I Approved this Message


I come from West Texas right next to Odessa
The place that is really God’s own
My wife’s no contessa, and I must confess-a
That my mind’s not very well honed
I take time to rest, but I do my best
With money that came from a loan

(chorus)
They stole the election and gave it to me
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same
They tell me what’s best, I do the rest
And everything comes out okay


I bought me a ball team we all call the Rangers
After that they went straight to hell
With me at the helm there never was danger
That the Rangers would ever do well
We built a new ball park named, uh…the Ball Park
By then it was time for me to sell

(chorus)

Livin’ in a mansion and bein’ the Governor
Sounded like a whole lot of fun
But one Sunday sermon from my friend the preacher
And Mom sayin’ listen here son
You should be in the White House, not sittin’ in the bleachers
So, I thought, hell, why don’t I run?

(chorus)

I took on the office and the nucular button
Even though I don’t know which wing is west
No more stem cells I said, but all of a sudden
Them Al-Qaida cells put Dick to the test
I was down visitin’ Jeb and absorbed in my readin’
Andy said, “George, we’d better haul ass.”



(chorus)


I put the blame on Saddam the Iraqi
And let his people go on a rampage
War on TV’s better than watchin’ hockey
With me getting’ all of the praise
I always thought I’d look good in Khaki
With the USS Lincoln for a stage



(chorus)

Well, things started going from bad to worse
Our kids gettin’ killed by IEDs
We caught Saddam and a few of the perps
But, Zarkawi's got martyrs in their teens
My approval keeps droppin’ my policies are cursed
Social Security reform's in the deep freeze

(chorus)

Indictments keep coming who’s next to fall?
Why are you givin' me such a hard test?
Congress quit answering whenever I call
It’s hard I tell you, this leading the West
Our allies snub us they quit playing ball
I’m just doin' my best in a bullet-proof vest

Is That a Shoe Phone You're Wearing?


The Aphrodite Project has developed some sandals for sex workers (hookers?) to wear that include a GPS locator, an alarm button, and a liquid crystal screen for sending and receiving emails. It reminds me of Get Smart the TV show from the 60s. Only the shoe phone there was pretty crude by Aphrodite standards.

No Streaking during the World Cup


The Germans are serious about stopping streaking during the upcoming World Cup matches.
If you decide to attend and want to run naked on the field, plan on being fined up to 100,000 euros. This from a country that is providing temporary uh...drive-thru hooker work places for the cities in Germany that will host World Cup games. No streaking, what a disappointment for all those Pakistanis!

Michael Has Left US(A) for Good

Michael Jackson has decided to stay in Bahrain and never return to the good ol' USA. He's going to sell Neverland, and not look back. However, it he did look back and turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife, it wouldn't hurt his looks any.

I Finally Agree with George W.


When asked what his best moment as President was, George W. Bush told a German publication that it was when he caught a 3 kilo carp from a lake on his ranch. He said, "You know, I've had many great moments and it's hard to decide on the best one. I'd say that the best one was when I caught a 3.4 kilo carp from my lake." No, I'm not making that up, just check the link. I've got to say I agree with him.

Yeah, They're Different Alright


A study conducted by the University College of London shows that people with the ability to learn other languages easily have differently structured brains and more "white matter". The part of the brain called Heschl's Area is larger and oriented differently. Tell me about it! Generally, we think that the more "cables" and "connections" in the brain the better. Well, that's true, but if your cable for strawberry ice cream is hooked up to the word for master cylinder in papiamento, what good does it do you? I'm just sayin'.

A Bullet to the Back of the Head Would Have Been Better

Joseph Lewis Clark was to be executed by lethal injection in Ohio, but it didn't happen as planned. Mr. Clark had used drugs so much in his past that the executioners couldn't find a vein strong enough to put the IV in. Witnesses said that the executioners had to try over and over to get the IV in. The entire thing took an hour and a half to carry out, which is much longer than usual. Witnesses said Mr. Clark grimaced, cried, and made guttural noises. Hmmm...don't give us Texans any ideas.

