We're Better Off without Him

Another dictator with bloody hands has died. No, not Castro, at least not yet. This one stood in direct opposition to Fidel in fact. Augusto Pinochet the thief, tax evader, and mass murderer has gone to meet his maker. I hope his maker gives him direct passage to hell...he deserves it.

He couldn't have pulled it off alone, though. He had plenty of help from us, as in U.S. Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, et al played their part. Pinochet never faced justice from humanity, but his name has become synonymous with brutality. That's only fair.

I kinda like the idea that he died on my birthday...Fuck you Augusto!

¿La Verdad o Sólo Esperanzas de Los Gringos?

La BBC reporta según fuentes cubanos anónimos que El Líder padece de una clase de cáncer agresivo y que probablemente muera antes de la navidad. Pero, hemos oido algo parecido de la CIA hace meses, ¿verdad? ¿Es que sufren de pensamientos esperantivos (wishful thinking)?

Otra vez tratan de leer los residuos del té acerca de la muerte de un gobernante como pasó con Franco, Arafat, y El Papa. Cada minusioso detalle sobre el estado de salud del agonizante se lee como presagio de la futura. ¡Déjenlos en paz, por favor! No tenemos que saber todo de sus últimos momentos. Alquien escribirá un libro por supuesto.

Spray-On Condom

Soon you won't have to fumble in the dark to tear open the package and try to get the condom turned the right way. Now, the Institude for Condom Consultancy is working on a spray-on condom. Men would put their penises in a device that will spray latex onto the penis for the full 360 degrees. I wonder who they'll get to test the device? Not me.

No More Waiting in Long Lines for the Ladies Room

A new product has hit the market so that females can pee standing up. No more waiting in long lines at concerts or squatting behind bushes when you go camping. No, now women have a device that simulates a penis. Penis envy, anyone? A woman came up with the idea while on a fishing trip. They claim older women who have trouble sitting due to arthritis can use it, as well as women on safari trips.

The inventor says, "It certainly could be that some women will not find it to be very feminine to stand up like a man, but there is nothing especially feminine about having your pants down around your ankles squatting behind a bush." Each one comes with a little towelette for freshening up afterwards. Why hasn't someone thought of this before?

Besides, it just might solve that eternal toilet seat up or down problem.

Beware Meat Eaters!

We've seen this before. Careful with what you tell your insurance company. An insurance company in the Netherlands, Agis, may soon introduce a special health policy for vegetarians which would have lower premiums. The smoking thing started this way! Now they exile you to the outdoors regardless of the weather.

Not long before they have the meat eaters sitting in the parking lot while the vegetarians get to sit inside in comfort, not having to smell the burning flesh.

So Who Are You?

I was watching Countdown with Keith Olberman tonight when he announced that according to an IT muckety-muck there is a new blog created every second. And the average readership of a blog is exactly one. So, besides me who are you, fella?

All Goat-Fuckers to Denmark

The Animal Ethics Council in Denmark had ruled that there is no need to forbid sex with animals, large animals that is. They concluded that having sex with a large animal does not cause the animal "to suffer from being overburden", and therefore should not be outlawed. However, they recommended that sex-shows and porn involving animals be forbidden.

That reminds me of something I heard about certain Dutch personalities who refer to Muslims as "geiten neukers" which loosely means goat-fuckers. Well, they have banned the Burqa. Next, they'll be sending all Muslims to Denmark.

I Won't Be Flying with Them!

A Chinese airline, China Southern, has concluded that it's too expensive for passengers use the toilet while aircraft is in the air. So, they've decided to tell all their passengers to piss before they get on the plane. They say that each time a passenger uses the toilet that it wastes 1 liter of fuel. Now, really, I can't believe that. But, whatever the reason, I have to piss to often to be flying their (un)friendly skies.

Janis Karpinski Willing to Testify Against Rumsfeld

Former General Janis Karpinski, who administered Abu Ghraib prison during the torture there, has said she wants to testify against Rumsfeld in Germany where he faces charges of war crimes. The German Supreme Tribunal has not authorized the case to proceed, but Karpinski wants to tell her story against the "cowards" she accuses of carrying this out. She says that she saw a document with Rumsfeld's signature authorizing the tougher measures with a margin note saying "make sure this is done."

Be still my heart!

The Handicapped Ramp Down

It’s the beginning of that slow walk down the handicapped ramp into the dark. Yes, each year about this time I begin taking a slow moving escalator to – not hell – but some place similar. I begin to feel pressed for time even when I’m not. Everything turns into a chore, even when I expect to enjoy it, and every word I have to utter seems like moving a mountain. Aggravation and irritation hang around just over my shoulder, but still in my peripheral vision.

This morning’s temperature stood at about freezing, so I thought I might wear a jacket. A sports coat as we call them. I headed to the spare room closet where I keep the coat I had in mind. Right in front of the closet door proudly stands a pile of dog shit. I felt disappointed as I walked to the bathroom to retrieve a long piece of toilet paper to pick the shit up with. Back to the dog shit, I bend over to pick it up, when I realize that an uncovered part of my hand has made contact with one of the turds in question. I take it to the toilet and flush it away, then turn to the sink to wash my hands when I notice a three-quarters empty jug of Drano sitting in the sink to remind us not to use the sink while Drano does its work.

