Bush was more than ready to land on a flight deck of an aircraft carrier. How 'bout parachuting him into New Orleans right near the Convention Center? I say bring him on!
Friday, September 02, 2005
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
You Have Been Warned
Sonnette Ehlers in South Africa has developed a penis trap to be used against rape. It's actually a condom placed in a woman's vagina. If she get raped the condom, called Rapex, adheres to the attacker's penis and cannot be removed. If he tries to pull the condom off, it digs even deeper into his penis. When he shows up at a hospital for help, the emergency personnel can call the police. So, it prevents the spread of AIDS by rape, and prevents pregnancy from a rape. Let someone get "trapped" and it'll prevent rape too!
Sonnette Ehlers in South Africa has developed a penis trap to be used against rape. It's actually a condom placed in a woman's vagina. If she get raped the condom, called Rapex, adheres to the attacker's penis and cannot be removed. If he tries to pull the condom off, it digs even deeper into his penis. When he shows up at a hospital for help, the emergency personnel can call the police. So, it prevents the spread of AIDS by rape, and prevents pregnancy from a rape. Let someone get "trapped" and it'll prevent rape too!
Saturday, August 27, 2005
The Perfect Job for Me
The London zoo has an exhibit of homo sapiens on display in it's simian section. They just wear swim suits and play all day. Sounds perfect! Do they have one person sitting at a computer all day reading the Internet? No? Well, that's the job for me. Where do I apply?
The London zoo has an exhibit of homo sapiens on display in it's simian section. They just wear swim suits and play all day. Sounds perfect! Do they have one person sitting at a computer all day reading the Internet? No? Well, that's the job for me. Where do I apply?
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Borat Attacks
I had heard that Borat was hitchhiking in Wise County, Texas, but I suppose he got a ride. Now, he's in California.
I had heard that Borat was hitchhiking in Wise County, Texas, but I suppose he got a ride. Now, he's in California.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
An Anonymous Administration Official Said:
"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground... We are in the process of...shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning." Don't you like that? Shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning...how about in the middle and will dominate at the end. Shedding the unreality? Hardly.
"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground... We are in the process of...shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning." Don't you like that? Shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning...how about in the middle and will dominate at the end. Shedding the unreality? Hardly.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sing Us a Song, Piano Man
Sing us a song he did. It was all a fraud. It turns out the Piano Man can't play the piano, and he didn't have amnesia. He used to work in a mental hospital, so he knew how to act like a mental patient. He's just a gay German who wanted to commit suicide, but didn't go thru with it. By the way, isn't gay German a contradiction in terms?
Sing us a song he did. It was all a fraud. It turns out the Piano Man can't play the piano, and he didn't have amnesia. He used to work in a mental hospital, so he knew how to act like a mental patient. He's just a gay German who wanted to commit suicide, but didn't go thru with it. By the way, isn't gay German a contradiction in terms?
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Who Done It?
Workers in a mosque near Jaffa found a pig's head inside the mosque with a keffiyeh and the name Mohammed written on it. Okay, Muslims and Jews both consider the pig to be impure. So, who would have brought it in there? Christians? Discordians? Atheists?
Workers in a mosque near Jaffa found a pig's head inside the mosque with a keffiyeh and the name Mohammed written on it. Okay, Muslims and Jews both consider the pig to be impure. So, who would have brought it in there? Christians? Discordians? Atheists?
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Honorary American
I have the pleasure of announcing that Lord Furthermore has been granted honorary American citizenship. Attached is a photo of the Lord Himself. One problem, though, since we allow no royalty in America, we have taken the liberty of changing his royal title of Lord to his first name. Therefore, let it be known far and wide that the former Lord Furthermore will be henceforth named Lord Furthermore. The word Lord no longer being a title, but his first name.
This action is in line with that great American tradition of re-inventing oneself, a la Puff Daddy to P Diddy to Diddy. Besides, we can make you American, democratic, and consumerist whether you want to be or not, just ask the French. EuroDisney is just a little parcel of red, white, and blue in France. Our red, white, and blue by God!
Notice in the photo how Lord stares to the horizon personifying American wanderlust, as he fills 'er up with foreign fossil fuel. Go west young man! Or in this case, put on your glasses old man! He's really squinting in an effort to make out the visible panty lines of some much younger American women going into the Burger King next door. (Okay, so we do allow some royalty here.) No, there's no thongs in them red states, thank God!
Ever vigilant! See how Lord steadfastly attends the pump as directed by the sign on the gas pump. You know in your heart that he wasn't prosecuted, because Lord wouldn't drive off! Jack off, maybe, but never drive off.
Open road, convertible with the top down, sliding that throbbing stiff gas nozzle into the hot wet tunnel, oh happy day! How much more American could he be? Welcome to American citizenship, Lord, we wouldn't have it any other way.
Death by PowerPoint Ain't Just a Phrase
Yale professor Edward R Tufte says that not only are PowerPoint presentations boring, they are actually dangerous. He even says that a continuous PowerPoint presentation could have been responsible for the Columbia space shuttle crash. He says it makes you dumb.
