It's Been a Busy Week
This week has seen the assassination of the former Prime Minister of Lebanon, Dear Leader Kim Jong Il's birthday, North Korea and Iran announcing nuclear visions, Syria in hot water over the assassination, Syria and Iran (as if they both needed more heat) announced an agreement to defend themselves from the US, and it was Valentine's Day for God's sake! But, the biggest news (which came from a European source) is that the Pope is dead and that Osama Bin Laden is actually in the Vatican posing as the Pope. It's true! I know it's hard to believe, but they can do wonders with extreme make-overs nowadays. Although, I'm not sure why a middle-aged Arab with a full beard would want to become an old, old Polack with Parkinson's disease, but my source is impeccable. Take it to the bank!
Friday, February 18, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005
Speak French to Avoid Delinquency
A new study in France has determined that the reason children of immigrants turn to delinquency is that they don't speak French. What a novel idea! Why haven't we thought of it before? Now, all we have to do is teach the Bloods, Crips, and Mara Salvatrucha to speak French. Pas problem!
A new study in France has determined that the reason children of immigrants turn to delinquency is that they don't speak French. What a novel idea! Why haven't we thought of it before? Now, all we have to do is teach the Bloods, Crips, and Mara Salvatrucha to speak French. Pas problem!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Let's Go Guantanamo
A new British reality TV show called Guantanamo Guidebook will have contestants submit to torture a la Camp X-ray to see how long they can last. Bring 'em off!
A new British reality TV show called Guantanamo Guidebook will have contestants submit to torture a la Camp X-ray to see how long they can last. Bring 'em off!
Monday, February 07, 2005
Deep Throat Was the Pope!
According to several media sources, Deep Throat is ill and close to death. Well, now, just who's been knocking at death's door recently? Why, it's the Pope. Yep, the Pope was Deep Throat.
According to several media sources, Deep Throat is ill and close to death. Well, now, just who's been knocking at death's door recently? Why, it's the Pope. Yep, the Pope was Deep Throat.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Oh So German!
A new step for "Reality TV" is being take by the Germans. They are going to have a reality TV program called Sperm Race. No shit, they really are! Twelve men will donate sperm (not on camera unfortunately) which will be frozen and then transported to Cologne where the race will actually take place. There will be a gynocologist there as "judge" to make sure that everything is proper. The winning sperm will give it's "donor" a new red Porsche. But, how German to find the fastest sperm to give the glory. The survival of the fittest and all that. Das Deutschen Volk sind Ueber Alles!
A new step for "Reality TV" is being take by the Germans. They are going to have a reality TV program called Sperm Race. No shit, they really are! Twelve men will donate sperm (not on camera unfortunately) which will be frozen and then transported to Cologne where the race will actually take place. There will be a gynocologist there as "judge" to make sure that everything is proper. The winning sperm will give it's "donor" a new red Porsche. But, how German to find the fastest sperm to give the glory. The survival of the fittest and all that. Das Deutschen Volk sind Ueber Alles!
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Uh, Can You Say Unintended Consequences?
After taking the course for young people on abstaining from sex, the students in the course promptly go out and not only have sex, but have more of it! Would that be classified as "collateral damage?"
After taking the course for young people on abstaining from sex, the students in the course promptly go out and not only have sex, but have more of it! Would that be classified as "collateral damage?"
How Was That Again?
Kim Jong-Il the Dear Leader of North Korea will passionately fall for Condoleeza Rice. He will escape an assasination attempt, open his nuclear plant(s) to foreign tourists, and will reveal the hideout of Osama Bin Laden. All this according to the Oracle of the Rooster in Hong Kong. And we've been wasting time using the CIA.
Kim Jong-Il the Dear Leader of North Korea will passionately fall for Condoleeza Rice. He will escape an assasination attempt, open his nuclear plant(s) to foreign tourists, and will reveal the hideout of Osama Bin Laden. All this according to the Oracle of the Rooster in Hong Kong. And we've been wasting time using the CIA.
Down to Seeds and Stems Again
Just pick up the Nieuw Revu and you can get two marijuana seeds for your garden. It might take a little while to pay off, but, hey, it's free!
Just pick up the Nieuw Revu and you can get two marijuana seeds for your garden. It might take a little while to pay off, but, hey, it's free!
Monday, January 31, 2005
If I Turn Down a Job, Can I Still Get Unemployment?
Well, no, not if it's suitable work. Women under 55 look out!
Well, no, not if it's suitable work. Women under 55 look out!
Monday, January 24, 2005
Tired of Being Embarrassed about Being American?
Well, now you can Go Canadian! They will think you're Canadian, not American when you travel overseas. Now, how do I get a Canadian passport?
