Now All He Needs Is a Talk Show


In making his threats to Americans, Osama Bin Laden suggested that we read a little known book called, Rogue State. After Osama's "speech" recently, the book shot up the sales list to number 18. I wonder which author Bush will recommend during the State of the Union Address. Marvel Comics?

Parrot Reveals a Woman's Cheating

Chris Taylor had a girlfriend named Suzy Collins. The reason he doesn't have her still is because of his pet parrot. The parrot, named Ziggy started saying, "Hi Gary!" and making kissing sounds everytime Suzy's cell phone rang. This caused Chris some concern, but he thought the bird had heard it from television. It turns out that Ziggy was just repeating what he heard Suzy say.

One afternoon while Chris and Suzy were sitting around together the bird blurted out, "I love you, Gary." It turns out that Suzy had been "entertaining" Gary in Chris's apartment, and the bird heard it all. Hah! Caught!

The real sad news is that Chris had to give Ziggy away, because he couldn't bear to listen to Ziggy repeating his rival's name. Awwk!

Je Voulais Le Manger, mais Pas Le Tuer


Armin Meiwes, the Cannibal, said in court that he wanted to eat his victim, but not kill him. He was hoping that the victim would die or commit suicide. I suppose when Bernd Jürgen Brandes didn't kill himself and didn't bleed to death, Armin did what he had to do. They had cut Bernd's penis off and had shared it as an appetizer. I mean you can only wait for the main course for so long.

Another Westerner Kidnapped in Iraq

DOHA, QATAR Al-Jazeera, the Qatari Arabic language television network, broadcast video from Al-Qaeda in Iraq today purporting to show a new western hostage being threatened with a rifle to the head. The tape demanded the release of all muslim women being held in U.S. and coalition prison facilities. The network quoted the tape as saying, "The lives of hundreds of muslim women in the unbelievers' jail cells are worth one western chicken. We will slaughter the chicken if our sisters are not released." A Pentagon source who requested anonymity said, "We have no confirmation of the kidnapping, or information on the nationality of the bird."

It Will Look Like the Night Vision Shots of Baghdad under Attack


"One Night in Paris" the home-made porn film by former Paris Hilton boyfriend Rick Solomon will air on Swedish TV. Yeah, no shit, they're going to show it. Now, if it's like the little "teaser" I saw of it, it is a fuzzy green hard to see picture like it was shot through night vision goggles. You'd think the Swedes would show better porn than that on TV!

Is That What It Does for You?


Albert Hofmann, the discoverer of LSD, celebrated his 100th birthday today. He was working for the drug company Sandoz in 1943 when he discovered the substance. Hofmann has said that it seems as if he were predestined to discover LSD, because he had a mystical experience as a child in the forest near Basel where he was born. You can send him birthday greetings at birthday@hofmann.org.

We Would Just Execu...Uh, Let Him Sleep That Long

Spanish prosecutors have requested a sentence of between 13,322 and 17,010 years in prison for Ricardo Miguel Cavallo. He is charged the crimes of genocide and terrorism during the military dictatorship from 1976-1983 in Argentina.

He is accused of being one of the main actors in the Guerra Sucia (Dirty War) in Argentina when thousands of leftists disappeared. Apparently he was in charge of one of the "detention centers" where 5000 to 30,000 people disappeared.

Now, here in Texas we would just put him out of our misery. No, not put him out of his misery, I really did mean out of our misery. We wouldn't kill him, we would just let him sleep for 17,000 years.

Me & Julio Down by the Barn Yard

The Goddess and I went to a Bed & Breakfast for our anniversary in Wimberly, Texas. Wimberly is about 20 miles west of San Marcos, and is known as an artist town. We stayed at the Highpoint Manor which also goes by the name of Old McMayhew's Farm. They have a variety of animals there, mostly for guests to see. However, they do use the eggs from the chickens and ducks. We had scrambled duck eggs on our second morning. They tasted so good that I thought the cook had put cheese in them.



One of the animals is a goat named Julio. They named him Julio because "he sangs so purdy." I didn't get to hear him sing, but I did get to see him spit. He runs over to the fence whenever he sees a human approaching. He'll start spitting at them, if they get close enough. He started spitting at me, so I started spitting back. The picture is of us spitting at each other.

