Marcos Arroyos.com

Yes, a man in China has decided to make the last name of his newborn son Zhao.com. The man's last name is Zhao and he is employed in information technology. What could be better?

Marcos del Col

Starting Saturday, January 1, 2005 the French can select to use either the mother's last name or the father's last name when naming a child. They can even use both separated by a hyphen. But, in cases of disagreement, they will still follow patronymic tradition.

They Caught Me While I Was Praying

Saddam Hussein says through his attorney that the story of his capture promulgated by the Americans is a "stupid Western movie." The truth he says is that he was praying at a friend's house and "I found myself surrounded by Americans without a support force." Praying? I wonder about that.

Remember, Kerry Won The Exit Polls Too

Exit polling shows that Viktor Yuschenko won the second second round of the Presidential election in Ukraine. So, does that mean he really won? Remember America!

President to Be

President, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

"Don't worry, you guys, I have plans for you." - Viktor Yuschenko speaking to a meeting of the Ukrainian Secret Service.

Well, It Wasn't Me!

The Ukrainian Secret Service(SBU)announced on its website today that it had nothing to do with poisoning the opposition candidate for the Presidency, Viktor Yuschenko. Does this shock anyone? Imagine being the top guy at the SBU, and knowing that Yuschenko is gonna with this second attempt at an election. Oooh shit! Time to find a nice dacha in Russia.

A Woman's Vibrating Razor with a "Thicker" Handle?

Yeah, right, a vibrating razor for $9.99 to $11.99. Razor? Well, yeah, I guess you could use it for that too, cutting hair I mean.

Christmas Tree from Mars?

American and Mexican scientists are planning to plant a certain type of pine tree on Mars. No shit! They feel that growing them there will make the planet habitable. But, in the meantime, how about some entrepreneurial spirit? Sell them as Christmas Trees.

Wahhabis and Porn?

Saudis like porn with their religion. Well, at least 97% of internet users try to enter porn related sites. Who said they don't approve of the Western lifestyle?

Mysterieuze Gazwolk Drijft over Amsterdam

Yes, there was a mysterious cloud of gas drifting over Amsterdam Sunday morning December 19. What could it have been? A collective Dutch fart?

No Smoking

Bhutan, a small country in the Himalayas near Nepal, has banned smoking in the entire country. Smoking of tobacco is illegal in any public space in the country. Sales of tobacco are banned as well. So, if you're a smoker, you can only smoke inside your home, and you must leave the country to purchase tobacco products. The government also charges a very high tax on tobacco products brought into the country. And you were pissed when you couldn't smoke at a restaurant! Consider yourself lucky.

Oh, Those Crazy Catalunyans

A Christmas season tradition in Catalunya is the Caganer. That's a shitter. Then there's the cagatio. It's hard to fully explain or appreciate. Just click the link above. Feliz Cagando.

While You're at It...

Members of Parliament in Canada are trying to get women's hygiene products exempt from the national sales tax. So, while they're at it, could they exempt condoms too?

Sushi? I Don't Think So.

Sushi? I Don't Think So., originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Viktor Yushenko was poisoned by his government. He was campaigning for President of Ukraine and they wanted to eliminate him. They say what changed his face overnight in September, 2004 was eating bad sushi. I don't care for sushi, but I don't believe it would do THAT to you!

Hey, Wait! Sleeping's My Hobby

Arise! Sit up!
What advantage is there in your sleeping;
What sleep is there to those who are afflicted by disease,
Pierced by the arrow of suffering?


-Sutta Nipata

But, Can You Still Get Buttered Popcorn?

Bollywood beats Hollywood to the cell phone market. I'm not sure that's a real victory. Now, you can watch a full-length film on your cell phone. But, why would you want to? Talk about eye strain!

THAT Explains It!

A study of marijuana use shows that using the popular drug leads to increased risk of psychiatric problems. Hmm...no wonder I have a shrink!

Does an Empty Appetizer Plate Cost More Than an Empty Dinner Plate?

Anorexics in Berlin now have a restaurant where they can go not to eat. The owners and chefs are all anorexics. I won't be going there for dinner.

How Much Would It Be Without the Martini?

The Algonquin Hotel in New York is now offering a $10K Martini. Included in the bottom of the glass is a diamond. But, what if you can't stand the taste of a Martini?

Simple and Durable...What More Could You Want?

Yes, it's here. The Grey Sweatsuit Revolution is a fact! And, Baby, it won't be televised.

Exile Where?

You know it's got to be bad when you have to request political exile in fucking El Salvador. Imagine being a police officer in some country and having to request exile in some Derde Wereld backwater like that! Suprisingly they didn't request exile here. We usually like to take in former death squad members, but I guess El Salvador is really the home of los escuadrones de la muerte.

Psst, You Wanna Buy a Car?

Poor Juergen Schrempp, President of DaimlerChrysler, got his official car stolen. It's a Mercedes Class S600. It has a reinforced body and bullet-proof windows. It weighs 3.5 tons. The value is 800,000 euros. I'll bet you could make a good deal on it though.

Chrismukkah

Yes, it's that time of year again. It's when we begin a long season of celebrations. Let's see it starts with Thanksgiving, then Hanukkah, Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year, and the biggest one of all Super Sunday. Someone in a "mixed" family, Jewish and Christian that is, has come up with a name for two of the celebrations - Chrismukkah. Just click and learn all about it.

Who?

Ireland tops the list of the 100 best places to live. You mean that place that everyone was dying to get out of about 120 years ago? That place? We even came in 13th! Not even in the top 10. Well, at least we beat the French.

Germans Stink!

That's according to a poll conducted in Germany concerning the workplace and problems there.

It's a Plague of Biblical Proportions!

The locusts are back in Egypt. That was the 8th plague out of ten to get Pharaoh to release the Hebrew slaves. What's next? Passover?

He Is STILL Alive

Really, no shit, Yasser Arafat is alive. There is no possibility witin Islam to disconnect him from life support, so they just have to wait on God. It would be interesting to see a special on MTV of Arafat Unplugged.

Yeah, Well, Tell THAT to Homeland Security!

Yusus Islam a.k.a. Cat Stevens was awarded the Man for Peace Award in Rome. The man handing him the prize was none other than Michael Gorbachov. Funny, wasn't it just a while back that we deported him for being a terrorist?

Ve Haf Vays to Mek You...

Fake an orgasm. Yes, evidently, it's true. A majority of German women say that they "simulate" orgasms. Must be all the leather that gets in the way.

Going Once...Going Twice

Someone, somewhere, has Saddam Hussein's leg, and is auctioning it off on an online auction house. Wanna bid? Go to www.azubo.de. Okay, it's not really his physical leg, it's the leg from his statue that was knocked down by American troops on that famous videotape. But, be careful! The German government is investigating its authenticity.

Make No Mistake

We don't let no faggots get married here in Texas, and we're gonna make that plain to our kids.

Is That Like a Reversible Jacket?

Yes, the Palestinian National Authority has finally admitted that Arafat is in a coma. They say it is a "reversible coma." I've never heard those two words together like that. I think we've been introduced to a new phenomenon. Let me check Wikipedia. No, there's no page with that title. Wanna make one?

Get the Red Out!

Two must-have products for those of us "Blues" living in the "Red" states. One is Vizine to get the "Red" out of our teary red eyes, and the other is Photoshop to replace "Redeye" with a nice blue. To paraphrase Crystal Gayle, "Oh,don't it make my red eyes blue?"

Warp Speed

What took weeks even months back in the '70s when Franco died, and then didn't die, and then did die, has only taken one afternoon today. Just check out this page.

You Say "Medically Complex" I Say "Clinically Dead"

Here's an excerpt from an email I received from one of my "sources."

PNA: Yasser Arafat Dies in Paris?
November 04, 2004 1711 GMT
Several reports, including some from high-ranking European officials, have emerged that Palestinian National Authority leader Yasser Arafat has died in a Paris hospital, though hospital officials have denied the reports, saying Arafat�s condition is "medically complex." Palestinian spokespeople also denied the reports, but specified that Arafat was not "clinically dead."

He's in a coma...wait that's not a fucking coma...that's a medically complex condition, for God's sake!

He's Dead. No, He's Not!

What did I say? It's Franco all over again. The Israelis say he's dead, the French say he's not. But, who can trust either one of them?

He's Doing Very Well...Oops, He's Dead

Yasser Arafat is in a coma according to French sources. Is this going to be another one of those Generalisimo Francisco Franco stories? He's still alive, he's still alive, he's still...uh...dead.

Forgive Us, Father, for We Know Not What We Do

More of the same for four more years. That's not a good thing. America did not deserve what it got after the last election, because the election was stolen. This time it wasn't stolen, and, poor America, will deserve what it gets.

Talk About Jumping the Gun!

