Drug Use Among Youth Declines


But, their grandparents are using more! According to the Department of Health, in the U.S. drug use among 12 - 17 year olds fell while it went up for 50 - 59 year olds. In fact it went up more than ever. What's that tell ya? Hey, it's hard getting old!

Texas vs Ohio State


Tomorrow evening the University of Texas will play Ohio State University in Royal Memorial Stadium in Austin. That's more than 24 hours from now, but the streets here in Central Austin are already packed with traffic and tailgaters. Yes, the OSU alumni association has leased the entire Erwin Center. I said the entire Erwin Center. It's not unusual for visiting schools' alumni associations to rent part of the Erwin Center, like some meeting rooms. No, OSU has leased the whole sheebang. This is the arena that hosts all UT basket ball games, and virtually all of the big events in Austin. For example, George Strait, The Dixie Chicks, WWE, The World Combat League, Barnum & Bailey Ringling Brothers Circus and others appear in the Erwin Center. Seating in the arena has a capacity of 16,755 which is the largest in the Big 12.

OSU is ranked No. 1 in polls, while UT is ranked No. 2. UT is the defending National Champion, and beat OSU last year in Columbus on the way to the championship. For those who don't know, OSU does not lose football games at home. They will have revenge on their minds with their eyes on a National Championship. It's No. 1 vs No.2 in Austin. As if that's not bad enough, it's the two largest colleges in the nation as well. A few years ago UT passed OSU as the largest university in the country. Lots of ways to describe this one, but suffice it to say, this is the biggest thing to hit Austin since...well, I can't think of anything bigger.

Here I am in Downtown Austin surrounded by cars and tailgaters with traffic described as horrible trying to figure a way out of here. I usually leave at 5:30 and get home between 6:15 and 6:45. Tonight I'm hoping to get home before 8:00. And that may be wildly optimistic.

Hook 'em Horns!

Riding the Metro in Mexico City Can Be...

Fun? Not fun? Shameful? Hard to say. Just look at this quote from a young student in Mexico City:

"Hace unos meses iba a la facultad. A veces el Metro se para un rato por razones desconocidas. Esa mañana ya se me había hecho bastante tarde y estaba muy nervioso. El Metro se detuvo en Insurgentes por más de un cuarto de hora. Iba repleto, el calor era insoportable, y de repente sentí que una mano bajaba el cierre −la cremallera− de mi pantalón. Acto seguido, alguien sacó mi pene de su guarida. Me sorprendió tanto el asalto que me excité enseguida. Se me puso dura en cuestión de segundos y para mayor sorpresa, la mano misteriosa me hizo una chaqueta −paja− rítmica y plácidamente. Me vine rápidamente. Más de lo normal. No sé si me enorgullece o me avergüenza, pero es una de las veces que más rápido he eyaculado. He de decir que en el pasado me han metido mano en el Metro muchas veces, pero nunca con tanto descaro."

Translation: A few months ago I was going to school. Sometimes the Metro stops for a short time for reason unknown. That morning I was already running late and I was very nervous. The Metro stopped at Insurgentes for more than 15 minutes. It was completely full, the heat was unbearable, and suddenly I felt a hand lower the fly - the zipper - on my pants. Right away, someone pulled my penis out of it's hiding place. It surprised me so much that I became excited right away. I got hard within seconds and an even bigger surprise, the mysterious hand began to jack me off rhythmically and slowly. I came quickly. More than normal. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it is one of the fastest times I've ejaculated. I must admit that in the past many times I've had a hand grab me, but never with such lack of shame.

Celebrities More Smitten with Themselves than Average

A study conducted at USC by Drew Pinsky and Mark S Young determined that celebrities have more narcissistic tendencies than the average person. They learned that it's not the fame and bright lights that make people become narcissists, it's that narcissists seek out fame and bright lights.

Another finding shows that celebrity women are more in love with themselves than their male colleagues. So, what does that say about "Stupid Girls" by Pink? Hell, what does it say about Pink?

They Threw Five Heads on the Dancefloor


Human heads - Yes, five human heads thrown onto the dancefloor at a bar in Mexico. Now, I've heard of the band trying to entice people onto the dancefloor, but I don't think this tactic is gonna work very well.

Acutally, it appears to be the result of the ongoing drug war taking place down there. Authorities have arrested several drug lords lately, and that has set off an even more widespread drug war.

The "note" left with the heads said, "The family doesn't kill women, doesn't kill innocents. Only those die who should die. Everybody knows that. This is divine justice."

Symbolism - But for Which One?


Deric Gendron had a hell of a wedding night. Police arrested him not once, but twice. The first time, he had been fighting (physically) with members of the wedding party, and when police arrived his tuxedo shirt was in tatters. A family member paid his bail of $140, whereupon he quickly broke a restraining order that his bride had placed on him. Back to jail, this time without bail.

So, he spent his wedding night in jail. Sounds like a metaphor for the entire relationship, but which one is really the one in jail?

This Guy Is Good!

Make room PGA Tour players, Kim Jong Il is coming to town. North Korea has contracted with a South Korean company to build a luxury vacation resort in North Korean territory for foreign customers. Primarily they have South Koreans in mind as their customers. The resort will include a golf course.