I go to the other bathroom and wash my hands. When I finish I can’t remember why I went into the spare room in the first place. Oh yeah, it’s cold out. Back to the spare room and the closet – hmm, the coat I have in mind isn’t in there. Must be in the other closet, so into another room I go and find the closet. Now, if I had remembered that the coat I wanted hung waiting for me in this closet, I’d never have to had dealt with the dog shit. Too late for that now though.

I picked up a bag of trash from upstairs to take out to the curb, because today is trash pick up day. Downstairs I set it on the table and begin the routine of taking my meds (oh yeah) with some orange juice and banana-strawberry flavored protein powder which I can’t taste. The OJ’s kinda low so I check the freezer to take a new can of OJ concentrate out, but no OJ to be found. While checking for it, I notice that the ice maker is jammed up again and not producing ice. I start to get a knife to break up the ice jam, but forget about it when I see the dog treats. Of course, the two dogs (one of who shit upstairs) eagerly await their morning Snausages. I give them their treats, and proceed to mix up my protein powder. I take my meds along with a nasal-spray steroid to “help” my sinuses (not that they could be helped).

I remembered that I have three letters to mail, but I only have $0.37 stamps. Postal rates went up a few months ago to $0.39, but it has been so long now that the machines in the Post Office aren’t selling the $0.02 make up stamps anymore. I know, because I tried to buy some last night. The letters are so late now that I don’t have time to fuck around with finding some $0.02 stamps, so I decided to just put two $0.37 stamps on each one. Only, I don’t remember where I put the stamps. I start looking around for them, and notice that the other dog has pissed on the hardwood floor that I just refinished on Sunday. I mention that to Nana who says that she’ll get it up, but she doesn’t budge from her chair. I find the stamps and put them on the letters. Nana begins telling me about what’s in the paper, I grab the bag of trash and my bag (oh yeah, it takes a lot for me), I tell Nana that the dog piss needs to be wiped up now, and I head for the door. Nana asks me where the dog piss is, and I have to comer over and turn on the light to point it out. I head for the door again, and get in the truck. I back out and head to HEB to pick up some deli meat for a retirement party today. I’m halfway to HEB when I realize that I have a bag of trash in the seat with me. Fuck! I decide to just take the trash on to work, what the hell? As I write this a bag of trash sits in my truck’s floorboard.

I get to HEB and pick up some kind of deli meat. I don’t remember now if it’s ham or turkey. I head for the check-out stand where there is only one person in front of me. I put my meat on the conveyor belt. The lady in front of me tries to pay with a debit card. The cashier tells her that the machine didn’t read the card. She swipes it again and enters her PIN again. No good. The cashier says that the lady can make it credit instead of debit, but the woman wants cash back, and I suppose you can’t do that with credit. Hell, I don’t know. The woman says she’ll write a check and starts to fish around in her purse. She then begins to tell the cashier about how she knows there’s money in her account and they have to discuss the system while I wait. Finally, the woman finishes her check. I’m paying with cash (what me with cash?) so my transaction is really quick.

I take my meat to the truck and head for work. About 10 minutes into the drive the Goddess calls me to ask if I have called the hospital about one of the many bills there. No I haven’t called them, and I don’t have their phone number with me. Neither does the Goddess. I reckon I’ll try calling Nana and have her read it to me which is pretty dicey.

I arrive at the office and head up to my desk. I check my bag for the letters, and they’re not there. I retrace my steps and I know that I didn’t mail them. I reckon that I’ll ask Nana to mail them when I call her to the the phone number of the hospital. Then, suddenly it dawns on me – the letters are in my coat pocket! Duh!

All this and it’s not even 8:30 yet. Oy vey.

The French Connection

Scientists at the Pasteur Institute in France have discovered an opioid in human saliva that is six times stronger than morphine. Hey, no wonder Rachel Ray's husband hires a hooker to spit in his face! Six times stronger, mon Dieu! They've named it Opiorfina.

Wait! I've been producing saliva for about 56 years, and I have yet to get any pain relief from swallowing my own spit. I wonder if it's just French saliva that's so wonderful. Maybe I wasn't holding my mouth right ;-)

Would You Buy a Timeshare from Bin Laden?

Well, now you can...sort of...if you qualify. See, the Bin Laden company is a construction concern in Saudi Arabia. That's how Osama made his money, I hear. Anyway, the branch of the family that doesn't live in the Afghanistan - Pakistan border region continues to build things.

Lately, they've built a skyscraper to house a four-story shopping complex and some 1240 apartments just a stone's throw (pun intended) from the Ka'aba which is Islam's holiest place. Some of the apartments will overlook the Ka'aba. The idea is to lease these apartments to muslims who come to Mecca for the Hadj.

The Hadj is a pilgrimage to Mecca that muslims who can should make at least once in their lives. Some three million people visit the city during Ramadan, and some five million during the Hadj. Wouldn't you be willing to timeshare your Persian Gulf condo for one in Mecca during the Hadj? But there's a catch, I hear that you have to be a muslim to even enter the city of Mecca, so that leaves quite a few of us out.