Special Tasting Rum


Construction workers in Szeged, Hungary who were renovating a house discovered a barrel of rum while the were working. They would pour themselves a drink every once in a while. The said the rum had a "special taste" but that was okay. They drank 300 liters of the rum and were preparing to throw the barrel. But, it's not really possible for Hungarians to throw out a barrel until the make sure that it's really empty. They opened it up and oops! There was the body of a dead man inside. The man, who was a Hungarian diplomat, had died some 20 years earlier in Jamaica. Eeeuuww! Just think, drinking an entire barrel full of rum with a 20 year old dead body in it! I'm feeling a little queasy just imagining it.

It turns out that sending a body to Hungary was quite difficult and expensive. The man's wife, who had recently died herself, had him shipped back to Hungary in a rum barrel to save money. Okay, but she just left him there. She didn't bother to bury him.

Prohibida la Fotografia

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, tourists and anyone else for that matter couldn't take photos of police, military personnel or bases, bridges, etc. Well, that was then. In 21st century Germany it is prohibited for journalists to take pictures of prostitutes or their places of business. Huh? Yes, it's all in an effort to keep the hookers safe during the World Cup. See, prostitution is legal there, so they want to have a safe work place. Is sexual harrassment of prostitutes illegal as well?

A New Operatic Low


Don't you wish you had thought of it? Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding have really arrived. Their "problems" have become the subject of an opera. No, not a soap opera, an opera. Abigail Al-Doory, a music student, needed something for her master's and she found it with Tonya and Nancy: The Opera. Al-Doory said that her advisor told her she should make it for a string quartet, but she went for the whole thing. Later she said, "I should have followed the advice, and made it for a string quartet." Uh, how about not doing it all?

Callado y Hablarona

According to British sociologist Dianne Hale a woman says about 23,000 words per day, while a man says about half that many. This carries over into the world of work too. Women bosses tend to use the subjunctive when giving orders like, "The next step would be...", "I would suggest..." Men on the other hand don't understand those things to be orders, and therefore they don't get done. Women do much more nodding and murmuring when listening to confirm understanding than men do.

May Day, 2006

Today is International Workers' Day all over the world. Here in America it's just another day. Somehow, even though this day commemorates a police riot in Chicago's Haymarket Square in 1886 that killed people on both sides. Funny how our Labor Day is the first Monday in September, and there's virtually no mention of May Day at all.

Except this year it's more in line with the rest of the world. Immigrants are staging a work stoppage for this day. I don't know yet the amount of participation, but I expect it to be significant. So, perhaps our immigrants remembered what we've forgotten: That May Day is an American day for workers to demand respect.

Is That a Book of Mormon in Your Pocket?


Or are you just glad to see me? Last weekend my daughter, Kirsten, was in Salt Lake City on business. She and some other people went on a tour of the Mormon Tabernacle. The folks there want to you sign their book with your address and so on, so Kirsten wrote my name and the Goddess's name and our address down. She called later and confessed (or rather laughed) about what she had done.


Earlier this week two young Mormon men came by the house asking for me. My mother, Nana, who's 84 years old and knows that it was a joke, told them that I wasn't home yet. I was still at the acupuncturist. They came back this afternoon, but again I wasn't home and Nana told them that we had gone out to eat. They asked when I would be home and she said later tonight. Now I asked her why she didn't just tell them it was a joke, and she said she wouldn't do that...she'd leave that to me. I asked her if she thought she was doing them any favors, by making them come back so many times. She stuck by her guns.

Well, they just came again, and this time I was here to talk to them.

Mormon 1: Hi Mark? How are you doing?

Me: Fine

Mormon 2: I'm _____ and this is my partner _____.

I shook hands with both of them.

Mormon 1: We heard you were in Salt Lake recently...

Me: No, that wasn't me, it was my daughter.

Mormon 1: Oh you weren't?

Me: No, she told us that she put our name down, but it was a joke.

Mormon 1: A joke?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Well, can we leave you a Book of Mormon?

Me: I already have one. (I bought one about 10 years ago at a used book store for less than a dollar.)

Mormon 1: You do? Have you read it?

Me: No.

Mormon 1: Will you?

Me: Mmmmm, I might.

Mormon 1: Have you heard the message that it tells?

Me: Yeah, I'm familiar with it, but I'm not interested.

Mormon 1: Why not?

Me: I'm a Unitarian.

Mormon 2: What's that?

Me: Well, Unitarian Universalist.

Mormon 1: Yeah, this is the first time I've heard of that. Would you tell us about it?

