Senator Kennedy a Terrorist?
The Department of Homeland Security has apologized to Senator Edward Kennedy for a mix-up that has happened several times when he has tried to board airplanes in the US. It seems his name is similar to someone suspected of being a terrorist. Nah, it's that the Republicans think he's a terrorist!
Friday, August 20, 2004
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Homeland Security Letter
The following letter was provided to me through sources who requested to remain unnamed. Marcos Arroyos cannot verify the authenticity or the truthfulness of this letter. I can only pass it on to my concerned fellow citizens.
August 19, 2004
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
USA
Dear Lord Furthermore:
One of our many duties at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is the verification of the safety of the American food production system. Toxic biological and/or chemical agents introduced into the food distribution system could wreak havoc with the American way of life. In an effort to secure the nation�s food supply, we have undertaken a wide variety of security measures regarding this important issue. Of course, we cannot publish the exact nature of these measures, but we can divulge some their general aspects.
We conduct routine DNA analysis of food products, and compare those results with several data bases. A recent comparison brought about an unexpected outcome. In fact, the outcome was so unusual that we thought there had been a rupture in the chain of custody of the tested sample. However, we tested the sample again in a different DHS-operated laboratory, and were faced with the same results.
Our test discovered a match between your DNA and a substance found on some feathers retrieved from a poultry processing plant in the Northeastern United States. Additional investigation revealed that the feathers in question came from the anus area of one of the hens processed in that plant. There was trace evidence of chicken blood on the feathers along with what turned out to be seminal fluid. Such a discovery proved to be quite puzzling to us until we had Dr. Henry Lee, a renowned DNA expert, and one of our forensic veterinarians inspect the test results. They hypothesized that someone of North European descent with red hair had engaged in rough sex with the hen.
In an enlightened and sexually liberated environment such as your place of residence this behavior may not cause consternation, but we wish to assure you that the DHS takes a dim view of this kind of aberrant and unnatural sexual practice. It is within our purview as Protectors of the Homeland to take any steps necessary to prevent any and all deviant sexual acts.
Later investigation revealed that the poultry processing plant had placed a job advertisement for a chicken plucker for which many people applied. Only under hypnosis was the staff there able to recall that during testing for the position one applicant insisted on plucking the chicken while it was still alive. This applicant also insisted that he be allowed to pluck his chicken in private in the men�s room. The rest of the story is too raw and unseemly to repeat. Suffice it to say that when male members of the staff later discovered the plucked hen lying unconscious in the sink basin of the men�s room, they joked that the job posting was for a chicken plucker not a chicken fucker.
Lord Furthermore, we regret to inform you that any future travel by you to or through the United States of America is hereby prohibited.
Very truly yours,
Tom Ridge
Director, Department of Homeland Security
The following letter was provided to me through sources who requested to remain unnamed. Marcos Arroyos cannot verify the authenticity or the truthfulness of this letter. I can only pass it on to my concerned fellow citizens.
August 19, 2004
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
USA
Dear Lord Furthermore:
One of our many duties at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is the verification of the safety of the American food production system. Toxic biological and/or chemical agents introduced into the food distribution system could wreak havoc with the American way of life. In an effort to secure the nation�s food supply, we have undertaken a wide variety of security measures regarding this important issue. Of course, we cannot publish the exact nature of these measures, but we can divulge some their general aspects.
We conduct routine DNA analysis of food products, and compare those results with several data bases. A recent comparison brought about an unexpected outcome. In fact, the outcome was so unusual that we thought there had been a rupture in the chain of custody of the tested sample. However, we tested the sample again in a different DHS-operated laboratory, and were faced with the same results.
Our test discovered a match between your DNA and a substance found on some feathers retrieved from a poultry processing plant in the Northeastern United States. Additional investigation revealed that the feathers in question came from the anus area of one of the hens processed in that plant. There was trace evidence of chicken blood on the feathers along with what turned out to be seminal fluid. Such a discovery proved to be quite puzzling to us until we had Dr. Henry Lee, a renowned DNA expert, and one of our forensic veterinarians inspect the test results. They hypothesized that someone of North European descent with red hair had engaged in rough sex with the hen.
