Chiquita Supports Terrorist Organization

Yep, Chiquita banana paid $1.7 million to the United Self-Defense Forces of Columbia which constitutes an extreme right wing paramilitary death-squad that is on the U.S. list of terrorist organizations. Now, why would an American company support a terrorist organization? M-o-n-e-y. That's all there is to it. So, enjoy those bananas on your cereal, because Chiquita paid good money to make sure you could have an uninterrupted supply of them.

Only His Mother Showed Up

Amir Vehabovic from Bosnia decided to test his "friends" to see who he could really rely on. Well, like they say, be careful what you ask for. He printed a death announcement, faked a death certificate, and bribed undertakers to deliver a fake coffin to a fake funeral. He invited 45 people and only his mother showed up.

How's That for a Senior Discount?

One of the largest whorehouses in Europe, Pascha in Cologne, has begun offering a discount to customers 66 years old and older. From 12:00 noon to 5:00 pm they can get service at half price. Yes, 50% off. This whorehouse also has a money-back guarantee which makes it the only one in the world with that kind of guarantee. Not satisfied, money back.

Diplomatic Immunity

A couple of weeks ago police in El Salvador discovered the Israeli ambassador in the street nude and drunk in possession of sado-masochistic "articles." It turns out that the ambassador, Tzuriel Raphael, had attended a gathering of S&M aficionados, and well...somehow he wound up out in public nude. The Israeli government fired him immediately and brought him back to Israel. The article doesn't say if the police arrested the man, but it did say that he identified himself as the Israeli ambassador. Hell yeah! I mean he didn't want to get arrested did he?

Gambling on the Stars

In Britain you can bet on whether Heather Mills' fake leg will fall off while competing on "Dancing with the Stars." Now, that's entertainment! Bet $100 and win $350, if it falls off. Or bet $600 that it won't fall off to get a pay off of $700. But, if it did happen to fall off, would they televise it? I doubt it.

Stop It or I'll Swallow Your Toothbrush!

Doctors in the university hospital in Shantou, China discovered two toothbrushes in the stomach of a patient. Okay, that sounds bad enough, right? Well, it turns out the man had swallowed the two toothbrushes seven years earlier after a fight with his wife. Seven years they just sat here causing no trouble. Suddenly, they began to cause him stomach pain, so he went to the hospital. As a postscript, the doctors report that the toothbrushes retained their color after all that time. I didn't wonder about that, but they told me anyway.

Hooray, Hooray, Scooter Gets Convicted

Yep, Scooter Libby learned today that the jury found him guilty on four of the five counts the government charged him with. Let's see: obstruction of justice, perjury, and lying to the FBI. Oh boy, I can't wait to see what sentence he gets. Maybe the death penalty? Okay, too harsh, but just barely!

Uups, Disculpe la Molestia

Pues, parece que el ejército suizo invadió la micronación de Liechtenstein por accidente. Una compañìa de 170 soldados se perdieron por la noche y marcharon más de una milla dentro de la pequeña nación. Después de poco se dieron cuenta de su equivocación y salieron de inmediato. Portaban armas de asalto pero sin balas. Sí sin balas. Pues, no hay daño ¿verdad? El gobierno de Lichtenstein dijo que no lo consideran nada alarmante. O, de paso, Liechtenstein no tiene ejército. ¿Por qué necesita ejército cuando tiene vecinos que invaden sin balas?

Texas Youth Commission

Oh, so now I know what that means! The Commission collects teen-aged boys from around the state, so that administrators of the facilities can fuck them whenever they want. After years of covering up for administrators and executives, the Texas Youth Commission (TYC) got its cover blown. Evidently, the Commission members have known about this abuse for quite some time, and have tried to keep it quiet. The Texas Senate has voted to put TYC under conservatorship.