Correioweb, a Brazilian news website, has already call it for Kerry. They are predicting 306 electoral votes for Kerry and 218 for Bush. That's out of a total of 538. Wait a minute! What happened to the other 20? Uh-oh, scandal in the offing.

Poor Al Goldstein

Former publisher of Screw magazine, Al Goldstein, find himself homeless these days. The 68 year old Goldstein was working as a greeter at the Second Avenue Deli, but he got fired because he slept there one night. He's so down that another homeless guy at the shelter gave him 5 bucks. When asked if he would do it all over again, he said yes! What a fucking idiot! He wouldn't change anything he says. He must like livin' at the shelter.

It's Election Day and El Dia de Los Muertos

Hmmm...what's that trying to tell us? While we remember to vote, we should also remember the dead. Might the dead be voting after all? Bring 'em on!

Imagine What It Would Be

If we weren't there to help. According to a new study by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Columbia University School of Nursing, and Al-Mustansiriya University more than 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died due to violence since the war began. And they tell us we're there to help the Iraqi people. What? They needed help with population control? Gimme a break? We're over there to help American corporations and to scare the Bejesus out of Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Well, I THOUGHT She Was My Wife

An American on a flight to the Phillipines was detained and denied entry into the country after a woman complained he was sexually harrassing her. She just happened to be the Governor of Mindoro, an island in the country. He later said he had become confused and thought the woman was his wife. What the hell was he trying to do, have sex in the lavatory?

Food Fight

Taiwanese members of Parliament get down with a food fight. If only our Congress could get Tom DeLay involved in one!

Now THAT Would Be Something to See!

A coalition of political parties in Chile have asked the Chilean Court of Appeals in Santiago to issue arrest warrants for George W Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. They want them tried for crimes against humanity for Abu Ghraib torture. Bush is supposed to visit Chile for a summit in the near future. Bring 'em on!

The Netherlands Prepares to Invade the US

I was driving home yesterday on I-35 when I noticed a most unusual thing. There was a white GMC Savannah van traveling north with large black lettering on the sides that said, "Royal Netherlands Air Force." Toward the rear of the van was more lettering that said, "Apache Training Detachment." Inside the van were 5 people. Two men in the front and two women in the second seat, with what looked to be a child in between the two women. None of them had on any kind of uniform, except the man in the passenger's seat had on an orange shirt. Maybe that was some kind of uniform (orange is sort of the Dutch national color), but I didn't see any epaulets or medals. So, what's going on? Is this some kind of advance team sent over here to scope things out? Is the Netherlands planning some kind of post-election invasion while were occupied trying to count the votes? I'm worried.

I'll Kill Myself If You Convict Me

Michael Jackson's family is trotting out a story that "The King of Pop" will kill himself if he's convicted of child molestation. Is that what they call preparing the Jury pool? Give me a break!

Pornostar in Campo

Pornostar in Campo, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Here in the U.S. we always have unattractive male streakers at sports events. Now, those Europeans...

Not Exactly 12 Angry Men

It was more like 3 confused men and 3 confused women. I was on a jury in the County Court at Law #2 in Williamson County, Texas. Since it was a county court, it had 6 instead of 12 members. This is like my tenth time to be called for jury duty, and the 3rd time Ive actually been selected. What have I done to deserve this? Don't answer that!!!

This time I was on a family violence case. It was a 21 year old guy and an 18 year old girl who were common law married. Get this, they had 3 kids when it happened in August of '03. They now have 4 kids, and she's going to turn 20 on Halloween Day. We acquitted him, because there was a "reasonable doubt." The girl said one thing on the day and another thing on the stand. They did not put her written statement into evidence from the day it happened. The only thing we had was her testimony today and the cop's. Anyway, she took the stand and took the 5th. Yes, she took the 5th amendment! She was afraid that she would be prosecuted for perjury or lying to a police officer. She had a court-appointed attorney who advised her to take the 5th. So, the prosecutor had to find her to get her served a subpoena, then she gets to the stand and takes the 5th. They rush us out of the courtroom while they all argue about it. So, when we return she's still on the stand, and is now willing to testify, because she has been given immunity from prosecution for perjury. Which I think she proceeded to commit, but was immune from prosecution. Anyway, there was story A and story B. When it happened she refused any treatment or even examination by EMS, so there was no medical type evidence of her injuries. There were some photos of scratches on her arms and one on her neck, but she says she doesn't remember how that happened. She says she punched the guy in the nose causing him a bloody nose (I believe this part), and that the blood on the floor and the walls is from that. It actually seems more plausible than blood from her scratches. Anyway, it was VERY confusing, and so we had reasonable doubt. After it was over and we had acquitted him, we find out that he is already in prison for bank robbery. He was the guy that was holding up banks in Cedar Park. He had held up several and gotten away with it for a while. They had to get him out of prison to come stand trial on this charge. He has other charges pending on Family Violence. The judge came to us afterward and said that if he had heard the case he would have done the same thing. He just felt there was reasonable doubt.

It's been quite a couple of days! That makes the 3rd time I've been on a jury, and the first time that I was jury foreman. What an honor.

Anxiety, Fear, and Depression

A new study in China reveals that 22% of children there suffer from behavioral and emotional problems. They feel it is due to the traditionalist kind of education, and the "only child" policy in China. No wonder I'm so fucked up! I'm an only child at 53.

Jury Duty

Yes, again. For a few years there while I wasn't registered to vote, I quit having to go to jury duty. I was getting called every year, and sometimes more than once a year. I have lost count of how many times I've been called. Anyway, I got called again. Today was the day. I have been assigned to a jury panel to be convened on Thursday in a County Court at Law. Those courts are kinda like Triple-A baseball. It's still the minor leagues, but it's just short of the majors. Last time, I got called to a Justice of the Peace Court which isn't even a court of record, for God's sake! Talk about minor league!

A court of record means that when you appeal there is a record of all the evidence presented, and it's put under review. But, when a case is appealed from a court that is not a court of record, everything starts over, as if the first trial never happened. So, I was on a jury in a JP court and we found the guy guilty. But, he appealed, and all we did was irrelevant. At least on Thursday, our efforts won't just be for naught.

Hey, He Wanted to Die!

A medical team in Colorado has been charged with homicide for removing the organs of a transplant "donor" before he was actually dead. He had tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head, but the medical examiner says he wasn't dead yet. Well, I guess he is now!

New Name for Dumpster Diving

Here it is: Freegan! Are they serious? Hmmm...I'm gonna have to think about this.

There's No Fool Like an Old Fool

Billy Joel got married to a 23 year old. She's just 32 years younger.

Florida: Still the Banana Republic

According to Jimmy Carter, election observer extraordinaire, Florida still doesn't have what it takes to ensure a clean election.

It's Raining Crucifixes!

A 72 year old Italian woman was killed in San Onofrio while walking down the street. A crucifix fell from above and killed her. It had been loosened by restorations to the monument it stood on.

But, But, What If the Prostitute Is a Man?

The US Military has adopted a new policy making it an offense to use the services of a prostitute. The change is an effort to stop trafficking in women forced into prostitution near US military bases overseas. I suppose it would be okay to traffic in men.

Let This Be a Sign Unto You

Hurricanes Charley, Frances and Ivan are God's message to Florida and the South. He did not vote for Bush. Would you call it karma?

Cell Phone on a Motorcycle?

Yes, at least in Italy. Now you can get a helmet with a wireless cell phone built in.

Oh, The Life of a Revolutionary!

The leaders of two rival guerrilla groups in Peru are in the same prison with life sentences. One of them proposed peace talks with the government. Due to that he got special privileges. He gets to have his girlfriend come "visit" him each night. The other one gets to listen. Well...he's heard enough! Now he's complaining that they only let his mother and sister come to visit him. Poor guy...but what did he expect?

SHGb02+14a

Not the most exciting or descriptive of names, but that's the name for the place that scientists have received radio signals from. Maybe it's them!

What Does Don Henley Know?

One of Don Henley's songs is titled They're Not Here, They're Not Coming, but what does he know? They done been here! I was put onto this story by one one those crazy Europeans who thinks that women dressed in the chador are sexy. There's just no accounting for taste.

Seventeen Million Dollars Says Otherwise

Michael Jackson says he's innocent of the charges of child sexual abuse, but his payouts say otherwise.

Barcelona: Nudist Paradise

Oh, I'll be that El Generalisimo Francisco Franco is turning in his grave. The City of Barcelona has approved nudity in public in their fair city. Are they sure they want to go through with this? If the Barcelonans look anything like the folks I've seen in the locker room, I don't want to go there.

Cocaina a la Modificacion Genetica

Researchers funded by Colombian cocaine traffickers have developed a genetically modified coca plant. It's bigger, better, more resistant to pesticides, and gives a better high. What more could we want? Besides, with the cost of research nowadays, who else can afford it?

