-text"

Austin, Texas 12:03 p.m. F-16 fighter jets roar overhead. 12:28 p.m. cannon fire heard. Has there been an attack on the Capital of Texas? Naaahh, just the inauguration of the Governor. But, I have a question. What is the Governor doing with F-16s? Is Texas going to declare war on Arkansas?

Here's the latest installment of my stories from Kabouterland.

The Short Long Journey

Who else would have thought he could ride a 15 year old moped some 1200 kilometers? Probably no one, but that didn�t stop Mark. For those of you that don�t know what a moped is, here�s a short description. It�s a bicycle with a motor attached that allows the rider to start the motor once his pedaling has achieved enough speed to make the motor kick in. You could compare it to push-starting a car. First, someone pushes the car (preferably down hill), while the driver estimates the proper speed, and then throws the car into gear to make it start. Mopeds were quite popular in the Netherlands back in those days of the Oranje Vrij Staat, and probably remain so. Of course, the newer ones had starters so that the rider didn�t have to pedal at all to get them started. But, Mark�s vintage model didn�t have a starter that worked. Oh yes, it had a starter when it was new, but that was some 15 years earlier. To start it now, he had to pedal up to a good little speed, then move a little handle on the frame of the moped into gear to engage the motor. The handy thing about mopeds is if the fuel runs out or the motor breaks down, the rider can just pedal like a bicycle and get to his destination all the same. Pedaling a moped is harder than pedaling a bicycle, because a moped has the additional weight of the motor, and the chain still turns the motor even though it�s not running.

Mark purchased his moped for the equivalent of about $15.00 in the flea market in Amsterdam. He tested it, and confirmed that the motor would run. He was very satisfied with his purchase, and put it to much use. He even took a job at a pickle factory( see We Like Luycks), and rode his moped back and forth to work each day. The pickle factory was located in a small suburb of Amsterdam named Diemen. He had even given a coworker a ride to work on his moped, and it had performed flawlessly. One night while sitting stoned in his neighbor Harry�s room with several other stoned young people, he was struck with the bright idea of riding his moped to Copenhagen. He learned that Europe had little bicycle paths that ran alongside the regular highways, and that he could ride all the way there. He had visited Copenhagen earlier, but had not stayed as long as he wanted, so he was eager to return. The others estimated that the trip would be about 1200 kilometers. Mark was outfitted with a metal framed camping backpack, a sleeping bag, and a moped. What else could anyone need? The next day he bid adieu to the house on Prinsengracht and its inhabitants, and set out on his journey to Copenhagen.

It was a nice day with clear skies and warm temperatures. His route took him by the pickle factory he had worked in. He was glad he didn�t have to work there more than one week, and he chuckled as he rode past the place on his way out of town. He had ridden about 1 kilometer past the factory, when his moped began to stutter and then stopped. He couldn�t imagine what might be the matter. He pedaled mightily in an effort to get it running again. It refused to start just a little more mightily than he pedaled. Back and forth on a level part of the path he went to no avail. Suddenly, the idea came to him that his moped had probably overheated. So, he put down the kick stand on his moped, took off his backpack (which weighed about 15 kilograms), and sat on the path. After 30-45 minutes had passed, he put his backpack on, kicked the kick stand back up, mounted his moped, and began pedaling. When he moved the handle to engage the motor, he rejoiced as it started up faithfully. He resumed his journey with a newly lightened heart.

But, alas, it wasn�t to be. He went perhaps another 10-15 km. when his machine stopped again. This time he was a little farther away from civilization. He got right back into the pattern he tried before, except this time he removed the backpack first, because it just ain�t easy pedaling a moped with a huge weight on your back. Of course, this course of action meant that he couldn�t make any headway toward Copenhagen either. He had to pedal back and forth on the path near the backpack, because it contained everything he owned. Back and forth, back and forth...still nothing...sit and wait...try again...sit and wait some more...try again. Finally, success! Back on the road to Copenhagen. By now he had covered about 20-25 km. (about 12-15 miles). At this rate it would only take him...hmmm...60 days to get there! He began experiencing the first inklings that he might not make it; but in true heroic style, he forged on.

He passed by Bussum, Hilversum, and the city of Amersfoort with no trouble. Now, try to imagine that you are riding an old stiff bicycle with no shock absorbers while carrying an extra 15 kg. on your back. You feel every bump, dip, and crack in the surface you�re traveling. It�s really hard on your butt and back. By the time Mark was nearing Nijkerk, his butt was giving out. He began thinking about finding a place to spend the night. He remembered from the map that from Nijkerk a little road led onto one of the newest polders.

He had read about polders in the 5th grade in his Weekly Reader, and was quite interested in them. Polders are land that has been reclaimed from the sea. Many years before the Dutch had sealed off the Zuider Zee from the North Sea with a very long dike. They quit calling it the Zuider Zee, and began calling it Ijselmeer. Then they began an engineering miracle of making dry land out of what once was water. These areas of dry land were called polders. His plan was to go onto the polder and find a place to sleep out of sight in his sleeping bag. Keep in mind this polder was quite new, so there was really nothing out there but some short grass. What looked like some kind of construction hut was all Mark could see. Also, remember that near a body of water there is a constant rather strong wind. It was beginning to turn cold as sunset approached, and Mark could find absolutely no where to get out of the wind. He went on all sides of the construction hut, but it was too small to provide any real protection. His only choice was to lie in the grass and shiver. Polder schmolder, he got the hell off the island!

What began as an inkling was now beating him over the head (and butt, and back) telling him to forget this fiasco, and go back to Amsterdam to the house on Prinsengracht before they gave his room to someone else. He started the journey home. He passed back through Nijkerk on the way to Amsterdam when it became imperative that he stop for the night. He found a ditch by the side of the bike path to hide his moped in, and he ventured back away from the road maybe 25 meters into a very thick stand of trees. He slept very, very well that night.

The next morning he awoke early, and set out early. His moped started up right away as if it were a sign from God that he had made the right decision. But, just like the day before, he had only gone about 10 km. when his moped stopped again. This time he was in the middle of a town on a sidewalk by a busy intersection. This time his efforts to start his moped were right there for every passerby to see. He was naturally self-conscious, so this display of difficulty in view of everyone was quite embarrassing! After an hour of back and forth...back and forth...it finally started. On his way again! He had the same problems with the moped overheating, and his butt and back; but somehow the weight seemed lighter now that he was going home. His only worry was that he wouldn�t have a room anymore back at the house on Prinsengracht.

As he re-entered Amsterdam the moped breathed it�s last (so to speak), and he pedaled the rest of theway back to the house. He arrived back when not many people were there, so he quickly went to his old room to see it anyone had take up occupancy. No, no one had! He breathed a sigh of relief, pledged never to try that again, and rested for the remainder of the day.

A few weeks later, when he really was leaving for Copenhagen by car, he gave his moped to the two American drug dealers in the room next to his. They had previously owned a motorcycle, but something had happened to it, and they were in need of transportation. The two were so excited when he gave it to them that they immediately we out to the street to take it for a spin. The last time he saw the moped, the two drug dealers were running while pushing it down Prinsengracht trying to get it to start. One of them yelled with joy, �Now we can go to Rome!