In an enlightened and sexually liberated environment such as your place of residence this behavior may not cause consternation, but we wish to assure you that the DHS takes a dim view of this kind of aberrant and unnatural sexual practice. It is within our purview as Protectors of the Homeland to take any steps necessary to prevent any and all deviant sexual acts.
Later investigation revealed that the poultry processing plant had placed a job advertisement for a chicken plucker for which many people applied. Only under hypnosis was the staff there able to recall that during testing for the position one applicant insisted on plucking the chicken while it was still alive. This applicant also insisted that he be allowed to pluck his chicken in private in the men�s room. The rest of the story is too raw and unseemly to repeat. Suffice it to say that when male members of the staff later discovered the plucked hen lying unconscious in the sink basin of the men�s room, they joked that the job posting was for a chicken plucker not a chicken fucker.
Lord Furthermore, we regret to inform you that any future travel by you to or through the United States of America is hereby prohibited.
Very truly yours,
Tom Ridge
Director, Department of Homeland Security
NOW They Tell Me!
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has discovered that "We found a tight connection between teen sexual behavior and dating and teen risk of smoking, drinking and using illegal drugs." Duh! I wonder if they would find a "tight connection" between swimming, laying eggs, quacking and being a duck? Gimme a break!
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has discovered that "We found a tight connection between teen sexual behavior and dating and teen risk of smoking, drinking and using illegal drugs." Duh! I wonder if they would find a "tight connection" between swimming, laying eggs, quacking and being a duck? Gimme a break!
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Chatter Stopped
Sources with the US intelligence community have confirmed per Stratfor that al-Qaeda chatter has gone silent. This usually happens just before a big attack, when they've been infiltrated, or when a big arrest has been made. Batten down the hatches, 'cause the shit's about to hit the fan.
Sources with the US intelligence community have confirmed per Stratfor that al-Qaeda chatter has gone silent. This usually happens just before a big attack, when they've been infiltrated, or when a big arrest has been made. Batten down the hatches, 'cause the shit's about to hit the fan.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Yeah, But the Throat Cancer Will Get Ya First
Rolling Stones star Charlie Watts has been diagnosed with throat cancer. Meanwhile, Spanish researchers have discovered that Cannibinoids (good ol' marijuana) prevent the growth of brain tumors. I wonder if there's a preventative effect? Of course, you could end up like Charlie - you keep the brain healthy, but the throat cancer takes you out.
Rolling Stones star Charlie Watts has been diagnosed with throat cancer. Meanwhile, Spanish researchers have discovered that Cannibinoids (good ol' marijuana) prevent the growth of brain tumors. I wonder if there's a preventative effect? Of course, you could end up like Charlie - you keep the brain healthy, but the throat cancer takes you out.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Blame It on Viagra
Evidently there's been a surge in divorces among people 55 and older. Many factors figure in, but ultimately they blame it on the Viagra.
Evidently there's been a surge in divorces among people 55 and older. Many factors figure in, but ultimately they blame it on the Viagra.
Monday, August 09, 2004
Banana Republic Ain't Just a Clothing Store
The European Organization for Security and Cooperation has announced that it will send election observers to the US to make sure there's no irregularities in the Presidential election this November. Watch out, a military coup d'etat is next!
The European Organization for Security and Cooperation has announced that it will send election observers to the US to make sure there's no irregularities in the Presidential election this November. Watch out, a military coup d'etat is next!
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Atlantis Found!
According to Ulf Erlingsson, a Swedish geographer, the lost kingdom of Atlantis is actually Ireland. He says that the legend about it sinking below the ocean is actually a story about a shoal in the North Sea that did get flooded in about 6500 BC. Well, my idea is that the sinking story is more metaphorical. The natives of Atlantis (Ireland) had just discovered alcoholic beverages, and drank themselves into oblivion. So, the sinking legend is about their drinking themselves "under the waves" so to speak. Don't believe me? Hey, they're still at it!