De Knie Is Fini

Last Monday my wife, the Goddess, went to the hospital to have knee replacement surgery. The surgery went well and the doctor said, "She's just going to love her new knee." I hope she's right (yes, it was a female orthopedic surgeon). The only problem is that little thing called recovery. The Goddess has had hell with it. In fact, she told me that if she had known it would be this bad, she's not sure she would have done it. I don't know what she would have done instead, because she was in constant pain before the surgery. Anyway, she's coming along quite well, in my opinion. But, the Goddess wants it to be over already. She moved from the hospital room to a rehab unit (in the same building) on Friday. She's probably going to stay there thru Wednesday. At least, that's what the insurance has approved.

A question has come to my mind: What do they do with the old knee? Do they "reuse" parts of it? Do they like cremate it? I'll have to try to find that one out.

Does It Improve on Silence?

Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

-Sai Baba

Gunner

Gunner, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

The American Military threatens Muqtadha al Sadr outside the Imam Ali mosque.

Marktadha al Sadr

Marktadha al Sadr, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Really, I had no idea! Wow, this is kind of embarrassing. Oh well.

Lith..Who?

The US Olympic basketball team has lost to the Lithuanians. Who? What's that some kind of medicine for bipolar disorder? The creator and all time king of basketball is dead? Le roi est mort, vive le roi!

Senator Kennedy a Terrorist?

The Department of Homeland Security has apologized to Senator Edward Kennedy for a mix-up that has happened several times when he has tried to board airplanes in the US. It seems his name is similar to someone suspected of being a terrorist. Nah, it's that the Republicans think he's a terrorist!

Homeland Security Letter

The following letter was provided to me through sources who requested to remain unnamed. Marcos Arroyos cannot verify the authenticity or the truthfulness of this letter. I can only pass it on to my concerned fellow citizens.

August 19, 2004

Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
USA


Dear Lord Furthermore:

One of our many duties at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is the verification of the safety of the American food production system. Toxic biological and/or chemical agents introduced into the food distribution system could wreak havoc with the American way of life. In an effort to secure the nation�s food supply, we have undertaken a wide variety of security measures regarding this important issue. Of course, we cannot publish the exact nature of these measures, but we can divulge some their general aspects.

We conduct routine DNA analysis of food products, and compare those results with several data bases. A recent comparison brought about an unexpected outcome. In fact, the outcome was so unusual that we thought there had been a rupture in the chain of custody of the tested sample. However, we tested the sample again in a different DHS-operated laboratory, and were faced with the same results.

Our test discovered a match between your DNA and a substance found on some feathers retrieved from a poultry processing plant in the Northeastern United States. Additional investigation revealed that the feathers in question came from the anus area of one of the hens processed in that plant. There was trace evidence of chicken blood on the feathers along with what turned out to be seminal fluid. Such a discovery proved to be quite puzzling to us until we had Dr. Henry Lee, a renowned DNA expert, and one of our forensic veterinarians inspect the test results. They hypothesized that someone of North European descent with red hair had engaged in rough sex with the hen.

In an enlightened and sexually liberated environment such as your place of residence this behavior may not cause consternation, but we wish to assure you that the DHS takes a dim view of this kind of aberrant and unnatural sexual practice. It is within our purview as Protectors of the Homeland to take any steps necessary to prevent any and all deviant sexual acts.

Later investigation revealed that the poultry processing plant had placed a job advertisement for a chicken plucker for which many people applied. Only under hypnosis was the staff there able to recall that during testing for the position one applicant insisted on plucking the chicken while it was still alive. This applicant also insisted that he be allowed to pluck his chicken in private in the men�s room. The rest of the story is too raw and unseemly to repeat. Suffice it to say that when male members of the staff later discovered the plucked hen lying unconscious in the sink basin of the men�s room, they joked that the job posting was for a chicken plucker not a chicken fucker.

Lord Furthermore, we regret to inform you that any future travel by you to or through the United States of America is hereby prohibited.

Very truly yours,
Tom Ridge
Director, Department of Homeland Security

NOW They Tell Me!

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has discovered that "We found a tight connection between teen sexual behavior and dating and teen risk of smoking, drinking and using illegal drugs." Duh! I wonder if they would find a "tight connection" between swimming, laying eggs, quacking and being a duck? Gimme a break!

Chatter Stopped

Sources with the US intelligence community have confirmed per Stratfor that al-Qaeda chatter has gone silent. This usually happens just before a big attack, when they've been infiltrated, or when a big arrest has been made. Batten down the hatches, 'cause the shit's about to hit the fan.

Yeah, But the Throat Cancer Will Get Ya First

Rolling Stones star Charlie Watts has been diagnosed with throat cancer. Meanwhile, Spanish researchers have discovered that Cannibinoids (good ol' marijuana) prevent the growth of brain tumors. I wonder if there's a preventative effect? Of course, you could end up like Charlie - you keep the brain healthy, but the throat cancer takes you out.

Blame It on Viagra

Evidently there's been a surge in divorces among people 55 and older. Many factors figure in, but ultimately they blame it on the Viagra.

Banana Republic Ain't Just a Clothing Store

The European Organization for Security and Cooperation has announced that it will send election observers to the US to make sure there's no irregularities in the Presidential election this November. Watch out, a military coup d'etat is next!

Atlantis Found!

According to Ulf Erlingsson, a Swedish geographer, the lost kingdom of Atlantis is actually Ireland. He says that the legend about it sinking below the ocean is actually a story about a shoal in the North Sea that did get flooded in about 6500 BC. Well, my idea is that the sinking story is more metaphorical. The natives of Atlantis (Ireland) had just discovered alcoholic beverages, and drank themselves into oblivion. So, the sinking legend is about their drinking themselves "under the waves" so to speak. Don't believe me? Hey, they're still at it!

So, Ya Wanna Move to Texas?

Well, if you think the weather is so great here, because we seldom have any snow, you'd be right about the no snow. But, you wouldn't be right about the great weather. The forcast high today is 101F. That's almost equal to 40C. You think that's great weather? Park your car outside for 30 minutes, then see if you can bear to touch the steering wheel when you get back in.

Dime que No Es Verdad

Al-Qaeda Chiapas? Al-Qaeda Mexico City, Tijuana, Guadalajara, Monterrey, Juarez? Yep, that's what Raymundo Riva Palacio says. He says they're coming into the US along with illegal aliens. In fact, he says one was arrested in McAllen on July 19 at the airport. He was heading to New York to do who knows what? There's even a Hezbollah group in Chiapas! Allahu Akhbar a la Mexicana!

Appalling, Just Appalling

Harper's Magazine in reporting in its weekly review that British soldiers allegedly mistreated Iraqi prisoners by "making them dance like Michael Jackson." I wonder if they also made them fondle little boys?

Bonkers

They say Bush in bonkers. I can sympathize, I am too; but of course I'm not the President.

Reminisce

Carnival Spirit, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Oh, just thinking back to that leisurely luxurious cruise we took to the Caribbean.

No Thanks, We'll Just Stay Irrelevant

The Papacy has issued another "Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church" about homosexuality and feminism. It claims they both undermine the family. What the fuck do a bunch of never married old queers know about raising a family? And, how can they condemn homosexuality, when that's what about 70% of them are? The other 30% are pedophiles. God forgive them for they know not what they do.

Back from Galveston

Been gone for avbout a week. First, went to Houston to see the in-laws. Went to an Astros game (Astros won), and saw the Bourne Supremacy. I think the game was better than the movie, because the game had several home runs. The movie was full of non-sensical chase scenes that lasted much too long. Chase scenes are to movies what drum solos are to rock concerts. A little bit is good, a little more is not. By the way, while waiting outside the gate at Minute Maid park, I happened to see two Al-Qaeda operatives casing the place. Well, what else would they be, if not Al-Qaeda? Two "Middle Eastern" appearing men, way over-dressed for an American baseball game, standing outside the stadium, but not going in. Then they moved to the curb and looked down the street as if they were waiting for someone to pick them up, but no one did. They turned and began looking at the roof of the stadium and pointing. Then they suddenly walked away. Aha, but not until after I took their picture! I made like I was having the Goddess pose in front of the stadium, and I took a picture with them in the background. Gotcha!

We spent a couple of days in Galveston eating way too much seafood. All in all, it was a lot of fun.

El Poeta Maestro

Marcos, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

I stand on one leg,
I make the loudness peg,
Your indulgence I beg
As you gaze at my jpeg.

Now, That's the Way to Finance the War

Former former President of Spain, Jose Maria Aznar, paid $2 million to a US public relations firm to help improve his image in the US, and to get presented with the Congressional Gold Medal. Well, he got the medal all right, Representatives Jim Gibbons and Sylvestre Reyes sponsored a proposal to give him the medal, and it was approved. The only problem is that the money went to the PR firm and not to the US government. Let's try putting one on Ebay, and see if we can help finance this war in Iraq.