Me: Well, it started in New England in the Congregational churches. They began to question the Trinity because it wasn't Biblical. So, they got the name Unitarian as opposed to Trinitarian. The Universalists came to America with John Murray who began to preach here. See, Universalist means no one gets condemned forever. Everybody gets in. The two denominations merged in '61.

Mormon 1: So, you believe there is just one (God) made up of lots of parts?

Me: Well, that's the way it started, but now it's a very liberal denomination. There is no creed or doctrine that you have to adhere to. We have Unitarian Universalists Christians, Unitarian Universalist Buddhists, Unitarian Universalist Pagans...it's just believe whatever you want.

Mormon !: Anything you want?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Hmm, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

Me: Uh huh.

Silence.

Mormon 1: Well, Mark, would you come to church with us on Sunday and see what it's about?

Me: No, thanks.

Mormon 1: Okay, well, it's been good meeting you...

Me: Yeah, (extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 1)...good to meet you (speaking to Mormon 2, extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 2)...Be careful.

Mormon 2: (Smile and nod) okay.

So see Kirsten, it's not so hard to talk to them if you just tell them the truth!

Wind Invasion

Last night for the first time in my life I went to an acupuncturist. I have often used acupressure and have used chi to heal myself and so on. After having my shitty reaction to the latest antibiotic, I thought something more Oriental might work.

I went to the Academy of Oriental Medicine at Austin, because it's the end of the month and I'm short of money. The Academy has interns treat patients under the guidance of a doctor, so it charges less than regular acupuncturists. They diagnosed me with a Yin deficiency and a Wind Invasion.

I got a total of nine needles. One on each ankle, just below each knee, on the elbows, each side on my nose, and one just below my belly-button. There's just a little ache type feeling where the needles go in, but that tends to go away.

I got an herbal concoction to make into tea and drink twice a day. So far, so good. I can breathe more easily, but still no smell.

Iatrogenic Rash


I posted before that I've had a sinus infection for a few months now. Well, I've been to an allergist, had a CAT scan, tried antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. The last antibiotic I took was Levaquin. It helped the sinus infection, but didn't knock it out completely. As soon as I finished the 10 days of one pill per day, I had this strange rash come up on my hands and arms. Today is over one week that I've had this rash, and it's itchin' like a motherfucker! My hands and arms look like I have the chickenpox. However, it seems like it's getting better (always the optimist, huh?).

This morning I looked up patient reports on Levaquin, and find out that a skin rash is one of the side effects. Like, really bad skin rash that won't go away. Some people have even had to get treatment for the Levaquin caused skin problems. Iatrogenic is a word used to describe an illness brought on by the treatment of another illness. "What if the cure is worse than the disease?" - Joan Osborne

Da Judge's Code


The judge in the Da Vinci Code lawsuit in London put his own code in the written decision. So far, no one has figured it out. He had some letters in the decision put in cursive instead of typed. If you put the first 10 cursive letters together you get "Smithy Code", but the judge refuses to reveal the entire code. Hmmm...

I Don't Care If You're in a Wheelchair, Don't Talk to Me That Way!


Two police officers in Florida used a stun gun on a woman in a wheelchair. They said she threatened them with a knife. Isn't this the same place that they handcuffed a 6 year-old girl who was acting up in school? To make matters worse the woman died. Here in Texas, we wouldn't allow police to do that...we'd make them use live ammunition!

Can't Someone Just Channel Him for Free?

For only $9.95 you can hear John Lennon's message to the world from beyond the grave. Pay-per-view to hear John's Electronic Voice Phenomenon. Uh...I think I'll wait to read the review. "The dream is over. What can I say? The dream is over, yesterday."

Too Little Too Late

Some 20+ years after the arrival of AIDS in the West, the Vatican has declared that it's okay for AIDS patients to use condoms. But, truly, what else could you expect from a bunch of old mostly white men? What'll they think of next?

Oh What a Brave Statement!

Now that Bushs's approval ratings are in the mid-thirties, Madeleine Albright says that the invasions of Iraq was the greatest blunder in American foreign policy. Oh, how brave!! Why didn't she say that back in February and March of 2003? Where has she been all this time? Is it just now apparent that it's a blunder? No, not at all. It's been that way all along, the Democrats just don't have the guts to challenge the president.