Kim Jong Il reportedly hit the golf ball quite well. In fact, according to North Korean media, Kim made eleven holes-in-one during the first round of golf he ever played in his life. Look out, Tiger!

Nellie Outlived 'Em All


Nellie Connally rode in the limousine as Lee Harvey Oswald (and others?) shot JFK. Most believe he died on the way to the hospital. Nellie's husband, John, was the Governor of Texas (and a Democrat), and therefore they went along with JFK and Jackie. John received a wound that day from the so-called "magic bullet" that passed through JFK's neck then into John's back only to emerge and lodge into his wrist. The other three occupants all died before Nellie, who also passed away on Friday.

Her husband later changed parties and became a Republican. He made a short-lived run for President before the 1980 election. During the primary campaign he made what I consider to be one of the best quotes ever in American political history. When asked about the recent disaster at the Three Mile Island nuclear plant, Connally replied, "More people died at Chappaquiddick than at Three Mile Island."

It's not that I agreed with Connally's politics (I didn't), but it was the outright irreverence of his remark that makes it one of my favorites.

It's All in the Landing


I can attest that the landing makes all the difference when you're using a parachute. A Israeli man who likes to paraglide had a little problem on his landing. He was paragliding in the Golan Heights, and he came down in a minefield between Israel and Syria. Like paragliding is not risky to begin with. Makes my problem look pretty minor doesn't it?

He had to be rescued by helicopter, because no one would go out there to bring him back. Someone probably told him before he jumped, "whatever you do, don't go over there...that's Syria."

Thanks, but No Thanks

Doesn't He Look Happy?
Adam Yehiye Gadahn, the American Al-Qaeda, has invited all of us Americans to convert to Islam and join in the fight. No thanks. I don't think I want to live in a cave trying to hide out from the entire world. Besides, who would really want to live in Afghanistan, if you didn't have to? Talk about bombed back into the Stone Age! Hell, they've been bombed back to the Stone Age three or four times. If it's all the same to you, Adam, I'll just stay where I am with all the other infidels.

Death of a President


That's the name of a movie that will have its world premier in Toronto next month during the Toronto Film Festival. The movie purports to be a "thought-provoking critique" of U.S. society. It will air on a British television network October 9.

Hey, believe me, I do not want Bush to get killed! Look who's in line to take his place. Talk about job security!

Hat Trick

Today September 1 is a hat trick. It's Friday, so that's one. It's payday because it's the first of the month, that's two. It's the beginning of a 3-day weekend, so that's three. We don't get these days very often. Carpe hat trick!

One Year Later


One resident of New Orleans gives her opinion of the situation. I'm with her! But, hell, I thought he was a failure long before Katrina.

Eventually They'll Have to Use a Goddamn Forklift!


Funeral directors in Australia have a new challenge to confront. The people they're burying are so overweight, that the funeral industry association recommends that they use wagons and other lifting devices instead of carrying caskets on their shoulders. Damn, I hate those workers' compensation cases!

They need to start using those lovely bright yellow forklifts that beep when they back up. Imagine at the end of the funeral service a guy in one of those flourescent orange jackets comes driving a forklift in to pick up the casket. He puts the fork under the casket stand, then turns to look over his shoulder and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Fido, Take the Wheel


A woman in China decided to teach her dog to drive her car, because the dog was so fond of riding around in the car. She intended to work the foot pedals, while the dog steered the car. All went well until the dog steered the car into a front-end collision with another vehicle. I wonder if she had her head out the window with her tongue hanging out, and missed it that the dog was steering into another vehicle.

Jesus Christ Is a Puerto Rican


A Puerto Rican man has declared himself Jesus Christ. His birth name is José Luis De Jesus Miranda. He is 60 years old, and lives in Miami. Jesucristo runs a program named Creciendo en Gracia. He travels all over Latin America spreading the Gospel, preaching against all churches. By the way, he carries a U.S. passport.

This is not the first time that God has been declared a Puerto Rican. A play called Steambath depicted God as a Puerto Rican steambath attendant. Granted, it didn't claim that Jesus was Puerto Rican, just that God was. But, according to Christian theology aren't they really one and the same?

This latest "incarnation" of Jesus says that he doesn't pray for anything, because "¿A quién le voy a orar?"

Lost in the Rabbit Hole?


I just got this in my email. What am I supposed to think of that?

Former President Carter Calls Tony Blair Bush's Poodle


Well, okay, not exactly those words, but what does "he is so accomodating and submissive" mean? If you ask me, it means Blair is Bush's poodle. And, being a Texan, Bush wouldn't even like poodles.

They Say It's Hurricane Ernesto

Ché, Raúl, y Fidel
But I know better. It's really Hurricane Che. See it's like this. Fidel is living out his last few months, and Che has come back to pay him a visit in the form of Hurricane Ernesto "Che" Guevara. They say he's going to hit Haiti, and then head right for Jamaica and Cuba. See? What'd I tell ya?

When Your Cell Phone Drops a Call

Just throw it as far as you can. You just might win the World Championship of Telephone Throwing. Lassi Eteläaho of Finland did just that with a throw of 89 meters. He must have been really frustrated with his service provider!