I Didn't Know Fucking Was an Olympic Event

Durex, the condom manufacturer, has provided 130K condoms to the athletes at the Olympic Games. That comes out to 13 per athlete. Last time in Sydney they gave the athletes 50K, but they ran out, and had to ask for 20K more. And I thought athletes were supposed to refrain from sex, so they wouldn't lose their energy.

Don't Put a Lot of Suds on Mine

Some youngsters in Sweden got sick while attending a pop festival from consuming some alcohol laden soap. There was some soap in the rest rooms with 62% alcohol content that they mixed in their otherwise non-alcoholic drinks. Don't try this at home.

Britney Does Bollywood

Can it be true? After her Hollywood flop "Crossroads", she's going to Bollywood? Not only that she's gonna play a lesbian in an Indian movie. A movie opened last month in India about lesbians and it was not well received. In fact, I believe Hindu fundamentalists burned down the theater where it was showing in one town. I don't remember anyone burning down a theater for showing "Crossroads," but maybe they should have. Burn, baby, burn.

Those "I" Countries Are All the Same

The 911 Commission investigation the attacks of that day will report next week that Al-Qaeda had more contacts with Iran than with Iraq. But, don't blame the administration, because those countries over there all look the same.

So, What Was He Supposed to Be Cutting?
 
A doctor in Bucharest has cut off a patient's penis during surgery, and furthermore, cut it intothree pieces.

Let's Have a Good Cry
 
There's a new bar in China called the Cry Bar that let's you cry in peace. They even offer onions and peppermint oil to help get you started.

Oh Those Wily Americans!

Now this is an interesting take on things! Supreme Leader Ayatollah Kamenei of Iran blames the beheading of hostages in Iraq on American and Israeli secret services. He says he doesn't believe that the people who killed those foreigners were Muslims. You'll notice that quite a few posts back (like two months ago or more) I wondered why Al Zarqawi would claim credit for beheading Nick Berg, but cover his face up while doing it. As a matter of fact, none of the videos shows anyone's face except the victim's. But, they then claim credit on a website. Hmmm...I can't figure it out. The Ayatollah just might be on the right track here. Of course, he might not be too.

Notes from the Underworld

And I don't mean the Mafia. Now you can travel inside a buried coffin. Not the most exciting website, I must say.

We Come From Quebec

A French-speaking (?) seeing eye dog from Montreal is preventing his owner from being accepted into an intensive English course at a university in New Brunswick. The owner had to sign a pledge to give his dog commands in English. The problem is that the dog doesn't understand commands in any language except French, and to try to make it bi-lingual (?) is too late. Can't teach an old dog new language tricks.

Republican Jesus

Yes, friends, he has made his Second Coming and this time He's gonna do the crucifyin'! Don't say I didn't warn you.

How Many Jihadis Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

It takes six. Three to hold the assault rifles, one to shoot a really bad video, one to post it online, and one to behead the bulb.

And Now from the Man Bites Dog Category...

A woman in Iran has given birth to a frog. No, really. At least that's what they claim. Not only that, but the frog has "human" characteristics.

Head Up Your Ass?

According to a new study about Non-steriodal pain relievers and lower cancer rates, similar cells in the colon and brain show lower rates of cancer in people who take NSAIDs. Brain cells and colon cells are a lot alike? Hmmm....

Um, Would That Be John Kerry?

Ron Reagan, yes that Ron Regan, says he'll vote for whoever can beat Bush.

�Viva El Rey!

El Rey de Espa�a hizo un gesto ins�lito a un grupo de detractores. �Carajo! Esa clase de rey es la que necesitamos los estadounidenses. Perd�n, se me olvid� que ya es la clase de presidente que tenemos.

Okay, That Explains Lenin, but Not Stalin

Researchers have announced that Vladimir Lenin suffered from syphillis. That's what they have been calling his "strokes." In that case Stalin must have had rabies.

Them Saudis Don't Fuck Around

They've already killed 3 suspects after the beheading of Paul Johnson. If they were that quick why couldn't they have gotten there a little quicker?

Esther

Funny how the lady has had two names from the Bible. I wonder how the original Esther would feel about this.

How Would You Like That for an Epitaph?

"He was a brave man," said Noor. "His last words were 'Allahu Akbar'."

Oh Those Brits

Big Brother on British TV got out of hand last nite. Evidently there was a plate throwing, bottle breaking, furniture hurling brawl in the house. In fact, security had to be called in to restore order. The police and Scotland Yard have opened an investigation. Now, that's reality TV!

Again Already?

Yes, I'm on vacation again. And I will be next month too. See, after some 20 years working for the same people, you accrue vacation time so fast that it's actually hard to use it all! Oh, poor me!

It's Not Just Hollywood

Bollywood is also causing an uproar, or rather the religious fundamentalists are. A new movie Girlfriend is causing quite a stir. Even riots!

I Hope They're Right

Researchers says that being bilingual keeps the brain flexible, and younger. It supposedly helps prevent age related slow down of thinking. I'm gonna need all the help I can get.

Hmmm...This Sounds Familiar

Oh what a circus!
Oh what a show!
Argentina has gone to town
Over the death of an actress called Eva Peron
We've all gone crazy
Mourning all day and mourning all night
Falling over ourselves to get all
Of the misery right
Oh what an exit! That's how to go!
When they're ringing your curtain down
Demand to be buried like Eva Peron

You Call That Mourning?

The Governor of Texas has declared Friday a Day of Mourning, except that State Agencies will stay open with a skeleton staff. No, we don't dig up bodies at the graveyard, we have just a minimum number of staff working that day. But, I tell ya, I just can't believe that they are going to disrespect that great man, Ronnie Raygun, and just give him a skeleton day of mourning! I mean they gave Nixon the full thing! C'mon is that really mourning? NO! We're saying to dear ol' Ronnie, "Well, we really wanted to honor you, but, ya see there's these other obligations we have. Yeah, Dick got a whole day of mourning. But, I'm sure you'll understand (like he could understand anything with Alzheimer's), Ron, that just like you we're conservatives. We want the business of business to flow uninterrupted. Just think of it like when you so courageously fired the air traffic controllers, it didn't stop everything completely, it just slowed it down a little. Well, this is kind of like that. We want to honor you, make no mistake, but like you show business types always say, 'The Show Must Go On!' So, hey, you"re getting a skeleton day of mourning, Bob Hope didn't get that much!"

Sort of Like Evita

There's a line from one of the songs in the musical Evita in which Che says, "falling all over ourselves to get the misery right." While were getting the misery right, let's not forget Iran/Contra, Beirut, Granada, Libya Attack, Arms for Hostages, Ketchup as a Vegetable...

Bush Goin' Bonkers?

Looks like he's goin' the way of Nixon. Gettin' a little shaky is he? Just ask his staff.

Bumpersticker

I was sitting in traffic the other day, and saw a bumpersticker with lots of writing on it. My lane of traffic was moving and the lane with the bumbersticker was stopped. As I creeped past, it saw that it said, "Bill Clinton is no longer the holder of the title of Worst President in American History." I didn't know he was the previous holder of that title, but I must say I agree that he's been beat!

I'm Pretty Far Down the Rankings in That Case

Who ranks as the highest?
One who does not harm anything.
One who never retaliates.
One who is always at peace regardless
of the other person's disposition.
- Buddha

It Arrived Right On Time

Every year for at least the last 20 years and probably longer than that the temperature in May starts out pleasant, but by Memorial Day it's unbearable. Yesterday, was Memorial Day, and I hear that it reached 100 degrees F. (38 C) officially in Austin. You can always count on Memorial Day itself being viciously hot. Today is just as hot! God help us!

What Two Countries Have the Largest Number of Spanish Speakers?

This was surprising, it's Mexico #1 with 95 million speakers, and the United States #2 with 46 million. We have even more Spanish speakers than Spain!

So THAT'S Why...

The CDC has announced that teens are screwing less and eating more. Hmmm...is that why newly-weds almost always start getting fat right after the wedding ceremony?

Maybe He Should Worry About His Priests First

The Pope is worried about American society's "soulless vision of life." How about the vision of his pedophile priests that they protected for so long? Wake up, old man, the world is steaming right on by.

What's with these One-Eyed Mullahs?

The British police arrested Abu Hamza today due to an American request. We're going to try to extradite him. Abu Hamza has only one good eye. Then there's that Mullah Omar of Taliban fame who is known as the One-Eyed Mulla. Then what about that cleric, Sheikh Abdul Omar Rahman, we have in prison in New York who was behind the first WTC bombing? That fucker's completely blind! He doesn't even have one eye. Is there some subtle metaphysical hint here that these guys are symbolically fucking blind? I would say open your eyes to them, but that wouldn't help.

Now They Tell Us!

Not only did we get sucker punched by the Iraqis, now it looks like we got bamboozled by the Iranians. Things are never what they seem!

18,000 Strong and Still Growing!

