I Didn't See It, But I Wish I Had

A recent episode of South Park called "Bloody Mary" is about a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeding from her ass. Oh yeah! They even have the Pope comment. It was about to re-run when a group of Catholics asked (pressured) the Comedy Channel not to show it anymore. So, how am I gonna see it now?

Cold Front Number 16

In Mexico the Secretariat of Government has issued an emergency declaration for the state of Chihuahua. Chihuahua borders Texas and New Mexico. The emergency declaration is for Frente Frio Número Dieciseis. Yes, they have numbers for the cold fronts and emergency declarations as well. So, what does it take for them to get a name, the way hurricanes do? That would be interesting, "Bundle up tonight folks, because Cold Front Monica is on her way to town." Hell, we'd surely need more than 21 names per season.

Mystery Trip – Poco Poco, Indeed!

By the time we got to the hotel and checked in, the time was about 6:00 pm. We rested a few minutes, and then went to the main restaurant to eat. Everything was very good. No surprises, and we were glad about that. After a trying day on Thursday, we just wanted to rest. We didn’t even stay up for the entertainment.

Saturday was actually my birthday. I slept until about 10:30, then went looking for the Goddess and coffee. I found the coffee first, then I found the Goddess in a lounge chair on the beach under several palm trees. I sat down in a lounge chair beside her and stared empty-mindedly for a long time. I don’t often stare empty-mindedly – not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. My mind doesn’t turn off very easily. But, sleeping late in Curaçao, and lying on a lounge chair on the beach will do every time!

Lunch was ready at 12:30, so we ate in the restaurant, then returned to the lounge chairs for naps. I awoke with sun burning my legs, and sun burning the Goddess. The Goddess is so fair that a mere 10 minutes in the tropical sun will burn her badly, so I woke her up. We went back to the room, and slept pretty much the rest of the day. What a birthday! Some people would be very unhappy with sleeping their birthday away, but not me! It was perfect.

Later in the evening we went to eat at one of the special restaurants in the hotel. Get this: it was Japanese. Yes, Japanese-Curaçaoan food. It was wonderful! I was even able to use the chopsticks (I can’t normally). Our “Japanese” cook informed us that he wasn’t a “real Japanese.” I didn’t really have any doubt, but he sure could cook well.

All in all, an excellent day.

Mystery Trip – Escape from Miami



We returned to the Embassy Suites hotel to find that the EZ Car Rental desk wasn’t open yet. We stood there looking around, but no one was showing up. The Goddess asked the Concierge about when EZ would show up, and he offered to take the keys for us. We decided to eat breakfast in the restaurant at the Embassy Suites.

This is one of those hotels that has a free made-to-order breakfast as part of the room rate. If you’re not a guest, you have to pay for the breakfast. No problem. So we go to the reception desk, and say we want to pay for breakfast. Our request threw the clerk into a tailspin. She didn’t know how to do that. I mean her job is checking people in and out, how the hell is she supposed to take payment for breakfast. She asked her co-worker for help. Of course, the co-worker had to ask us all the same questions the clerk has just asked us even though the co-worker was standing right there. Now, I’ll bet if I had been talking about Ashton Kutcher, she would have heard it all! Anyway, we paid for the breakfast and went to eat. They gave us an entire hotel print-out for a receipt.

We arrived at MIA (ironic name, no?) with time to spare. One thing I noticed in Miami is that if you don’t yell at the person you’re trying to ask a question, they will ignore you. We couldn’t find the right line to get in for checking our bags. I asked one American Airlines woman who was helping to get people into the correct line two times where we were supposed to go. But, I wasn’t shouting, so she just ignored me. I swear I was no more than two feet from her! We pried the information out of another woman, but what she said was half-intelligible, and we had to ask someone else. Oh my!

We waited our turn through the line and got cleared. The desk clerk told us to turn our bags in to the TSA guys at the big X-ray machine. We stepped over there, but they were all talking amongst themselves, and the completely ignored us. Then, I shouted, “What do we do here?” Let me tell ya, they wait until you get mad in Miami before they do anything to help. We were there the day after a Federal Air Marshall shot and killed a bi-polar man who had gone off of his medicine. The guy was yelling that he had a bomb. Probably he was just trying to get someone to tell him where the bathroom was.

We went through the metal detectors along with about 500 close friends, and found our gate. Fortunately it was not all the way to the end of the concourse. We took off on time and arrived in Curaçao on time. By the way, in Curaçao they don’t incessant ringing schoolbells in the jetways. That’s because they don’t have jetways. They have stairs. And you don’t have to yell at someone for them to stop ignoring you. Life is just simpler there.

In the shuttle on the way to the hotel the driver told us that people in Curaçao have a saying – it’s “poco poco”. That means take it easy, if we don’t get to it today we will tomorrow. Now, that attitude I can live with.

Mystery Trip - Oh Wow Curaçao!

Friday morning we get up at 6:00 am, because I’ve been told that we have to be at the airport by 9:00. We have a flight that’s leaving at 11:00. That’s all I know. After I take a shower, I find out that we’re going to Curaçao, an island in the Caribbean. I can’t believe it! It’s a place that has always interested me, and I’ve always wanted to go there.

The Goddess doesn’t remember typing it up for me, but I wrote a semester paper in college on bilingual education in Curaçao. The languages in question were Papiamento and Dutch. What’s Papiamento? Well, it’s a creole language developed from Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, and English. There’s a whole process that causes creole languages, but it’s enough to say that the languages get mixed together. But, it’s not some Pig Latin, it’s a real language with all the capabilities of any other language. Anyway, I’ve been fascinated by Curaçao ever since I wrote the paper. She picked Curaçao, because Dutch is an official language there. It would give me a chance to practice Dutch. And it did!

By the way, Curaçao is a Portuguese word meaning “heart”. The reason for that name is because the island has a natural harbor that is shaped like a heart. Besides being a place with interesting languages, it’s a Caribbean island with resorts! I’m really thrilled. We’re going to stay at an all-inclusive resort called Breezes. It just don’t get any better.

We get ready and go downstairs to check out. We get our rent car and head toward the airport. As we’re just about to leave Miami Beach, we stop at a stop light. Three little ladies come walking around the corner. They each have on flower print dresses and one of those hair wrap things that looks like you have your hair wrapped up in a towel. All three hair wraps are pink.
One of the ladies stops on the corner and steps into a flower bed which has an automatic sprinkler spraying water up about waist high. She sort of stands with her legs farther apart than normal, and thrusts her pelvis forward. I reckoned that she was letting the water hit her back and was cooling off. The the Goddess says in an animated voice, “She’s peeing!” Yes, she was peeing in the flower bed standing up. We had seen this before in Guadalajara, but that time the lady was at least a little discrete. This one wasn’t trying to be inconspicuous at all! Ah Miami, it’s a complete nuthouse. Just imagine New York City in the tropics, and you’ve got Miami. Everyone in both places speaks English with a hard-to-understand accent. ¡Dios mio!

Mystery Trip – Once in a Blue Moon


We found the Blue Moon Hotel on Collins Avenue in the middle of the Art Deco section of South Beach. As we pulled up in front of the hotel, a guy came out to get our bags. He asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was hungry. The Goddess asked him if he knew of any good Cuban restaurants. He said that Lario’s was close and excellent. He also told us that it is owned by Gloria Estefan. Okay.

We went in the Blue Moon and walked up to the front desk. The Goddess said we had reservations, and gave our name. The clerk, a red-headed woman with a strong Spanish accent, said that she didn’t have us down on the list. The Goddess explained that she had already paid for the room and that she made the reservation through Travelocity. Still didn’t impress the clerk. The clerk said that she had a room, but that it had twin beds. Now, remember the Goddess was already pissed off about the car rental place. She asked if she could use a phone and they let her use the bellhop’s phone.

The result was not pretty. Some poor sucker at Travelocity got reamed out as only the Goddess can do it. Anyway, Travelocity called the Blue Moon while the Goddess waited on hold. That was a sight – the Goddess on one side of the lobby holding the phone while the clerk is on the phone to Travelocity on the other side. The clerk had to get the manager to come speak with them. I was sitting about half way between them, and could hear both conversations. When all was said and done (which was a lot), we took the room with twin beds.

We went to Lario’s and saw some of the beautiful people. We saw some not-so-beautiful people too. They have tables outside and inside. We sat outside and watched the parade of people pass by. I kept getting the feeling that we were among some shadowy South American exiles plotting coup d’etats with rogue CIA agents.