Well, now you can Go Canadian! They will think you're Canadian, not American when you travel overseas. Now, how do I get a Canadian passport?
Friday, January 21, 2005
Smokin' the Word of God
In Winnipeg, Manitoba inhabitants of the jail cannot use tobacco of any kind. So, if you want to smoke, you can't, but they'll provide you with nicotine gum. You boil it, and soak tea leaves with the nicotine loaded water. Once the tea leaves dry you roll them up in pages torn from the Bibles provided for the inmates' spiritual needs. Now, that's the way to get the Word of God into someone! The good folks at the Gideon Bible organization say that 50 Bibles have been used in this way. They'll glady replace them though.
In Winnipeg, Manitoba inhabitants of the jail cannot use tobacco of any kind. So, if you want to smoke, you can't, but they'll provide you with nicotine gum. You boil it, and soak tea leaves with the nicotine loaded water. Once the tea leaves dry you roll them up in pages torn from the Bibles provided for the inmates' spiritual needs. Now, that's the way to get the Word of God into someone! The good folks at the Gideon Bible organization say that 50 Bibles have been used in this way. They'll glady replace them though.
Rose Scented Men?
According to a new study from Florida, women who wear floral scented perfumes are perceived as being thinner than they really are. So, how about for men? Could I "lose" a few pounds with some rose scented after shave, or maybe gardenia scented deodorant?
According to a new study from Florida, women who wear floral scented perfumes are perceived as being thinner than they really are. So, how about for men? Could I "lose" a few pounds with some rose scented after shave, or maybe gardenia scented deodorant?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
I Do Fucking Swear
Brett Scallions of Fuel opened the youth concert for the Inauguration of George W with the words, "Welcome to the greatest fucking country in the world!" Does Bono come to mind?
Brett Scallions of Fuel opened the youth concert for the Inauguration of George W with the words, "Welcome to the greatest fucking country in the world!" Does Bono come to mind?
Monday, January 17, 2005
Norway's on Top of the World!
According to a new survey from Durex a condom manufacturer, Norwegians lead the world in the use of dildos. Norway and Iceland right there together. Must be the cold weather.
According to a new survey from Durex a condom manufacturer, Norwegians lead the world in the use of dildos. Norway and Iceland right there together. Must be the cold weather.
Drive-thru Convenience
I've had a cold since last Thursday and haven't been feeling well at all. This morning I was feeling somewhat better, so I decided to go to the Post Office to mail a letter and get the oil changed in my truck. The Post Office has a drive-thru lane for mailing letters. There are three mail boxes in a row on the side of the lane with extensions that sort of "reach" out to your car window. While driving there, I realized that I wasn't feeling as well as I thought, but I was already on the way, so I kept going. I pulled into the lane and rolled up to the box. Another car had come into the lane behind me and was waiting.
I reached up to put my letter in the extension, and it fell back toward me. Only, I didn't catch it, and it fell to the ground. I opened my truck door, and tried to reach it, but I couldn't. I unfastened my seat belt and leaned over a little further. Still not enough. I then had to lie down on the seat of the truck and extend my arm as far as I could to reach the letter. Not enough. I then sort of leaned down while lying in the seat and almost fell out of the truck. In fact I would have except the mail box extension wouldn't let my door open up any more. I strained and squeezed and finally reached the letter. I got it and sat back up with great difficulty. It was then that I noticed that I had kicked over my cup of coffee, and it had emptied out onto the floorboard of my truck. I cursed loudly, and more than once. I put the letter in the box, buckled my seat belt, accidentally honked the horn, and pulled away. I looked into my rear view mirror to see if the people behind me were laughing, and they seemed not to even have noticed. I'm sure they were just trying to hold it in until I pulled away. God bless them.
The place for changing the oil is across the street from the Post Office. I pulled in there feeling really exhausted. The guy came up and I told him what I wanted. I went inside to wait and he got in the truck to pull it into the bay. I remember that there was coffee all over the floorboard of the truck, but I just didn' have the energy to even say anything to him. God bless him, he didn't say anything about it either. It wasn't until later on my way home that I remembered the towel under my seat that I could wipe up the coffee with.
When I bought our Christmas tree this year, I had to cut some of the lower branches off to get it into the stand. I put a couple of those branches in the floor of my truck to try to get some nice Christmasy scent in there. Well, I hadn't taken them out yet, so the coffee went all over a couple of Douglas fir branches in the floor with assorted scrap paper and fir needles. It looks like a real mess. It did anyway, but with the coffee it sure does now. Even after spilled coffee, Douglas fir branches, and trash in the floorboard the guys at the oil change place didn't mention it. They must be used to it.
