Not Metaphorically Speaking

When they say, "Fed him to the lions" it's not always a metaphor.

Tired of Being Embarrassed about Being American?

Well, now you can Go Canadian! They will think you're Canadian, not American when you travel overseas. Now, how do I get a Canadian passport?

Smokin' the Word of God

In Winnipeg, Manitoba inhabitants of the jail cannot use tobacco of any kind. So, if you want to smoke, you can't, but they'll provide you with nicotine gum. You boil it, and soak tea leaves with the nicotine loaded water. Once the tea leaves dry you roll them up in pages torn from the Bibles provided for the inmates' spiritual needs. Now, that's the way to get the Word of God into someone! The good folks at the Gideon Bible organization say that 50 Bibles have been used in this way. They'll glady replace them though.

Rose Scented Men?

According to a new study from Florida, women who wear floral scented perfumes are perceived as being thinner than they really are. So, how about for men? Could I "lose" a few pounds with some rose scented after shave, or maybe gardenia scented deodorant?

I Do Fucking Swear

Brett Scallions of Fuel opened the youth concert for the Inauguration of George W with the words, "Welcome to the greatest fucking country in the world!" Does Bono come to mind?

Norway's on Top of the World!

According to a new survey from Durex a condom manufacturer, Norwegians lead the world in the use of dildos. Norway and Iceland right there together. Must be the cold weather.

Drive-thru Convenience

I've had a cold since last Thursday and haven't been feeling well at all. This morning I was feeling somewhat better, so I decided to go to the Post Office to mail a letter and get the oil changed in my truck. The Post Office has a drive-thru lane for mailing letters. There are three mail boxes in a row on the side of the lane with extensions that sort of "reach" out to your car window. While driving there, I realized that I wasn't feeling as well as I thought, but I was already on the way, so I kept going. I pulled into the lane and rolled up to the box. Another car had come into the lane behind me and was waiting.

I reached up to put my letter in the extension, and it fell back toward me. Only, I didn't catch it, and it fell to the ground. I opened my truck door, and tried to reach it, but I couldn't. I unfastened my seat belt and leaned over a little further. Still not enough. I then had to lie down on the seat of the truck and extend my arm as far as I could to reach the letter. Not enough. I then sort of leaned down while lying in the seat and almost fell out of the truck. In fact I would have except the mail box extension wouldn't let my door open up any more. I strained and squeezed and finally reached the letter. I got it and sat back up with great difficulty. It was then that I noticed that I had kicked over my cup of coffee, and it had emptied out onto the floorboard of my truck. I cursed loudly, and more than once. I put the letter in the box, buckled my seat belt, accidentally honked the horn, and pulled away. I looked into my rear view mirror to see if the people behind me were laughing, and they seemed not to even have noticed. I'm sure they were just trying to hold it in until I pulled away. God bless them.

The place for changing the oil is across the street from the Post Office. I pulled in there feeling really exhausted. The guy came up and I told him what I wanted. I went inside to wait and he got in the truck to pull it into the bay. I remember that there was coffee all over the floorboard of the truck, but I just didn' have the energy to even say anything to him. God bless him, he didn't say anything about it either. It wasn't until later on my way home that I remembered the towel under my seat that I could wipe up the coffee with.

When I bought our Christmas tree this year, I had to cut some of the lower branches off to get it into the stand. I put a couple of those branches in the floor of my truck to try to get some nice Christmasy scent in there. Well, I hadn't taken them out yet, so the coffee went all over a couple of Douglas fir branches in the floor with assorted scrap paper and fir needles. It looks like a real mess. It did anyway, but with the coffee it sure does now. Even after spilled coffee, Douglas fir branches, and trash in the floorboard the guys at the oil change place didn't mention it. They must be used to it.

You Da Bomb, Man!