These Guys Make Texas Look Like a Pussy

The Chinese have finally revealed that they "harvest" organs from executed prisoners to sell on the open market. According to Amnesty International at least 1770 people were executed in 2005 in China. Some activists say that up to 10,000 people are executed each year. Also according to Amnesty there were 60 people executed in the USA in the same period. China even has mobile death chambers (MDC) that travel from city to city. I guess it works like Meals On Wheels, only it doesn't have repeat customers. Manufacturers of the MDCs say that they are much more civilized, because they use lethal injections instead of public firing squads. The makers of the death vans didn't mention that it's much easier to "recycle" the organs, because doctors are involved from the beginning.

Now as far as I know, none of the 60 executees in the USA "donated" their organs to anyone, but probably all of the executees in China did (if you can call it a donation). Think about it though, all these people on waiting lists for livers, kidneys, hearts, and so on, and here's the Chinese just providing a service to those folks. I mean, they were going to kill them anyway, why not get some benefit out of it? Besides, the executees might actually want to donate their organs, not that anyone ever asks them.

Oh, and by the way, the people that buy these "donated" organs are mostly from outside of China. In fact, most are from the USA. I guess it's just effective marketing.

Working on a Saturday?

Yeah, it's true, I'm going to work tomorrow. I've worked for my agency for 21 years and I've only worked on Saturday once before. If you multiply that out, I've worked 43,680 hours at my job (well, okay, not all of those hours were spent working). So, out of those hours I will have worked about 10 on a Saturday after tomorrow. Let's see that makes the percentage 0.00022.

Gotham City: Part VII


Friday I wanted to go back to Central Park to see more of the fall foliage. And we did, but it was pretty cold out with the wind so we didn't spend a lot of time there. We did walk around the Upper West Side and found it to be true to its reputation.

Afterwards, we took the train back to Union Square to get "a bargain" at Filene's on a woman's coat. But the Goddess couldn't find anything with a bargain price, so she didn't get anything.

We went back to Times Square to meet Kirsten for her birthday dinner. She wanted to go to the Franklin Station Cafe which is near the Franklin Station subway stop. The Cafe is a Malaysian-French place that serves huge bowls of udon noodles. I thought that udon noodles were Japanese, but what do I know?

Later we went back to the hotel and spent the rest of the night packing. And I still got stopped at the airport metal detector because I packed my Swiss Army knife in my carry-on bag.

Gotham City: Part VI


Thursday we went to Central Park to see the leaves that had changed color. And it was beautiful. We rode in one of the horse-drawn carriages thru a part of the park near the south-east corner. Later we went to The Pond to take several photos.

We walked to Rockefeller Center and shopped a little in the NBC store. They're still living off of Seinfeld and Friends. Hardly any of their other programs have any merchandise on display.

While at Rockefeller Center we decided to take the 1 train down to the Staten Island Ferry and go over to Staten Island to see what's there. The ferry trip takes about 45 minutes which is longer than I expected. We went past the Statue of Liberty both at dusk and then at night. What a sight.

We got to Staten Island, but there's not a whole lot near the ferry port. Eventually we found a diner where we ate dinner. We walked back to the ferry and timed how long it would take to go from Staten Island to our hotel in Queens. It takes one and a half hours. Hell, that's about how long it takes to drive from Austin to Waco!

Impeachment

No, that doesn't mean turning someone into a peach. It means indicting that person for a later trial to be removed from office. I have written to Nancy Pelosi urging her to rethink her step of taking impeachment "off the table" for George W before she even has taken office as the Speaker of the House. Anyway, if you'd like to send a message to your Congress Member go to the Center for Constitutional Rights.

The Center is also pursuing the prosecution of Donald Rumsfeld for torture. Let's keep the pressure on!

Gotham City: Part V


Wednesday we went to see Dave Letterman tape a program for later that night. It was the day after Halloween, and I suppose was kind of a let down. Anyway, the guests were pretty lame, but Dave and Paul were their usual funny selves.

We had to be at the theater by 3:30 in order to pick up our tickets. There was a line forming already at 3:15, so we joined in. We got our tickets and said that the Goddess had a bad knee, so they gave us "pre-seating." What that meant we didn't know, but figured it was some advantage. The staff told us to come back at 4:20 to be pre-seated. We did, and they took us into the lobby of the theater and sat us on metal folding chairs. I reckon there were about 15 to 18 of us in the pre-seating. One of the guys in pre-seating looked just like Jack Valenti. I swear! But, I figured that if he really was Jack Valenti he wouldn't be waiting in the lobby of Dave's theater, he'd be a guest! Turns out that he wasn't Jack Valenti, but Ernest from Toronto.

They took us into the theater first and sat us near the exits. I guess they wanted to get the gimps out first if there was a fire, but I got to tell you that we would have just slowed everyone down. Oh well, we didn't have to evacuate.

Then they began seating everyone else. There was a couple up front on about the third row that were probably supposed to be on the show. One of the staff was prompting them about what would happen. I noticed they the interns and staff were hand selecting people to sit around the couple, and it kind of looked random until realized that they were selecting the "pretty people" to make up the background. The everyday folks just go ushered into the rows a little further away. Hey, it's TV what do you expect?

The show was okay, and it was fun to see how they do it. At every commercial, the producer or whatever she was would huddle with other folks around Dave's desk. The warm up man would start clapping so we'd know to start too, and that the break was over, but sometimes the huddle wouldn't break up. Then, he'd wave us off and wait some more. It was odd that they seem to be writing the show on the fly, but I guess that's what they were doing.