Youwee!

My wife gave me a new iPod for our anniversary. Our anniversary is January 2, but it was late coming in, so I just got it today. I'm loading all my music on it right now. Oh what a lucky man I am! This is my second iPod. I have one of the first generation ones that was still carrying on just fine. But, this one is smaller and bigger at the same time. Know what I mean?

Tests Prove Government Spying via Foil Hats

Well, okay, maybe not prove, but a foil hat doesn't interfere with government transmissions, it actually helps them. Don't believe me? Just check it out!

"It Is Finished"

John 19:30, "When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, 'It is finished': and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost."

That's what Tom DeLay said too. Only Tom said it today - not 2000 years ago. He has given up his battle to return to his former post as House Majority Leader. Weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth? Not from me!

You Have the Right to a Prostitute

Mr. Vegener Hansen of Denmark has sued the government for not approving his request to hire a prostitute. Mr. Hansen is disabled and the government pays for someone to bring food to his house. He claims that sex is a human right and that the government should pay for him to visit a prostitute. The law in Denmark allows for Mr. Hansen to be reimbursed for expenses he incurs related to his disability. Since prostitution has been legal in Denmark since 1999, he says that the government made an "injust moral decision" when they refused to pay for a prostitute to come to his apartment. Now, that's not bad - you get a prostitute and you don't even have to pay!

Long Live the King!



Football is King in Texas, and Texas is king in Football. At least for the next year. Our professional teams suck so bad that UT had to step up and "carry the ball for Texas." All is right with the world. We Are the Champions!

This Week Will Be Forever Known as Green Week

To the charities anyway. After Jack Abramoff plead guilty to fraud and bribery the politicians are racing each other to give the money they received from him to charity. I think the charities will remember this week for a long time.

Right Place, Wrong Time

My dad and I both had doctor's appointments this week. Mine was today at 3:00, his was tomorrow at 3:00. I took off work and went to my doctor's office. I went to the window and announced that I was there for my 3:00 appointment. The receptionist said, "I don't have you down." I said, "Yes, at 3:00." She said, "No, I don't have you down." I looked at my appointment card and discovered that my appointment is for tomorrow at 3:00, and my dad's appointment was for today. So, I have to go back tomorrow. I called my dad's doctor's office and discovered that not only was his appointment today, but it was at 2:30. Now, I was about 30 minutes away from home, so I couldn't just go pick him up and show up a little late.

Okay, now the appointments are for me at 3:00 tomorrow and my dad on Wednesday the 11th at 2:15. Too bad it's my dad that's on the memory medication, 'cause it looks like I could use some of it too.

It's Still Hot

Yes, I know that my whining about the hot weather has lasted a long time, but, dammit it's still hot! Our wedding anniversary is January 2, and each year we go to a Bed & Breakfast for a couple of nights. Now, usually it's cool (the weather I mean) when we go. A couple of times there was even a light dusting of snow. Yes, a light dusting, the kind that's melted by about 10:00 am. But, this year we actually ran the air conditioner in the car all the way there and back. Temps were in the 80s. The high today was 85 (29 C.). They even set a record in Dallas for the high temperature on New Year's Day. I forgot to take a jacket when we left, and I didn't even need one. Not even at night! So, this is what New Year's is like in Australia, huh?

I Didn't See It, But I Wish I Had

A recent episode of South Park called "Bloody Mary" is about a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeding from her ass. Oh yeah! They even have the Pope comment. It was about to re-run when a group of Catholics asked (pressured) the Comedy Channel not to show it anymore. So, how am I gonna see it now?

Cold Front Number 16

In Mexico the Secretariat of Government has issued an emergency declaration for the state of Chihuahua. Chihuahua borders Texas and New Mexico. The emergency declaration is for Frente Frio Número Dieciseis. Yes, they have numbers for the cold fronts and emergency declarations as well. So, what does it take for them to get a name, the way hurricanes do? That would be interesting, "Bundle up tonight folks, because Cold Front Monica is on her way to town." Hell, we'd surely need more than 21 names per season.

