Septuagenarians?

Another 70 plusser in the sex news. This time it's a man who has become an "overnight star" of porn movies. He's David Bozdoganov a 75 year old Russian with a strange love of garlic. He swears by garlic's strengthening properties, and demands that it be rubbed on his penis before shooting (pun intended) a scene. The actresses he works with complain the entire time about the smell. Well, I like garlic too, but rub it on my dick?

I Knew It! I Knew It!

Smiling makes you sick. According to German researchers, persons who work in customer service type jobs that require them to look and act friendly have more stress and therefore, get sick more often than those who can be rude. The problem is that if you act happy when you're really not, you can become depressed. They studied a call center in which half of the participants responded to rude and angry callers in like fashion, and the other half responded in a friendly and good humored manner. The results showed that replying in a friendly way when you'd rather be rude, does nothing more than add to your stress. Dieter Zapf and collegues say the notion that "the customer is always right" should be abandoned.

DWI or DWS?

Italian police stopped a weaving automobile only to discover a half-naked man and a fully naked woman who was trying to have sex while the man was driving. The man had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood. But, here's the good part. The man was 59 years old and the woman was 70 years old. I've heard Italian women were sexy, but I didn't expect this! I'll spare you from the picture.

Sinus Infection & CAT Scan

I've been having this nose problem for quite some that now that I thought was due to allergies. Austin is the 2nd worst place in the US for pollen. First worst is Chapel Hill, NC. After my doctor diagnosed me with sinusitis (sinus infection), he sent me to an allergist to get tested for all my allergies. Okay, so far so good.

The test results show that I'm not allergic to very much. Maybe three tree pollens and that's all. So, all this time that I thought it was allergies, it was actually sinusitis. Years ago I read an article about how people say they have sinus infections when they really don't. It said that sinus infections are actually pretty rare. Well, I reckoned that I didn't have that problem. That's what I get for reckoning.

After the allergist determined that I'm not very allergic, he referred me for a CAT scan. Yeah, a CAT scan, not a feline scan. I go tomorrow to have it done. You can't take antibiotics before the CAT scan, because it won't show the full extent of the problem. I haven't had any now for two weeks, and I'm feelin' it!

She Said What?

Wafa Sultan, a Syrian-American psychiatrist, went on an Al-Jazeera talk show and declared that the struggle between the West and Islam is not a war of religions or civilizations, but rather a war of eras. Yeah, she says that Islam is at home in the Middle Ages, and the West is at home in the 21st century. So, what did she get for saying that? You're right, death threats.

Fatwa, fatwa, have you any reason?
Yes sir, yes sir, kafir hunting season
Hunt for apostates
And do them some harm
Let's put the sword to Dar-el-Harb

The Virgin Mary Protests

Perhaps deadly protests will break out all over Christendom, but I doubt it. Because, hey, even Joseph liked to roll her over once in a while. I can just hear him saying to the priests and scribes, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, the Virgin Mary."

Actually, a Danish priest thought the T-shirt went too far, and convinced the store owner in Esjberg, Denmark to remove it from display. Is it just me, or did I hear it thunder?

Dubai Port Operations?

Airport police in Cairo uncovered an illegal shipment of Viagra hidden in 17 different shipping containers from Dubai. Yes, that country the Bush administration wanted to run our ports. However, it's the quantity that's impressive! One thousand three hundred kilos of Viagra! They didn't say how much of it was intended for Hosni Mubarak.

Ex-President of Mexico Warns of Caudillismo

Carlos Salinas de Gortari, whose brother Raul stole Mexico blind and had the leader of the ruling party assassinated, said recently that there is a risk of Latin America returning to "Caudillismo" which is a kind of authoritarianism combined with cronyism. This coming from a corrupt and lying former President who chose to go into exile after his term ended. What the hell is he talking about? I think the pot is calling the kettle black.

Jack Russel Terrier Comes Close to Biting Man's Penis Off

A German man was playing with his brother's girlfriend's dog when the girlfriend playfully told the dog to get him. The dog did alright. Damn near bit the man's penis off! The girlfriend failed to help him, because she lay on the floor laughing.

Okay, they didn't explain if the guy was nude while playing with the dog or not. But, really, how would a Jack Russel be able to get hold of a man's penis unless he were nude and squatting? Was the girlfriend nude too? I'm just sayin'.

Richard Holbrooke Won't Shed Any Tears

Richard Holbrooke, the main US negotiator during the Clinton administration who took part in negotiating the end of the Balkan war, said that he "will not shed any tears about the death of Slobodan Milosevic." Holbrooke called the ex-dictator of Serbia a sociopath and a war criminal. Hmm...what are they going to say when Cheney dies in a jail cell in the Hague?