The US military tried to develop a "sexbomb" to use on enemy soldiers. Now, here's the catch. It was to make them homosexual. A bomb to make men into queers. What will we try next? Imagine dropping such a bomb on Al-Qaida. They'd all be fucking each other so much that they'd never have time to plan terrorist attacks. Hey, maybe the bomb was successfully developed, and they used it on Al-Qaida. I always wondered about those guys anyway. The don't want to have women touch them. Hmmm....are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Number 1 in Pizza Comsumption

Norwegians, yes Norwegians, are Number One in the whole world in pizza consumption. The eat 5.4 kilos per person per year of pizza. Who would have thought it?

I Am Shocked, Shocked!

Police in Pilot Point, Texas have required an art gallery to cover the breasts on an image of Eve at the time of her creation. Wow, if we don't look bad enough...now we're trying to deny that Eve had tits. Give me a break!

Cunts in Lion Land

An artist in Leeuwarden, Alfred Stucki, advertised his latest exhibition with a hanging sign emblazoned with the letters K U T which in Dutch means cunt. Included on the sign was the image of a vagina. In this case it was really an acronym for Kunst Uit Tranen which means something like "Art Out of Watering." Here in Austin there's a radio station with the call letters KUT which I've always found amusing.

Man, That's Some Tough Bacon!

A 64 year-old man in Groningen, Netherlands ate his hearing aid. He thought it was some bacon that had fallen from his plate. I wonder if he heard it.

Uh, How Long Ago Was Dirty Dancing?

A school official in California has cancelled all the dances for this year at Lemoore Union High School, because they're well, too suggestive.

The Salvadoran Option

Reports indicate that the Pentagon has decided to implement the "Salvadoran Option" in Iraq. That's a reference to what were called death squads or escuadrones de la muerte about 20 years ago in Latin America. They were principally extreme right-wing groups who went around assasinating left-wing guerrillas. At the time many people accused the US of supporting the death squads, which we strenuously denied. I wonder if this is a kind of indirect admission to our involvement back then? As I remember, the death squad effort was not one that met with great success. So, why would they think it would work now?

You Can't Tell the Hookers without a Program

In Bogota, Colombia a new municipal regulation prevents prostitutes working in the zona de tolerancia (zone of tolerance) from wearing mini-skirts or other revealing clothing. It's all an effort to protect the sensibilities of the local residents and maintain the morals of the neighborhood.

Okay, let me get this straight. There is a area in the city specifically for the purpose of letting hookers work there, and in that same zone they cannot dress like a hooker. So, in order to protect the morals of the non-hookers, you make the hookers dress just like them. Now, it seems to me that men are going to be propositioning the highly moral ladies, because they can't tell them from the hookers. Something sounds out of whack here.

Poland: Paradise for Plastic Surgery

You can now get plastic surgery in Poland for 1/2 or 1/4 of the price. Breast augmentation at a cut-rate. Something oxymoronic about that.

El Dia de Los Reyes Magos

Today is Epiphany or as the Spanish speaking world calls it, Magi Day. It's the day that the Three Kings of Orient arrived to see the baby Jesus and deliver their gifts. But, the most important thing is that they "went home another way." They didn't go back to Herod and tell him where Jesus was, like he told them to. They went back to where they came from by going a different route. Hmmm...now what if...

The Solution to Unemployment

Send the out of work to work in Asia! Yes, that's it! If you're drawing unemployment benefits, and are willing, you get to go work in tsunami devastated Asia. Those Dutch think of everything.

Seventeen

It's been 17 years since the Goddess and I got married. We married on January 2, 1988. This year we went to a place called Canyon of the Eagles for our anniversary. It's just outside of Burnet (pronounced BUR-nit) on Lake Buchanan (pronounced buh-KAN-un). It's just plain beautiful out there. We just got back home a couple of hours ago. Took down the Christmas tree, put away the boxes and boxes of decorations, and now I'm resting. Sort of.

Marcos Arroyos.com

Yes, a man in China has decided to make the last name of his newborn son Zhao.com. The man's last name is Zhao and he is employed in information technology. What could be better?