Homeland Security Letter

The following letter was provided to me through sources who requested to remain unnamed. Marcos Arroyos cannot verify the authenticity or the truthfulness of this letter. I can only pass it on to my concerned fellow citizens.

August 19, 2004

Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
USA


Dear Lord Furthermore:

One of our many duties at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is the verification of the safety of the American food production system. Toxic biological and/or chemical agents introduced into the food distribution system could wreak havoc with the American way of life. In an effort to secure the nation�s food supply, we have undertaken a wide variety of security measures regarding this important issue. Of course, we cannot publish the exact nature of these measures, but we can divulge some their general aspects.

We conduct routine DNA analysis of food products, and compare those results with several data bases. A recent comparison brought about an unexpected outcome. In fact, the outcome was so unusual that we thought there had been a rupture in the chain of custody of the tested sample. However, we tested the sample again in a different DHS-operated laboratory, and were faced with the same results.

Our test discovered a match between your DNA and a substance found on some feathers retrieved from a poultry processing plant in the Northeastern United States. Additional investigation revealed that the feathers in question came from the anus area of one of the hens processed in that plant. There was trace evidence of chicken blood on the feathers along with what turned out to be seminal fluid. Such a discovery proved to be quite puzzling to us until we had Dr. Henry Lee, a renowned DNA expert, and one of our forensic veterinarians inspect the test results. They hypothesized that someone of North European descent with red hair had engaged in rough sex with the hen.

In an enlightened and sexually liberated environment such as your place of residence this behavior may not cause consternation, but we wish to assure you that the DHS takes a dim view of this kind of aberrant and unnatural sexual practice. It is within our purview as Protectors of the Homeland to take any steps necessary to prevent any and all deviant sexual acts.

Later investigation revealed that the poultry processing plant had placed a job advertisement for a chicken plucker for which many people applied. Only under hypnosis was the staff there able to recall that during testing for the position one applicant insisted on plucking the chicken while it was still alive. This applicant also insisted that he be allowed to pluck his chicken in private in the men�s room. The rest of the story is too raw and unseemly to repeat. Suffice it to say that when male members of the staff later discovered the plucked hen lying unconscious in the sink basin of the men�s room, they joked that the job posting was for a chicken plucker not a chicken fucker.

Lord Furthermore, we regret to inform you that any future travel by you to or through the United States of America is hereby prohibited.

Very truly yours,
Tom Ridge
Director, Department of Homeland Security