It Couldn't Have Happened to a Better Guy

Slobo Milo is dead. Slobodan Milosevic that is. They called him the "Butcher of the Balkans" with good reason. He was a corrupt thief and killer. We're better off without him. He died in his prison cell in the Netherlands where he was on trial for crimes against humanity. If I hadn't quit drinkin' I'd break open a bottle of champagne.

Train the Trainer

From Monday afternoon thru Wednesday morning we were at the Austin Tele-Center conducting a train the trainer sessions. We've developed some new Customer Service training that will be delivered in all six Tele-Centers across Texas. Each Tele-Center has two trainers except the one in Austin. So, that was eleven people not counting the two of us. It went pretty well all in all, but the last day was like when you visit your relatives. By the third day, it's time to go! I have two words to describe the last morning: Intentionally Obtuse. Just google that, if you're not sure what I mean.

All 14 of Them

A group affiliated with the new Communist Party in Russia met in Red Square to commemorate the 53rd anniversary of the death of Stalin. Now, were they celebrating that he has been dead that long, or are they remembering it sadly? Either way there's sure not many of them!

Spies Like Sharks



US researchers are experimenting with the possibility of using sharks as spies. Since they move through the water noislessly they are perfect for getting in close to things, but how are they going to know where to go? Well, by remote control, of course. They will implant chips in the shark's brain, and tell it where to swim that way. Wow, could they implant a chip in Tom Cruise's brain and tell him where to go?

That's What They're Talking About?

The new is that Lindsay Lohan exposed one of her breasts unintentionally (?) at some fashion show in Los Angeles. You'd have to blow the foto up to like 800% to really see anything. To quote Jackson Browne, "Doctor, my eyes!"

Personality DNA

Another personality test. Kinda like the Meyers-Briggs. I'm a
Reserved Inventor. Whether I like it or not.

Bush: "We'll Get Bin Laden Sooner or Later"

During a blitzvisit to Afghanistan on his way to India, George W said that it's not a matter of if we catch Bin Laden, but when. Yeah, with George W leading the hunt, we'll catch Osama when he's in a fucking nursing home for retired Islamists! Does this guy look like he's ready to retire?

Sudanese Man Marries Goat

Well, not really by choice. The elders in his village punished him for fucking a neighbor's goat (the late Theo Van Gogh called Moroccans geitneukers, but what about Sudanese?) by forcing him to marry the goat in question. They also made him pay the owner 15,000 Sudanese dinar. I knew they probably had "arranged marriages" there, but not like this. How much is 15,000 dinar? It's $58.

Oh Surprise, Saddam Has Abandoned His Hunger-Strike

When I heard that Saddam had gone on a hunger-strike, I thought he wouldn't last long. I mean, here's a guy that's had all the luxuries in the world, and he's going on a hunger-strike? No, I didn't think he was serious enough to starve himself to death. Saddam, starve himself to death? Maybe, starve you to death, but not himself. In fact, I had forgotten about it until today when I saw he had given it up.

If I'd Had One of These...

Back some almost 35 years ago, I tried to ride from Amsterdam to Copenhagen on a moped or bromfiets as they're call in the Netherlands. I barely got started before I had to give up. But, if I'd had one of these brommobiels , there'da been no stoppin' me!

Did They Test It for Cocaine?

The FBI says that a white powder thought to be the bioweapon ricin found at the University of Texas is not ricin. They didn't say what it was though.

From Screenplay of Syriana

Bryan Woodard, an oil analyst, says to Prince Nasir, next in line to the throne of Syriana:

You want to know what the business world thinks of you. They think a hundred years ago you were chopping each other's heads off in the desert and that's exactly where you'll be in another hundred.

Hmm...

It's Just Because They're So Damn Grateful

A Norwegian-US study of men between the ages of 20-70 found that men over 50 are more satisfied with their sex lives than younger men. Only men in their 20s reported that they were more satisfied than men in their 50s. Twenty-somethings can't get enought, and fifty-somethings are just thrilled when they can get any

She's Not Heavy, She's My Step-Mother


Liza Minnelli sold a house, for $35 million, with her step-mother inside. Liza's father stipulated when he died that his wife could live in the house as long as she wanted. Well, she's 98 years old and still living there. The only problem is that ownership went to Liza, and, well, sometimes step-mothers and step-daughters don't get along well together. Liza had wanted to sell the house earlier, but that caused a battle between her and her step-mom. Ninety-eight years old...and Liza couldn't wait just a little while longer? Isn't she the one that beat up her latest husband too?

