Who Done It?

Workers in a mosque near Jaffa found a pig's head inside the mosque with a keffiyeh and the name Mohammed written on it. Okay, Muslims and Jews both consider the pig to be impure. So, who would have brought it in there? Christians? Discordians? Atheists?

Honorary American

Honorary American, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

I have the pleasure of announcing that Lord Furthermore has been granted honorary American citizenship. Attached is a photo of the Lord Himself. One problem, though, since we allow no royalty in America, we have taken the liberty of changing his royal title of Lord to his first name. Therefore, let it be known far and wide that the former Lord Furthermore will be henceforth named Lord Furthermore. The word Lord no longer being a title, but his first name.

This action is in line with that great American tradition of re-inventing oneself, a la Puff Daddy to P Diddy to Diddy. Besides, we can make you American, democratic, and consumerist whether you want to be or not, just ask the French. EuroDisney is just a little parcel of red, white, and blue in France. Our red, white, and blue by God!

Notice in the photo how Lord stares to the horizon personifying American wanderlust, as he fills 'er up with foreign fossil fuel. Go west young man! Or in this case, put on your glasses old man! He's really squinting in an effort to make out the visible panty lines of some much younger American women going into the Burger King next door. (Okay, so we do allow some royalty here.) No, there's no thongs in them red states, thank God!

Ever vigilant! See how Lord steadfastly attends the pump as directed by the sign on the gas pump. You know in your heart that he wasn't prosecuted, because Lord wouldn't drive off! Jack off, maybe, but never drive off.

Open road, convertible with the top down, sliding that throbbing stiff gas nozzle into the hot wet tunnel, oh happy day! How much more American could he be? Welcome to American citizenship, Lord, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Death by PowerPoint Ain't Just a Phrase

Yale professor Edward R Tufte says that not only are PowerPoint presentations boring, they are actually dangerous. He even says that a continuous PowerPoint presentation could have been responsible for the Columbia space shuttle crash. He says it makes you dumb.

Norwegian Men Request Caesarian

What? Norwegian men want to have Caesarian sections...uh, no, the want their women to have them. Hmmm...now I wonder why would that be? ;-)

Porn Makes You Blind

Well, ain't that a helluva note? First it's masturbation, then Viagra, and now it's porn! Well, okay, porn won't make you blind quite the same way the other two will (said by someone with severe myopia). It "confuses" you so that you can't pick out a picture of a certain building, if there's a porn picture in the stack close to it. Someone in the US (that means with an ax to grind) tested volunteers to see of they could pick out a photo of a specific building from a stack of a hundred or so photos. The test really was to see if they could pick it out after having seen a porn photo shortly before. I wonder if handling the photos makes hair grow on your palms.

Well, It's Not a Completely Bad Thing, Is It?

More and more Brits are drinking themselves to death. Alcohol that is. In England and Wales deaths from cirrhosis of the liver or alcohol poisoning have risen by 18.4%. In the North England region of Yorkshire and Humber the rates have increased by 46.5%. Sounds bad, but just think, it's mostly those football hooligans. Not so bad after all, huh?

I Heard It from Dan Savage

But, it's not a joke. A man died after having sex with a horse. No, the horse didn't kick him, the horse, uh, well, fucked him to death. Really. Click the link.

But Can She Sing Happy Birthday, Mr. President?

Sherri Lea Laird is Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. Okay, so who's the reincarnation of my grandmother? I'd much rather talk to her.

Insurance Against Senility?

A study of monolingual and bilingual individuals shows that the bilinguals suffer less from senile dementia than monolinguals. ¿Muy interesante, no?

Foot Size + 5 cm Divided by Two

Russian researchers have discovered that you can tell how big a man's dick is by the size of his foot. Measure the length of his foot in centimeters, add 5, then divide by two. The formula works for 90% of men. Of course, you could just put on clown shoes to impress people.