According to the International Institute of Strategic Studies, Al Qaeda has 18,000 members around the world, and their recruitment has grown due to the war in Iraq. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot! George, how are you still walking with so many bullets in your feet?

Please, Please, Go Help Someone Else!

We have helped the Iraqis to over 5500 dead since Bush declared "Mission Accomplished." Don't you feel good to be such a help to the Iraqi people?

Now, The Conspiracy Theory Gets Even Better! Bring 'em On!

Aztlan.net has even more info on the Nick Berg video. It's just a way to deflect attention away from Abu Ghraib. God bless the Internet! The conspiracy theories can travel a the speed of light now.

New Guinness Record!

Most nude riders on a roller coaster. Bring 'em on!

Who Ranks the Highest?

Who ranks as the highest?
One who does not harm anything.
One who never retaliates.
One who is always at peace regardless
of the other person's disposition.
- Buddha

It Took a Month to Admit It, but Better Late than Never

Barbara Ehrenreich finally said what I've been waiting for a woman to say.

Ahmad Chalabi - Fallen from Favor

This guy takes us on a wild goose chase that we paid heavily for, he admits that he was just leading us on, and we still supported him to the tune of over $300K per month. It wasn't until just last month that we cut the guy off from the trough. What the hell is or was going on here? He fed the Pentagon false intelligence about Saddam's WMD just to get us to establish him as the leader of Iraq. We fly him in just after the war started, only to find out the guy has no backing among the people. The fact that he hadn't lived in Iraq for 40+ years wasn't a clue? So, now finally he's fallen from favor. The people in the Bush administration were so dead set on going to war that they just ate up everything he told them. Kind of like getting screwed by a used car salesman, and going back to do business with him some more.

Not Enough Blood

Yesterday, I read a post on Aztlan.net that the Berg beheading was a fraud. According to a MD in Mexico, there wasn't enough blood in the video to indicate that Berg had been alive when it happened. I watched the video, and I did notice something out of place. The screams of the victim were not in sync with the video. In fact, the sound of the screams starts when the "killer" pulls the knife out of his shirt. Except, Berg doesn't change expression. I had put it down to being a very cheap video, etc. But, like the doctor says, if he was already dead, then he wouldn't spurt blood all over the place. So, I have to say that perhaps he was already dead, and they just had him propped up there to look like he was alive. The video shows him telling about his family, but it's clearly video from a different time. Things are not what they seem...still.

Rummy Said It's Okay

So, there's a new article out from Seymour Hersch that says Rummy approved the "less restrictive" interrogation techniques developed for Guantanamo for use in Abu Ghraib. See, I told he was on his way out!

Mistake

Yesterday, I made the mistake of viewing the Nick Berg beheading video. I found out it was available on a website. I wanted to see it, but after I saw it, I was sick at my stomach. I stayed that way for the rest of the day. One thing about though, it makes you realize what we humans are capable of.

Food for Not Thought

It is better to see God in everything than to try and figure it out.

-Neem Karoli Baba

I Support [fill in the blank] 110%

Does the statement, "I support Tom Eagleton 110%," ring any bells? It does to me. That's what George McGovern said about his Vice-Presidential running mate just before he dumped him. Yesterday, Bush said to Rumsfeld, "You're doing a superb job." That's a sure sign that Rummy is on his way out.

Original Mothers' Day

The first Mothers' Day was actually a protest against war. It was really about mothers raising their kids not to participate in war. What happened?

Murder & Rape

Unnamed military sources who've seen the photos and videos that Rumsfeld referred to say that they include images of murder and rape. Now, this makes you wonder just where did these soldiers learn how to do that? Some of them are prison guards in their civilian life. But, that leaves some who are just regular people. War not only kills inocent people, it also cripples those that survive it.

The Higher You Go the Further You Have to Fall

Bush and Rumsfeld must really be squirmin' these days. They make all these claims about how we're battling evil, how we're the noble ones, and then out come those undeniable torture photos. But, it's not like they didn't set themselves up for it. Bush thinks he's been annointed by God to rid the world of evil, and he turns out to be one of the worst offenders. Rumsfeld even told the senators that there are videos and more photos that are yet to come out. He said, "There are a lot more photographs and videos that exist. If these are released to the public, obviously it's going to make matters worse." It's an awfully long way down from way up there.

Would You Like Glass Shards with That?

I was struggling to get out of the truck this morning, because my parking "neighbor" was too close to the line, and I dropped Nana's thermos and it broke. So, I couldn't have my coffee this morning at work. I cursed very loudly when it happened, and opened my door real hard so it would put a mark on my neighbor's SUV. Yes, SUV, what else? I had to go over to the Capitol Grill to get some coffee, but even though it's good it's not mine.

Well, THAT Is Awfully Nice of You

The new US chief of prisons in Iraq, Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller, has anounced a policy banning the use of hoods on prisoners. "I believe [the hood] sends a message we do not want to send to the civilian population," he said today. Now, isn't that special? Oh, the hoods were alright until some pictures of them got on CBS and then the internet. They were in use from the beginning until just today, and that's not the message we want to send. Give me a fucking break! How arrogant, what else are we going to decide is not the message we want to send? Uh, maybe illegally invading another country, and killing over 10,000 civilians?

Now, The Real Fire Drill

Last week we had a fire on the 5th floor which was confined to a file room, but we all evacuated the building thinking it was a drill. We had been told there would be a fire drill soon, so we thought that was it. Now, today we have the real (?) fire drill. We all exited the building in a very orderly manner, because just last week we sort of practiced. One hint that it was a drill was there the lobby was full of firefighters when we came down from one floor up. The Fire Department is fast, but not that fast. Like in many places the firefighters are also EMTs, so I figured they were there in case one of us overweight, underactive, bloated government employees passed out in the stairs on the way down. Just imagine trying to evacuate a building full of bureaucrats! Bring out the oxygen mask, Reginald.

50 +1 Ways to Leave Your Lover

"Get out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan"

Send an SMS, Jess.

Virtual breaking up is hard (easy?) to do.

That's a Pretty Good Idea

Some 8th grade students in the Chicago area gave away laxative laced brownies to classmates. They got in trouble, too. But, that got me to thinking, what about doing that around here? First, there's no doubt that they would be eaten. Second, some of the "victims" would probably be grateful.

They Can Use the Money We Gave Them

The families of the Pakistanis killed in the fake terrorist attack are suing the Macedonian Government. Let's see, the Macedonians did this to raise their stature with the US as a partner in the "War on Terror" in order to get more money. So, maybe they can used the extra money we gave them to pay off the families. What tangled webs we weave...

Now, That's Certainly a New Take on the Problem

Macedonia, one of our allies in the "Coalition of the Willing", has been faking terrorist attacks. I guess they don't have enough of their own, and they needed to make some up.

A Sad Day Indeed!

Word has come out that one third of the actors in the adult film industry had tested positive for HIV. The story just broke two weeks ago when one actor, Darren James, tested positive. Now it is positively an epidemic! Some say that now the industry will have to require actors to use condoms. Directors have refused to do that in the past because "viewers were not favorable." Well, it looks like we're going to have to suffer condoms with our porn. A sad day indeed!

We Have Been Sucker Punched

Baghdad fell too easily. The Special Republican Guards offered almost no resistance. Not even soldiers in the bases near Tikrit when CNN arrived ahead of US troops. Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld, et al thought we had just scared them off. They thought the Shock and Awe had just been overwhelming. Turns out the Iraqi Generals had a plan all along. That's one thing the Neo-cons forgot - things in the Middle East are never what they appear to be. As salaam aleykum, baby.

Cheap in More Than One Way

Last night at dinner Nana was telling me how she went to Wal-Mart to get her hair cut and that they had corn on the cob on sale. They were 4 for a dollar. We were eating them and she kept talking about how corn is cheap when it first comes in. They used to by it at Skaggs for 10 for a dollar, or something like that. Finally, I asked her, "How many did you buy?" "Four." "Four? They were so cheap that you only got four?" "Yes, that's all we ever get is four." "No, it isn't. Jean usually gets more than four. Wow, they were so cheap you got a dollar's worth! Did the checkout clerk ask you why you bothered?" I'm laughing hard by now. "No, she didn't." "Did you buy anything else?" "Yes, I got some milk and some cookies." "I'll bet you bought more than just four cookies." "No, I bought four." "You bought four cookies?" "Yeah, four packages." "Yeah, that's what I thought, you bought more than four cookies." I'm still laughing really hard. "'I'll bet you said, 'Wow, that corn is so cheap, I'll buy a dollar's worth." "Well, yes, it was cheap." "It sure was! It was cheap alright." "Cheap in both ways, wasn't it?" "Yes, cheap in both ways."