Toiletpaper Cause of Death


Franklin Paul Crow of Florida beat his roommate, Kenneth Matthews, to death with a claw hammer and a sledge hammer. Why? Well, they got into a dispute about the toiletpaper. He must not have put a new roll on the holder when he used the last of the old roll.

Ratko: Perfect Name for a War Criminal

Looks like the Serbian authorities have Ratko Mladic surrounded and (I can't help it) cornered like a rat. One of the most sought-after accused war criminals in the world is living in Serbia. Of course, he was receiving his pension, but the government claimed they didn't know where he was. It wasn't until the European Union told Serbia that their entry into the EU was in danger that they located him.

Syriana

We went to see Syriana today since I had the day off. Wow, it's a good movie! I recommend it. If you know some of the current events from over in the Middle East and Central Asia, it makes the story that much better.

Geneva Convention Contravention

Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld must think the Geneva Convention was a bunch of drunken salesmen meeting for a business convention. They must think that, because they say we are in full compliance with the Geneva Convention. If we're in compliance with it, it had to be bunch of drunks.

Take That You Unbelievers!

A calf was born in southern Egypt within the past week that allegedly has the words "There is no God but God" spelled out on its hide. The calf is black with white markings. I can't read Arabic so I can neither confirm nor deny the Truth of the story. But, Egyptians say it's God's answer to the Muhammad cartoons. Well, just wait til we have a calf born in the West with "Muhammad Who?" on its hide.

I Have It on Good Authority

Tom and Katie are finished. Just watch the MSM for coming reports. My crocodile tears are flowing!

George W Got Left Out

Presidents and Prime Ministers of quite a few Western countries had a group photo taken yesterday in Pakistan. But, they left George W out! Now, don't tell me he doesn't belong. If he doesn't fit in with these guys, he doesn't fit in anywhere.

Paris Hilton As Mother Theresa

No, it's not my cold medication making me think that. It's true! Bollywood director T Rajeevnath is serious about it. He says he has contacted her about the project.

Will He Have a Heart Attack Soon?

Things aren't looking so good for the VP just now. Some court documents made public last week say that Scooter Libby received authorization from "his superiors" to divulge the name of covert agent Valerie Plame to get back at her hubby who had refuted administration claims about uranium purchases by Iraq. From Le Monde:

Des documents judiciaires rendus publics la semaine dernière montrent que Lewis Libby a été autorisé par "ses supérieurs" à divulguer des informations confidentielles à des journalistes.

It may give him chest pains, but it is doing my heart good!

Be Seeing You

Abu Hamza Way, way back some 30 or so years ago there was a TV program called The Prisoner starring Patrick McGoohan. When people in The Village would bid someone else farewell, they would say, "Be Seeing You," while making one of those thumb and forefinger circles and holding it up to their eye. Some oblique reference to being constantly watched. I saw a photo of Abu Hamza today that reminded me of it. Ironically, he was just sentenced to 7 years in prison yesterday.

Nirvana Day

Today is Nirvana Day. No, it's not the day that Kurt Cobain died. At least, I don't think it is. Today is the day some 2489 years ago that the Buddha passed into parinirvana. That's like another word for died. Allegedly his last words were:

Now, monks, I exhort you: the components of the personality are subject to decay; exert yourselves with diligence!

I hope he's right, because there's a few personalities I'd like to see decay.

Namo Amitabha

Islam Is Peace

Beirut

Damascus

Lahore

Palestine

Istanbul

I Think They're Only Proving the Point

Some Danish cartoonist probably had no idea that such a storm would result from cartoons about Muhammed. But, oh, they have! In fact, some Muslims have become so angry about the cartoon depicting Muhammed as a terrorist that they have threatened to kidnap Europeans in Gaza City. Bomb threats have arrived at newspapers that re-printed the cartoons in Denmark, the Netherlands, Spain, Italy, and so on. Protesters in London are calling for the heads of the slanderers. Unfortunately, they are just proving the Danish guy right. What irony.

Don't Forget about Greenland


Sermitsaq, a newspaper in Greenland, has joined the fray in the Mohammed cartoons. Yes, Greenland. The paper's chief editor says that he doesn't expect a big outcry in Greenland, because there's only one (1) Muslim in the entire country. Wow, what a risk taker!

Denmark to Muslims, Make Your Own Porn!

"You boycott our cheese, and we'll cut off your Internet access to our 40 years of experience leading the world in hard core porn. Where are you gonna get your fake pussies now?" Whoa, this is getting down right mean! Doggy style, indeed.

Going Once, Going Twice

Glamour model Jordan is auctioning off her used silicon breast implants on ebay. She said, "Jag har haft dem i åtta år så det är dags för ett nytt par" (I've had them eight years so it is time for a new pair.) She says she wants the new ones to be a little smaller and firmer. Hmmm...I wonder what the starting price is. Whatever it is, it's too much.