Way back in the '70s there was a movie called Slap Shot starring Paul Newman. It's about a failing minor league hockey team that resorts to constant fighting and violence to overcome a losing record. The owner, who is gay, show up at one of the half times to berate the players. He says, "You're playing like a bunch of pussies!" That's what the present-day Democrats are doing, they're playing like a bunch of pussies. They can't even get up the nerve to censure the president, much less impeach him.

Gotta Love those Danes

Especially those Danish priests. Priests in Sønderjylland want to have more Sundays off. They'd like to have more time to spend with their families. But Bishop Christensen says, "When you become a priest, you know that you will work on Sundays." Duh!

Men Have Headaches Too

From the same edition of Clarín, a growing number of men, yes men, are faking their orgasms. Estimations are about 3% of men fake or have faked orgasms. Think maybe it´s mostly those Spaniards and Austrians?

Austrians and Spaniards?

According to Edward Laumann of the University of California, Austrians and Spaniards report the most sexual satisfaction among 40+ers based on a survey of 27,500 men and women. In all countries except Algeria and Malaysia men reported they were more satisfied than women with sex. Algeria and Malaysia? From the article

El bajo nivel de satisfacción sexual entre las mujeres también se explica por la falta de juegos previos, algo particularmente problemático en Asia y en Medio Oriente, dijo Laumann. "En promedio, (a los hombres) les lleva cuatro minutos eyacular. Las mujeres necesitan 11 minutos. Es por eso que los juegos previos son tan importantes". Y agregó que la mayoría de los hombres afirmaba tener siempre un orgasmo, pero entre las mujeres, la cifra sólo alcanza el 26 por ciento, "aunque 45% de los hombres cree que su pareja siempre tiene un orgasmo".

The low level of satisfaction among women can also be explained by the lack of foreplay, something particularly problematic in Asia and the Middle East, said Laumann. "On average, (among men) it takes four minutes to ejaculate. Women need 11 minutes. That's why foreplay is so important." He added that the majority of men say they always have an orgasm, but among women, that number only reaches 26%, "even though 45% of men believe their partner always have an orgasm."

Spain? I still can't get over it.

Will He Have a Hotplate?


Tom Cruise says he'll eat Katie's placenta after she delivers their baby. Raw? Cooked? The thought is making me nauseous, and I have a strong stomach.

Texas Warming


They say that the whole globe is warming. I have no reason to doubt that, because it sure is warming here in Texas. Yes, today is April 17 and the temperature right now at 7:25 pm is 97F (36C) and the high was 99F (37C). Now, that's just wrong! We're not even one month into spring, and it's already unbearable.

Look Familiar?



Sure looks like a Klan rally to me. But, it's not. It's a Christian ritual carried out in Brazil.

White House Affirms Confidence in Rumsfeld


Just like so many other time, when the President expresses confidence in something, you know the opposite is true. Remember "We're gonna smoke 'em out", "Saddam Hussein has WMD", "There's is no insurgency", "We are making progress in Iraq", "We do not torture", "I don't know Mr. Abramoff", and so on.

Now, they're saying that Rumsfeld has the President's full confidence. He'll be gone by May 1.

Someone Else Dead in Front of TV?

Hard to explain, but a Dutch newspaper website (my previous post) said a 40-year old man was found dead in front of his TV after having been there for three years. The Danish newspaper website BT.dk reports the exact same facts except they say the deceased was a woman. No, I don't think it was two different people. BT.dk also says that neighbors were concerned about her, and went into her apartment to see why she was so behind in her rent. They're just now checking? I think something's rotten in Denmark.

The Neighbors Thought He Was Just Reclusive

British police discovered a 40-year old man dead in his apartment in London back in January. They delayed the announcement until today, because of problems verifying his identity. Okay, so what's unusual about that? Well, they calculate that he died in February of 2003 while sitting in front of his TV set. I thought British TV was actually better than ours. Just imagine how many years earlier he might have died, if he had watched American TV!

Oh, and one other thing...the TV was still on.

Watch Out!


You can't yell "Duck!" around him 'cause he'll pull out a shotgun.

Second Hand Silva

Silva Shahakian, an Iraqi Christian, has accepted the honor of being Miss Iraq in spite of death threats against her predecessor. The Miss Iraq beauty contest held April 9 originally named a different contestant as the winner. Tamar Goregian the first Miss Iraq returned the "crown" four days after being threatened by Islamic militias. The new winner's whereabouts are unknown.


