Is That a Book of Mormon in Your Pocket?


Or are you just glad to see me? Last weekend my daughter, Kirsten, was in Salt Lake City on business. She and some other people went on a tour of the Mormon Tabernacle. The folks there want to you sign their book with your address and so on, so Kirsten wrote my name and the Goddess's name and our address down. She called later and confessed (or rather laughed) about what she had done.


Earlier this week two young Mormon men came by the house asking for me. My mother, Nana, who's 84 years old and knows that it was a joke, told them that I wasn't home yet. I was still at the acupuncturist. They came back this afternoon, but again I wasn't home and Nana told them that we had gone out to eat. They asked when I would be home and she said later tonight. Now I asked her why she didn't just tell them it was a joke, and she said she wouldn't do that...she'd leave that to me. I asked her if she thought she was doing them any favors, by making them come back so many times. She stuck by her guns.

Well, they just came again, and this time I was here to talk to them.

Mormon 1: Hi Mark? How are you doing?

Me: Fine

Mormon 2: I'm _____ and this is my partner _____.

I shook hands with both of them.

Mormon 1: We heard you were in Salt Lake recently...

Me: No, that wasn't me, it was my daughter.

Mormon 1: Oh you weren't?

Me: No, she told us that she put our name down, but it was a joke.

Mormon 1: A joke?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Well, can we leave you a Book of Mormon?

Me: I already have one. (I bought one about 10 years ago at a used book store for less than a dollar.)

Mormon 1: You do? Have you read it?

Me: No.

Mormon 1: Will you?

Me: Mmmmm, I might.

Mormon 1: Have you heard the message that it tells?

Me: Yeah, I'm familiar with it, but I'm not interested.

Mormon 1: Why not?

Me: I'm a Unitarian.

Mormon 2: What's that?

Me: Well, Unitarian Universalist.

Mormon 1: Yeah, this is the first time I've heard of that. Would you tell us about it?

Me: Well, it started in New England in the Congregational churches. They began to question the Trinity because it wasn't Biblical. So, they got the name Unitarian as opposed to Trinitarian. The Universalists came to America with John Murray who began to preach here. See, Universalist means no one gets condemned forever. Everybody gets in. The two denominations merged in '61.

Mormon 1: So, you believe there is just one (God) made up of lots of parts?

Me: Well, that's the way it started, but now it's a very liberal denomination. There is no creed or doctrine that you have to adhere to. We have Unitarian Universalists Christians, Unitarian Universalist Buddhists, Unitarian Universalist Pagans...it's just believe whatever you want.

Mormon !: Anything you want?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Hmm, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

Me: Uh huh.

Silence.

Mormon 1: Well, Mark, would you come to church with us on Sunday and see what it's about?

Me: No, thanks.

Mormon 1: Okay, well, it's been good meeting you...

Me: Yeah, (extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 1)...good to meet you (speaking to Mormon 2, extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 2)...Be careful.

Mormon 2: (Smile and nod) okay.

So see Kirsten, it's not so hard to talk to them if you just tell them the truth!

Wind Invasion

Last night for the first time in my life I went to an acupuncturist. I have often used acupressure and have used chi to heal myself and so on. After having my shitty reaction to the latest antibiotic, I thought something more Oriental might work.

I went to the Academy of Oriental Medicine at Austin, because it's the end of the month and I'm short of money. The Academy has interns treat patients under the guidance of a doctor, so it charges less than regular acupuncturists. They diagnosed me with a Yin deficiency and a Wind Invasion.

I got a total of nine needles. One on each ankle, just below each knee, on the elbows, each side on my nose, and one just below my belly-button. There's just a little ache type feeling where the needles go in, but that tends to go away.

I got an herbal concoction to make into tea and drink twice a day. So far, so good. I can breathe more easily, but still no smell.