What a Herculean Effort It Must Be...

To do anything worthwhile in an environment like this! Yes, it's true, this is my cube. I make great sacrifices all day, all the time. Don't I?

Bubba Likes It
Christine and Her Dogs

Bubba the dog that is. A dog food company in New Zealand, maker of Mighty Mix, has offered to contribute a specially developed food donation to the hungry in Kenya. They say that it's not dog food, but just what would it be? The Kenyan government says that it's hungry children are not so hungry that they would eat dog food. Easy for him to say, huh? Bureaucrat in Nairobi living in luxury. How would he know, anyway? The newspaper that reported the "offer" also reported that Christine Drummond, the company owner, at first offered to send dog biscuits. Then, she changed her offer and wanted to send a special freeze-dried product that you just mix with water. Would it be better than eating the flies off of your face?

Raise Your Hand If You're Sure

That you'd rather die than eat pork.

Uh, Oh, Busted!

The folks at dot.tk have decided that my blog falls outside the realms of decency, and they can no longer handle my Internet traffic. Get a load of this:

According to article 14.1 of the terms and conditions of FREEDOMAIN.TK domain names we are unable to accept this URL, because the contents might contain sexually explicit products or services, or promotion for racial, ethnic or social hatred. Please change the URL and try again.

Gimme a break! Now, if I wanted to switch to a PAIDDOMAIN.TK it would all be okay. Yes, they'll still handle my traffic, if I'll just pay them to. No thanks.

A Portent of Things to Come?

Activists and lawyers against the War in Iraq will hold a mock trial in Cairo Saturday and Sunday (Super Sunday?) against George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Ariel Sharon for war crimes. Ex-presidents from Algeria and Malaysia will attend, and former President Nelson Mandela of South Africa will preside over the trial.

This is troubling because we don't want George W to be upset while he's watching the Super Bowl and choke to death on a pretzel. Why not? Well, that would make The King of Darkness the President.

No, we don't want that.

Well, At Least It Makes Him Look Better



Michael Jackson has been spotted in Bahrain wearing an abaya. An abaya is an all-covering garment worn by women in some Muslim countries. Not a bad idea actually. He's been looking like an old white woman for a long time, so he might as well dress like a woman. Besides, it improves his appearance.

Our Governor-in-Waiting

Why the Hell Not?

He's got my vote! Havin' a Governor named Kinky is better'n havin' one named Dubya.

You Have the Right to a Prostitute - Part 2

Poor Mr. Vegener Hansen of Denmark lost his lawsuit against the Danish government for refusing to pay for his visits to a prostitute. Back on January 7 I noted that he had sued to get his visits paid for, but the decision has come down in the government's favor. "Society should not have to pay for a handicapped person's purchase of sex," was the ruling of the court. The government will pay for a government care giver to arrange for visits with a prostitute, and to drive the handicapped person to the hooker's "place of business."

Now All He Needs Is a Talk Show


In making his threats to Americans, Osama Bin Laden suggested that we read a little known book called, Rogue State. After Osama's "speech" recently, the book shot up the sales list to number 18. I wonder which author Bush will recommend during the State of the Union Address. Marvel Comics?

Parrot Reveals a Woman's Cheating

Chris Taylor had a girlfriend named Suzy Collins. The reason he doesn't have her still is because of his pet parrot. The parrot, named Ziggy started saying, "Hi Gary!" and making kissing sounds everytime Suzy's cell phone rang. This caused Chris some concern, but he thought the bird had heard it from television. It turns out that Ziggy was just repeating what he heard Suzy say.

One afternoon while Chris and Suzy were sitting around together the bird blurted out, "I love you, Gary." It turns out that Suzy had been "entertaining" Gary in Chris's apartment, and the bird heard it all. Hah! Caught!

The real sad news is that Chris had to give Ziggy away, because he couldn't bear to listen to Ziggy repeating his rival's name. Awwk!

Je Voulais Le Manger, mais Pas Le Tuer


Armin Meiwes, the Cannibal, said in court that he wanted to eat his victim, but not kill him. He was hoping that the victim would die or commit suicide. I suppose when Bernd Jürgen Brandes didn't kill himself and didn't bleed to death, Armin did what he had to do. They had cut Bernd's penis off and had shared it as an appetizer. I mean you can only wait for the main course for so long.