It seems like the militias would appreciate pretty women. I mean just look at some of those pictures of Iraqi women! Not what I'd call centerfold material. I'm just sayin'.

The Bush Doctrine


A song by Randy Newman seems to sum up our President's take on foreign policy. Especially with respect to Iran.


No one likes us
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect
But heaven knows we try.
But all around even our old friends put us down.
Let's drop the big one and see what happens.

We give them money
But are they grateful?
No they're spiteful
And they're hateful.
They don't respect us so let's surprise them;
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them.

Now Asia's crowded
And Europe's too old.
Africa's far too hot,
And Canada's too cold.
And South America stole our name.
Let's drop the big one; there'll be no one left to blame us.

Bridge:
We'll save Australia;
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo.
We'll build an all-American amusement park there;
They've got surfing, too.

Well, boom goes London,
And boom Paris.
More room for you
And more room for me.
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town.
Oh, how peaceful it'll be;
We'll set everybody free;
You'll have Japanese kimonos, baby,
There'll be Italian shoes for me.
They all hate us anyhow,
So let's drop the big one now.
Let's drop the big one now.

All in the Name of World Peace

Porn star Ciccolina has offered herself (carnally) to Osama Bin Laden in the furtherance of world peace. I'm not sure how the two of them could meet up without giving away his location. She sure looks better than those women he's hangin' around with now.

Those German Criminals Sure Are Crafty


Authorities in German prisons confront an unexpected problem. You see, the prisoners are text messaging each other with cell (get it? Jail cell phones.) phones. When it comes to prisoners, I doubt they're asking each other about the weather. Regulations prohibit cell phones in prisons, but they're regularly smuggled into the facilities inside body cavities. Okay, I'm trying to picture that. What if you forgot and left it on, then received a call?

A Brother Blogger

Thanks to one of the Old Europeans (who really are good for more than just being our early warning system for bird flu), I'd like to draw your attention to a brother blogger's site: Al Gathafi. This guy is amazing! He can turn adjectives into verbs, and make letters come out of his nose! Don't believe me?

Kick 'Em When They're Down


Officials of United Russia, the party in power, announced that Lenin's lease on his tomb is up, and his body will have to vacate the premises. I suppose it's kind of an eviction. They say he has two options (well, not him exactly). He can move to a cemetery in either Moscow or St. Petersburg. Or the Communist Party can have his body, and can build a new mausoleum at their own expense. Just proves that old question, "But, what have you done for me lately?"

Correction!

In a post last night I said that Minister Verdonk was minister of education in the Netherlands. That's wrong. She is minister of Alien Affairs and Integration. But, I'm stickin' with my notion that she's using old photos of herself. Well, at least De Telegraaf is.

His Own Daddy's Law

George H. W. Bush (Daddy) worked especially hard to get a law passed that would make it a crime to disclose the identity of any undercover CIA agents. George W. Bush (Son) specifically authorized Lewis Libby to disclose the identity of an undercover CIA agent to the press. I think there's some kind of Oedipal thing going on here.

Let me just say that after the Tom DeLay resignation, I didn't think it could get any better. I was wrong! As our President said himself, "Bring 'em on!"

28 Times in a Week

Hmmm...that comes out to 4 times a day. Whoa! Yes, once again, a female school teacher named Rachel Holt has had sex with one of her young students. This time it's another 13 year old. But, what impresses me is this sentence from the article: "Nach Angaben der Behörden hatte die Lehrerin in der letzten Märzwoche 28 Mal sexuellen Verkehr mit dem Jungen gehabt." It's been a long time since I took German, but I believe this is saying that authorities claim the teacher had sexual relations with the young boy 28 times in the last week of March. Talk about March Madness!

Bee Stings for Nasal Relief


A doctor in China treats sinusitis, which I'm suffering from right now, with bee stings. I haven't reached that point yet, but the longer this goes on the more reasonable it sounds.

10 Best Cities for Vegetarians

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has published a list of the 10 best large cities in the US for vegetarians. Austin comes in at number 8. No, I'm not a vegetarian...at least not yet.

Minister Verdonk Getting Younger

Today
Earlier
Rita Verdonk, Minister of Education in the Netherlands, said in her campaign speech that she is "not left, not right, but straightforward." Well, if you're so straightforward, why is your photo in the newspaper so out of date? Trying to look as young as the competition?