I've had a cold since last Thursday and haven't been feeling well at all. This morning I was feeling somewhat better, so I decided to go to the Post Office to mail a letter and get the oil changed in my truck. The Post Office has a drive-thru lane for mailing letters. There are three mail boxes in a row on the side of the lane with extensions that sort of "reach" out to your car window. While driving there, I realized that I wasn't feeling as well as I thought, but I was already on the way, so I kept going. I pulled into the lane and rolled up to the box. Another car had come into the lane behind me and was waiting.
I reached up to put my letter in the extension, and it fell back toward me. Only, I didn't catch it, and it fell to the ground. I opened my truck door, and tried to reach it, but I couldn't. I unfastened my seat belt and leaned over a little further. Still not enough. I then had to lie down on the seat of the truck and extend my arm as far as I could to reach the letter. Not enough. I then sort of leaned down while lying in the seat and almost fell out of the truck. In fact I would have except the mail box extension wouldn't let my door open up any more. I strained and squeezed and finally reached the letter. I got it and sat back up with great difficulty. It was then that I noticed that I had kicked over my cup of coffee, and it had emptied out onto the floorboard of my truck. I cursed loudly, and more than once. I put the letter in the box, buckled my seat belt, accidentally honked the horn, and pulled away. I looked into my rear view mirror to see if the people behind me were laughing, and they seemed not to even have noticed. I'm sure they were just trying to hold it in until I pulled away. God bless them.
The place for changing the oil is across the street from the Post Office. I pulled in there feeling really exhausted. The guy came up and I told him what I wanted. I went inside to wait and he got in the truck to pull it into the bay. I remember that there was coffee all over the floorboard of the truck, but I just didn' have the energy to even say anything to him. God bless him, he didn't say anything about it either. It wasn't until later on my way home that I remembered the towel under my seat that I could wipe up the coffee with.
When I bought our Christmas tree this year, I had to cut some of the lower branches off to get it into the stand. I put a couple of those branches in the floor of my truck to try to get some nice Christmasy scent in there. Well, I hadn't taken them out yet, so the coffee went all over a couple of Douglas fir branches in the floor with assorted scrap paper and fir needles. It looks like a real mess. It did anyway, but with the coffee it sure does now. Even after spilled coffee, Douglas fir branches, and trash in the floorboard the guys at the oil change place didn't mention it. They must be used to it.
Friday, January 14, 2005
You Da Bomb, Man!
The US military tried to develop a "sexbomb" to use on enemy soldiers. Now, here's the catch. It was to make them homosexual. A bomb to make men into queers. What will we try next? Imagine dropping such a bomb on Al-Qaida. They'd all be fucking each other so much that they'd never have time to plan terrorist attacks. Hey, maybe the bomb was successfully developed, and they used it on Al-Qaida. I always wondered about those guys anyway. The don't want to have women touch them. Hmmm....are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The US military tried to develop a "sexbomb" to use on enemy soldiers. Now, here's the catch. It was to make them homosexual. A bomb to make men into queers. What will we try next? Imagine dropping such a bomb on Al-Qaida. They'd all be fucking each other so much that they'd never have time to plan terrorist attacks. Hey, maybe the bomb was successfully developed, and they used it on Al-Qaida. I always wondered about those guys anyway. The don't want to have women touch them. Hmmm....are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Number 1 in Pizza Comsumption
Norwegians, yes Norwegians, are Number One in the whole world in pizza consumption. The eat 5.4 kilos per person per year of pizza. Who would have thought it?
Norwegians, yes Norwegians, are Number One in the whole world in pizza consumption. The eat 5.4 kilos per person per year of pizza. Who would have thought it?
I Am Shocked, Shocked!
Police in Pilot Point, Texas have required an art gallery to cover the breasts on an image of Eve at the time of her creation. Wow, if we don't look bad enough...now we're trying to deny that Eve had tits. Give me a break!
Police in Pilot Point, Texas have required an art gallery to cover the breasts on an image of Eve at the time of her creation. Wow, if we don't look bad enough...now we're trying to deny that Eve had tits. Give me a break!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Cunts in Lion Land
An artist in Leeuwarden, Alfred Stucki, advertised his latest exhibition with a hanging sign emblazoned with the letters K U T which in Dutch means cunt. Included on the sign was the image of a vagina. In this case it was really an acronym for Kunst Uit Tranen which means something like "Art Out of Watering." Here in Austin there's a radio station with the call letters KUT which I've always found amusing.
An artist in Leeuwarden, Alfred Stucki, advertised his latest exhibition with a hanging sign emblazoned with the letters K U T which in Dutch means cunt. Included on the sign was the image of a vagina. In this case it was really an acronym for Kunst Uit Tranen which means something like "Art Out of Watering." Here in Austin there's a radio station with the call letters KUT which I've always found amusing.
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