Mystery Trip – Poco Poco, Indeed!

By the time we got to the hotel and checked in, the time was about 6:00 pm. We rested a few minutes, and then went to the main restaurant to eat. Everything was very good. No surprises, and we were glad about that. After a trying day on Thursday, we just wanted to rest. We didn’t even stay up for the entertainment.

Saturday was actually my birthday. I slept until about 10:30, then went looking for the Goddess and coffee. I found the coffee first, then I found the Goddess in a lounge chair on the beach under several palm trees. I sat down in a lounge chair beside her and stared empty-mindedly for a long time. I don’t often stare empty-mindedly – not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. My mind doesn’t turn off very easily. But, sleeping late in Curaçao, and lying on a lounge chair on the beach will do every time!

Lunch was ready at 12:30, so we ate in the restaurant, then returned to the lounge chairs for naps. I awoke with sun burning my legs, and sun burning the Goddess. The Goddess is so fair that a mere 10 minutes in the tropical sun will burn her badly, so I woke her up. We went back to the room, and slept pretty much the rest of the day. What a birthday! Some people would be very unhappy with sleeping their birthday away, but not me! It was perfect.

Later in the evening we went to eat at one of the special restaurants in the hotel. Get this: it was Japanese. Yes, Japanese-Curaçaoan food. It was wonderful! I was even able to use the chopsticks (I can’t normally). Our “Japanese” cook informed us that he wasn’t a “real Japanese.” I didn’t really have any doubt, but he sure could cook well.

All in all, an excellent day.

Mystery Trip – Escape from Miami



We returned to the Embassy Suites hotel to find that the EZ Car Rental desk wasn’t open yet. We stood there looking around, but no one was showing up. The Goddess asked the Concierge about when EZ would show up, and he offered to take the keys for us. We decided to eat breakfast in the restaurant at the Embassy Suites.

This is one of those hotels that has a free made-to-order breakfast as part of the room rate. If you’re not a guest, you have to pay for the breakfast. No problem. So we go to the reception desk, and say we want to pay for breakfast. Our request threw the clerk into a tailspin. She didn’t know how to do that. I mean her job is checking people in and out, how the hell is she supposed to take payment for breakfast. She asked her co-worker for help. Of course, the co-worker had to ask us all the same questions the clerk has just asked us even though the co-worker was standing right there. Now, I’ll bet if I had been talking about Ashton Kutcher, she would have heard it all! Anyway, we paid for the breakfast and went to eat. They gave us an entire hotel print-out for a receipt.

We arrived at MIA (ironic name, no?) with time to spare. One thing I noticed in Miami is that if you don’t yell at the person you’re trying to ask a question, they will ignore you. We couldn’t find the right line to get in for checking our bags. I asked one American Airlines woman who was helping to get people into the correct line two times where we were supposed to go. But, I wasn’t shouting, so she just ignored me. I swear I was no more than two feet from her! We pried the information out of another woman, but what she said was half-intelligible, and we had to ask someone else. Oh my!

We waited our turn through the line and got cleared. The desk clerk told us to turn our bags in to the TSA guys at the big X-ray machine. We stepped over there, but they were all talking amongst themselves, and the completely ignored us. Then, I shouted, “What do we do here?” Let me tell ya, they wait until you get mad in Miami before they do anything to help. We were there the day after a Federal Air Marshall shot and killed a bi-polar man who had gone off of his medicine. The guy was yelling that he had a bomb. Probably he was just trying to get someone to tell him where the bathroom was.

We went through the metal detectors along with about 500 close friends, and found our gate. Fortunately it was not all the way to the end of the concourse. We took off on time and arrived in Curaçao on time. By the way, in Curaçao they don’t incessant ringing schoolbells in the jetways. That’s because they don’t have jetways. They have stairs. And you don’t have to yell at someone for them to stop ignoring you. Life is just simpler there.

In the shuttle on the way to the hotel the driver told us that people in Curaçao have a saying – it’s “poco poco”. That means take it easy, if we don’t get to it today we will tomorrow. Now, that attitude I can live with.