This Is Not a Test

About 11:30 this morning at work the fire alarm went off. No one had told us about a fire drill (we usually know about them in advance), so we left the building in an orderly manner. We gathered by the monument to fallen Peace Officers. We all thought it was a surprise fire drill, because we had gotten an email last week saying that everyone must participate in the drills. Evidently, some people weren't actually leaving when we had a drill. I can't imagine that to tell you the truth - a government employee not leaving his or her office when given half a chance? Well, anyway, we go to the Peace Officers Memorial, and I start thinking that we used to go down the street to a nearby park and check in at one of the picnic tables. So, I head off in that direction only to run across a group of people from my office coming back from there. They told me that no one was at the picnic table. I went back to the memorial and was gossiping about someone's promotion or lack of it with a person I know, when they come over to get me, because I need to sign in and be accounted for. Shortly after that we re-enter the building. I learned later that it wasn't a surprise fire drill, it was the real thing. There had been a fire on the 5th floor in a file room. It sure was a nice spring day outside. I wonder what will burn around here.

Who

Who is this that hears,
Who is this that sees,
It's me, you say
Who's that?

Can you find me inside?
Can you find anyone inside?
Are you the same person
You were in high school?

No?
Then who is it that sees,
Who is it that hears,
It's me, you say
Who's that?

No Bread and Wine for You

So, the Vatican declares that Catholic politicians who are pro-choice should not receive communion. What about pedophiles? Can they still get communion?

Food Is a Drug!

Brain scans of subjects who smelled and tasted foods like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, and such had the same reactions as drug addicts when craving drugs. The study says the same brain circuits get activated. Now, for the War on Food! Get ready for interdiction of chocolate from Switzerland, pasta from Italy, and well nothing from England, because their food is so bad.

Ye Shall Be Like Unto A Serpent

Last night Nana was letting the dogs out for the last time before bed, when she saw a snake on our back porch. She came and got me from upstairs. She was scared to death! She was breathing hard and shaking. Anyway, we couldn't find the snake, but the dogs could smell it, and I had to get them to go on out the door. She called to tell me that Papa found the snake on the back porch in the corner where all that junk is by the screen door. She wanted me to know that she wasn't seeing things. I didn't accuse her of seeing things, but she brought it up this morning. She thought that maybe it had just been a "vision." I didn't think it was because the dogs went straight over there smelling all around. If they hadn't done that, then of course I would have thought she was having visions.

Barely Treading Water

I have a deadline looming, that's becoming harder and harder to meet. I made a committment yesterday that I could have something finished by the close of business on Thursday. Now, I find out that what I thought I had left to do was only part of it! Ay que la chingada! Oy vey, and all those other phrases of distress! God help me.

Figment

This morning Papa came out of his room saying that he felt very good, and that he had slept better than he had in a long time. He said he woke up once, having to go to the bathroom, and noticed that there was a woman in his room dancing. She was moving around and casting her shadow on the wall. Nana asked him if she was young (what does that tell ya?), and he said yes. I asked if she had on any clothes (what does that tell ya?), and he said yes she had on some orange kind of pants. He said he just got up and walked right by her on his way to the bathroom, and just ignored her. When he came back, she was gone. I told him that she probably got mad and left because he was ignoring her, he said, "Yeah, she probably did." He said he had taken a pain pill and figured that's why he had that dream. Hmmm...he's got some Vicodin...

Spring Fever or Something More?

Ever since spring started I've been thinking more and more often about leaving this line of work, or leaving work altogether. Now, that could be because it's spring fever. But, my experience in past years is different. This time I've been thinking a lot about retiring. It just has a different feel this time. I can't exactly retire and draw my pension yet, but...oh well.

Rain Falls on All

Yes, it does. Like Jesus said, it falls on the just and the unjust alike. I hope it's doing some good.

Jesus Said...

Verily, I say unto you
The people were not created
For the country
The country was created
For the people

For those with ears to hear
The corporation was not created
For the CEO
Nay, the corporation was created
For the customer

For those with eyes to see
Upside-down is passing
For right side up
Inside-out is cheered
As right side out

Stumbling Block

Walk slowly, walk carefully
The road is littered with mines
They will surely find your footfall
You can't avoid it
Walk you must, walk you must

When you plant your weight
On the detonator you will be
Shocked, surprised, unbelieving
Not because you didn't know
It would happen

You won't understand
Why now, why here?
What made this time and place
So explosive, so painful
So unexpectedly?

Don't Say That

Is it ok to say
That you're angry
That you're frustrated
That you're tired?
Is it ok to express
In words you really feel
What it's like inside?

My experience says no
My feelings say yes
My gut is just an
Agnostic
What next?

Secret Budget and It's Still Not Enough

According to George Tenet the CIA needs 5 years to become "the kind of clandestine service that the US requires." What the hell have they been doing since '93 when the first WTC bombing took place?

They're at It Again!

A couple of months ago my mother was going to have surgery, then wasn't, then was, and so on. Well, now it's my dad, code name "Papa". His doctor told him he wanted him to have a pacemaker. The doctor told him this a week or so ago. Papa thought they were just discussing it and that it might happen sometime in May. Then last week the doctor's office called to tell him that he had surgery scheduled for Thursday April 15. He said, "I must have told them to go ahead." I don't think he has a clue. Well, he wasn't sure he even wanted to go thru this, because, after all, he's almost 85. So, he called the doctor last week, and told them he didn't want to do it. Okay, all is well. The doctor's office calls back and says the doctor wants to talk to him about it, and scheduled an appointment for yesterday. I'm thinking that after their talk, they'll just monitor him and wait on the surgery. Well, right in the middle of it all, he decides he'll just go ahead and do it. He calls the doctor, and tells them he'll go thru with it after all. They say okay, the time slot is still open for Thursday, so he takes it. I get home last night (not feeling well) and find out that he's gone ahead and set this up again! I wasn't included in all this, so I'm not sure I'm even needed to be there.

Just put them in a fucking nursing home, if this ever comes up for you (except for y'all, Jennifer and Kirsten)! This is worse than having 3 year olds, because no one will take action based on the word of a 3 year old alone. But, let me tell you, they'll sure do it on the word of an 80 year old, even tho they are no more reliable than 3 year olds!

Well, That Explains It!

Cannabis use linked to early-onset schizophrenia.

A Theology for Our Times

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping are here to save your soul (and money)! Hallelujah, Glory Be, Reverend Billy pray for me!

Rock & Roll!

It was 50 years ago today that Bill Haley played "Rock Around the Clock" which began the age of rock 'n roll. Oh yeah!

Plane Over Crawford?

The Austin American Statesman reported today that a small airplane got too close to the President's ranch on Friday, and caused fighter jets to be scrambled. The plane landed in San Marcos, and the people on it were questioned. I live south of Crawford by about 75 or 100 miles. My parents were at home yesterday when they heard a loud noise that they thought was an airplane or a low flying helicopter. It turns out that it was the fighter jets chasing the small plane.

Winner by 83%?

Abdellaziz Buteflika has been re-elected President of Algeria by a margin of 83%. C'mon man, make it look at least a little real! Even George Bush knew to steal an election and get away with it, you have to make it look like there was real opposition. This will never fly. Look for some more Jihad.

Where's the Door?

Ignorant of their ignorance, yet wise
In their own esteem, these deluded men,
Proud of their vain learning go round and round
Like the blind led by the blind. Far beyond
Their eyes, hypnotized by the world of sense,
Opens the way to immortality.
"I am my body; when my body dies,
I die." Living in this superstition
They fall life after life under my sway.

-Katha Upanishad

Me and Stevie going round and round.

We Will Have No Blood on Our Hands

Some call Barcelona the "Peace Capital of the World." Now, there's another reason to do so: Barcelona has banned bullfights. "We are not stinking Castillians, we are Catalans!" Away with your foreign customs!

Tattoos Are Out

Now you can get eye implants of silver, gold or other precious metals. No more having your blue eyes turn gray, or your brown eyes turn hazel. It's available in the Netherlands, where else?

Ken Lay Comes Clean

There's a rumor going around that Ken Lay, former CEO of Enron, has decided to turn himself in to Federal authorities and plead guilty to embezzlement, securities fraud, money laundering, and even mail fraud. It seems he attended a screening of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" and was overcome with a desire to repent. Oh, if only it's not a rumor!

Not Exactly An Endorsement of Capital Punishment

All tremble at the rod,
all are fearful of death.
Drawing the parallel to yourself,
neither kill nor get others to kill.

-Dhammapada, 10

But, here in Texas we don't really kill people, we just help them out with their insomnia problem.

Just in Time for Easter

Engineers in Andalucia have developed a robotic arm of Christ for a statue in Malaga that will perform "blesses better." Who said science and religion can't mix?

Peter Was Right

"Speaking paradoxically we may say that incompetence, having been standardized, has now become an essential part of professional excellence. We have no longer incompetent professionals, we have professionalized incompetence." -Feyearabend

They Have a Pill for That Now

Princess Diana made a video before her death saying that the Prince is (or at least was) impotent. And he wanted to be a tampon in Camilla Parker Bowles' cunt? Maybe that's the only way he could get in there.