We got back to the room so exhausted from the travel that we pretty much went right to sleep.

Mystery Trip - Miami, South Beach, and One Pissed-Off Goddess



We arrived in Miami at about 4:30 or so. The change of planes in Atlanta went smoothly. In fact, as we walked up to the gate a young blonde woman was talking to the gate agents. I heard one of the agents say, "Oh, we have a celebrity then! Which magazine cover are you going to be on?" The blonde said, "Playboy, next month." The agent said, "Oh." The Playmate said, "Yeah, people always do that when I say Playboy." She said she had been to the Playboy Mansion, and that all the girls there hated her.

But, back to Miami. We found our luggage in the American Airlines unclaimed baggage office. The bags did beat us there! We began looking for the EZ Car Rental desk. Hmmm...don't see it right here. Those free phones that the Chamber of Commerce locates in airports didn't have any car rental services listed, just hotels. We didn't have a phone number for EZ, so we asked a few people. One woman said that they might be on the upper floor, because she thought one was up there, but she couldn't be sure. The print-out that she had said to go to the EZ counter. The Goddess got on the phone with Travelocity (who she booked through), who had to conference in EZ Car Rental. While she was waiting for all that to happen, I went upstairs to see if it was up there. I saw two Transportation Safety Administration workers talking, so I went up and asked if they knew where EZ Car Rental was. They both said, "Yeah, downstairs, by the baggage claim." I said, "No, I've already looked there." They said that no car rental desks were on that floor. Then one of them said, "I guess it's not so EZ after all!" That's our TSA at work.

When I got back downstairs the Goddess said that the rental desk is in the Embassy Suites, and we have to take the Embassy Suites Shuttle. We went out to the driveway, and waited for the shuttle. I arrived pretty quickly, and off we went to the rental desk. We got a Ford Focus and the threat of paying $4.99 per gallon of gas, if we didn't bring it back full of gas. Off we went to Miami Beach (South Beach to be exact) in search of the Blue Moon Hotel

Mystery Trip - Ice, Ice, Baby



Yes, there was ice. The Mystery Trip started on Thursday, December 8, 2005 at 3:30 am. You read it right, 3:30 am. We got up early so that we could be at the airport at 7:00 to check in for a 9:00 flight. The trouble was that during the night we had sleet and freezing rain, so the bridges were iced over. The roads themselves were okay, actually, it was the bridges. We left home about 4:30, and drove very slowly to the airport. We got there, checked the bags, and went to the snack bar for some breakfast. It was just after 6:00 at this point.

We went to the gate, and waited. The Goddess went to the desk and asked about making our connecting flight. The man there said that we would be delayed and would miss our connection in Dallas. All the other flights from Dallas to XXXX were full and we couldn't get there. So the Goddess arranged for us to switch to Delta and change planes in Atlanta. Since our bags were already checked on American, they would stay on American. While the Goddess was explaining this to me she slipped and said that our bags would be in Miami by the time we got there. I said, "You just told me!" It wasn't too bad though, because I already knew it would be a warm place.

We went to Gate 4 and waited. We waited some more. Finally, they decided to start letting people board the plane. Right after they let 1st class board the alarm bell started ringing in the Jetway. Now this was the kind of bell that I had in school so many years ago. It was very loud, and very uninterrupted. I sat in my seat with my fingers in my ears while the staff started to work on it. After what seemed like two straight minutes of ringing, they turned it off. Then every minute or so they would try it to see if they had fixed it - they hadn't. So, we kept getting this bell ringing for about 15 minutes. Finally the cut the wire or something, because it stopped.

We boarded the plane only to find out that we had to de-ice. See, the entire plane was covered in about 1/4 of an inch of ice. The pilot told us the de-icing truck would be there momentarily. Twenty minutes later the captain told us that the de-icing truck was having some trouble with getting the mixture just right, but that they would be over to us in about 10 minutes. Half an hour later, he apologized profusely, and said that it should just be a few more minutes. Another half hour and he told the flight attendants to pass out drinks and snacks. He even came into the cabin and went throughout the plane to answer questions. He returned to the flight deck, and waited some more. We wound up waiting 3 1/2 hours on that plane waiting for the de-icing truck! I was afraid the toilets were going to back up.

We left for Atlanta about 11:30. I don't know when our bags left for Dallas, but I'll bet they beat us to Miami.

Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane?

No, it's Apophis! Yes, it's the killer asteroid. Just like the one that took out the dinosaurs. It's scheduled to arrive around Easter in 2036, but it won't be until 2029 that we even know for sure, if it will hit Earth. By then, it'll be too late to do anything about it. Maybe it's the Second Coming.

Oh, Ayman, I Love It When You Lecture Me


Tell me, Ayman, how bad I've been. Oooh, I love it! Tell me how naughty I've been. Oooh, say it again! Oh, Ayman, I just love that little hole in your forehead! If I'm good, can I touch it?

Mystery Travel

For my 55th birthday my wife, the Goddess, is giving me a surprise. It involves travel, but I don’t know yet where to. I received my first clue yesterday. I have a list of things to pack which includes my sense of adventure, and we are to be at the airport at 5:00 am. Yes, that’s 5:00 in the morning. She explained the early time as having to be at the airport 2 hours in advance. That implies an international flight, and one of the items on my list to pack is a passport.

However, that could all be false clues. She also told me that I won’t really know where I’m going until Friday. To me that means that wherever we go Thursday is not the final destination. The list of things to pack does not include a suit. Now, if you’re traveling on a cruise ship, you’d need a suit. The list does include sandals, swim suit, T-shirts, slacks, tie, dress shirt, dress shoes. So, I’m genuinely unsure of anything.

This afternoon I asked her if they speak a language that I know where we’re going. She wouldn’t answer that one. But, considering that English and Spanish are the main languages in this hemisphere, even if she had said yes it wouldn’t tell me much. More will be revealed.

Timberrr!

Saturday I went to the Home Depot to buy a Christmas tree. It was about 87 degrees and sunny. I shopped for a tree in shorts, t-shirt, and sandals. There is something wrong with that from the get-go.

We decorated the tree on Saturday evening while corralling a 2-year-old who delighted with the lights, the ornaments, and all the knick-knacks. “No, no, don’t go behind the tree. Don’t touch the lights, they’ll burn you. No you can’t play with the porcelain Santa Clause. Here’s a stuffed penguin on skis. Here let’s put that Mickey Mouse high up on the tree.”

Sunday afternoon everyone came to our house for my birthday celebration. My birthday is not December 4th. It’s December 10th, but we’re leaving town on Thursday for a trip to somewhere that is a secret. That’s another story. We were sitting and talking when the tree started to slowly lean toward the center of the room. It was obvious that it was falling right on top of Jennifer, and the Goddess and I were too far across the room to catch it. All we could do was yell “aaiiee!” I jumped up to try to catch it, but it crashed onto Jennifer and the floor before I could reach it. Glass, water, needles from the tree, all everywhere.

I set the tree upright, but the damage was done. Jennifer got a scratch, but fortunately it was light. We swept, wiped up water, tightened the base on the tree, and re-hung the unbroken ornaments. The 2-year-old witnessed it all, but was not the cause. The two dogs were outside, so they were blameless. We don’t exactly know why it fell just then, but I’m thinking it was the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Tears of Blood

A statue of the Virgin Mary is crying red tears in a Catholic church in Sacramento, California. It's not what you think! She's not crying for the sins of the world, no, she crying for the mess Arnold Schwarzenegger has made by being the Governor.

El Preservativo Argentino



En conmemoración del Día Mundial Contra el SIDA el gobierno de la ciudad de Buenos Aires en la República Argentina se metió la verga...ehr...el obelisco en el centro de la ciudad en un preservativo. ¡Nada menos de un preservativo de color rosa! ¡Imagínate si se metiera el monument Washington en un preservativo! Una pesadilla por seguro de los Talibanes Americanos.