After Dave, we went to the Stardust restaurant in Times Square. That's a place where the waiters and waitresses sing as well as take your order. We sat at a table between two other tables that weren't even six inchec from our table. A little too close for folks from Texas, I mean, hell we're used to wide open spaces.

PandaPorn


A couple of Pandas in a zoo in Thailand (male and female I presume) have lived in a cage together for four years without producing any little pandas. So, the zoo keepers will begin showing the male films of pandas mating in order to plant the seed in his mind. Hmmm...I don't know about that. Would they actually watch it? And if they did what will they think it is? Good thing they're not trying that in the neighboring country of Malaysia, because porn might get you the death penalty.

Rumsfelds Avgång Öppnar för Rättsprocesser


Yes, that's the headline from Dagens Nyheter in Sweden. What's it mean? It means something like "Rumsfeld's Leaving Opens the Way for Court Proceedings." Is that sound I hear the sound of shit hitting the fan? Can you say "war criminal"?

Does It Get Any Better Than This?

George Bush and the Republicans repudiated, Rumsfeld gets the can, Democrats control the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate. Does it get any better? Yes, it will get better when they impeach Bush and Cheney.

I'll say it now: If the Democrat controlled House of Representatives does not impeach those two criminals, I'm finished with the Democrats for good. They've acted like a bunch of pussies for the last 6 years, and if they don't get some balls soon we'll all be eunuchs!

Gotham City: Part IV


Tuesday in NYC we went to Times Square and bought tickets for the Gray Line's Downtown Loop. It starts at Times Square goes to the Empire State Building, Macy's, thru Union Square, the West Village, Soho, Little Italy, Chinatown, Wall Street, stops at Ground Zero, the UN, Waldorf Astoria, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, and probably some I forgot. The tour is a hop-on hop-off trip which means you can get off the bus at any stop and get on another bus later to continue to the next place.

We went to the top of the Empire State Building, and the Goddess actually went out onto the observation deck (she has acrophobia). She didn't stay long, but she did go out there. After that we rode thru several stops before we got off at the Southport Mall where the Goddess bought some tennis shoes. Our guide on this leg of the tour was from Brazil who speaks Portuguese, Spanish, French, English, Italian, German and a little Swedish. He's a UN interpreter. Pretty interesting guy.

After the shoe purchase we rode back thru several more stops back to Times Square. We got another bus to ride to Union Square to meet Kirsten for the Halloween Parade. We went to the end of her block to watch the parade come up 6th avenue. The crowds were heavy, and we didn't get to see a lot, but I saw a few funny get ups: A guy dressed like Jackie Kennedy in a bloody pink dress with a pink pill box hat, the "Pope" being kidnapped by two Palestinian martyrs, a "toilet" with a sign that said, "George Bush speaks, then you flush."

We even got back to the hotel in time to see the news story about the Halloween Parade.

Gotham City: Part III


Monday was the Goddess's birthday. We started out at the Sunlight Diner which is run by a couple of grouchy Greeks. The food was good and the ambience was stereotypical. Pure Queens. We took the 7 train out to Flushing, because Mayor Bloomberg suggested riding the train with the most diverse passengers in the world. I have to agree. We got off at 82nd and Roosevelt where there are dentists almost every two doors. Not only that, but it looks like a Latin American city that was picked up and put down in the middle of Queens with a little of Korean mixed in.

From there we caught a bus out to La Guardia and transferred to another bus to Astoria. We caught the N train back to the 7 and back to the hotel.

That evening we went to meet Kirsten at VH1 before going to the Broadway show Rent. That's where we met Flava Flav. Oh yeah! We ate at Frankie and Johnnie's restaurant. Steak mostly. We all enjoyed the show, and afterward went to Junior's where cheesecake is king.

Gotham City: Part II

Montague Street
Sunday we met Kirsten at her apartment and went to eat at French Roast. It's a cafe in Greenwich Village that is a quaint sort of European restaurant. We had a very good breakfast, then headed for the subway and Brooklyn.

The sun was bright, but it was cold and windy. The wind blew up to about 40 mph and right thru almost everything we had on. We went to the Transit Museum which is near Borough Square. The museum has lots of good exhibits, but the ones I liked the best were the old subway cars. The oldest ones are from around the beginning of the 1900s. They all have the original ads up above the seats.

After the museum we headed over to Montague Street, a sort of restaurant row in an old but gentrified part of Brooklyn. We ate at Armando's which is an Italian restaurant. The food was great and not any more expensive than the same dish would be here in Austin.

We rode the subway back to Manhattan and Union Square. I brought my suit to wear to Rent, but I forgot a tie. We stopped at Filene's Basement which is actually two stories above street level. I bought a tie, and the Goddess bought a feather pillow (the hotel pillows lacked suitability).

We started back to the hotel thinking it was kind of late because the sky was dark. I checked the time once we sat down on the subway and it was only 6:30. Whatever the latitude is there, the night comes on faster than we're used to.

If Only George W. Would Follow Suit


"I am a deceiver and a liar."