Okay, Mike, but No Biting

Mike Tyson has run out of money. So, he's turning to his skills as an actor to get out of debt. Huh? Actor? Well, uh, yeah, actor. See, he's going to become a porn star under the stage name of "Iron Mike." What's he gonna do when he get 'em in the clinch? No biting, Mike, no biting.

Just Blame It on the Viagra

Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended from Major League baseball because of steroid use. He testified in Congress that he has "never used steroids. Period." Even today he says, "I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." He claims not to know how steroids got into his body. Well, he has been on TV as a pitch (get it?) man for Viagra. Maybe that's how! Wait a minute! I get it, he unintentionally used them. Well, that's okay then.

Michael's Latest Album a Big Flop

Yes, it was bound to happen. Michael Jackson's comeback is more like a go-away. His latest album The Essential Michael Jackson sold only 8000 copies in the USA in its first week. Just move to Berlin, Michael, and leave us alone.

Free Admission for the Naked

The Leopold Museum in Vienna has a summer special. If you show up naked at the entrance, you get in free.

Fuck Me Pumps Cause Schizophrenia

Hey, I ain't makin' this up. A Swedish researcher, Jarl Flensmark,has published a paper in Medical Hypotheses that the advent of high heels coincides with the first reported cases of schizophrenia. He goes even further to point out that the mass production of high heel shoes is followed by higher rates of schizophrenia. This happened in Massachusetts where mass production of shoes began, and the same pattern shows up when mass production spread to Europe. Who knew?

Chewable Viagra

I hadn't heard of this new way to take Viagra, but here it is. They say there's this "problem" in Argentina, because younger men are taking it for recreational reasons. So? Like there's some other reason for sex? Okay, okay, that's how we procreate, but if it weren't for the fun part of it we would have gone extinct eons ago. Bring 'em on!

41 or 46 Samples Contained Cocaine

The toilets in the European Parliament building have traces of cocaine on them. So says German professor Fritz Sörgel. He's done similar studies on public restrooms around Europe. He found 80% of the toilets in the Bundestag in Berlin had cocaine traces, and that 90% in Brussels did. The Parliament's response was to call the testing an "invasion of privacy" and threaten legal action.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised...It Will Be Marketed

Step right up, folks, get your Che Guevara T-shirt, your Che herbal tea, and your Che coat from the Burlington Coat Factory. Don't believe me? Just take at look at this!

Mi Segunda Patria

In Latin America they have this concept of the 2nd Homeland. I guess it started with the Spaniards whose homeland was Spain, but their American colony was their segunda patria. Anyway, Mexico is mine. There's something so...uh...Mexican about it. Hard to put into words, but here's one example.

Zach and I went to Chichen Itza on Tuesday. It's a lot different now. This was my 4th time there. They have some of the things fenced off so you can't get on them or touch them. You can still climb El Castillo, but you can't get on that monument to the warriors (whatever it's called). Parts of the Ball Court are off limits too. The first time we went in about '87 you could crawl into places they had opened up back in the woods. That's where I got the rock that I brought home. Part of the Patrimony of Mexico, and I took it, but, hey, I can't find it anymore, so I guess it serves me right.

Of course, it wouldn't be Mexico without some bathroom problem. The bus we took from Progreso to Chichen Itza has a bathroom. It's this little box like thing right by the rear door. You go down the steps to get into it. The catch was that the lock didn't work, so the door swung open if you didn't hold it, and the light inside the little box didn't work. You had to go by feel. I know 'cause I had to use it. Later on this kid, a boy about 10, went to use it. He asked me how you turn on the light and I said you don't. His mom and sister thought it was all very funny. Then I told all of them about peeing in a coke bottle in the back of a bus in Dolores Hidalgo, and throwing it out the window. The two kids were just flabbergasted. I can't describe the look on their faces, but they were just stunned. Their mother thought it was funny. I love Mexico!

The Cruise Is Over

Had a great time. Saw Chichen Itza for my fourth time, went to Cozumel for the first time (if you don't count landing and taking off at the Cozumel airport), and Belize City for the first and hopefully last time.

Some photos soon.