We Don’t Need ‘Em

We don’t need no one-eyed Mullah
Tellin’ us how to live
We don’t need no turban-wearin’ sheikh
Demandin’ that we give
We don’t need no hook-handed imam
Sayin’ we should forgive

(chorus)
Naw, we don’t need no hypocrite believers
We got plenty of our own
Naw, we don’t need no truth deceivers
Preachin’ bullshit from the throne

We don’t need no Bible-thumpin’ convict
Talkin’ ‘bout how we done wrong
We don’t need no latter day prophet
Singin’ us the money givin’ song
We don’t need no money-grubbin’ lawyer
Makin’ us out to be his pawns

(chorus)
Naw, we don’t need no hypocrite believers
We got plenty of our own
Naw, we don’t need no truth deceivers
Preachin’ bullshit from the throne

We don’t need no blood-stained surgeon
Pointin’ out our faults
We don’t need no one-legged butcher
Sayin’ how the battle is fought
We don’t need no cross-dressin’ Crown Prince
With a lesson he thinks should be taught

(chorus)
Naw, we don’t need no hypocrite believers
We got plenty of our own
Naw, we don’t need no truth deceivers
Preachin’ bullshit from the throne

We don’t need no born-again Christian
Tellin’ us when we can die
We don’t need no TV preacher
Rantin’ ‘bout what food to buy
We don’t need no corrupt politician
Smilin’ and tellin’ us a lie

(chorus)
Naw, we don’t need no hypocrite believers
We got plenty of our own
Naw, we don’t need no truth deceivers
Preachin’ bullshit from the throne

Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachtani?

The Church of All Stars in Norway is on to something, I think. Not sure what it is, but it's something.

Iatrogenic Traffic Report

From Wikipedia: "An iatrogenic condition is a state of ill health or adverse effect caused by medical treatment, usually due to mistakes made in treatment."

Generally, it means that what the doctor used to treat the problem actually created a bigger problem. In other words, the cure is worse than the disease.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is normally a very light traffic day. Lot's of people take the day off to get ready for Thanksgiving. This morning on I-35 we were just flying along about 60 or 65 mps when we suddenly slow down. I began to lament to myself that on one of the best traffic days of the whole year, we don't get a break because someone had an accident.

We creep along for a mile or two, then I spot one of those TV vans sitting on an overpass with the big pole sticking up to transmit back to the station. Turns out, the TV van with the big pole was causing the slowdown.

So, covering the "traffic situation" is causing a traffic situation. The law of unintended consequences at work.

42 Years

The U.S. president, John F. Kennedy, died 42 years ago today. I was 12 years old in the 7th grade at the time, and I lived in Dallas. It was a Friday, and the first I heard of it was from a kid that would go home for lunch. He was sort of an outcast, because none of the rest of us left school at lunch. He came back telling this unbelievable tale he had see on TV while he had been home. He said that the president had been shot downtown, and was "bleeding from all points of the head." He said that like he was quoting the TV. None of us believed him.

About an hour later, during math class, one of the girls who had left that morning to go with her dad to see the motorcade came back to school, but was very upset. Just a few minutes after that the principal announced over the loudspeaker that the president had been shot and killed.

We all understood that something really big had happened, but we didn't know why it was such a big deal. The next class was spelling, and the teacher was so upset that she opened all the windows in the classroom. It was chilly that day, and I for one thought that was over-reacting. It was cold in there!

Later that day I walked home with a friend and we saw some of the coverage on TV. We also went to the park across the street to play football. I walked home from there after dark, and I remember thinking that it was sad about the president.

My parents and I went to the church that night for a covered dish dinner that was already planned, but the topic of all conversation was the assassination. The preacher's kid and I (another preacher's kid) went to the parsonage down the street and watched TV. The only thing on was coverage of the assassination.

Yes, I remember where I was when I heard. Do you? Click on the # below (just next to my name), scroll down, and click comment.

W's Excellent Adventure

Our Fearless Leader's trip to China has some unexpected snags. Scroll down to the heading "No Exit Strategy."

iCum?

Yes, the iPod and sex toys have been combined into the iBuzz. It promises to be a great "stocking stuffer" if you catch my drift. The iBuzz is an MP3 player and a vibrator in one. It even has attachments. I wonder how it works with Bolero.

Return from Vacation

I was on vacation last week. We didn't travel anywhere, I just stayed home and did whatever I wanted to for the week. The Goddess didn't have the week off. It was so nice to just rent videos, read the Internet, go to see a movie, blah, blah, blah that it's a real downer to come back to work.

In the cattle industry a downer is an animal that has fallen due to some illness like Mad Cow Disease. Well, I'm a downer this week at work. BTW, I saw the movie Office Space.

Oh C'mon Ayman, She's the Least of Your Worries

Ayman al-Zawahiri, so-called right-hand man of Osama bin Laden, has declared that the Queen of England is "one of Islam's worst enemies." Hell, she can't even keep her grown kids from fucking up, how's she gonna hurt Islam? Gimme a break, Ayman! Osama's recent death in the earthquake must be getting to him ;-)

Just a Minute...I'm Holding Up a Bank

A woman with a light Spanish accent robs banks in Virginia, but doesn't want to interrupt her cell phone conversation while she's at it. If she ever gets caught, she can claim she was telling the person on the phone to "give me your money."

I Talked to My Doctor

About Panexa, shouldn't you?

Jackson 3

Michael Jackson has decided to leave the US for good. Good! He feels he was treated badly here. Huh? Treated badly? He got acquitted, for God's sake. What about all that adoration for all those years?

He's also dreaming of a new band made up of his kids. He's going to turn into his own dad, and be an asshole stage-father.

Michael, just go away...a long way away.

Oh Yeah, They Always Make That Sound

Jill Knispel smuggled a parrot out of a pet store in her bra. She planned to exchange the bird for a 1964 Volkswagen. She worked in the store she stole the bird from, and was using it to buy the VW from a friend of her employer. Duh!

Nectar of the Gods?




I suppose it was just a matter of time before Jesus Juice hit the market.

Remember: The Opposite of Everything Is True

Whenever Presidend Bush or one of his associates makes a statement, you can take it to the bank that the opposite of whatever was said is true. For example, the President said, "I'm confident that Harriett Meirs will be confirmed by the Senate," two days before she withdrew her name. Or how about this classis, "Saddam Hussein has stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction." Today the President said during a stop in Panama, "Everything we do is within the law. we do not torture." What do you think that means? Especially when the Vice-President is lobbying hard to change a bill that would clearly outlaw torture. Mr. Cheney wants to exempt the CIA from that law. Haven't they done a great job so far with torture in their tool kit?

He's All Thumbs

He has plenty to spare. Who's that? Hizzoner the Mayor of Las Vegas. He says taggers should have their thumbs cut off on TV. You'd have hell eating a double meat double cheese after that!

Chocolate, Really?

La Repubblica, an Italian newspaper, is not only reporting on the fake document from Niger about the "yellowcake", but also that

In effetti, il cioccolato contiene cannabinoidi.

What was that again?

In effect, chocolate contains cannabinioids.

Cannabinoids? Like what's in marijuana? Whoa! Where's my Snickers?

Lost & Found?

The Senate Democrats "forced" the whole Senate to meet in closed door session to debate the justifications for the War in Iraq. What's happening, have they found their balls after all this time? It takes a Special Prosecutor to give their balls back. That's a damn shame.

Can You Say Coup d'Etat?

Yes, I can. It's koo-day-tah. Way back in June of 2004, Michael Rupert of fromthewilderness.com wrote that we were going to witness regime change here in the US. Granted, Rupert has some outlandish ideas, but this one seemed to have some plausability.

Boiled down to the bare facts it says that Bush and Cheney had fucked the CIA over regarding the ill-fated war in Iraq. He warned at the time that it's not wise to try to fool the CIA. Remember, these guys have been doing regime change behind the scenes for decades. You really should keep them on your good side. But, hey, don't listen to me, check this out. It's taking a long time, but who knows, it just might happen?

Official A & The Artful Dodger

I would be gratified if Patrick Fitzgerald were able to indict Official A. But, I would be ecstatic if he could take Cheney down. Disappointment reigned in my heart yesterday, because I wanted so much more. However, the much more just might happen after all. There's nothing like having your nuts in a metaphorical vise to bring on a Come to Jesus moment.

Watch Out for That Cat!

A driver in Japan ran over 36 kids and an adult trying to avoid hitting a cat. The driver swerved, ran up on the sidewalk and ran down a bunch of kids from a daycare going to a museum. Well, at least he has his priorities straight.