Iatrogenic Rash


I posted before that I've had a sinus infection for a few months now. Well, I've been to an allergist, had a CAT scan, tried antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. The last antibiotic I took was Levaquin. It helped the sinus infection, but didn't knock it out completely. As soon as I finished the 10 days of one pill per day, I had this strange rash come up on my hands and arms. Today is over one week that I've had this rash, and it's itchin' like a motherfucker! My hands and arms look like I have the chickenpox. However, it seems like it's getting better (always the optimist, huh?).

This morning I looked up patient reports on Levaquin, and find out that a skin rash is one of the side effects. Like, really bad skin rash that won't go away. Some people have even had to get treatment for the Levaquin caused skin problems. Iatrogenic is a word used to describe an illness brought on by the treatment of another illness. "What if the cure is worse than the disease?" - Joan Osborne

Da Judge's Code


The judge in the Da Vinci Code lawsuit in London put his own code in the written decision. So far, no one has figured it out. He had some letters in the decision put in cursive instead of typed. If you put the first 10 cursive letters together you get "Smithy Code", but the judge refuses to reveal the entire code. Hmmm...

I Don't Care If You're in a Wheelchair, Don't Talk to Me That Way!


Two police officers in Florida used a stun gun on a woman in a wheelchair. They said she threatened them with a knife. Isn't this the same place that they handcuffed a 6 year-old girl who was acting up in school? To make matters worse the woman died. Here in Texas, we wouldn't allow police to do that...we'd make them use live ammunition!

Can't Someone Just Channel Him for Free?

For only $9.95 you can hear John Lennon's message to the world from beyond the grave. Pay-per-view to hear John's Electronic Voice Phenomenon. Uh...I think I'll wait to read the review. "The dream is over. What can I say? The dream is over, yesterday."

Too Little Too Late

Some 20+ years after the arrival of AIDS in the West, the Vatican has declared that it's okay for AIDS patients to use condoms. But, truly, what else could you expect from a bunch of old mostly white men? What'll they think of next?

Oh What a Brave Statement!

Now that Bushs's approval ratings are in the mid-thirties, Madeleine Albright says that the invasions of Iraq was the greatest blunder in American foreign policy. Oh, how brave!! Why didn't she say that back in February and March of 2003? Where has she been all this time? Is it just now apparent that it's a blunder? No, not at all. It's been that way all along, the Democrats just don't have the guts to challenge the president.



Way back in the '70s there was a movie called Slap Shot starring Paul Newman. It's about a failing minor league hockey team that resorts to constant fighting and violence to overcome a losing record. The owner, who is gay, show up at one of the half times to berate the players. He says, "You're playing like a bunch of pussies!" That's what the present-day Democrats are doing, they're playing like a bunch of pussies. They can't even get up the nerve to censure the president, much less impeach him.

Gotta Love those Danes

Especially those Danish priests. Priests in Sønderjylland want to have more Sundays off. They'd like to have more time to spend with their families. But Bishop Christensen says, "When you become a priest, you know that you will work on Sundays." Duh!

Men Have Headaches Too

From the same edition of Clarín, a growing number of men, yes men, are faking their orgasms. Estimations are about 3% of men fake or have faked orgasms. Think maybe it´s mostly those Spaniards and Austrians?

Austrians and Spaniards?

According to Edward Laumann of the University of California, Austrians and Spaniards report the most sexual satisfaction among 40+ers based on a survey of 27,500 men and women. In all countries except Algeria and Malaysia men reported they were more satisfied than women with sex. Algeria and Malaysia? From the article

El bajo nivel de satisfacción sexual entre las mujeres también se explica por la falta de juegos previos, algo particularmente problemático en Asia y en Medio Oriente, dijo Laumann. "En promedio, (a los hombres) les lleva cuatro minutos eyacular. Las mujeres necesitan 11 minutos. Es por eso que los juegos previos son tan importantes". Y agregó que la mayoría de los hombres afirmaba tener siempre un orgasmo, pero entre las mujeres, la cifra sólo alcanza el 26 por ciento, "aunque 45% de los hombres cree que su pareja siempre tiene un orgasmo".