According to Ulf Erlingsson, a Swedish geographer, the lost kingdom of Atlantis is actually Ireland. He says that the legend about it sinking below the ocean is actually a story about a shoal in the North Sea that did get flooded in about 6500 BC. Well, my idea is that the sinking story is more metaphorical. The natives of Atlantis (Ireland) had just discovered alcoholic beverages, and drank themselves into oblivion. So, the sinking legend is about their drinking themselves "under the waves" so to speak. Don't believe me? Hey, they're still at it!
Thursday, August 05, 2004
So, Ya Wanna Move to Texas?
Well, if you think the weather is so great here, because we seldom have any snow, you'd be right about the no snow. But, you wouldn't be right about the great weather. The forcast high today is 101F. That's almost equal to 40C. You think that's great weather? Park your car outside for 30 minutes, then see if you can bear to touch the steering wheel when you get back in.
Well, if you think the weather is so great here, because we seldom have any snow, you'd be right about the no snow. But, you wouldn't be right about the great weather. The forcast high today is 101F. That's almost equal to 40C. You think that's great weather? Park your car outside for 30 minutes, then see if you can bear to touch the steering wheel when you get back in.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Dime que No Es Verdad
Al-Qaeda Chiapas? Al-Qaeda Mexico City, Tijuana, Guadalajara, Monterrey, Juarez? Yep, that's what Raymundo Riva Palacio says. He says they're coming into the US along with illegal aliens. In fact, he says one was arrested in McAllen on July 19 at the airport. He was heading to New York to do who knows what? There's even a Hezbollah group in Chiapas! Allahu Akhbar a la Mexicana!
Al-Qaeda Chiapas? Al-Qaeda Mexico City, Tijuana, Guadalajara, Monterrey, Juarez? Yep, that's what Raymundo Riva Palacio says. He says they're coming into the US along with illegal aliens. In fact, he says one was arrested in McAllen on July 19 at the airport. He was heading to New York to do who knows what? There's even a Hezbollah group in Chiapas! Allahu Akhbar a la Mexicana!
Saturday, July 31, 2004
No Thanks, We'll Just Stay Irrelevant
The Papacy has issued another "Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church" about homosexuality and feminism. It claims they both undermine the family. What the fuck do a bunch of never married old queers know about raising a family? And, how can they condemn homosexuality, when that's what about 70% of them are? The other 30% are pedophiles. God forgive them for they know not what they do.
The Papacy has issued another "Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church" about homosexuality and feminism. It claims they both undermine the family. What the fuck do a bunch of never married old queers know about raising a family? And, how can they condemn homosexuality, when that's what about 70% of them are? The other 30% are pedophiles. God forgive them for they know not what they do.
Back from Galveston
Been gone for avbout a week. First, went to Houston to see the in-laws. Went to an Astros game (Astros won), and saw the Bourne Supremacy. I think the game was better than the movie, because the game had several home runs. The movie was full of non-sensical chase scenes that lasted much too long. Chase scenes are to movies what drum solos are to rock concerts. A little bit is good, a little more is not. By the way, while waiting outside the gate at Minute Maid park, I happened to see two Al-Qaeda operatives casing the place. Well, what else would they be, if not Al-Qaeda? Two "Middle Eastern" appearing men, way over-dressed for an American baseball game, standing outside the stadium, but not going in. Then they moved to the curb and looked down the street as if they were waiting for someone to pick them up, but no one did. They turned and began looking at the roof of the stadium and pointing. Then they suddenly walked away. Aha, but not until after I took their picture! I made like I was having the Goddess pose in front of the stadium, and I took a picture with them in the background. Gotcha!
We spent a couple of days in Galveston eating way too much seafood. All in all, it was a lot of fun.