Yale professor Edward R Tufte says that not only are PowerPoint presentations boring, they are actually dangerous. He even says that a continuous PowerPoint presentation could have been responsible for the Columbia space shuttle crash. He says it makes you dumb.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Norwegian Men Request Caesarian
What? Norwegian men want to have Caesarian sections...uh, no, the want their women to have them. Hmmm...now I wonder why would that be? ;-)
What? Norwegian men want to have Caesarian sections...uh, no, the want their women to have them. Hmmm...now I wonder why would that be? ;-)
Porn Makes You Blind
Well, ain't that a helluva note? First it's masturbation, then Viagra, and now it's porn! Well, okay, porn won't make you blind quite the same way the other two will (said by someone with severe myopia). It "confuses" you so that you can't pick out a picture of a certain building, if there's a porn picture in the stack close to it. Someone in the US (that means with an ax to grind) tested volunteers to see of they could pick out a photo of a specific building from a stack of a hundred or so photos. The test really was to see if they could pick it out after having seen a porn photo shortly before. I wonder if handling the photos makes hair grow on your palms.
Well, ain't that a helluva note? First it's masturbation, then Viagra, and now it's porn! Well, okay, porn won't make you blind quite the same way the other two will (said by someone with severe myopia). It "confuses" you so that you can't pick out a picture of a certain building, if there's a porn picture in the stack close to it. Someone in the US (that means with an ax to grind) tested volunteers to see of they could pick out a photo of a specific building from a stack of a hundred or so photos. The test really was to see if they could pick it out after having seen a porn photo shortly before. I wonder if handling the photos makes hair grow on your palms.
Well, It's Not a Completely Bad Thing, Is It?
More and more Brits are drinking themselves to death. Alcohol that is. In England and Wales deaths from cirrhosis of the liver or alcohol poisoning have risen by 18.4%. In the North England region of Yorkshire and Humber the rates have increased by 46.5%. Sounds bad, but just think, it's mostly those football hooligans. Not so bad after all, huh?
More and more Brits are drinking themselves to death. Alcohol that is. In England and Wales deaths from cirrhosis of the liver or alcohol poisoning have risen by 18.4%. In the North England region of Yorkshire and Humber the rates have increased by 46.5%. Sounds bad, but just think, it's mostly those football hooligans. Not so bad after all, huh?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I Heard It from Dan Savage
But, it's not a joke. A man died after having sex with a horse. No, the horse didn't kick him, the horse, uh, well, fucked him to death. Really. Click the link.
But, it's not a joke. A man died after having sex with a horse. No, the horse didn't kick him, the horse, uh, well, fucked him to death. Really. Click the link.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
But Can She Sing Happy Birthday, Mr. President?
Sherri Lea Laird is Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. Okay, so who's the reincarnation of my grandmother? I'd much rather talk to her.
Sherri Lea Laird is Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. Okay, so who's the reincarnation of my grandmother? I'd much rather talk to her.
Insurance Against Senility?
A study of monolingual and bilingual individuals shows that the bilinguals suffer less from senile dementia than monolinguals. ¿Muy interesante, no?
A study of monolingual and bilingual individuals shows that the bilinguals suffer less from senile dementia than monolinguals. ¿Muy interesante, no?
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Foot Size + 5 cm Divided by Two
Russian researchers have discovered that you can tell how big a man's dick is by the size of his foot. Measure the length of his foot in centimeters, add 5, then divide by two. The formula works for 90% of men. Of course, you could just put on clown shoes to impress people.
Russian researchers have discovered that you can tell how big a man's dick is by the size of his foot. Measure the length of his foot in centimeters, add 5, then divide by two. The formula works for 90% of men. Of course, you could just put on clown shoes to impress people.
Okay, Mike, but No Biting
Mike Tyson has run out of money. So, he's turning to his skills as an actor to get out of debt. Huh? Actor? Well, uh, yeah, actor. See, he's going to become a porn star under the stage name of "Iron Mike." What's he gonna do when he get 'em in the clinch? No biting, Mike, no biting.
Mike Tyson has run out of money. So, he's turning to his skills as an actor to get out of debt. Huh? Actor? Well, uh, yeah, actor. See, he's going to become a porn star under the stage name of "Iron Mike." What's he gonna do when he get 'em in the clinch? No biting, Mike, no biting.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Just Blame It on the Viagra
Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended from Major League baseball because of steroid use. He testified in Congress that he has "never used steroids. Period." Even today he says, "I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." He claims not to know how steroids got into his body. Well, he has been on TV as a pitch (get it?) man for Viagra. Maybe that's how! Wait a minute! I get it, he unintentionally used them. Well, that's okay then.
Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended from Major League baseball because of steroid use. He testified in Congress that he has "never used steroids. Period." Even today he says, "I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." He claims not to know how steroids got into his body. Well, he has been on TV as a pitch (get it?) man for Viagra. Maybe that's how! Wait a minute! I get it, he unintentionally used them. Well, that's okay then.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Michael's Latest Album a Big Flop
Yes, it was bound to happen. Michael Jackson's comeback is more like a go-away. His latest album The Essential Michael Jackson sold only 8000 copies in the USA in its first week. Just move to Berlin, Michael, and leave us alone.
Yes, it was bound to happen. Michael Jackson's comeback is more like a go-away. His latest album The Essential Michael Jackson sold only 8000 copies in the USA in its first week. Just move to Berlin, Michael, and leave us alone.
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