Gotham City: Part I


We arrived at JFK on time or a little early. I had made prepaid reservations with the SuperShuttle to take us to our hotel in Queens. I called them from the special phone near the C4 baggage carrousel. The guy that answered said give me about 30 minutes. After more than 30 minutes I called back and he said the driver was at T4 and it would be about 10 minutes. Later, I concluded that T6 is where we were waiting. Anyway, the driver showed up. He said, "You're going to La Quinta in Manhattan, right?" I answered, "No, Queens." The driver muttered with exasperation, "Oh my God!" He asked if I knew the address, and I gave him the print-out of our confirmation. He called his dispatcher to get directions.

We stopped at some of the other terminals and picked up more passengers. Some of them were a family from Germany. I talked to the mom a little bit. Her English and my German were about equal (meaning pretty bad), but I explained we were visiting my daughter.

We drove for a long time and then I realized we had arrived in the general vicinity of the hotel. I called my daughter who had come over to the hotel to meet us. She was already there, and said, "Oh yeah, you're just around the corner." The driver didn't know that of course, and he turned the wrong way. It turns out we went about 40 blocks in the wrong direction before he called his dispatcher. He turned around and headed in the right, went past the hotel, and had to turn around to come back. Okay, it took about twice the amount of time it should have.

By this time we were starving, so the three of us went to eat at Vicky Punjabi Haandi and had tandoori chicken. Later we rode the subway over to Manhattan, walked around Union Square, and saw Kirsten's apartment. Later, we rode the N to Queensborough Plaza and switched to the 7 to get to our stop at 40th and Queens Blvd.

Cultural Learnings of America


Borat! Borat! Oh, yeah! Glorious Benefit for Kazakh Nation! $26.4 million? I feel this country big love.

Back to Laid Back


We're back in Austin. Got here just a few hours ago. Austin has the reputation as a laid back kind of place, and it's well deserved. New York has a reputation as exactly the opposite of laid back. What would that be...leaned forward? I don't know, but it's well deserved too. It's a great place, but I have to admit that by Thursday the incessant noise and unending crowds started to get on my nerves. I'll write up more of exactly what we saw and did, just not right now. I'm too tired.

Dave's Show

Well, I hope you don't stay up tonite (or didn't stay up last nite depending on when you read this). The show was pretty lame. Gary Sinise, JoAnn Carson, and Jim Norton. JoAnn Carson is the first ex-wife of Johnny Carson. Not so good. Gary Sinise is pretty lame all the time. Jim Norton is a stand-up comic, and he's pretty good.

Dave and Paul were good, and so was the band. They didn't even ask me to come up on the stage and tell them about Flava Flav. Doesn't matter that I didn't tell them, they should've known. I tell ya, the air's pretty thin up here ;-)

Tomorrow I think we're going to Central Park, because the leaves have turned. It should be really great.

I Have Reached the Summit!


Yes, it's us and Flava Flav. Funny how you just run into these folks. Actually, the Goddess and I were visiting my daughter at her office at VH1, when Flava and his entourage showed up for a "meet and greet." So, we greeted and meeted. Yes, that's a Viagra jacket he's wearing. Oh my!

We're still in NYC. Last night we went to see Rent. It was very good. Today we took a tour of Downtown Manhattan, and saw all the requisite sites. This place really is the Capital of the World. So far, I've had the opportunity to speak English, German, Spanish, French, and Portuguese (or at least a reasonable facsimile). By the way, Flava speaks English.

Dave Letterman's Show


The Goddess and I travel to NYC on Saturday. We'll be visiting our daughter there. There's a lot we want to do, and today we found out that we've got tickets to see The Late Show with Dave on Wednesday night November 1.

To get in you have to prove your identity (they suggested a passport), and you have to pick up the tickets yourself. No one can pick them up for you. Then you probably have to take your shoes off, go thru a metal detector, and be interviewed. It might be easier to get on an airplane. Oh well, it ought to be fun.

That's Enough to Make You Want to Commit Suicide


Mary Carey, pornstar and Gubernatorial candidate, has dropped out of the race to be with her mother who tried to kill herself in September. Now, it wouldn't have been because her daughter was a pornstar. No, she's been a pornstar for a long time. It must have been because her daughter had become a Republican politician. I sympathize.

What Do Benin, Bolivia, and Bosnia-Herzegovina Have in Common?

Besides all of their names starting with a "B"? By the way, Benin is a little country in western Africa, Bolivia is a very poor country in the highlands of South America, and well, Bosnia is where they had ethnic cleansing. What do they have in common? They all rank higher on the press freedom ranking than the USA according to Reporters without Borders. Yep, we're tied for number 53 along with (get this) Botswana, Croatia, and Tonga. You remember Botswana don't you? That's the country that had the highest percentage of AIDS in the world in 2001. How about Croatia? Well, besides siding with the Nazis in WWII they also have an affinity for ethnic cleansing. Tonga? Hell, who knows anything about Tonga? We all know one thing about Tonga - they have the same press freedoms that we do. Oh my God! Does the word impeachment ring a bell?

Which Part of "Arrogance and Stupidity" Did He Mean?


Alberto Fernández, a senior US diplomat, said in an interview on Al-Jazeera Saturday, that "there was arrogance and stupidity" on the part of the US regarding Iraq.

Now, he has retracted his statement. He says, "those words do not reflect my opinion nor that of the State Department." Uh, yeah right! You don't choose words like that by mistake. You especially don't if you're a diplomat. No, I think he did mean exactly what he said.