Likewise, the Governor's office received a report from the Texas Rangers (no not the baseball team) detailing the problems back in September, but the Governor has done nothing about it. Well, he did something about it, but only after the report became public. Shit hits the fan in Texas, the state that so vehemently opposes gay marriage. Well, of course! The administrators don't want the marry the kids, they just want to fuck 'em.

NYC Calls N-Word Out of Bounds

The New York City municipal government voted in a symbolic resolution today to ask New Yorkers to refrain from using the N-word. That request includes all residents, and does not exempt black citizens. No, they mean everybody. So, no more N-word in hip hop songs, comedy routines, street slang, or anywhere else for that matter. The NYC city council doesn't approve of its use by anyone, and feels it degrades and denigrating.

Grave of Jesus Uncovered

A Canadian documentary team claims to have uncovered the burial place of Jesus. And, I don't mean Jesus Garcia, I mean the real Jesus. Experts from the fields of archeology, DNA, writing experts, and historians worked together in a cave discovered in 1980 near Jerusalem. They have concluded that the cave held 10 caskets with the names of the "occupants" carved into them. One says "Jesus, son of Joseph" another says "Judah, son on Jesus" and two others say "Mary." The team believes the caskets with Mary carved on them hold Mary Magdalene and Mary mother of Jesus. The documentary will play on the World Discovery Channel soon.

Wait a minute! Jesus ascended into heaven, how did they bury him near Jerusalem? Somebody's got some 'splainin to do!

God: Most Valuable Player

Quoting from a podcast that I heard today.

The coach and the owner of the Super Bowl Championship football team said that it was God's will that they won. So, why didn't they name God as the Most Valuable Player?

That statement comes from a preacher's sermon after the Super Bowl this year. What church? The Claremont United Church of Christ in Claremont, California. Oh, yeah.

Try This on for Size

Nothing is more depressing than people insisting that you’re wrong not to feel good.

Sound familiar? Sound like any self-help group you've attended? It does to me. It sounds a lot like the Friends of Job. You know, Job, the guy in the Bible that had such a hard time. His friends came to console him while he sat with boils in the ash heap. Eventually, they showed their true colors, and blamed him for his own problems.

In the Name of America the Violent

Customarily Muslim prayers and even events begin with the words "Bismallah ir Rachman ir Rachim." Which means "In the name of God the Compassionate the Merciful." Now there comes a professor in Egypt who began his class by writing on his chalkboard the words "In the Name of America the Violent." He says that America serves as his God, and the he prays to America daily. His students complained, and he has since checked into a psychiatric hospital. Well, at least he didn't pray to George W. That really would make him check into a psych hospital!

Thank You, Beth 1979

Yesterday I received a call from Beth 1979 with Citibank. I explained to her that I had tried to get Chuck Prince's email address or fax number, but no one would let me know it. I had spoken with a supervisor who had arranged for a manager to call me back. When I told Beth 1979 about what I wanted, she asked if she could help with the original problem. I explained my entire story about the high interest rate, and she offered to lower my rate.

That sounded good to me, so I asked her what that would make my minimum payment. When she told me that it would come to $227.06 this month, I accepted the offer. I had already mailed my letter to Mr. Prince, so her intervention didn't prevent upper management from finding out, but it did stop my efforts to contact Mr. Prince.

I asked her why no one had offered me that same deal the night before, and she speculated that they didn't know about this possibility. Well, I sure don't know, but I reckon that the reason they didn't has more to do with job title than lack of knowledge. Nevertheless, I appreciate what she did for me. Just as the conversation came to an end, I asked her to give me her name again. She said, "My name is Beth, and my badge number is 1979."

Does This Shirt Make Me Look Fat?

I can hear you saying, no, of course not! It makes you look sexy. Well, okay, so you didn't say sexy.

Fighting the Good Fight?

