Borat at the White House


Borat wanted to invite "Premier George Walter Bush" to the opening of his new movie, but the Secret Service at the White House ran him off before he had the chance to speak to the "Premier." I suspect that George W. could really gain from watching Borat's movie, because it would help him learn to speak English better.

I Knew It! I Knew It!


At an elementary school in Sweden the boys must sit down to pee. Yeah, I knew it would come to this! Women would demand it, and not be happy until we're all sitting to pee and drinking flavored coffee with our legs crossed at the knee. God help us! Have we men ever demanded that women stand up to pee, or demand that they raise the toilet seat? Well, it's about time we did, by God! We can't just take this sitting down. Not at all. In retaliation, let's men start standing up shit. That'll teach 'em!

It's Just an Act

All that supposed sex those vikings have in wild orgies, blah, blah, blah. Uh...no...It's not the case at all. In a survey done by a German research group, Danish women have the least sex of women from 14 countries in Europe. Close behind are the Swedes and Norwegians. Yeah, yeah, all that so called permissive society, porn, legal prostitutes, and so forth. Well, this should put the lie to that!

However, the survey didn't question the viking men. Maybe they're all down in Italy where the women have the most sex.

Is He Dead Yet?

If he is, it would be of "natural" causes. The French newspaper L'Est Republicain reports today the French Intelligence, DGSE, had leaked a story that Osama Bin Laden has died from typhus. In a report dated September 21 the intelligence agency claimed that Bin Laden died in Pakistan. Pakistani authorities said they know nothing of the story. American authorities say that the report has not been confirmed. Jacques Chirac says that he is "surprised" by the story.

Well, I'm not. How many times is this guy gonna die?

Where I Spend Much of My Time


Sad but true. I'm getting old enough that I spend a lot of time at the urinal. I have actually spent a lot of time there for years, because of medication, but it's gettin' worse.

Whose Credibility?


The President, George W., said at the United Nations today that the "credibility of the United Nations is at stake" regarding Dafur. Uh...Whose credibility? Oh...okay...I forgot, he's already lost his.

Talk Like a Pirate Day


Yes, there is an official Talk Like a Pirate Day with an official website. September 19th each year happens to be the day. Mark your calendars.

Nobody Told Us!


From the Austin American Statesman online:

Monday, September 18, 2006, 02:51 PM

The Texas state Capitol had been evacuated this afternoon after authorities received a threat that a bomb had been placed in an underground garage, DPS officials said.

Shortly after 3 p.m., authorities gave the all-clear, and allowed workers back inside the building.

We didn't get the word even though we are part of the "Capitol Complex." However, we did see the employees lounging around out by the Law Enforcement monument. The underground parking in question has its entrance directly in front of the building I work in. What's the deal? I want to get out of here like anyone else does.

Grand Mufti of Srebrenica Invites Pope


Now, this is an interesting take on things. Instead of killing Christians and burning churches like has happened in Palestine, the Grand Mufti of Srebrenica has invited Pope Benedict XVI to come and see the place where 8000 Muslims were slaughtered by Christians in 1995. No, that's not 1295, that's 1995, just 11 years ago. Point made!

Strike That Place from My Itinerary

Tribal leaders in Western India discovered about 1500 kgs of rice missing from a local school. They were unable to find out who was the thief, so they decided make all the men in the village undergo a proof test. Each one is supposed to pluck a ring out of a pot of boiling oil. The police arrested five of the tribal leaders, because they didn't have authority to order that kind of thing. Think the tribal leaders were the ones who did it?

Hmmm...that would be a pretty good trick wouldn't it? Steal the rice, and then order everyone else in the town to stick their hand in boiling oil to find out who did it. You'd have plenty of confessions that way.

Thou Protesteth Too Much


The Pope has insulted Islam. So what? Isn't that what Popes are supposed to do, for God's sake? Besides, some old homo in a white dress says something you don't like, who cares? The guy and his church are irrelevant nowadays anyway.

But, before letting it all drop away, let's think about what he said. He quoted some other old homo in a white dress from about 800 years ago. The second old homo in a white dress said all that Muhammed ever added to religion was the sword and forced conversion. First of all, that's not true. But, that's not the point. The point is that the current Pope offended Muslims by saying that they are part of a violent religion. So, what does he get for his trouble? Death threats. Makes you think he was right, doesn't it?

He's Lookin' Like a Jihadist By Now

Gary Widdle of Ephrata, Washington forgot to shave on September 11, 2001 because of the shocking news of the day. Later that week he decided that he wouldn't shave until Bin Laden was dead or captured. Well, now he's looking more like Bin Laden himself. They say his beard is 30 cm (about 1 foot) by now. Is this guy ever going to shave again, Mr. President? I mean, really, ever shave again?

He's the Axman, Yea-h, He's the Axma-an


A man armed with an ax and a slingshot has taken over Norrbro (which is a bridge, I believe) in Sweden near the Parliament building. He is threatening to kill himself, no not with the ax, by jumping off of the bridge with a rope tied around his neck.