I Think He Just Did

Could This Be Tantric?

I've read from Tantric websites that it's possible for men to have orgasms without ejaculating. I think maybe I just did! What brought that about?

I just read up on Tom DeLay's resignation from Congress! Oh, Oh, ah, ah, uhn, uhn, UHN! It feels so good, I can't describe it! The Bugman takes the gas...the Hammer hits his own dick...the Powerful takes it in the ass! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ha, ha, ha, ha, (sorry I can't stop)...

Root Canal


Last Thursday night the Goddess began to have a toothache. Then on Friday morning the pain had become much worse. She called the dentist and went in to get it taken care of. The dentist said that she should take some antibiotics and come back in a week, then he could take appropriate steps.

Over the weekend the pain just continued to get worse. This morning she called the dentist's office again, and they referred her to an endodontist. Neither of us had heard that term before, but we figured it had something to do with a root canal. Well, it sure does. In fact, the endodontist that she saw does nothing but root canals. Probably not a bad living, but I don't think I'd like the reputation. I drove her to the appointment, because she was feeling so bad, and had taken so much pain medication.

She's still not feeling so good, but she is doing better.

It May Look Like Mexico, It May Sound Like Mexico, but It Ain't Mexico


It's Houston, for God's sake! Authorities on the Houston School Board ordered a Houston high school principal to take a Mexican flag down that he had hoisted up the flag pole in front of the school. It's not like he put it up there by itself. He flew it under the US and Texas flags on the same pole. Not good by Houston Independent School District standards even though the school is 88% hispanic.

Be Like Mike?


Not Michael Jordan, but Mike Tyson. Tyson was set to visit Shanghai to open a new nightclub. He was supposed to be named an honorary citizen of Shanghai too. Ah, but someone looked into his past, and, well, they decided to drop the idea. Hah, I guess they don't watch the E! channel.

Smells Like April Fool's Day


According to the Bergen Tidens a giant iceberg has floated into Bergen a city in Norway. It's allegedly 50 meters long. Stewart Lindstrom with the Iceberg Research Center in New York says, "Completely unique. We've never registered an iceberg of this size so far south. That it would come into such a densly populated city has never happened before." Yeah, and it still hasn't!

Just Trying to Keep It Fresh

Police in Norway stopped a man who was driving erratically, because they suspected he was driving while drunk. It turns out that a man and woman were in the car, and the woman was uh, assisting the driver in producing and delivering a fresh sperm sample to the fertility clinic. The clinic told them that the sample had to be fresh, and they took that seriously.

Prayin' Don't Help


In fact, it just might hurt. So says a study by the John Templeton Foundation. They found that not only did praying not help recovery after heart surgery, of those that knew they were being prayed for, it made 59% have complications. It's like this: "Am I so sick that people are having to pray for me?"

Be Still My Heart!


Ding dong the witch is dead,
Which ol' witch?
The wicked witch
Ding dong the wicked witch is dead

Okay, so he may not be a witch, literally, but he's sure wicked! From the Dallas Morning News website:

A law enforcement official says a former aide to Rep. Tom DeLay has agreed to plead guilty to federal charges in lobbyist fraud investigation. Details to come.

And, that doesn't include the state charges! Send him up the river.

Passed the Test

I took my mother to the urologist today to do a "voiding test." They fill your bladder up with water, wait a little while, then you pee in a container. If you put out the same amount or more than what they put in, you pass. Well, she did. Evidently, her mishap yesterday with the dog fight and the catheter didn't cause any damage. Not bad for an 83 year old woman!

The Only Thing Worse than Her Dialog Are Her Breasts


That's what they're saying about Sharon Stone's new movie Basic Instinct 2. I don't know, I haven't seen it, but the tits must not be too bad, Hugh Hefner is offering her $1,000,000 to pose nude for Playboy.

Damned Unlucky Car

Dutch police stopped the same car Wednesday afternoon for drunk driving three times. You might ask, why did they keep letting the driver go? They didn't. Each time there was a new driver. The first driver was fined, and a passenger took the wheel. The police stopped the second driver and he was cited. Then, just two hours later the police stopped the same car with a third driver. This guy tried to get away on foot, but they caught him and he proved to be drunk too. He also had a suspended driver's license.