The low level of satisfaction among women can also be explained by the lack of foreplay, something particularly problematic in Asia and the Middle East, said Laumann. "On average, (among men) it takes four minutes to ejaculate. Women need 11 minutes. That's why foreplay is so important." He added that the majority of men say they always have an orgasm, but among women, that number only reaches 26%, "even though 45% of men believe their partner always have an orgasm."

Spain? I still can't get over it.

Will He Have a Hotplate?


Tom Cruise says he'll eat Katie's placenta after she delivers their baby. Raw? Cooked? The thought is making me nauseous, and I have a strong stomach.

Texas Warming


They say that the whole globe is warming. I have no reason to doubt that, because it sure is warming here in Texas. Yes, today is April 17 and the temperature right now at 7:25 pm is 97F (36C) and the high was 99F (37C). Now, that's just wrong! We're not even one month into spring, and it's already unbearable.

Look Familiar?



Sure looks like a Klan rally to me. But, it's not. It's a Christian ritual carried out in Brazil.

White House Affirms Confidence in Rumsfeld


Just like so many other time, when the President expresses confidence in something, you know the opposite is true. Remember "We're gonna smoke 'em out", "Saddam Hussein has WMD", "There's is no insurgency", "We are making progress in Iraq", "We do not torture", "I don't know Mr. Abramoff", and so on.

Now, they're saying that Rumsfeld has the President's full confidence. He'll be gone by May 1.

Someone Else Dead in Front of TV?

Hard to explain, but a Dutch newspaper website (my previous post) said a 40-year old man was found dead in front of his TV after having been there for three years. The Danish newspaper website BT.dk reports the exact same facts except they say the deceased was a woman. No, I don't think it was two different people. BT.dk also says that neighbors were concerned about her, and went into her apartment to see why she was so behind in her rent. They're just now checking? I think something's rotten in Denmark.

The Neighbors Thought He Was Just Reclusive

British police discovered a 40-year old man dead in his apartment in London back in January. They delayed the announcement until today, because of problems verifying his identity. Okay, so what's unusual about that? Well, they calculate that he died in February of 2003 while sitting in front of his TV set. I thought British TV was actually better than ours. Just imagine how many years earlier he might have died, if he had watched American TV!

Oh, and one other thing...the TV was still on.

Watch Out!


You can't yell "Duck!" around him 'cause he'll pull out a shotgun.

Second Hand Silva

Silva Shahakian, an Iraqi Christian, has accepted the honor of being Miss Iraq in spite of death threats against her predecessor. The Miss Iraq beauty contest held April 9 originally named a different contestant as the winner. Tamar Goregian the first Miss Iraq returned the "crown" four days after being threatened by Islamic militias. The new winner's whereabouts are unknown.


It seems like the militias would appreciate pretty women. I mean just look at some of those pictures of Iraqi women! Not what I'd call centerfold material. I'm just sayin'.

The Bush Doctrine


A song by Randy Newman seems to sum up our President's take on foreign policy. Especially with respect to Iran.


No one likes us
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect
But heaven knows we try.
But all around even our old friends put us down.
Let's drop the big one and see what happens.

We give them money
But are they grateful?
No they're spiteful
And they're hateful.
They don't respect us so let's surprise them;
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them.

Now Asia's crowded
And Europe's too old.
Africa's far too hot,
And Canada's too cold.
And South America stole our name.
Let's drop the big one; there'll be no one left to blame us.

Bridge:
We'll save Australia;
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo.
We'll build an all-American amusement park there;
They've got surfing, too.

Well, boom goes London,
And boom Paris.
More room for you
And more room for me.
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town.
Oh, how peaceful it'll be;
We'll set everybody free;
You'll have Japanese kimonos, baby,
There'll be Italian shoes for me.
They all hate us anyhow,
So let's drop the big one now.
Let's drop the big one now.