El Beso de la Muerte

Fue apenas el domingo cuando el Presidente George Bush indicó su confianza que el senado iba a confirmar a Harriet Miers. Cuando un presidente indica enfaticamente que tiene confianza en un candidato que tiene algunas problemas con el senado es por seguro el beso de la muerte. Recuerda que el opuesto de todo es la verdad.

Fitz Has the Anti-Christ

Patrick Fitzgerald the Special Prosecutor in the Valerie Plame outing seems to have caught a big fish. Yeah, I'd say so. He caught the Anti-Christ Hisself! Suddenly, I feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Alpha & Omega?

We have reached that unhappy point in the hurricane season where we break all previous records. There is now a 22nd named storm in the Caribbean, it's name is Alpha because we ran out of regular names. That's two firsts...22 named storms in the Atlantic, and the first time to use Greek letters to name them.

By the way, the weather is getting windier in Washington too. Only the hurricane is named Fitzgerald. It's hard to guess which one might cause more damage. I'm just salivating at the thought of another high-level Washington scandal! Oh, Dick Cheney, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Have You Ever Heard of Prussian Blue?

Well, I never had either...until this afternoon. I was scanning my usual dose of European tabloids (where else are you going to get real dirt?), when I came across this story about two blonde twins from Bakersfield, CA. Seems they are a big hit with the white supremacists. Just check out their song titles:

1. Road to Valhalla
2. Victory Day
3. Weiss Weiss Weiss
4. Our Vinland
5. Sacrifice
6. Panzerlied
7. The Snow Fell
8. Gone with the Breeze
9. Aryan Man Awake
10. I will bleed for You
11. Hate for Hate: Lamb near the Lane
12. Victory
13. Sisters

Their parents and grandfather are racists and Nazis. White supremacists themselves are the best argument against racial superiority! They are the stupidest motherfuckers alive! God save us from these stooges.

He Must Be Registered to Vote

Michael Jackson has received a jury summons to serve on a jury pool in the same court house that he was acquitted of child molestation charges. That sort of serves him right! Let him be on the jury panel and see how he likes the bullshit that passes for justice. Let him sit on a jury for the same length of time that his jury sat for him. After you've been on a few juries (I've sat on three juries, and been called to jury duty about 10 times), you start to lose your belief in the adversarial system that we have here.

Which Amendment Was That?

The USA has fallen 21 places from last year's ranking of 23 in the Reporters without Borders press freedom list. Now, we're sitting proud at number 44. Folks, that puts us behind such long-standing paragons of the free press as:
Slovenia (9), Estonia (11), Latvia (16), Lithuania (21), Namibia (25), Bosnia-Herzegovina (33), and Macedonia (43).

God Bless America!

Okay, Okay, But Where Is the Tape?

A truck driver who filmed the fatal sex with a horse act (see this) has been charged with trespassing on the farm where the "incident" took place. He could not be charged with animal cruelty, because the horse said he actually enjoyed it. Naw, not really. There was no evidence of injury to the horse. Well, hell I guess not!

Six on a Scale of 5

Hurricane Wilma has become the strongest hurricane ever recorded in the Atlantic. She comes in at 882 millibars. The lower the number the higher the wind speed. She's the most powerful, and that's saying a lot! Andrew, Camille, Katrina, and Rita were all infamous, and yet, they were never as strong as Wilma is right now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Introducing Wilma

Yes, we have a Wilma. Right now, she's just a tropical storm, but it looks like she could be a hurricane by the weekend. What's really significant is that we're out of names for this year. That means if another one comes along, it will be named Alpha. This is only the second time that the named storms have numbered 21. The other time was in 1933.

Another Wedding on the Beach?

I think we all remember what happened the last time a film star got married on the beach. Well, Katie and Tom are going to do it too. Say "I do" on the beach that is. Hmmm...Zellwegger and Chesney got an annulment because Kenny's gay. Well, that's what I heard! Now, Katie and Tom doing the same? Maybe they're both gay!

The World Record Holder



This gentleman from Turkey won recognition from the Guinness Book for the world's largest nose.

Take the L Train

L for Love. The L train connects Manhattan with Brooklyn and connects people too. According to a survey conducted by American Express the L train is the one for making connections of love. Union Station to Williamsburg is the new singles' bar. Well, it is very loud and very crowded, just no booze for sale.

Geen Burka

The Dutch government has established a new rule that women receiving public assistance and making the required work search cannot wear a burka to a job interview. Likewise, they advocate a complete ban on burkas for public security reasons. Now, the Danes are considering the same thing.

OVNIs, OVNIs Otra Vez

Esta vez se encuentran en Boston. Y aparecen en las pantallas de radar en el aeropuerto. No lo crees?

I'm Surprised It Hasn't Happened Earlier

Six Flags Over the Holy Land? We don't know what it will be called, but it's sure to attract religious seekers. Jesus, yes Jesus, is going to get a theme park. It will be near the Sea of Galilee where Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes. I wonder if they'll have the "Remove the Log from Your Eye" water flume ride, or "Dunk the Disciple" ball cage. There's a lot to work with.

Monarch

The USA is a republic, not a monarchy. But, twice a year here in Central Texas we have monarchs. No, we don't have kings, we have butterflies. The Monarch butterfly summers in Canada, and winters in Mexico. Austin is at the eastern edge of the flyway. I heard today that the flyway is between the I-35 corridor and Midland. I haven't seen any yet, but I'll keep an eye out.

Turn About Is Fair Play

Kenneth Matsumura, a California doctor, has begun a recall campaign against Ah-nold the Governator. Yes, it was bound to happen. Someone does to him what he did to Gray Davis. Pssst...they're just doing it so he can be free to run for President in 2008.

Football Ban

Not American football, but the rest of the world's football had been ruled unlawful according to Islam by some religious authorities in Saudi Arabia. Islamic extremists has issued a fatwa saying that football is banned. Of course, that has set off a debate within Saudi Arabia.

I suppose that American football would be especially haram. And not just because the ball is made of pigskin.

MILF Camps?

From The Counterterrorism Blog article about the recent Bali bombing:

The other cell that has been identified as being part of these attacks is a central Javanese cell that had a very important role in sending members to the Philippines for training. This cell first came to light in December 2004, when three Indonesians and their ASG escort were arrested entering Zamboanga, in the southern Philippines. The group was caught with US$7,000, 10 terrorist manuals, Al Qaeda VCDs and other materials. The four were on their way to MILF camps in Mindanao to conduct training. They also had blueprints for truck bombs on their possession.

It's news to me that they have MILF camps in the Philippines. And why would Indonesian terrorists go there for training, for God's sake? Radical Islamists won't even touch a woman, much less...uh..."train" with them. Just put MILF in Google and see what you get back. I tell ya, I'm stumped.

Prosthesis Thesis

The Ig Nobel award has named winners for this year. One of them is the inventor of prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs. If they guy had invented them for humans, he'd find a big market for them in the Democratic Party.

Where Have I Been?

A suicide bombing in Oklahoma just outside the stadium filled with spectators watching the Kansas State-Oklahoma football game happened without a report on any of the mainstream media. There weren't even any reports on the not-so-mainstream media. This is certainly strange...at a time when unconfirmed reports of an attack on the NYC subway system makes world headlines. Here is a case of someone who detonated himself on a bench outside of a filled football stadium, and we don't hear about it. Authorities have acknowledged that Joel Henry Hinrichs III, the bomber, tried to enter the stadium two times and had a ticket to the game.

Other reports say that large amounts of explosive materials were removed from his apartment along with jihadi literature.

Something smells fishy about this.

Mother & Daughter Reunion - Now I Can Sleep Again

Yes, it seems that Jennifer Anniston and her mom, Nancy, have renewed their relationship. They hadn't spoken since 1999 when mom Nancy published a book detailing secrets about her famous daughter. Contrary to my headline, this is the first I've heard of the spat. That shows you how much I keep up with the stars.

I do have an increased interest in tabloids, though. I'm trying to teach myself to read the Scandanavian languages, and a great way to do that is to read the tabloids from those countries. The writing is simpler and the stories are available in so many other languages that I can always check what I think I read.

God Is Still Speaking

To George Bush that is. An upcoming documentary on the BBC will report that George W. Bush told the Palestinian authorities in 2003 that God spoke to him and said, "George, go and put an end to the tyranny in Irak." At least it wasn't the Devil that made him do it.

He Ain't No Golddigger

New from K-Otix in Houston. Click the link and play the song, you be bobbin' yo head fo' long.