Just Wait Until Tomorrow

Okay, the doctor's office called back and I spoke to the nurse. She said that they will want to make sure Nana didn't do any damage, but that it can wait until the appointment she has tomorrow.

Nana says it doesn't hurt, but I don't see how. If you've ever seen a catheter...well, you'd know what I mean. It looks like a long tube with a ping-pong ball on the end. The ball is only slightly smaller than a ping-pong ball. The ball is what goes inside the bladder. So, jerking it out would hurt, I think. But, she says it doesn't.

I Guess Prison Would Be Better

Let's see if I got this straight. You can have porn in prison even if you're a sex offender, but you can't have porn in the military? Could that be right? Say it ain't so.

Ex-Cathedra or Ex-Catheter?

When the Pope speaks Ex-Cathedra it means he speaks with the authority of his office. Ex-cathedra literally means out of-chair, or speaking from his position of authority. That's when what he says is infallible. But, what is it when he speaks Ex-Catheter? I don't know, but we're gonna find out.

My mother just has surgery last week, and she has had a catheter since that time. She's been home since Friday, and we've been taking pains to deal with the catheter - you know keep her from getting an infection.

Well, this morning she accidentally pulled it out. Our two dogs got into a fight over a treat, and Nana went to break it up. Only before she knew it, she was across the room and the catheter which was hanging on her walker on the other side of the room was yanked out. Odd but true. The good thing is she doesn't have any pain. In fact, she says she feels fine.

Anyway, I'm waiting for a call back from her doctor, to see what to do. We try to keep the dull moments to a minimum around here ;-)

You Have the Right to Remain Silent and Read Porn


The Swedish high court ruled that a sex offender who was convicted of aggravated rape has the right to porn magazines in his jail cell. Prison officials had denied him access to his 20 hard core porn magazines. Allowing the prisoner to see porn ran counter the therapy he undergoes in prison. However, he demanded to have his porn, and he took it to court. The court determined that having therapy for sex offenders doesn't preclude him from his porn.

How (Many Times) Do You Say Divorce?


Sohela Ansari heard her husband, Aftab, say the word "talaq" three times in his sleep. According to Islamic law, if a husband utters the word "divorce", which is what talaq means, three times, then he and his wife must separate. The local clerics ordered the couple to separate, because his dream induced muttering constituted Aftab's request for a divorce. If they wish to be married again, they must stay separated 100 days, and Sohela must spend one night with another man and duly divorce him too. Talk about straining out gnats and swallowing camels!

This folks is the 2nd largest religion in the world, and one of the fastest growing in the USA. My question is: What the fuck for?

Put Down that Cancer Stick and Perk Up Your Dick


Australian researchers have concluded that men who some more than a pack of cigarettes per day have a 40% greater chance of suffering erectile dysfunction than those who don't smoke. Those who smoke, but smoke less than a pack per day have a 24% greater chance of having hard-on problems. Hey, what about those men who used to smoke, but have quit? Yeah, what about us!? For that matter, what about chix with dicks?

Ironic


Okay, so you have a "Zombie" party, and it turns into a bloodbath. There is a certain poetic justice in that, dontcha think? Of course, I'm not one to talk, I joke about that kind of thing all the time. When it comes do dyin', the justice is always poetic. I cast my vote for Chucky Cheese.

Look Ma, No Hands

Police in New Zealand stopped a motorist who was driving 121 kmh (72 mph) only to discover that the driver had no arms. The man drove using one foot to steer and one to push on the gas. He was born without arms, and never had gotten a driver's license.

Now, here in Texas, he would have gotten away with it, because the police would never stop someone driving just 2 mph over the speed limit. Now, if it was in the city, well, that's another matter.

You Can Bet It Wasn't a Party at Chucky Cheese


A man woke to the sound of six gunshots just after his alarm clock went off at 7:00 am in Seattle. When he looked out of his peep hole, he saw people stagger out of the rent house across the street. Then, out comes a man with a shotgun. A police officer in the neighborhood also heard the shots, and confronted the man holding the shotgun. The man then turned it on himself and fired.

Okay, now tell me, just what kind of a party is going on at 7:00 am? Uh, not one that started at 6:00 am. Must have been one going on all night. There's a reason Chucky Cheese isn't open 24 hours.