Mr. Fernández says that after he read the translation of his appearance on Al-Jazeera that he "realized that I had spoken mistakenly when I used the phrase 'there was arrogance and stupidity.'"

At first the State Department said that there must have been an error in the translation, but later had to admit that what was wrong wasn't the translation. Mr. Fernández even reiterated his statement on CNN when asked about it that same day. He said, "nothing I said is a revelation." Well, that was then, this is now.

I think I would recant too, if I had a hot poker shoved up my ass! You know something like that happened.

¿No Tenemos Suficientes?


Dicen que Kate Moss está embarazada. ¿De quién? Pues, de su novio por supuesto, Pete Doherty. Pero...¿es que no tenemos bastantes modelos y drogadictos ya? ¡Que Dios lo/nos proteja!

Are They Going to Draft Them?


Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of Almere in the Netherlands, has proposed that the army send prostitutes along with the troops where they are serving overseas. She says this would do away with "sexual tension" between male and female troops. Sounds like a pretty good idea, and it would give new meaning to the words "camp follower." But, how are they going to get the hookers to agree? Conscription? And would the army pay them by contract, or by "piece work"? Just wondering.

I'd Give My Left Nut...


That's what we used to say back when I was younger. We said it in the context of doing something that we very much wanted to do. For example, I'd give my left nut to have her...well, you know what I mean. But, would you have your left nut nailed to a roof just to keep your balance? Maybe, if it meant not fall off.

August Voegl of Austria did just that, only it was an accident. He was repairing a roof with a nail gun in his hand, when he lost his balance and accidentally shot a nail thru his left nut. But, that's not all. He actually nailed (ahem) "himself" to the roof. He had to stay that way until an ambulance arrived.

Borat


The Deputy Foreign Minister of Kazakhstan has invited Borat to come visit. Rakhat Aliev invited Sasha Cohen to visit Kazakhstan to see that "women can drive cars, wine is made from grapes, and that Jews are completely free to go to the synagogue." He claims that it's smarter to invite Borat to come visit than to try to sue him. It would just make Kazakhstan look worse, and Borat better.

Mob Justice

Just some advice...don't go to Oaxaca and piss anybody off. It turns out that the huge "plantón" (sort of an occupation of the main square) in Oaxaca has taken to handling matters of justice. See, the whole city (and some other towns) are completely ungovernable. The Governor has authority in name only, and the striking teachers are demanding that he be removed by the federal government or that he resign. He won´t. Anyway, in the meantime regular crimes happen, so the "population" has taken to dishing out its own justice. From El Universal:

En las primeras horas del miércoles varios sujetos fueron detenidos por la población que se hizo justicia por su propia mano, debido a la falta de seguridad. Juan Cruz Vázquez, un presunto violador, y otro individuo, al parecer asaltante, fueron amarrados a un poste y exhibidos en la vía pública.

The Spanish says: "In the early hours of Wednesday various subjects were detainted by the people who carried out their own form of justice, due to the lack of security. Juan Cruz Vázquez, an alleged rapist, and another individual, suspected of assault, were tied to a post and exhibited in public."

Sounds like what the Pilgrims used to do to lawbreakers back in colonial days.

Hey, I Know That Guy!


British researchers foresee that humans will evolve to be taller and to live 120 years. But, we will also divide into two genetic classes: the genetic elite, and the genetic underclass. They also think we'll get larger heads and bigger dicks.

Oh, So That's What Happened!


All day yesterday I felt a little nauseous. I couldn't figure out why exactly. I reckoned I had taken my "meds" on an empty stomach which can make me feel bad. I had a little to eat and began to feel better. Then later, I felt weird. That's the only word that fits - weird. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't all that good either. My stomach felt bloated and hurt like when you eat too much.

This morning I woke up and felt much better. I went downstairs, got out my pill organizer (yes, it takes a lot for me), and realized that I had taken Thursday's and today's meds yesterday. I've never done that before. I've forgotten to take them at all before, but never taken a double dose. No wonder I felt bad...Duh!

Oaxaca: Now They're Shooting at Each Other

There was a shootout yesterday in Oaxaca. It was the "radicals" against the "moderates." Isn't that always the case? A group of people comes together to achieve something, and before they accomplish it, they wind up warring with each other. Whenever the parties (APPO, Governor, Federal Gov.) come close to an agreement, radicals stir something up to short-circuit the pact. But, the radicals don't attack the opposition, they attack their own party.

It happens over and over - Sunni against Sunni, Shia against Shia, Republicans against Republicans - one side will settle for nothing less than complete humiliation of the opposition, and the other feels willing to negotiate. We sure are a strange species!

An Insult to Hitler?


Kevin Barret, an instructor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, has a membership in the Scholars for 9/11 Truth. He believes that the US Government attacked the World Trade Center and Pentagon on 9-11. He says that it follows the pattern that the Nazis carried out by the burning of the Reichstag. The Nazis had it done so that they could blame it on the Communists. Barret says it was a key to establishing the Nazi dictatorship. Many blame his of likening Bush to Hitler. His reply:

That's not comparing them as people, that's comparing the Reichstag fire to the demolition of the World Trade Center, and that's an accurate comparison that I would stand by. Hitler had a good 20 to 30 IQ points on Bush, so comparing Bush to Hitler would in many ways be an insult to Hitler.