Been gone for avbout a week. First, went to Houston to see the in-laws. Went to an Astros game (Astros won), and saw the Bourne Supremacy. I think the game was better than the movie, because the game had several home runs. The movie was full of non-sensical chase scenes that lasted much too long. Chase scenes are to movies what drum solos are to rock concerts. A little bit is good, a little more is not. By the way, while waiting outside the gate at Minute Maid park, I happened to see two Al-Qaeda operatives casing the place. Well, what else would they be, if not Al-Qaeda? Two "Middle Eastern" appearing men, way over-dressed for an American baseball game, standing outside the stadium, but not going in. Then they moved to the curb and looked down the street as if they were waiting for someone to pick them up, but no one did. They turned and began looking at the roof of the stadium and pointing. Then they suddenly walked away. Aha, but not until after I took their picture! I made like I was having the Goddess pose in front of the stadium, and I took a picture with them in the background. Gotcha!
We spent a couple of days in Galveston eating way too much seafood. All in all, it was a lot of fun.
Friday, July 23, 2004
El Poeta Maestro
I stand on one leg,
I make the loudness peg,
Your indulgence I beg
As you gaze at my jpeg.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Now, That's the Way to Finance the War
Former former President of Spain, Jose Maria Aznar, paid $2 million to a US public relations firm to help improve his image in the US, and to get presented with the Congressional Gold Medal. Well, he got the medal all right, Representatives Jim Gibbons and Sylvestre Reyes sponsored a proposal to give him the medal, and it was approved. The only problem is that the money went to the PR firm and not to the US government. Let's try putting one on Ebay, and see if we can help finance this war in Iraq.
Former former President of Spain, Jose Maria Aznar, paid $2 million to a US public relations firm to help improve his image in the US, and to get presented with the Congressional Gold Medal. Well, he got the medal all right, Representatives Jim Gibbons and Sylvestre Reyes sponsored a proposal to give him the medal, and it was approved. The only problem is that the money went to the PR firm and not to the US government. Let's try putting one on Ebay, and see if we can help finance this war in Iraq.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
I Didn't Know Fucking Was an Olympic Event
Durex, the condom manufacturer, has provided 130K condoms to the athletes at the Olympic Games. That comes out to 13 per athlete. Last time in Sydney they gave the athletes 50K, but they ran out, and had to ask for 20K more. And I thought athletes were supposed to refrain from sex, so they wouldn't lose their energy.
Durex, the condom manufacturer, has provided 130K condoms to the athletes at the Olympic Games. That comes out to 13 per athlete. Last time in Sydney they gave the athletes 50K, but they ran out, and had to ask for 20K more. And I thought athletes were supposed to refrain from sex, so they wouldn't lose their energy.
Don't Put a Lot of Suds on Mine
Some youngsters in Sweden got sick while attending a pop festival from consuming some alcohol laden soap. There was some soap in the rest rooms with 62% alcohol content that they mixed in their otherwise non-alcoholic drinks. Don't try this at home.
Some youngsters in Sweden got sick while attending a pop festival from consuming some alcohol laden soap. There was some soap in the rest rooms with 62% alcohol content that they mixed in their otherwise non-alcoholic drinks. Don't try this at home.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Britney Does Bollywood
Can it be true? After her Hollywood flop "Crossroads", she's going to Bollywood? Not only that she's gonna play a lesbian in an Indian movie. A movie opened last month in India about lesbians and it was not well received. In fact, I believe Hindu fundamentalists burned down the theater where it was showing in one town. I don't remember anyone burning down a theater for showing "Crossroads," but maybe they should have. Burn, baby, burn.
Can it be true? After her Hollywood flop "Crossroads", she's going to Bollywood? Not only that she's gonna play a lesbian in an Indian movie. A movie opened last month in India about lesbians and it was not well received. In fact, I believe Hindu fundamentalists burned down the theater where it was showing in one town. I don't remember anyone burning down a theater for showing "Crossroads," but maybe they should have. Burn, baby, burn.
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