After All He's the President's Son

Charlie Sheen has declared that he doesn't believe the government's version of events on 9/11. Charlie was appearing on Alex Jones' radio show (that should tell you something), when he said that the government's story sounds more like a conspiracy theory than the conspiracy theories. If Charlie says so, then it must be true, because he's the President's son, right?

Whew! At Least It Wasn't in Texas

Once again a headline grabbing murder in an otherwise "Christian" home has taken place. Only for once, it didn't happen in Texas. Man, we needed a break. We've certainly had our share of women that kill all their kids. At least, Mrs. Winkler wasn't confused about God telling her to kill her kids. God was just telling her to kill her hubby. My own theory is that the Reverend Winkler was molesting one (or more) of the daughters.

Isn't it a little odd though that when men do this kind of thing, they usually turn the gun on themselves? What is it about the women that won't let them do that?

Severe Sinus Infection


I finally heard the results from my CAT scan. They say I have a severe sinus infection. I'm to take antibiotics for 3 weeks, and if it's not better, they'll refer me to an ENT specialist. ENT doesn't really mean extra nasal torture, but it might as well from what I hear.

But What Are They Going to Do with Them?

The state of Karnataka in India will pay almost €200 for each baby girl born to families below the poverty line. The idea is to cut down on abortions of female fetuses that is so prevalent there. But, my question is, okay, after they´ve paid that much for them, what are they going to do with them?

La Mujer Que No Puede Olvidar

Scientists at the University of California have found a woman with perfect memory. Not only does she never forget, she can't forget a-ny-thing. How about that? Never forget anything. No, don't think I want that uh..."skill." Thank you very much. Sometimes forgetting is good - very, very good.

Just Because I Can

Symbolic Divorce

That's one way to phrase it. A 40 year old man in Hamburg appeared at a local gas station with his wife's head in his hands. He put the head on the ground and asked the attendent to call the police. He was under the influence of alcohol and drugs at the time of his arrest. He willingly surrendered to police, but later tried to break away and injured two officers in the process. He said that TV and radio had ordered him to kill his wife.

The last sentence of the article says, "Halshugningen skulle være et udtryk for en symbolsk skilsmisse." That means something like "beheading could be an expression of a symbolic divorce." Not in quotes, no attribution, just the journalist's opinion, I guess.

Don't Fuck with Me or I'll Bite Your Tongue Off

Or rather, fuck me and I'll bite your tongue off. Emily Mescher of Celina, Ohio is free on $10,000 bond after being charged with assault for biting her lover's tongue off during a particularly hot sex act. Her uh...boyfriend...Chad Ringo (what a good name) was taken to the hospital in nearby Lima. Doctors there tried to reconstruct 30% of his tongue. The bit off part was never found...yes, they think Emily swallowed it. Chad wants the uh...missing part sewed back on even if it could be retrieved by...um "natural channels."

Muslim Jeans Are Here!


You can now buy gin-u-wine Muslim jeans called Al Quds. They even have a distinct brand marker on the watch pocket in Arabic script no less. They're produced by the Italian firm Udine. Wait! Italian? Uh...I thought that's where the heart of Christendom was. They're buying infidel jeans just because there's some Arabic script on them? By the way, Al Quds means Jerusalem. I smell a conspiracy here.

Augustine About to Blow His Top


Not St. Augustine, but the Alaskan island named Augustine. See, it's a volcano. Just click on the link and be transported to Alaska to watch in real time. By the way, Alaska is -10 hours GMT.

Early Early Retirement?

I have become so frustrated and disgusted at my job that I'm seriously investigating what it would take for me to retire. Yes, retire. I'm just fed up! Now, I may have to be fed up for a while longer, but I won't work one day longer than I have to. God help us all in the meantime.

Duh!



The United Nations ranks Mexico as number 106 out of 120 countries with the worst water quality. Duh!

How About Some Toilet Water Instead?

And I don't mean cologne. Ekstra Bladet, a Danish tabloid, commissioned a test on ice served in restaurants. It turns out that ice served in soft drinks from the restaurants checked had more bacteria that water from their toilets.

Civil War

Former Iraqi premier, Ayad Allawi, said on BBC television today that civil war in Iraq is a fact. Why is that news? Well, because both the British and American defense ministers say that there is no civil war in Iraq. Could this be like that "there is no insurgency" when there really was one about 3 years ago? I'm just sayin'.