This guy has a way with words doesn't he?

Death by Hoe

No, not ho! It's hoe, you know, like the agricultural tool. A Bulgarian woman killed one of her sons by beating him to death with a hoe back in April of 2005. The court convicted her of murder and sentenced her to 29 years in prison.

Just last month her doctors discovered that the had untreatable cancer and that she had a very short time to live. The authorities decided to release her from prison, so that she could go home and make the best of the time she had left with her husband and other son. Well, she promptly went home and beat her husband to death.

She's back in jail now awaiting trial for killing her husband. She has threatened to kill her other son, if they let her out again. That's why here in Texas we kill 'em before we let 'em out of prison.

New Cure for Hiccups


According to Francis Fesmire, the way to cure hiccups is thru anal massage. What?! In fact she has won the Ig-Nobel Prize for Medicine with her work. Doctor Fesmire had the idea of anus massage when a man came to her clinic with the hiccups. He had been afflicted with 30 hiccups per hour for the past 72 hours, and had tried all the home remedies you can think of. Looks like he didn't think of anal massage, but who would?

The doctor remembered that she had heard that anal massage could make a racing heart slow down, so she decided to try the same thing with hiccups. It worked. But, in spite of winning the Ig-Nobel she now tells patients to have sex that ends with an orgasm and the hiccup cure.

So, how do you go about getting the hiccups?

A Sigh of Relief


The Pope gave a mass, and chose not to make any announcement about the abolition of Limbo (see previous post). So, for the time being, all those angels and whatever that watch over the denizens of Limbo still have a job. Many observers thought that the Pope would announce the closing of Limbo and the lay-off of all those angels during his mass.

The Italian Archbishop Bruno Forte said that the commission is still working on the last draft, and that it wouldn't be out until 2007. Whew! They won't be filing for Unemployment Insurance any time soon. Besides, what would we do for fun at parties without it?

Why Not, Indeed?


Kinky Friedman has gone international! Not only is he running for Governor of Texas (I'm voting for him by the way), he's getting press coverage in the Netherlands. He has some pretty weird position on things that I don't exactly agree with, but hell, don't they all? Besides, he's a fringe candidate, and I like that about him. I love the way his fringe jackets look ;-)

Kinky is my kind of Governor. He doesn't take things too seriously, and God knows we could use some of that around here. As far as I know, he's never sent an IM to a 16 year old page even though his name is Kinky. One of his bumper stickers says, "He Ain't Kinky, He's My Governor."

All Power to the Soviets!


Right, that's close to 100 years old, but something similar is happening in Oaxaca, Mexico. It has reached the point that many observers feel the end will be violence by the military, matched by violence from the people. The Asamblea Popular de los Pueblos de Oaxaca (APPO) has grown to about 800,000 people who are manning barricades, making home-made bombs, and willing to fight. What do they want? They want the Governor of Oaxaca removed from office for abuse of authority. They just might get it, too! The have made the whole state of Oaxaca essentially ungovernable.

It all started with a teachers' strike which the Governor tried to break up with police. The authorities attacked the "plantón" which is an encampment on the zócalo (main plaza) in the center of Oaxaca. The result was several injuries and the beginning of the whole confrontation. Thia has gone on since June, 2006. The plantón still occupies the zócalo and the city is in the control of APPO. The Governor of Oaxaca and the President of Mexico have made gestures toward using military force against APPO, but so far haven't.

The Goddess and I have been to Oaxaca, Oaxaca (the capital city of the State of Oaxaca), and it's a beautiful and friendly place. It's a shame that the folks there had to resort to this, but I believe they are probably justified. Stay tuned, it's bound to be dramatic.

Silicone Breasts a Lifesaver


A 24 year old Bulgarian woman had a traffic accident at one of the major intersections in the city of Ruse. She ran a red light and crashed into another car. But, she survived because her breast implants acted as air bags. The problem is that she can't afford to buy a new car, or new breast implants. New breast implants? Yeah, the ones that saved her life blew up as they cushioned the impact.

Mission Accomplished?



From El Universal website today in history:
1941.- Adolfo Hitler anuncia en la Segunda Guerra Mundial que la Unión Soviética ha sido derrotada por Alemania.

Great news for George w. He's not the first one to declare victory only to be defeated later. On this day in 1941 Adolph Hitler declared victory over the USSR. A mere 4 years later he killed himself rather than be taken prisoner by Soviet troops. Ironic?

But What About All Those Employees?

The Vatican has announced that it will discuss the possible "disappearance" of Limbo. Limbo is that place that babies go to when they die without having committed any sin. They go to Limbo because even though they haven't sinned themselves, they nonetheless have original sin. So, that state of being in limbo is about to be no more.

Since I work in unemployment, I'm worried about all those laid-off angels or whatever they are that are losing their jobs. I mean where's the compassion in that? The Cardinals are probably just saying that they're going to do away with it, because the Vatican doesn't want to be caught out-sourcing all that work to India. Think about it...would you want your loved one to be watched over by contract workers?

Volleyball Diplomacy

At the US - Mexico border in California, there's a 20 ft high fence. Some Americans happened upon the idea of using the fence as a volleyball net. They got going with a pick-up game of some guys on the Mexican side. Now, that's the thing to do with that wall Congress seems determined to build.