I don't know if you can call this fighting the good fight, but I will carry on fighting anyway. I have a dispute with Citibank/Citigroup that has run off and on for over a year now. My latest step involves a letter to the President of Citibank/Citigroup, Chuck Prince. I have attached the body of the letter below:

This letter confirms a telephone conversation of 02/15/2007 between the approximate hours of 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm CST. I spoke with three representatives and offered to continue making payments on my account as I have been doing for over two years. I explained that I would continue making payments as I have, or that I would make none at all. That offer still stands, however, your manager refused it.

I believe you have dealt with me in bad faith. I telephoned your customer service number to ask about the difference in my minimum payment for the February bill from the January bill. I learned that after having completed my agreement to make payments of $223 per month for 12 months, my interest rate has gone up to roughly 32%. You have rewarded me for meeting my 12 month commitment to you by more than tripling my interest rate from 9% to 32%. Now you want me to pay $307 per month. I don’t approve of that treatment

Last year I had a dispute with you about your treatment of me when you raised my minimum payment according to some new Federal law that allowed you to do so. At that time I offered to pay $223 per month, but everyone I spoke with refused my offer. Not until I had missed a payment did someone call to make arrangements. I told her that my offer still stood, and she accepted it right away. We agreed that I would pay $223 per month, and that you would draft my checking each month on the 25th. She also agreed to lower my interest rate to 9% which I much appreciated. Why did you have to wait until I had missed a payment to accept my offer?

In January of 2007, I called your customer service department to request that we extend our agreement for another 12 months, because I felt it had gone very well. The person I spoke with refused saying that I had met my commitment, and I couldn’t extend it, because my account had a good standing status. My minimum payment last month came to $158. I went ahead and made a payment of $223 instead, because I intended to continue my payments as I had offered to do.

Tonight, I prepared to make another payment for $223, when I discovered what you had done to me. I called again to attempt to continue my payments of $223 per month, but each person I spoke with consistently refused my offer. Why would you do this to a customer who has always met agreements with you? I also learned that “the bank” had closed my account unilaterally in June 2006 without informing me. Why would you do that to someone who had met every commitment made to you? A manager told me that I could request that Customer Service re-open my account. He said that if I did that, you would lower my interest rate, but the minimum payment would remain larger than what I have paid for so long. Why can’t you continue the agreement from last year? You closed the account, I didn’t.

I am confident that you have notes in your account record that will reflect what transpired. My offer still stands. If you would like to accept it, I will need a response from you accepting said offer. If you do not want to accept it, I will make no further payments on this account.

Thank you dear readers for indulging me on this. I hope to count on your support.

No Child Left Behind?

The United Nations agency concerned with children, Unicef, has named the best countries for children to live in. The study used 40 different parameters to rank children's standard of living. The ranking includes 21 developed countries. So, who came in first? The Netherlands finished first followed by Sweden, Denmark, Finland, and Spain. Where do we rank? Well...how about next to last? Penultimate. Yep, number 20 out of 21! So, who did we beat? The United Kingdom. Don't that just make ya proud?

Sorry, I Don't Understand You

A new study has determined that men who undergo vasectomies have a higher incidence of Progressive Primary Aphasia. This affliction can lead to loss of memory and a loss of understanding of one's native language. Uh...what did you say? It sounds like English, but I don't understand what you said.

Those of us who've had a vasectomy may wonder just what that will bring about. I suppose the choices range from not understanding your language to not understanding your kids. Either way, you have a lack of understanding.

Gay No More

A few months ago Ted Haggard, former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his pastorate and his presidency, because he had to admit his homosexuality. Remember, this particular group says that Jesus can change gay people into straight ones. Now, just why Ted had to struggle with his "urges" most of his life remains a mystery to me. I mean, if Jesus would help anyone, surely he would help Ted.

Don't worry. He did help Ted, sadly it came a little late, but better late than never, right? Ted underwent "intensive therapy" , and now has become completely heterosexual. His transformation may not rank up there with raising the dead, but it sure proves the power of...uh...Jesus? Maybe it proves the power of Ted's ego instead.