That's an Interesting Pick Up Line

How do you spell back pain relief? S-E-X with your doctor. Oh, c'mon lady! Wasn't he good enough?

Paris Has a Tough Week

Poor Paris Hilton, she breaks off her engagement (or someone broke it off for her) and then this! Paris was in line for the bathroom at Tao, a fashionable New York restaurant, and had to wait so long that she pissed in her pants. She must have been embarrassed, because she got out of line and went out the back door of the restaurant to go back to her hotel.

No Money-Back Guarantee

The poor guy that lost a judgment to his new bride (see below) about his impotence doesn't stand a chance. The company that manufactures Levitra used to have a money-back guarantee if it didn't...uh...perform correctly. Now, they can't even do that, it's against the law...at least in Norway.

That's Gonna Cost Ya!

A bride discovered on her wedding night that her new husband suffered from impotence. She went to court over it...and won! The Court agreed with her that her fiancé should not have kept his affliction a secret. Better get it up, guys! If not, you'll see her in court.

Rita Watch: Advisory 20

What's left of Hurricane Rita (yes, a full week later) traveled all the way to Norway over 8000 km. The Bergen Tidende reports that Rita was to arrive there Friday. She did, but not with as much rain as expected. So, while Rita is in the far North Atlantic, some TWC employees are working seven days a week to try to help with the mess she left.

Imagine by George W. Bush

Imagine, it's easy if you try, imagine George W. Bush below us, above us only sky.

Objetos Voladores No Identificados

El pueblito de Lajas en Puerto Rico ha decidido construir un aeropuerto para los OVNIS. Sí, ¡es la verdad! Un ganadero local ha puesto un rótulo con las palabras "Ruta Extraterrestre". El pequeño pueblo ha tenido una historia de contactos frecuentes con los del espacio. El alcalde del pueblo apoya el proyecto porque se cree que va a atraer los turistas. La pista del ovnipuerto va a ser 25 metros de largo con pirámides para torres de control. Se dice que a los extraterrestes les gustan las pirámides. ¿Qué le parece?

Rita Watch: Advisory 19

I learned this afternoon that my agency will be open each night this week until 7:00pm. We will also be open on Saturday 8:00am to 5:00pm and Sunday 1:00pm to 5:00pm. That's a lot of overtime when we've already had lots of overtime from Katrina.

This time we'll be taking Texas claims for Hurricane Rita. Other states are still handling Katrina claims, and the Louisiana Department of Labor opened a call center today to handle claims from Rita, I believe. There's so many different phone numbers now for different callers that the fraud vulnerability is going to be tremendous.

Lots of things have gone wrong with the Rita effort, but Texas evacuated twice the number of people as Louisiana. We also evacuated our nursing homes and hospitals. Yes, we had a terrible tragedy in Wilmer when that bus exploded, but all in all I believe we did a much better job than Louisiana. Michael Brown blamed it all on Louisiana government officials, and some of what he said is no doubt true. However, FEMA made plenty of its own mistakes and failed miserably.

Louisiana has long been more like a Third World country than like the rest of the US. I have said that ever since I traveled there the first time as an adult. I've been to and through Louisiana about 10 times as an adult. So, to see something resembling Haiti is not surprising. But, that should never happen in America, period.

Rita Watch: Advisory 18

Lines formed today in Houston at the FEMA office to register for benefits. Some people began waiting as early as Tuesday night. Around noon today people in line started to pass out from the heat. FEMA closed the line because it was just too hot for people to be waiting outside. There are new complaints about FEMA and its slow response, but this time it’s about Hurricane Rita.

Persons wanting to file claims for UI or DUA are waiting today between 12 and 25 minutes for their call to be answered. Then, once the call is answered, completion of the claim takes between 10 and 20 minutes. So, in the worst case, claimants may have to wait up to 45 minutes.

Rita Watch: Advisory 17

For those returning to the Gulf Coast another problem has reared its head. The dam at Lake Livingston is under tremendous pressure necessitating release of water. One problem though. The bridge over the Trinity River near the dam has a loose barge against one of the supports. If the water release is too strong the barge could damage the bridge making it dangerous to cross, or even knocking it down. For the time being, traffic on US 59 (a major thoroughfare from East Texas to Houston) is being diverted to other highways. New long lines of traffic and gridlock are popping up.

Right now, the wait on hold to file a claim for UI or DUA is between 10 and 15 minutes. That's the wait for Texas Rita claimants. Katrina calls are going mostly to other states. We don't yet know who will handle the Louisiana Rita calls.

So far, there is no Hurricane Stan on the horizon, but it's early still.

Do You Really Want to Swim with the Dolphins?

The press is reporting that Hurricane Katrina caused the release of several military dolphins. Yes, navy dolphins. They are outfitted with a special harness that holds toxic darts. These dolphins have been trained to locate and shoot underwater terrorists. No, it's not a joke. Be careful, and watch out for that harness.

Rita Watch: Advisory 16

First, let me correct the temperature I reported yesterday. I said it was 100F. It wasn't...it was 108F (43C). That's unbelievable even for Texas! Last week of September and 108? We're dyin' here! All those clouds and water just a few miles to the east.

The in-laws and the 4 dogs left this morning for home. They planned to leave about 4:00am, and they must have done it because they were gone when we got up at 6:00.

There were quite a few cars on the road this morning from the Houston area. How can I tell? Well, they were full of people and dogs and they had the windows down. Besides, that they had the name of a car dealer in Houston or the like. One of the traffic info signs said, "Expect delays to Houston. Gas shortages." Traffic was pretty heavy.

This morning our phone lines are all busy, and we have a 15 minute wait to get your call answered. Not too bad really. But, not even all of Houston is back yet, much less Galveston, Beaumont, or Port Arthur.

I just got a call that told me the in-laws got home just fine. They bought gas on the way home. It was $3.12 a gallon. Cheap by European standards. Exorbitant by US standards.

Rita Watch: Advisory 15

The weather in Austin has been very hot. We've had temperatures of 100F (38C) for this entire time. Not one drop of rain.

It had to happen. Two of the dogs got into it last nite over the water bowl. No blood was drawn, but there was definitely a fight. Then, another dog got into it with the same one. Belle took on Dutchess and had her pinned. They were broken up by the 86 year old man. Imagine that! Then Sandy jumped on Dutchess, too. The home team ganged up on the oldest dog of the visiting team. Pretty pitiful if you ask me. Taking on a deaf and blind opponent is not anything to brag about. But, the match between Sandy and Dutchess was more even. Sandy is 15 years old, and Dutchess is 16 or 17. They're both pretty much deaf and blind. No damage was done except to some dog egos.

With all this going on, Jennifer our daughter celebrated her 33rd birthday today. So, she got a bonus of an aunt and uncle at the party. We all went to Chuy's (the restaurant made famous by Jenna Bush when she was drinking under-age).

Martha and Al are returning to Houston tomorrow according to the plan that the Houston mayor laid out. For residents whose homes are south of I-10 and west of I-45 Monday is the day to return.

Tomorrow is the first day of filing DUA claims. It promises to be busy. I heard earlier today that 9 counties in Texas have been declared a disaster area. I don't know how many parishes in Louisiana have been added, but I'm pretty sure there are several that weren't part of the Katrina declaration.

Rita Watch: Advisory 14

From the looks of it at 2:25 pm the storm didn't wreak the devastation that Katrina did in Mississippi. I have just watched a video taken in Beaumont this morning, and I'm glad I'm not there, but it looks much more manageable that what Katrina left behind. However, reports from Sabine Pass and southwestern Louisiana haven't really come in yet. There are reports that people in Louisiana had called for rescue, but couldn't be helped because of the severity of the conditions.

The Governor is asking everyone to stay where they are, and not try to come back yet. The in-laws went to Target to get some dressier clothes so they can go to church tomorrow.

The dogs are quite content now, and aren't pacing all over. They're doing what dogs do best, that is they're laying around napping.

Rita Watch: Advisory 13

A reporter for KHOU-TV, who is in Beaumont, spoke with a police officer there in one of the neighborhoods who said, "There's looting all over the place." The officer also said that they've arrested a few people, but there's no appropriate place to keep them. Maybe the jail is no longer operational.

Large areas around Houston are without electricity. Kingwood is without power, and has many downed trees.