Another Westerner Kidnapped in Iraq

DOHA, QATAR Al-Jazeera, the Qatari Arabic language television network, broadcast video from Al-Qaeda in Iraq today purporting to show a new western hostage being threatened with a rifle to the head. The tape demanded the release of all muslim women being held in U.S. and coalition prison facilities. The network quoted the tape as saying, "The lives of hundreds of muslim women in the unbelievers' jail cells are worth one western chicken. We will slaughter the chicken if our sisters are not released." A Pentagon source who requested anonymity said, "We have no confirmation of the kidnapping, or information on the nationality of the bird."

It Will Look Like the Night Vision Shots of Baghdad under Attack


"One Night in Paris" the home-made porn film by former Paris Hilton boyfriend Rick Solomon will air on Swedish TV. Yeah, no shit, they're going to show it. Now, if it's like the little "teaser" I saw of it, it is a fuzzy green hard to see picture like it was shot through night vision goggles. You'd think the Swedes would show better porn than that on TV!

Is That What It Does for You?


Albert Hofmann, the discoverer of LSD, celebrated his 100th birthday today. He was working for the drug company Sandoz in 1943 when he discovered the substance. Hofmann has said that it seems as if he were predestined to discover LSD, because he had a mystical experience as a child in the forest near Basel where he was born. You can send him birthday greetings at birthday@hofmann.org.

We Would Just Execu...Uh, Let Him Sleep That Long

Spanish prosecutors have requested a sentence of between 13,322 and 17,010 years in prison for Ricardo Miguel Cavallo. He is charged the crimes of genocide and terrorism during the military dictatorship from 1976-1983 in Argentina.

He is accused of being one of the main actors in the Guerra Sucia (Dirty War) in Argentina when thousands of leftists disappeared. Apparently he was in charge of one of the "detention centers" where 5000 to 30,000 people disappeared.

Now, here in Texas we would just put him out of our misery. No, not put him out of his misery, I really did mean out of our misery. We wouldn't kill him, we would just let him sleep for 17,000 years.

Me & Julio Down by the Barn Yard

The Goddess and I went to a Bed & Breakfast for our anniversary in Wimberly, Texas. Wimberly is about 20 miles west of San Marcos, and is known as an artist town. We stayed at the Highpoint Manor which also goes by the name of Old McMayhew's Farm. They have a variety of animals there, mostly for guests to see. However, they do use the eggs from the chickens and ducks. We had scrambled duck eggs on our second morning. They tasted so good that I thought the cook had put cheese in them.



One of the animals is a goat named Julio. They named him Julio because "he sangs so purdy." I didn't get to hear him sing, but I did get to see him spit. He runs over to the fence whenever he sees a human approaching. He'll start spitting at them, if they get close enough. He started spitting at me, so I started spitting back. The picture is of us spitting at each other.

Youwee!

My wife gave me a new iPod for our anniversary. Our anniversary is January 2, but it was late coming in, so I just got it today. I'm loading all my music on it right now. Oh what a lucky man I am! This is my second iPod. I have one of the first generation ones that was still carrying on just fine. But, this one is smaller and bigger at the same time. Know what I mean?

Tests Prove Government Spying via Foil Hats

Well, okay, maybe not prove, but a foil hat doesn't interfere with government transmissions, it actually helps them. Don't believe me? Just check it out!

"It Is Finished"

John 19:30, "When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, 'It is finished': and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost."

That's what Tom DeLay said too. Only Tom said it today - not 2000 years ago. He has given up his battle to return to his former post as House Majority Leader. Weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth? Not from me!

You Have the Right to a Prostitute

Mr. Vegener Hansen of Denmark has sued the government for not approving his request to hire a prostitute. Mr. Hansen is disabled and the government pays for someone to bring food to his house. He claims that sex is a human right and that the government should pay for him to visit a prostitute. The law in Denmark allows for Mr. Hansen to be reimbursed for expenses he incurs related to his disability. Since prostitution has been legal in Denmark since 1999, he says that the government made an "injust moral decision" when they refused to pay for a prostitute to come to his apartment. Now, that's not bad - you get a prostitute and you don't even have to pay!

Long Live the King!



Football is King in Texas, and Texas is king in Football. At least for the next year. Our professional teams suck so bad that UT had to step up and "carry the ball for Texas." All is right with the world. We Are the Champions!

This Week Will Be Forever Known as Green Week

To the charities anyway. After Jack Abramoff plead guilty to fraud and bribery the politicians are racing each other to give the money they received from him to charity. I think the charities will remember this week for a long time.

Right Place, Wrong Time

My dad and I both had doctor's appointments this week. Mine was today at 3:00, his was tomorrow at 3:00. I took off work and went to my doctor's office. I went to the window and announced that I was there for my 3:00 appointment. The receptionist said, "I don't have you down." I said, "Yes, at 3:00." She said, "No, I don't have you down." I looked at my appointment card and discovered that my appointment is for tomorrow at 3:00, and my dad's appointment was for today. So, I have to go back tomorrow. I called my dad's doctor's office and discovered that not only was his appointment today, but it was at 2:30. Now, I was about 30 minutes away from home, so I couldn't just go pick him up and show up a little late.