Now, That's What I Call a Protest!

It seems that a homeless couple in Stockholm decided to have sex in public since they had no where else to go. They went to the city center, put a double bed there, and proceded to fuck out in the open. I'll bet that was quite a show. Leave it to those Swedes!

Okay, I Did Resign...

But, I didn't know you were going to take me to the fucking Central African Republic! What kind of exile is THAT? If it had been like last time, you know Venezuela then Washington, I might not be so pissed. You found the only country in the world that might actually be poorer than Haiti to take me to! C'mon, you think I'm crazy? Hey, even Cedros got Panama for God's sake! Baby Doc? He gets France, and what do I get?...Bangui in the Central African Fucking Republic!

He's Not the First to Do It...

But, he is the first President to do it. It seems that Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, called George W. a pendejo! Awright, Hugo! Tell it like is is!

Uh, I'm Afraid It Already Is

"We just want the president to synchronize his conscience with his conduct," Representative Elijah E. Cummings said. Well, if you ask me, his conduct is perfectly aligned with his conscience. No contradictions there!

So You Wanna Be an Air Traffic Controller?

Think again. The air traffic controller on duty when two planes collided in the air near the German-Swiss border was killed by an attacker who figured out who he was.

The Stinking French Have Banned the Hijab...

Let's attack the Americans! What? It's the FRENCH, Ayman, not us! We didn't ban the fucking hijab! In fact, people wear them all over the place, along with crosses, and Stars of David. We have something called Freedom of Religion, you stupid cocksucker! You wouldn't know freedom of religion from your shit-stained underwear. Give me a break, and get back in your cave with all those other backward mother-fuckers!

Look Who's Gay!

I heard over the weekend that the Governor's wife, Anita, has moved out of the Governor's Mansion, because she is seeking a divorce. It seems she caught him in bed with a male intern. There's a different story that says it was the Secretary of State, but either way, the Governor who is so pro family, so anti-gay, got caught fucking a man! It's just not okay to be gay in Texas.

Camelot in Texas?

Yes, at least Avalon in Texas. We stayed at a bed and breakfast called Castle Avalon. It is built in the form of a castle and has all the appropriate decorations. It's a little difficult to tell if it's serious or kitsch. Either way, it was fun!

El Verdadero Triangulo de Bermuda?

"En Europa el primer brote de s�filis, conocida en Espa�a como "mal franc�s", en Italia como "mal espa�ol" y en Francia como "mal napolitano", se dio en 1493, cuando Cristobal Col�n volvi� de su primer viaje a Am�rica y durante los siglos XV y XVI caus� miles de muertos."

In Europe the first outbreak of syphlis, known in Spain as "french disease", en Italy as "Spanish disease" and in France as "Neapolitan disease", came about in 1493, when Christopher Columbus returned from his first voyage to America and during the XV and XVI centuries caused thousands of deaths.

Wasn't He in the KGB?

Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, used to be the top man at the KGB. One of Putin's challengers in the Russian Presidential election coming up this spring has suddenly disappeared after a running a full-page add in the newspaper criticizing Putin. Coincidence?

Quotation

"One of my discarded pubic hairs has more talent that Kid Rock." - Marcos Arroyos

All Because of a Tit and a Shield

Gimme a break! We're gonna have a 5 minute delay in live broadcasts just because of a tit? What would have happened with two tits? Ten minute delay? C'mon!

0.2 or 2.0?

Some guy in Europe has named his son John Cusak 2.0. Wouldn't you know it, he's an engineer.

Travelog (finale)

Day Five - Thursday January 22

Barbados

It was about noon on Thursday when we pulled into the port at Bridgetown, Barbados. I didn�t know, but almost everyone else on the ship did, that the Queen Mary 2 was in port at Bridgetown. We sailed in and everyone ran to the top deck to shoot photos. We took a few, but it seemed kind of silly taking pictures of a cruise ship from another cruise ship. We docked right at the port, because the Queen Mary was where we would normally dock. Actually that made it better for us, because the people on the Queen Mary had to take shuttle busses into the terminal, and we only had to walk. We had signed up for another bus tour, so we went into the terminal. I was quite impressed with the terminal. It was really a shopping mall, I don�t think there was really any official purpose to it, unless of course, the official purpose is shopping. I mean there wasn�t a Customs office or anyone to check passports or anything like that. Barbados is an independent country, so I expected something official like at least a stamp on my passport or something. Nothing!

We boarded our tours bus, and found the seats to be made for munchkins. The only way two people could sit on one of those seats would be for the one by the aisle to hang one butt cheek over the edge of the seat. So, there was room for like three American-size butt cheeks. And, to tell you the truth, the Barbadians didn�t look any smaller than us, so I�m not sure who the bus was built for, but it wasn�t us. Our driver was named Tyrone, and he explained that they were a former British colony and so they drive on the right side of the road. He drove us out of Bridgetown through large fields of sugar cane. Evidently, Barbados relies on sugar and rum exports for its economy...well, and tourism. Anyway, we were passing these rows of very tall, very beautiful palm trees. Tyrone said, �These palm trees are called Royal Palms. They are very pretty, and look like they would be very productive, but they are good for nothin�.� I thought that was kind of funny, because I thought he was remarking on the uselessness of royalty. But, no one else laughed. Then, he said it again, and asked, �Do you get what I mean?� I was right, he was disparaging the royals! Good for him! He also pointed out some very unusual looking trees. They were completely bare with branches that look sort of like spaghetti that�s dried after it was cooked. They were the frangipani tree. The blooms from the tree are used to make a perfume. Of course, we had to buy some, well we actually bought frangipani cologne.

We stopped at an old plantation house to look around. It was full of antiques and old horse buggies. Not much to see, really, but at least I got to get off of my right butt cheek for a few minutes. Next, we went to a church in Saint John�s parish. The church wasn�t that spectacular, but the view from the church sure was! It was up on a hill overlooking a little neighborhood nestled on an inlet with a beautiful white beach facing the Atlantic Ocean. The temperature was perfect in the shade of the tall trees, we could have stayed there much longer in my opinion. Besides, I got to exercise my right butt cheek again.

We then went to an old lookout on one of the highest points on the island. It was built by Scots fusiliers, whatever that is. Anyway, the view was spectacular again! You could see the island from the south end to the north end all along the western coast.

On the way back to Bridgetown, Tyrone told us that there are a lot of churches in Barbados, and that you can start your own if you want to. Just buy a Bible, a hallelujah, and a tambourine. He�s right there were a lot of small churches with strange names. Traffic was heavy, and he explained that the main reason for traffic accidents in Barbados is tourists driving on the wrong side of the road.

I was very impressed with Barbados. It looked like more than just a tourist stop, it�s a place that someone could actually live.

We returned to the terminal, where the Goddess accomplished HER mission. That was to get a free charm for the free bracelet she had picked up back on Saint Martin. See, the same company has stores on several of the islands. If you get your free bracelet on Saint Martin, they�ll give you a free charm on Barbados for just coming in. Glad we got THAT done!

The ship set sail for Martinique that night at 10:00 pm.

Day Six - Friday January 23

Martinique

We arrived in Martinique sometime before I woke up. We had scheduled a walking tour of the city center of Fort de France. Just as we got off the ship on the dock, it started raining. It was a fairly light rain though, and I was sure it wouldn�t last long. We were waiting under a little tent like thing, when our guide showed up. She was on her cell phone with her boss. It turns out that they canceled our tour due to the rain. I felt they shouldn�t have done that, because i was sure the rain was going to stop soon. But, what do I know? I�m not a Martinecan. Well, we went in with another couple to share a cab to downtown. Before we even got there, the rain had stopped. See? I knew what I was talking about!

We got out of the cab at a sort of outdoor tourist market. Hmmm...the taxi driver must have been in cahoots with the Goddess. Anyway, the two women headed into the market, and the other man and I stood nearby chatting. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that two men were sitting at the base of a statue smoking something that they were sharing. One of the men was laughing uncontrollably. I mean he was making a lot of noise and certainly not trying to be discreet. I kept looking at them, so the man who wasn�t laughing got up and walked away. The laughing man kept looking at us, and I began to feel he was laughing at us. Maybe we looked funny, but honestly, we didn�t look any different than 5000 other tourists. The Goddess came back to show me what she had bought, and we started walking to another group of tents, when the laughing man started following us. Then he abruptly turned and walked away. I snapped his photo. I�ll include it in the ones I post.