The eye of the storm (or what's left of it) is near Lufkin in East Texas with 100 mph winds. Lufkin is in a part of East Texas that is almost all pine trees. When I was about 8 or 9 years old we used to visit some friends, the Boyds, in Lufkin. What I most remember is that I would sneeze the entire time. I'm allergic to Lufkin. In spite of that, it's beautiful over there.

The mayor of Houston says that it's not a good time to come back. Reports are that there's no gasoline available. They're afraid people will have the same problems they did on Thursday and Friday.

The six dogs and six people made it thru the night without serious incident. Mo the sheltie continues to pester Sandy the 15 year old cocker. He must have a learning disability, because he always gets in trouble but he won't stop.

Rita Watch: Advisory 12

Reports are that a fire has broken out on the Strand in Galveston. Three building are reportedly engulfed in flames. The Strand is a historic area in downtown Galveston with lots of shops and restaurants. So far, the cause is unknown. Firefighters are having to deal with high winds which are fanning the flames.

Rita Watch: Advisory 11

Unless Rita makes a sudden lurch to the west, Austin won't even get any rain. The forecast for tomorrow is a 20% chance. Houston could see some flooding from heavy rains, but it looks like Houston will be on the safe side of the storm. Right now Rita looks like she's going to come inland almost right at the mouth of the Sabine River which is the state line between Texas and Louisiana.

For cities that are inland from the beach, the real problem will be tornados. Hurricanes set off lots of tornados as they start to pass over land. According to an AP story, a meteorologist in Lake Charles, La. said he could not keep count of the tornado warnings across southern Louisiana, "They were just popping up like firecrackers." This hurricane will probably also cause a lot of flooding, and East Texas (no that's not eastern Texas. Only furriners would say that.) is a place that already has all the rainfall it needs. Lots of pine trees in East Texas. In fact, Texas has a pretty large lumber industry, and it's located right where Rita is headed.

Well, in about 8 hours Rita will be on Texas soil. We sure are a hospitable folk aren't we? We can put up with some really rude visitors.

Rita Watch: Advisory 10

Get out your Sharpies, folks! The Governor of Louisiana, Kathleen Blanco, has told those who have chosen to ride out Rita to "write their Social Security numbers on their arms with indelible ink." Notice she said arms. I guess that means to write your number on both arms, so that if you should become dismembered they'll know which arm goes with which body ;-)

Get on your knees, folks! The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said "Be calm, be strong, say a prayer for Texas."

Based on our leaders' remarks, it ain't lookin' good.

Last night I read in a Swedish tabloid called Aftonbladet that another tabloid The National Enquirer has reported that Hurricane Katrina has made our President take to the bottle again. Now, with Rita coming he may go back to using cocaine.

Like I said, it ain't lookin' good.

Rita Watch: Advisory 9

The in-laws are at my house napping along with their four dogs. They left Houston at about 3:30 am and had no trouble getting to Austin. They went on "back roads" until they got to Hwy 71, then they came on in to Austin.

The four visiting dogs have met the two resident dogs, and it is reported that they got along just fine.

I heard reports that some levees in New Orleans have given way, and the Ninth Ward is flooding again.

We have finished (I think) getting the training and support material ready for use next week. It's going thru some final reviews right now.

I was reading some comments on the evacuation in which one person said, "Rick Perry makes George Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar." Now, that's tough talk! Funny...really funny...but tough.

Don't Mess with Texas

Rita Watch: Advisory 8

It's a sunny day here in Austin, and traffic was sort of light. That's a little mysterious, because with all the horror stories about traffic around the state I expected more than what I found.

Hotels and motels line I-35 for most of my drive in to work. Just from looking at the parking lots, they're all full. However, only one had a sign saying "no vacancy."

I read this morning that about 20 elderly people were killed in a bus fire near Wilmer, Texas. They were part of the exodus from the coast. Officials suspect that oxygen in use on the bus played a roll. That's one of those terribly sad unintended consequences. Rita has already claimed some lives in Texas, and she's not on land yet.

The wind is out of the north north-east. Very unusual for this part of the state. We're on the back side of the storm and this is some of its leading edge.

My sister-in-law and her husband called saying they were near Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. She said they had driven 60 mph all the way, and had no trouble. From the sound of it they probably went west on I-10 to Columbus, then north on Hwy 71. Strange that there was no traffic. That contradicts the stories I've heard on the radio and read on the web.

Rita Watch: Advisory 7



The Texas Department of Transportation has opened up both sides of almost all highways out of Houston and Beaumont to outbound traffic. Even with that it's still taking people 10 to 12 hours to travel what would normally be a 2-3 hour trip. Tanker trucks are delivering gasoline to people who've run out of gas on the highway. I've heard stories that people are turning off their engines and pushing their cars to save gas. The traffic is so slow that they only have to push the car 2 or 3 feet (about 0.5 to 0.75 meters) at a time. Hell of a way to get outta Dodge!


Traffic in the Capital City is heavier than normal, but I got home after work at about the regular time. I spent almost all day writing up and/or editing training for Hurricane Rita disaster claims. Our Tele-Centers are giving the training in sort of small groups. So, we're busy trying to come up with the next needed thing before they get through delivering the most recent needed thing. I think the new word for that is just-in-time delivery.

My boss's boss, let's call him Bob, was on a conference in his office with our Network Coordinator, let's call him Ernie, when he had to take another call at his secretary's cubicle. That call turned into a conference call too! So, he's standing in the cube with another person, let's call her Pat, talking on the speakerphone, while the other conference call with Ernie continues in his office. Things have gotten a little out of hand.

I learned on the way home that Rita has taken a turn toward the east, and is probably going to have landfall closer to Beaumont/Port Arthur than Galveston. The Goddess figured that her sister, the husband and the four dogs wouldn't come. They called about 6:45 tonight to say that they're leaving Houston at 2:00 am tomorrow morning and will be here when they can get here. We don't know when to expect them with all the reports of heavy, heavy traffic.

Rita Watch: Advisory 6

It's true that you can't believe everything you read. Take this for example: Texas evakueras - nu tar man inga risker. That was a headline on Expressen.se which is a Swedish newspaper website. It says something like: Texas is being evacuated - no one taking any risks now. Well, uh, no...not quite the whole state is being evacuated. Texas is a little bigger in territory than France, and has a population of about 20,000,000. That would be impossible to evacuate!

Although there are reports that it's taking 6 hours or more to go 10 miles. I read from one source that Texas has requested help from the Pentagon to get gasoline to people on the highway who've run out of gas and are stranded. Whew, I filled up yesterday!

Rita Watch: Advisory 5

All the experts are saying that Hurricane Rita is a catastrophic hurricane. I began to wonder just what that means. I know it means bad, but compared to what? I checked with the Atlantic Oceanographic and Meteorological Laboratory for definitions. Here's the description for a catastrophic hurricane:

Shrubs and trees blown down; considerable damage to roofs of buildings; all signs down. Very severe and extensive damage to windows and doors. Complete failure of roofs on many residences and industrial buildings. Extensive shattering of glass in windows and doors. Some complete building failures. Small buildings overturned or blown away. Complete destruction of mobile homes. Major damage to lower floors of all structures less than 15 feet above sea level within 500 yards of shore. Low-lying escape routes inland cut by rising water 3 to 5 hours before hurricane center arrives. Massive evacuation of residential areas on low ground within 5 to 10 miles of shore possibly required.

The different terms are: Minimal, Moderate, Extensive, Extreme, and Catastrophic. Wouldn't you know it's just like Texas to go for the biggest one?

Rita Watch: Advisory 4

The traffic this morning was especially heavy. I don't know if it has to do with the evacuees from Houston, but it sure was bad. I think the Houstonians that have come to Austin are so used to sitting in traffic for 2 hours each morning that they got up and just drove around.

Right now our Tele-Centers are training all of our temps on how to take a DUA claim. I went thru our materials this morning and decided which parts we should emphasize, and which parts we could skip.

Network operations shut down the Houston switch completely this morning as a precaution. The building it's located in is in a flood prone part of town.

The Goddess went to the grocery store last nite. The tuna and water were completely sold out. She bought a bunch of stuff that doesn't require cooking, because we were told to prepare for no electricity. The funny thing is that our stove is a gas stove! We don't need electricity to cook! She forgot that while she was at the store. She was thinking we would have to cook outside on our grill. Duh!