Borat at the White House


Borat wanted to invite "Premier George Walter Bush" to the opening of his new movie, but the Secret Service at the White House ran him off before he had the chance to speak to the "Premier." I suspect that George W. could really gain from watching Borat's movie, because it would help him learn to speak English better.

I Knew It! I Knew It!


At an elementary school in Sweden the boys must sit down to pee. Yeah, I knew it would come to this! Women would demand it, and not be happy until we're all sitting to pee and drinking flavored coffee with our legs crossed at the knee. God help us! Have we men ever demanded that women stand up to pee, or demand that they raise the toilet seat? Well, it's about time we did, by God! We can't just take this sitting down. Not at all. In retaliation, let's men start standing up shit. That'll teach 'em!

It's Just an Act

All that supposed sex those vikings have in wild orgies, blah, blah, blah. Uh...no...It's not the case at all. In a survey done by a German research group, Danish women have the least sex of women from 14 countries in Europe. Close behind are the Swedes and Norwegians. Yeah, yeah, all that so called permissive society, porn, legal prostitutes, and so forth. Well, this should put the lie to that!

However, the survey didn't question the viking men. Maybe they're all down in Italy where the women have the most sex.

Is He Dead Yet?

If he is, it would be of "natural" causes. The French newspaper L'Est Republicain reports today the French Intelligence, DGSE, had leaked a story that Osama Bin Laden has died from typhus. In a report dated September 21 the intelligence agency claimed that Bin Laden died in Pakistan. Pakistani authorities said they know nothing of the story. American authorities say that the report has not been confirmed. Jacques Chirac says that he is "surprised" by the story.

Well, I'm not. How many times is this guy gonna die?

Where I Spend Much of My Time


Sad but true. I'm getting old enough that I spend a lot of time at the urinal. I have actually spent a lot of time there for years, because of medication, but it's gettin' worse.

Whose Credibility?


The President, George W., said at the United Nations today that the "credibility of the United Nations is at stake" regarding Dafur. Uh...Whose credibility? Oh...okay...I forgot, he's already lost his.

Talk Like a Pirate Day


Yes, there is an official Talk Like a Pirate Day with an official website. September 19th each year happens to be the day. Mark your calendars.

Nobody Told Us!


From the Austin American Statesman online:

Monday, September 18, 2006, 02:51 PM

The Texas state Capitol had been evacuated this afternoon after authorities received a threat that a bomb had been placed in an underground garage, DPS officials said.

Shortly after 3 p.m., authorities gave the all-clear, and allowed workers back inside the building.

We didn't get the word even though we are part of the "Capitol Complex." However, we did see the employees lounging around out by the Law Enforcement monument. The underground parking in question has its entrance directly in front of the building I work in. What's the deal? I want to get out of here like anyone else does.

Grand Mufti of Srebrenica Invites Pope


Now, this is an interesting take on things. Instead of killing Christians and burning churches like has happened in Palestine, the Grand Mufti of Srebrenica has invited Pope Benedict XVI to come and see the place where 8000 Muslims were slaughtered by Christians in 1995. No, that's not 1295, that's 1995, just 11 years ago. Point made!

Strike That Place from My Itinerary

Tribal leaders in Western India discovered about 1500 kgs of rice missing from a local school. They were unable to find out who was the thief, so they decided make all the men in the village undergo a proof test. Each one is supposed to pluck a ring out of a pot of boiling oil. The police arrested five of the tribal leaders, because they didn't have authority to order that kind of thing. Think the tribal leaders were the ones who did it?

Hmmm...that would be a pretty good trick wouldn't it? Steal the rice, and then order everyone else in the town to stick their hand in boiling oil to find out who did it. You'd have plenty of confessions that way.

Thou Protesteth Too Much


The Pope has insulted Islam. So what? Isn't that what Popes are supposed to do, for God's sake? Besides, some old homo in a white dress says something you don't like, who cares? The guy and his church are irrelevant nowadays anyway.

But, before letting it all drop away, let's think about what he said. He quoted some other old homo in a white dress from about 800 years ago. The second old homo in a white dress said all that Muhammed ever added to religion was the sword and forced conversion. First of all, that's not true. But, that's not the point. The point is that the current Pope offended Muslims by saying that they are part of a violent religion. So, what does he get for his trouble? Death threats. Makes you think he was right, doesn't it?

He's Lookin' Like a Jihadist By Now

Gary Widdle of Ephrata, Washington forgot to shave on September 11, 2001 because of the shocking news of the day. Later that week he decided that he wouldn't shave until Bin Laden was dead or captured. Well, now he's looking more like Bin Laden himself. They say his beard is 30 cm (about 1 foot) by now. Is this guy ever going to shave again, Mr. President? I mean, really, ever shave again?

He's the Axman, Yea-h, He's the Axma-an


A man armed with an ax and a slingshot has taken over Norrbro (which is a bridge, I believe) in Sweden near the Parliament building. He is threatening to kill himself, no not with the ax, by jumping off of the bridge with a rope tied around his neck.

Ohio State No. 1

They beat us, and that did it convincingly. 24-7. Well, they got their revenge for last year's loss. It wasn't really close after early in the 2nd period. I don't know where that puts Texas in the rankings, but I know where it puts OSU!