Okay, now the appointments are for me at 3:00 tomorrow and my dad on Wednesday the 11th at 2:15. Too bad it's my dad that's on the memory medication, 'cause it looks like I could use some of it too.

It's Still Hot

Yes, I know that my whining about the hot weather has lasted a long time, but, dammit it's still hot! Our wedding anniversary is January 2, and each year we go to a Bed & Breakfast for a couple of nights. Now, usually it's cool (the weather I mean) when we go. A couple of times there was even a light dusting of snow. Yes, a light dusting, the kind that's melted by about 10:00 am. But, this year we actually ran the air conditioner in the car all the way there and back. Temps were in the 80s. The high today was 85 (29 C.). They even set a record in Dallas for the high temperature on New Year's Day. I forgot to take a jacket when we left, and I didn't even need one. Not even at night! So, this is what New Year's is like in Australia, huh?

I Didn't See It, But I Wish I Had

A recent episode of South Park called "Bloody Mary" is about a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeding from her ass. Oh yeah! They even have the Pope comment. It was about to re-run when a group of Catholics asked (pressured) the Comedy Channel not to show it anymore. So, how am I gonna see it now?

Cold Front Number 16

In Mexico the Secretariat of Government has issued an emergency declaration for the state of Chihuahua. Chihuahua borders Texas and New Mexico. The emergency declaration is for Frente Frio Número Dieciseis. Yes, they have numbers for the cold fronts and emergency declarations as well. So, what does it take for them to get a name, the way hurricanes do? That would be interesting, "Bundle up tonight folks, because Cold Front Monica is on her way to town." Hell, we'd surely need more than 21 names per season.

Mystery Trip – Poco Poco, Indeed!

By the time we got to the hotel and checked in, the time was about 6:00 pm. We rested a few minutes, and then went to the main restaurant to eat. Everything was very good. No surprises, and we were glad about that. After a trying day on Thursday, we just wanted to rest. We didn’t even stay up for the entertainment.

Saturday was actually my birthday. I slept until about 10:30, then went looking for the Goddess and coffee. I found the coffee first, then I found the Goddess in a lounge chair on the beach under several palm trees. I sat down in a lounge chair beside her and stared empty-mindedly for a long time. I don’t often stare empty-mindedly – not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. My mind doesn’t turn off very easily. But, sleeping late in Curaçao, and lying on a lounge chair on the beach will do every time!

Lunch was ready at 12:30, so we ate in the restaurant, then returned to the lounge chairs for naps. I awoke with sun burning my legs, and sun burning the Goddess. The Goddess is so fair that a mere 10 minutes in the tropical sun will burn her badly, so I woke her up. We went back to the room, and slept pretty much the rest of the day. What a birthday! Some people would be very unhappy with sleeping their birthday away, but not me! It was perfect.

Later in the evening we went to eat at one of the special restaurants in the hotel. Get this: it was Japanese. Yes, Japanese-Curaçaoan food. It was wonderful! I was even able to use the chopsticks (I can’t normally). Our “Japanese” cook informed us that he wasn’t a “real Japanese.” I didn’t really have any doubt, but he sure could cook well.

All in all, an excellent day.

Mystery Trip – Escape from Miami



We returned to the Embassy Suites hotel to find that the EZ Car Rental desk wasn’t open yet. We stood there looking around, but no one was showing up. The Goddess asked the Concierge about when EZ would show up, and he offered to take the keys for us. We decided to eat breakfast in the restaurant at the Embassy Suites.

This is one of those hotels that has a free made-to-order breakfast as part of the room rate. If you’re not a guest, you have to pay for the breakfast. No problem. So we go to the reception desk, and say we want to pay for breakfast. Our request threw the clerk into a tailspin. She didn’t know how to do that. I mean her job is checking people in and out, how the hell is she supposed to take payment for breakfast. She asked her co-worker for help. Of course, the co-worker had to ask us all the same questions the clerk has just asked us even though the co-worker was standing right there. Now, I’ll bet if I had been talking about Ashton Kutcher, she would have heard it all! Anyway, we paid for the breakfast and went to eat. They gave us an entire hotel print-out for a receipt.

We arrived at MIA (ironic name, no?) with time to spare. One thing I noticed in Miami is that if you don’t yell at the person you’re trying to ask a question, they will ignore you. We couldn’t find the right line to get in for checking our bags. I asked one American Airlines woman who was helping to get people into the correct line two times where we were supposed to go. But, I wasn’t shouting, so she just ignored me. I swear I was no more than two feet from her! We pried the information out of another woman, but what she said was half-intelligible, and we had to ask someone else. Oh my!