Ohio State No. 1

They beat us, and that did it convincingly. 24-7. Well, they got their revenge for last year's loss. It wasn't really close after early in the 2nd period. I don't know where that puts Texas in the rankings, but I know where it puts OSU!

Drug Use Among Youth Declines


But, their grandparents are using more! According to the Department of Health, in the U.S. drug use among 12 - 17 year olds fell while it went up for 50 - 59 year olds. In fact it went up more than ever. What's that tell ya? Hey, it's hard getting old!

Texas vs Ohio State


Tomorrow evening the University of Texas will play Ohio State University in Royal Memorial Stadium in Austin. That's more than 24 hours from now, but the streets here in Central Austin are already packed with traffic and tailgaters. Yes, the OSU alumni association has leased the entire Erwin Center. I said the entire Erwin Center. It's not unusual for visiting schools' alumni associations to rent part of the Erwin Center, like some meeting rooms. No, OSU has leased the whole sheebang. This is the arena that hosts all UT basket ball games, and virtually all of the big events in Austin. For example, George Strait, The Dixie Chicks, WWE, The World Combat League, Barnum & Bailey Ringling Brothers Circus and others appear in the Erwin Center. Seating in the arena has a capacity of 16,755 which is the largest in the Big 12.

OSU is ranked No. 1 in polls, while UT is ranked No. 2. UT is the defending National Champion, and beat OSU last year in Columbus on the way to the championship. For those who don't know, OSU does not lose football games at home. They will have revenge on their minds with their eyes on a National Championship. It's No. 1 vs No.2 in Austin. As if that's not bad enough, it's the two largest colleges in the nation as well. A few years ago UT passed OSU as the largest university in the country. Lots of ways to describe this one, but suffice it to say, this is the biggest thing to hit Austin since...well, I can't think of anything bigger.

Here I am in Downtown Austin surrounded by cars and tailgaters with traffic described as horrible trying to figure a way out of here. I usually leave at 5:30 and get home between 6:15 and 6:45. Tonight I'm hoping to get home before 8:00. And that may be wildly optimistic.

Hook 'em Horns!

Riding the Metro in Mexico City Can Be...

Fun? Not fun? Shameful? Hard to say. Just look at this quote from a young student in Mexico City:

"Hace unos meses iba a la facultad. A veces el Metro se para un rato por razones desconocidas. Esa mañana ya se me había hecho bastante tarde y estaba muy nervioso. El Metro se detuvo en Insurgentes por más de un cuarto de hora. Iba repleto, el calor era insoportable, y de repente sentí que una mano bajaba el cierre −la cremallera− de mi pantalón. Acto seguido, alguien sacó mi pene de su guarida. Me sorprendió tanto el asalto que me excité enseguida. Se me puso dura en cuestión de segundos y para mayor sorpresa, la mano misteriosa me hizo una chaqueta −paja− rítmica y plácidamente. Me vine rápidamente. Más de lo normal. No sé si me enorgullece o me avergüenza, pero es una de las veces que más rápido he eyaculado. He de decir que en el pasado me han metido mano en el Metro muchas veces, pero nunca con tanto descaro."

Translation: A few months ago I was going to school. Sometimes the Metro stops for a short time for reason unknown. That morning I was already running late and I was very nervous. The Metro stopped at Insurgentes for more than 15 minutes. It was completely full, the heat was unbearable, and suddenly I felt a hand lower the fly - the zipper - on my pants. Right away, someone pulled my penis out of it's hiding place. It surprised me so much that I became excited right away. I got hard within seconds and an even bigger surprise, the mysterious hand began to jack me off rhythmically and slowly. I came quickly. More than normal. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it is one of the fastest times I've ejaculated. I must admit that in the past many times I've had a hand grab me, but never with such lack of shame.

Celebrities More Smitten with Themselves than Average

A study conducted at USC by Drew Pinsky and Mark S Young determined that celebrities have more narcissistic tendencies than the average person. They learned that it's not the fame and bright lights that make people become narcissists, it's that narcissists seek out fame and bright lights.

Another finding shows that celebrity women are more in love with themselves than their male colleagues. So, what does that say about "Stupid Girls" by Pink? Hell, what does it say about Pink?

They Threw Five Heads on the Dancefloor


Human heads - Yes, five human heads thrown onto the dancefloor at a bar in Mexico. Now, I've heard of the band trying to entice people onto the dancefloor, but I don't think this tactic is gonna work very well.

Acutally, it appears to be the result of the ongoing drug war taking place down there. Authorities have arrested several drug lords lately, and that has set off an even more widespread drug war.

The "note" left with the heads said, "The family doesn't kill women, doesn't kill innocents. Only those die who should die. Everybody knows that. This is divine justice."

Symbolism - But for Which One?


Deric Gendron had a hell of a wedding night. Police arrested him not once, but twice. The first time, he had been fighting (physically) with members of the wedding party, and when police arrived his tuxedo shirt was in tatters. A family member paid his bail of $140, whereupon he quickly broke a restraining order that his bride had placed on him. Back to jail, this time without bail.

So, he spent his wedding night in jail. Sounds like a metaphor for the entire relationship, but which one is really the one in jail?