Fill up the water jugs!

Rita Watch: Advisory 3

The place I work had hired about 100 temporary employees to handle telephone disaster unemployment claims from Louisiana for Hurricane Katrina. We have just this week seen the call volume drop a little. Management was going to lay off all the temps today. Rita changed their mind. They've decided to keep the temps on and train them on taking Texas unemployment claims. That's where I come in.

Our regular training for CSRs is 8.5 days long. That's work days, mind you. So, if we trained them in our normal way, they wouldn't be ready to take calls until about the end of September. I got the assignment today to whittle our regular training down to just the basics for taking a claim. We need to have them taking calls on Monday. See, it's like this. If you want to file for Disaster Unemployment Assistance (DUA) you have to apply for regular Unemployment Insurance (UI) first. DUA will pay only when you're not eligible for regular UI. That's why we're having to train these temps in how to take a Texas claim. Three days training to send out millions of dollars. I'm not kidding - we paid out 1.9 billion dollars in 2004.

I heard on the news tonight that Hurricane Rita will still be a hurricane when it reaches Austin. That means that winds will be 75 mph at a minimum. We heard to store up water, and be prepared to go without electricity for 48 hours. What?! The Goddess without air conditioning? 48 hours?! Six people and six dogs and no air conditioning? Somebody send me some Rohypnol! I don't want to use it to rape anyone, I want to check out until it's all over.

Rita Watch: Advisory 2

One of my co-workers was on a conference call with 300+ agencies here in Texas. The director of the Governor's Emergency Management Office said that Texas shelters have never discriminated against pets and their owners, and will not do so now. Yay, Texas.

Rita has upgraded from version 4.0 to version 5.0 this afternoon. Do you think Bill Gates could get something out of that?

Found out this afternoon that the Houston metro area has a population of about 5 million people. Half of them are coming our way! Look out!

Rita Watch: Advisory 1

Hurricane Rita is in the Gulf of Mexico taking aim on Texas. Even though we’re basking under sunny skies today, the future portends to be cloudy. I’ll be making notes in the next few days on what happens regarding Rita here in the Austin area. Austin lies about 200 miles inland from the Gulf Coast. Rita’s forecasted track will pass directly between Houston and Austin. If that forecast holds Austin will be on the western side of the storm which is the safest side. If she veers a little to the south before making landfall, we'll be in deep shit.

Activity here at TWC has been steady but purposeful. We have been in emergency mode since Katrina, because we are coordinating the telephone calls for Louisiana’s unemployment claims and disaster unemployment claims. Some meetings about our emergency response to Rita have taken place, and some measures to secure the telephone switch in Houston have been implemented. We have heard that officials in Galveston and Houston have strongly urged everyone to evacuate.

If Rita does not change course by Friday, my sister-in-law, her husband, and four dogs will be coming to our house. That will make an equal number of dogs and people at home: six of each. Oh my!

Even More Traffic to Report


≈

Now things start to make sense. I had forgotten that the Dalai Lama was going to speak in Austin today. That's the reason for Homeland Security being in town. After work today as I was leaving the parking garage, I noticed motorcycle cops at every intersection and even driveway entrances. Austin often has dignitaries, so I started trying to remember who might be here. I went another block only to see more of the same. I then remembered that HH the Dalai Lama was here. I was on 15th street facing east, and waiting for the light. There was a loud siren, and the cops rode into the middle of the intersection and stopped traffic.

A few minutes later here came the motorcade. A long line of motorcycle cops two abreast, then white police cars, then black cars with very heavily tinted windows. I did see into the back seat of one with a little less tint and saw a guy in a suit whose face looked a little familiar. I don't have a clue though who he was. Then here comes this big black SUV with some kind of stuff on top that looked like one of those aerodynamic wedges. It was probably communications equipment. As the SUV passed I saw in the window just behind the driver. There was someone sitting there with that famous maroon color over the arm. Couldn't see a face, but it may have been HH himself! Of course it could have been some minor priest in his entourage, but I'm going to believe it was HH himself. I would say I saw him for maybe 0.1 of a second. Not much to write about is it? But, I have nonetheless.

More Traffic

This morning on my daily commute I actually saw a police car from the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, a police car. It was a white sedan with the lights on top and the wording painted in blue. It said Federal Protective Service on the door with Department of Homeland Security on the front fender. Never saw one of them before. Hmmm...must be one of those secret FEMA concentration camps around these parts.

BTW, if FEMA has set up concentration camps all over the country to imprison us all in (according to conspiracy theorists), why haven't they used them for the 1.5 million evacuees? Putting them in camps would have been easier for FEMA to keep the press away. Wouldn't have had those pesky reporters showing pictures of dead bodies at the Convention Center.

Trucking on I-35

I'm going to work this morning and I come upon an 18 wheeler driving erratically. He was in the middle lane weaving over to the left until he hit the traffic buttons, then he'd go right until he hit the buttons on that side. I followed him for about 3 or 4 miles, then I called 911. I turned him in to the police. Normally, I wouldn't do that, but this guy was making the traffic worse. Everyone was slowing down when they caught up with him, then they wouldn't pass because they were afraid he was going to hit them. I pulled up even with him and he was either yelling or singing real loud. I think he may have been awake with some assistance, if you get what I mean.

Don't know what happened, because I exited to go to my office. Ahh...all in a day's work.

If I Only Had That Kind of Face!

Well, now it's gonna be possible to get a new face. What?! Yes, you too can have a face transplant just like the movie with Travolta and Cage. Maria Siemionow M.D. is going to be the first doctor to attempt a face transplant from one person to another. She says it's for people that have been burned or otherwise disfigured, but really how long will it be before Paris Hilton has it done?

Ransom Demand: 300 Kilos of Cocaine

The daughter of one of the wealthiest men in the Netherlands was kidnapped from her home in Amsterdam this week. She was freed sometime yesterday. The novel part of the case is the ransom demand: 300 kilos of cocaine. That's a new one to me! The police suspect that drug traffickers are behind the kidnapping.

That makes for an interesting image. Imagine a dark deserted public square for the ransom to be delivered. From a warehouse in the shadows comes a forklift roaring out with a pallet full of plastic bags with white powder in them. The forklift driver sets the pallet down out in the open, backs up, and disappears back into the warehouse. From shadows on the other side of the square comes a pick up truck. A man get out, and looks around to make sure no one is watching. He steps up to the pallet, breaks open one of the bags, puts a little of the white powder on his finger and tastes it. He turns back toward where he came from, and signals thumbs up. Now, a dually diesel pick up roars out of the shadows with ten men in the back. They jump out and start loading the bags into both trucks. While they do this, a woman walks hesitantly out of the shadows from where the trucks came. She seems disoriented and scared. A man steps out of the warehouse and shouts, "Claudia!" She recognizes the man as her father, shouts "Papa!", and starts running to him. He opens his arms and she collapses into his embrace. Father and daughter turn and walk into the warehouse. The men finish loading the bags, and the trucks squeal their tires when they take off.

Not likely? No, I think 300 kilos of anything would be a little too cumbersome for a ransom demand. Hmmm...what was it all about then?

Preston Michael Spears Federline är här

How come I'm hearing this so late? I've been on the Internet off and on all day, but didn't see this until now. Poor Preston. If you had his parents, I'd feel sorry for you too.

Hey, I Didn't Do It! I Was Playing Golf



Don't blame him, he was on vacation for God's sake! Would you rush back to your job, just because of a little water?

Because Animals Are Better People Than People



Donate to the ASPCA animal relief effort in the region hit by Hurricane Katrina. Click on the banner to donate. I did.

Was That Michael Brown's Head I Just Saw Rolling By?

Yeah, I think it was. The FEMA director put in his resignation today in the interests of FEMA and the President.

Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

There's a old-timey phrase that goes - Why he'd look a gift horse in the mouth. It comes from back when people used horses for pulling plows and the like. Back then the buyer would look in the horse's mouth to determine how healthy and therefore how good the horse was. Well, if someone is giving you a horse, would you look in its mouth to see if you wanted to take it? That's the point, your not supposed to be so ungrateful that you'd do such a thing.

Well, we've done it. The US turned back some food rations provided by the German military, because we are afraid that they might be infested with Mad Cow Disease.