We waited our turn through the line and got cleared. The desk clerk told us to turn our bags in to the TSA guys at the big X-ray machine. We stepped over there, but they were all talking amongst themselves, and the completely ignored us. Then, I shouted, “What do we do here?” Let me tell ya, they wait until you get mad in Miami before they do anything to help. We were there the day after a Federal Air Marshall shot and killed a bi-polar man who had gone off of his medicine. The guy was yelling that he had a bomb. Probably he was just trying to get someone to tell him where the bathroom was.

We went through the metal detectors along with about 500 close friends, and found our gate. Fortunately it was not all the way to the end of the concourse. We took off on time and arrived in Curaçao on time. By the way, in Curaçao they don’t incessant ringing schoolbells in the jetways. That’s because they don’t have jetways. They have stairs. And you don’t have to yell at someone for them to stop ignoring you. Life is just simpler there.

In the shuttle on the way to the hotel the driver told us that people in Curaçao have a saying – it’s “poco poco”. That means take it easy, if we don’t get to it today we will tomorrow. Now, that attitude I can live with.

Mystery Trip - Oh Wow Curaçao!

Friday morning we get up at 6:00 am, because I’ve been told that we have to be at the airport by 9:00. We have a flight that’s leaving at 11:00. That’s all I know. After I take a shower, I find out that we’re going to Curaçao, an island in the Caribbean. I can’t believe it! It’s a place that has always interested me, and I’ve always wanted to go there.

The Goddess doesn’t remember typing it up for me, but I wrote a semester paper in college on bilingual education in Curaçao. The languages in question were Papiamento and Dutch. What’s Papiamento? Well, it’s a creole language developed from Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, and English. There’s a whole process that causes creole languages, but it’s enough to say that the languages get mixed together. But, it’s not some Pig Latin, it’s a real language with all the capabilities of any other language. Anyway, I’ve been fascinated by Curaçao ever since I wrote the paper. She picked Curaçao, because Dutch is an official language there. It would give me a chance to practice Dutch. And it did!

By the way, Curaçao is a Portuguese word meaning “heart”. The reason for that name is because the island has a natural harbor that is shaped like a heart. Besides being a place with interesting languages, it’s a Caribbean island with resorts! I’m really thrilled. We’re going to stay at an all-inclusive resort called Breezes. It just don’t get any better.

We get ready and go downstairs to check out. We get our rent car and head toward the airport. As we’re just about to leave Miami Beach, we stop at a stop light. Three little ladies come walking around the corner. They each have on flower print dresses and one of those hair wrap things that looks like you have your hair wrapped up in a towel. All three hair wraps are pink.
One of the ladies stops on the corner and steps into a flower bed which has an automatic sprinkler spraying water up about waist high. She sort of stands with her legs farther apart than normal, and thrusts her pelvis forward. I reckoned that she was letting the water hit her back and was cooling off. The the Goddess says in an animated voice, “She’s peeing!” Yes, she was peeing in the flower bed standing up. We had seen this before in Guadalajara, but that time the lady was at least a little discrete. This one wasn’t trying to be inconspicuous at all! Ah Miami, it’s a complete nuthouse. Just imagine New York City in the tropics, and you’ve got Miami. Everyone in both places speaks English with a hard-to-understand accent. ¡Dios mio!

Mystery Trip – Once in a Blue Moon


We found the Blue Moon Hotel on Collins Avenue in the middle of the Art Deco section of South Beach. As we pulled up in front of the hotel, a guy came out to get our bags. He asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was hungry. The Goddess asked him if he knew of any good Cuban restaurants. He said that Lario’s was close and excellent. He also told us that it is owned by Gloria Estefan. Okay.

We went in the Blue Moon and walked up to the front desk. The Goddess said we had reservations, and gave our name. The clerk, a red-headed woman with a strong Spanish accent, said that she didn’t have us down on the list. The Goddess explained that she had already paid for the room and that she made the reservation through Travelocity. Still didn’t impress the clerk. The clerk said that she had a room, but that it had twin beds. Now, remember the Goddess was already pissed off about the car rental place. She asked if she could use a phone and they let her use the bellhop’s phone.

The result was not pretty. Some poor sucker at Travelocity got reamed out as only the Goddess can do it. Anyway, Travelocity called the Blue Moon while the Goddess waited on hold. That was a sight – the Goddess on one side of the lobby holding the phone while the clerk is on the phone to Travelocity on the other side. The clerk had to get the manager to come speak with them. I was sitting about half way between them, and could hear both conversations. When all was said and done (which was a lot), we took the room with twin beds.