After we bought a few more items, the Goddess and I began walking around downtown. It looks very much like any other town in France. By the way, we were in France. Martinique is a departement of France. That�s like being a state of the US. So, if you�re in Martinique, you�re in France just as much as you�re in the US, if you�re in Hawaii. We made our way back around to near where we got out of the taxi. There was a large park nearby, so we started walking through it. Two young men came walking down a sidewalk perpendicular to the one we were on. I noticed that they both had on black T-shirts. One shirt had a drawing of Tupac Shakur with the words �Thug Life� in big letters. The other one had a large drawing of a marijuana plant. Not only that, they were sharing a smoke too. As they passed by, I detected that familiar smell of marijuana. They didn�t seem to be making any effort to be discreet either. I later found out that there is a lot of drug use in Martinique, but not because the government is so enlightened. It�s because they don�t have very many police. Wow, the Voodoo Nights!

We also discovered something you sure wouldn�t expect to find on a Caribbean island. At least, I didn�t. It was an automated toilet. Yes, automated. I had asked where the toilet was and was directed to these two cylindrical things. They were shaped and colored like a Coors Light can (Bill would have been pleased). I had to get change to use them. The currency there is the Euro (see, I said it was France), so I broke a dollar and the lady gave me 90 cents. One use of the toilet cost 30 cents. Anyway, you put your money in and the door slides open automatically. After you step in, it closes automatically too. Then you used the facilities, and have a place to wash your hands (the water starts running automatically, like the sinks in an airport). The sign said it was an automatic dryer, but I couldn�t get that to work. To exit, you press a lever, and the door opens. After you step out, the door slides closed again, and the toilet undergoes an automatic cleaning and disinfecting. Yes, you can hear water spraying inside and then a sound like it�s drying itself, which it is. While we were waiting for it to clean itself, several other people came up and asked us about it. It was an immediate hit! Everyone wanted to try it. Americans are so easily impressed.

Across the street we saw a museum about the Pre-columbian Caribbean. We went in and it was sort of like every other Pre-columbian museum we�ve been to before. Lots of broken clay pots, jawbones, and sharp rocks.

We took a taxi back to the port, and boarded the ship, because the ship was going to sail at 2:00 pm.

Day Seven - Saturday January 24

All Day at Sea

Upon leaving Martinique, we began our return trip to Miami. It was to take about two and a half days. The Goddess had made appointments for both of us to have a facial and a massage Saturday morning. Yes, a facial for me. At least half of my face is covered with whiskers, so I wondered just what this would be like. It turned out that since I had that much facial hair, I got a bodial. What�s that? Well, it�s a facial over your entire body. The woman doing my facial/massage was from Portugal, and her English was not very good. I asked if she spoke Spanish, and it turned out that she did a little. I have been reading a newspaper website from Rio de Janeiro in Portuguese every day for 3 years or so, and it came in handy. I spoke to her in Spanish, and she spoke to me in Portuguese. We were able to understand each other quite well. Anyway, she put this green facial mask all over me. Well, not ALL over me, if you know what I mean. Then she wrapped me up in what looked like aluminum foil. After a while, I went into the shower, and washed that off. I came back and she put some kind of other stuff on me and wrapped me up in foil again. Then, I went and showered again. That made my third shower for the morning! Then I got the massage. Both processes were for one hour each, so after two hours I was feeling very relaxed. The same was true for the Goddess, except she really got a facial.

Saturday night was another formal night in the dining room. There was only one �Happy Birthday� this time though. Much better.

Every night the ship had a midnight buffet, but we never stayed up for it. But, Saturday night was no regular midnight buffet. It was the gala buffet. It opened at 11:30 pm for pictures. Yes, pictures. Can you imagine? Pictures of a buffet? This wasn�t your regular all you can eat Chinese buffet like down at the neighborhood shopping center, this was an EVENT! Food was carved and shaped and otherwise manipulated into every kind of thing imaginable. There were fish made out of cucumber slices, bouquets made from carved vegetables. Swans from yellow long-neck squash. And the desserts! Oh, wow! Churches made out of sugar, what looked like trees made from hardened chocolate. This buffet we stayed up for. We ate too, even though we weren�t the least bit hungry. Two desserts were had by all.

Day Eight - Sunday January 25

All Day at Sea

The last day at sea was kind of subdued. Everyone knew that it would be over soon, but no one wanted to talk about it. It was like when someone is terminally ill and everyone knows it, but pretends the patient is going to recover. We started packing early, so we wouldn�t have to have any last minute panic. We got everything packed and went to �The Last Supper.� We were sad to see the food come to an end. It had been really spectacular. We made several photos with out waiters dining companions.

Back in the room we watched the Golden Globes. Oh yeah, we had satellite TV from the US. Funny thing though, when the networks would go to local news, we saw the news and weather from Nashville, TN, Erie, PA, of New York City depending on what network we were watching. Why Nashville? For that matter, why Erie? It�s still a mystery. Now, NYC I understand.

We left our packed bags outside the door of our room. Ship staff collected them during the night.

Each night the cabin steward had fashioned animals out of towels. He would roll them up, fold them, stuff them inside one another, and come up with an animal that he would leave on our bed. We got a lamb, a dog, an elephant, a sting ray, a monkey, and some others I can�t remember.

Day Nine - Monday January 26

Debarkation and Miami to Austin

We woke Monday morning in Miami. There were many announcements on the public address system about being patient with the debarkation. Patient was not a problem for me, I didn�t want to leave anyway. The cruise director suggested for everyone to go to the Lido deck, have some breakfast, and wait over a cup of coffee. Fine by me. I figured we would be one of the later people called to debark, because our flight out of Miami wasn�t until 5:45 that afternoon. We were the second group called. We debarked before 11:00 am. When you debark, you leave the ship and walk down several levels of terminal building to a central place where you claim your baggage. Just because you have claimed your baggage doesn�t make anything easier. Just like at the airport, you have to walk a ridiculously long way wrestling with your luggage, huffing, puffing, cussing. We rounded a post and were heading toward the customs officers. As we struggled along, the strap I had over my shoulder to a bag began to slip. It had fallen all the way off and was even more difficult to handle. I stopped to get a new and better grip, when some Carnival employee quickly runs over and tell me, �You can�t stop here! If you want to stop you have to go back over there!� She pointed back to where we had started our luggage wrestling match. Now, this brought about a moment for me! I was innocently trying to get a grip on my bag. There was no need for all that shouting. So, I lost my grip on my patience. I shouted back, �Well, I AM STOPPING!� Then I grabbed my luggage and struggled on to the customs officer. He gave our declaration form a cursory look and waved us on. Next, we huffed and puffed up to a woman who was directing people to the correct bus.

She told us to go to the fourth one for the Miami airport. If we had been able to pick up our bags in baggage claim, and walk straight ahead, we would have been even with the bus we wanted. But, no. We had to weave around in the terminal, dragging, dropping, losing, cussing, etc. We boarded the bus, and waited for the driver to get all the bags loaded. A while later we left for the airport. We arrived at the airport in an area that we could check the bags all the way to Austin. We did, and headed into the airport. Once inside we began our long wait. It was before noon and we weren�t leaving until 5:45.

The Goddess lay down in the floor of gate 16 and went to sleep using a carry-on bag for a pillow. She�s never done that before!

Right across the concourse there was a KLM flight leaving that afternoon for Amsterdam. Oh how I wished we could get on that plane!

Finally, our time came to board our flight, but not until after we had eaten a Whopper and fries at Burger King. What a contrast to the gala buffet! So sad. As we were taxiing to the gate the pilot announced that we would be going to a gate in the new E concourse. He announced it like that was something good. It wasn�t. Our connecting flight for Austin was in concourse C. Again, they let us off the plane as far as we could be from our next gate. Okay, it wasn�t as far as could be, because there were gates farther away, but no many! We arrived in Houston on time, and had about 30 minutes to wait for our flight to Austin. On our long walk to the C concourse, we had to stop and buy a cap for Zach to commemorate the upcoming Super Bowl. As we approached our gate, I saw a tall skinny guy dressed kind of funny walking toward me. He had on a long scarf, and a heavy dark blue wool coat with gold embroidery on it. He was looking down, and seemed to be hiding his face. He had good reason to. It was Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I turned to the Goddess, and said, �That�s Steven Tyler.� �Who?� she asked. �Steven Tyler...Liv Tyler�s father.� She shook her head like that wasn�t registering. �Aerosmith, you know, Steven Tyler!� �Where?� she asked. By the time all that had happened he was 50 yards down the concourse and barely visible. �There, in the weird looking coat.� �Oh.� She was pretty unimpressed. Now, if it had been Toby Keith...

Boarding the flight with us was Marcia Ball, another singer only this one isn�t as famous. We boarded on time, and then began taxiing on a ride that seemed to take forever. I think we must have driven half way to Austin. We wound up taking off about 30 minutes late. The plane pulled up to the gate in Austin at the very fucking end of the concourse. Once again, as far away as could be. Only this time the Austin terminal was completely deserted. We were the only people in the terminal, except for some housekeeping staff. Now, I ask you, was that really necessary? Couldn�t we have pulled into gate 1? It�s not a Continental gate you might answer. Well, what does it matter, the terminal�s DESERTED! So, it ended just as it began - with a �moment.