Nothing Quite Like a Father and Son Fishing Trip

Nothing Quite Like a Father and Son Fishing Trip
Originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Who needs food when there's fish like this in the water? Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

Mexico Invades the United States

Today, for the first time ever, Mexican troops have crossed the Rio Bravo into the United States. This is the first time that a contingent of regular foreign troops have set foot on American territory in the history of the U.S. Only this invasion is to bring supplies to Kelly AFB in San Antonio to help with evacuees from Louisiana. It's one of the few times that the U.S. has accepted foreign assistance. Well, I say, ¡Viva México!

Suicide in Germany Every 47 Minutes

Armin Schmidtke of the National Program for the Prevention of Suicide in Germany reports that in Germany someone commits suicide every 47 minutes. She says that worldwide it's such a large number of people that it's as if September 11 happens every day. As the song from Mexico goes, "La vida no vale nada, nada vale la vida."

Bring Him On!

Bring Him On!, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Bush was more than ready to land on a flight deck of an aircraft carrier. How 'bout parachuting him into New Orleans right near the Convention Center? I say bring him on!

You Have Been Warned

Sonnette Ehlers in South Africa has developed a penis trap to be used against rape. It's actually a condom placed in a woman's vagina. If she get raped the condom, called Rapex, adheres to the attacker's penis and cannot be removed. If he tries to pull the condom off, it digs even deeper into his penis. When he shows up at a hospital for help, the emergency personnel can call the police. So, it prevents the spread of AIDS by rape, and prevents pregnancy from a rape. Let someone get "trapped" and it'll prevent rape too!

The Perfect Job for Me

The London zoo has an exhibit of homo sapiens on display in it's simian section. They just wear swim suits and play all day. Sounds perfect! Do they have one person sitting at a computer all day reading the Internet? No? Well, that's the job for me. Where do I apply?

Borat Attacks

I had heard that Borat was hitchhiking in Wise County, Texas, but I suppose he got a ride. Now, he's in California.

Nostalgic?

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...Chairman Mao rides again!

An Anonymous Administration Official Said:

"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground... We are in the process of...shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning." Don't you like that? Shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning...how about in the middle and will dominate at the end. Shedding the unreality? Hardly.

Sing Us a Song, Piano Man

Sing us a song he did. It was all a fraud. It turns out the Piano Man can't play the piano, and he didn't have amnesia. He used to work in a mental hospital, so he knew how to act like a mental patient. He's just a gay German who wanted to commit suicide, but didn't go thru with it. By the way, isn't gay German a contradiction in terms?

Who Done It?

Workers in a mosque near Jaffa found a pig's head inside the mosque with a keffiyeh and the name Mohammed written on it. Okay, Muslims and Jews both consider the pig to be impure. So, who would have brought it in there? Christians? Discordians? Atheists?

Honorary American

Honorary American, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

I have the pleasure of announcing that Lord Furthermore has been granted honorary American citizenship. Attached is a photo of the Lord Himself. One problem, though, since we allow no royalty in America, we have taken the liberty of changing his royal title of Lord to his first name. Therefore, let it be known far and wide that the former Lord Furthermore will be henceforth named Lord Furthermore. The word Lord no longer being a title, but his first name.

This action is in line with that great American tradition of re-inventing oneself, a la Puff Daddy to P Diddy to Diddy. Besides, we can make you American, democratic, and consumerist whether you want to be or not, just ask the French. EuroDisney is just a little parcel of red, white, and blue in France. Our red, white, and blue by God!

Notice in the photo how Lord stares to the horizon personifying American wanderlust, as he fills 'er up with foreign fossil fuel. Go west young man! Or in this case, put on your glasses old man! He's really squinting in an effort to make out the visible panty lines of some much younger American women going into the Burger King next door. (Okay, so we do allow some royalty here.) No, there's no thongs in them red states, thank God!

Ever vigilant! See how Lord steadfastly attends the pump as directed by the sign on the gas pump. You know in your heart that he wasn't prosecuted, because Lord wouldn't drive off! Jack off, maybe, but never drive off.

Open road, convertible with the top down, sliding that throbbing stiff gas nozzle into the hot wet tunnel, oh happy day! How much more American could he be? Welcome to American citizenship, Lord, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Death by PowerPoint Ain't Just a Phrase

Yale professor Edward R Tufte says that not only are PowerPoint presentations boring, they are actually dangerous. He even says that a continuous PowerPoint presentation could have been responsible for the Columbia space shuttle crash. He says it makes you dumb.

Norwegian Men Request Caesarian

What? Norwegian men want to have Caesarian sections...uh, no, the want their women to have them. Hmmm...now I wonder why would that be? ;-)

Porn Makes You Blind

Well, ain't that a helluva note? First it's masturbation, then Viagra, and now it's porn! Well, okay, porn won't make you blind quite the same way the other two will (said by someone with severe myopia). It "confuses" you so that you can't pick out a picture of a certain building, if there's a porn picture in the stack close to it. Someone in the US (that means with an ax to grind) tested volunteers to see of they could pick out a photo of a specific building from a stack of a hundred or so photos. The test really was to see if they could pick it out after having seen a porn photo shortly before. I wonder if handling the photos makes hair grow on your palms.

Well, It's Not a Completely Bad Thing, Is It?

More and more Brits are drinking themselves to death. Alcohol that is. In England and Wales deaths from cirrhosis of the liver or alcohol poisoning have risen by 18.4%. In the North England region of Yorkshire and Humber the rates have increased by 46.5%. Sounds bad, but just think, it's mostly those football hooligans. Not so bad after all, huh?

I Heard It from Dan Savage

But, it's not a joke. A man died after having sex with a horse. No, the horse didn't kick him, the horse, uh, well, fucked him to death. Really. Click the link.

But Can She Sing Happy Birthday, Mr. President?

Sherri Lea Laird is Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. Okay, so who's the reincarnation of my grandmother? I'd much rather talk to her.

Insurance Against Senility?

A study of monolingual and bilingual individuals shows that the bilinguals suffer less from senile dementia than monolinguals. ¿Muy interesante, no?

Foot Size + 5 cm Divided by Two

Russian researchers have discovered that you can tell how big a man's dick is by the size of his foot. Measure the length of his foot in centimeters, add 5, then divide by two. The formula works for 90% of men. Of course, you could just put on clown shoes to impress people.

Okay, Mike, but No Biting

Mike Tyson has run out of money. So, he's turning to his skills as an actor to get out of debt. Huh? Actor? Well, uh, yeah, actor. See, he's going to become a porn star under the stage name of "Iron Mike." What's he gonna do when he get 'em in the clinch? No biting, Mike, no biting.

Just Blame It on the Viagra

Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended from Major League baseball because of steroid use. He testified in Congress that he has "never used steroids. Period." Even today he says, "I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." He claims not to know how steroids got into his body. Well, he has been on TV as a pitch (get it?) man for Viagra. Maybe that's how! Wait a minute! I get it, he unintentionally used them. Well, that's okay then.

Michael's Latest Album a Big Flop

Yes, it was bound to happen. Michael Jackson's comeback is more like a go-away. His latest album The Essential Michael Jackson sold only 8000 copies in the USA in its first week. Just move to Berlin, Michael, and leave us alone.

Free Admission for the Naked

The Leopold Museum in Vienna has a summer special. If you show up naked at the entrance, you get in free.

Fuck Me Pumps Cause Schizophrenia

Hey, I ain't makin' this up. A Swedish researcher, Jarl Flensmark,has published a paper in Medical Hypotheses that the advent of high heels coincides with the first reported cases of schizophrenia. He goes even further to point out that the mass production of high heel shoes is followed by higher rates of schizophrenia. This happened in Massachusetts where mass production of shoes began, and the same pattern shows up when mass production spread to Europe. Who knew?

Chewable Viagra

I hadn't heard of this new way to take Viagra, but here it is. They say there's this "problem" in Argentina, because younger men are taking it for recreational reasons. So? Like there's some other reason for sex? Okay, okay, that's how we procreate, but if it weren't for the fun part of it we would have gone extinct eons ago. Bring 'em on!

41 or 46 Samples Contained Cocaine

The toilets in the European Parliament building have traces of cocaine on them. So says German professor Fritz Sörgel. He's done similar studies on public restrooms around Europe. He found 80% of the toilets in the Bundestag in Berlin had cocaine traces, and that 90% in Brussels did. The Parliament's response was to call the testing an "invasion of privacy" and threaten legal action.