We went to Lario’s and saw some of the beautiful people. We saw some not-so-beautiful people too. They have tables outside and inside. We sat outside and watched the parade of people pass by. I kept getting the feeling that we were among some shadowy South American exiles plotting coup d’etats with rogue CIA agents.

We got back to the room so exhausted from the travel that we pretty much went right to sleep.

Mystery Trip - Miami, South Beach, and One Pissed-Off Goddess



We arrived in Miami at about 4:30 or so. The change of planes in Atlanta went smoothly. In fact, as we walked up to the gate a young blonde woman was talking to the gate agents. I heard one of the agents say, "Oh, we have a celebrity then! Which magazine cover are you going to be on?" The blonde said, "Playboy, next month." The agent said, "Oh." The Playmate said, "Yeah, people always do that when I say Playboy." She said she had been to the Playboy Mansion, and that all the girls there hated her.

But, back to Miami. We found our luggage in the American Airlines unclaimed baggage office. The bags did beat us there! We began looking for the EZ Car Rental desk. Hmmm...don't see it right here. Those free phones that the Chamber of Commerce locates in airports didn't have any car rental services listed, just hotels. We didn't have a phone number for EZ, so we asked a few people. One woman said that they might be on the upper floor, because she thought one was up there, but she couldn't be sure. The print-out that she had said to go to the EZ counter. The Goddess got on the phone with Travelocity (who she booked through), who had to conference in EZ Car Rental. While she was waiting for all that to happen, I went upstairs to see if it was up there. I saw two Transportation Safety Administration workers talking, so I went up and asked if they knew where EZ Car Rental was. They both said, "Yeah, downstairs, by the baggage claim." I said, "No, I've already looked there." They said that no car rental desks were on that floor. Then one of them said, "I guess it's not so EZ after all!" That's our TSA at work.

When I got back downstairs the Goddess said that the rental desk is in the Embassy Suites, and we have to take the Embassy Suites Shuttle. We went out to the driveway, and waited for the shuttle. I arrived pretty quickly, and off we went to the rental desk. We got a Ford Focus and the threat of paying $4.99 per gallon of gas, if we didn't bring it back full of gas. Off we went to Miami Beach (South Beach to be exact) in search of the Blue Moon Hotel

Mystery Trip - Ice, Ice, Baby



Yes, there was ice. The Mystery Trip started on Thursday, December 8, 2005 at 3:30 am. You read it right, 3:30 am. We got up early so that we could be at the airport at 7:00 to check in for a 9:00 flight. The trouble was that during the night we had sleet and freezing rain, so the bridges were iced over. The roads themselves were okay, actually, it was the bridges. We left home about 4:30, and drove very slowly to the airport. We got there, checked the bags, and went to the snack bar for some breakfast. It was just after 6:00 at this point.

We went to the gate, and waited. The Goddess went to the desk and asked about making our connecting flight. The man there said that we would be delayed and would miss our connection in Dallas. All the other flights from Dallas to XXXX were full and we couldn't get there. So the Goddess arranged for us to switch to Delta and change planes in Atlanta. Since our bags were already checked on American, they would stay on American. While the Goddess was explaining this to me she slipped and said that our bags would be in Miami by the time we got there. I said, "You just told me!" It wasn't too bad though, because I already knew it would be a warm place.

We went to Gate 4 and waited. We waited some more. Finally, they decided to start letting people board the plane. Right after they let 1st class board the alarm bell started ringing in the Jetway. Now this was the kind of bell that I had in school so many years ago. It was very loud, and very uninterrupted. I sat in my seat with my fingers in my ears while the staff started to work on it. After what seemed like two straight minutes of ringing, they turned it off. Then every minute or so they would try it to see if they had fixed it - they hadn't. So, we kept getting this bell ringing for about 15 minutes. Finally the cut the wire or something, because it stopped.

We boarded the plane only to find out that we had to de-ice. See, the entire plane was covered in about 1/4 of an inch of ice. The pilot told us the de-icing truck would be there momentarily. Twenty minutes later the captain told us that the de-icing truck was having some trouble with getting the mixture just right, but that they would be over to us in about 10 minutes. Half an hour later, he apologized profusely, and said that it should just be a few more minutes. Another half hour and he told the flight attendants to pass out drinks and snacks. He even came into the cabin and went throughout the plane to answer questions. He returned to the flight deck, and waited some more. We wound up waiting 3 1/2 hours on that plane waiting for the de-icing truck! I was afraid the toilets were going to back up.

We left for Atlanta about 11:30. I don't know when our bags left for Dallas, but I'll bet they beat us to Miami.