Got Milk?
Committee of Nursing Mother Collective Announces Glorious New Revolutionary Program
January 9, 2004 Juche 93
By HON G. RHEE
PYONGYANG, North Korea (KCNA) � The Central Committee of the Nursing Mothers Juche Collective firmly declared on January 9 that Nursing Mothers stand shoulder-to-shoulder in solidarity with the people of the Democratic People�s Republic of Korea (DPRK). Expressing the will of the Korean people exemplified by the revolutionary cause of the Workers� Party of Korea, Chairwoman Tum E Gro Il set forth a new slogan �Got Milk?� Speaking at a solidarity rally in South Phyong-an, Mrs. Gro Il declared the Got Milk? program to be the shining goal that all progressive peoples in the 21st Century harken to.
The program will create the title of Mother of the People to be filled by nursing mothers throughout the Fatherland. Nursing mothers will each be assigned to provide breast milk to every resident of one of the workers� housing collectives. Mrs. Gro Il announced the publication of People�s Educational Manual No. 2-2004 which instructs nursing mothers on the techniques for breast feeding adults. Mrs. Gro Il set forth a second slogan �Let us pave a wide avenue for the Mothers of the People as they give life to the Juche Idea of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung by providing their milk without fear of the teeth of adults!�
In a statement of solidarity with the Central Committee of the Nursing Mothers Juche Collective, Chon Do Hong of the Peoples� Bureau of Revolutionary Agriculture proclaimed at the same rally that the daily ration of grass and roots for Mothers of the People would be increased to 25% more than the standard. He joined with Chairwoman Gro Il in hailing the heroic acts of socialist progress of the Mothers of the People. Mr. Hong called on all workers in the DPRK act with equal heroism and pull all remaining teeth from the eye teeth forward. Mr. Hong was widely applauded as he had his one remaining front tooth extracted
while standing at the podium.
The rally was attended by senior officials of the local Party, and power organs and working people's organizations, people from all walks of life and youth and students.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Happy New Year!
A new year has been born. May it be better than the last. Let's see: Lies to Congress, SARS, Columbia Explodes over Texas, War on False Pretenses, Alienating Allies, Unacknowledged Guerrilla War, Leaking CIA Agent's name for Retaliation, War Profits thru No Competitive Bidding, Fires in California, Earthquake in California, Mad Cow U.S.A. Hmm...shouldn't be hard to be better than that!
A new year has been born. May it be better than the last. Let's see: Lies to Congress, SARS, Columbia Explodes over Texas, War on False Pretenses, Alienating Allies, Unacknowledged Guerrilla War, Leaking CIA Agent's name for Retaliation, War Profits thru No Competitive Bidding, Fires in California, Earthquake in California, Mad Cow U.S.A. Hmm...shouldn't be hard to be better than that!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
The Year Is Dying
Requiem Dos Mil Tres. Lots of stuff happened this year. Mostly pretty good stuff happened to me. Although, I don't think I'm the rule, I'm probably the exception.
Another year, another war. Who's it gonna be this year? Odds are 2 to 1 for war with Syria. 3 to 1 with Saudi Arabia. 3 to 1 with Pakistan. 3 to 1 with Iran. 7 to 1 with N. Korea.
Requiem Dos Mil Tres. Lots of stuff happened this year. Mostly pretty good stuff happened to me. Although, I don't think I'm the rule, I'm probably the exception.
Another year, another war. Who's it gonna be this year? Odds are 2 to 1 for war with Syria. 3 to 1 with Saudi Arabia. 3 to 1 with Pakistan. 3 to 1 with Iran. 7 to 1 with N. Korea.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Monday, December 22, 2003
He Forgot?!
Police in Miami arrested a man today who was passing thru a metal detector at the airport. He was asked to remove his shoes, wherein a knife and an icepick were discovered. He said that he forgot about having them in his shoes. My feet are much more sensitive than that!
Police in Miami arrested a man today who was passing thru a metal detector at the airport. He was asked to remove his shoes, wherein a knife and an icepick were discovered. He said that he forgot about having them in his shoes. My feet are much more sensitive than that!
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Yes, They're Paying For It
Australian sperm banks are advertising for donors. They will pay for a round trip ticket and two weeks accomodations.
Australian sperm banks are advertising for donors. They will pay for a round trip ticket and two weeks accomodations.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Break On Through
The Doors are back! Will the new singer get drunk and piss on the crowd too? I can't wait!
The Doors are back! Will the new singer get drunk and piss on the crowd too? I can't wait!
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Monday, December 01, 2003
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
How Do I Sign Up?
A doctor specializing in pain management has developed the much sought after orgasmatron. But, he's having trouble getting volunteers to test the device. Huh?
A doctor specializing in pain management has developed the much sought after orgasmatron. But, he's having trouble getting volunteers to test the device. Huh?
Hey, Watch That Old Woman Over There!
An American Airlines jetliner had to be escorted back to Miami by two USAF fighter jets shortly after taking off due to an unruly female senior citizen. C'mon, you can't control an old woman? Buh-bye.
An American Airlines jetliner had to be escorted back to Miami by two USAF fighter jets shortly after taking off due to an unruly female senior citizen. C'mon, you can't control an old woman? Buh-bye.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Hey, Tampax, What Do You Want to Drink?
According to a survey Americans are naming their children after brand names. There are several 3 year-olds named Chevy, Delmonte, Infiniti, Celica, and more. There are even two kids named ESPN!
According to a survey Americans are naming their children after brand names. There are several 3 year-olds named Chevy, Delmonte, Infiniti, Celica, and more. There are even two kids named ESPN!
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Friday, November 07, 2003
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Doctor, My Eyes
The past two days have been hard on my poor eyes. They're not so good in the first place, and what I've been doing hasn't helped. No, it's not jacking off! I've been going over a translation of the unemployment information booklet. So, I've been staring at the computer screen trying to decide if we should have two spaces after a period or not. It turns out not. We have something like 31 pages of text to get mashed into 28 pages. I've been changing line spacing, font size of line breaks, putting things together so that I can take them apart again. The ironic thing about it all is that no one is going to read it! People never read their little booklet. Hmm...I wonder if I could get away with...
The past two days have been hard on my poor eyes. They're not so good in the first place, and what I've been doing hasn't helped. No, it's not jacking off! I've been going over a translation of the unemployment information booklet. So, I've been staring at the computer screen trying to decide if we should have two spaces after a period or not. It turns out not. We have something like 31 pages of text to get mashed into 28 pages. I've been changing line spacing, font size of line breaks, putting things together so that I can take them apart again. The ironic thing about it all is that no one is going to read it! People never read their little booklet. Hmm...I wonder if I could get away with...
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Monday, October 20, 2003
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Free Fall, Expensive Landing + 2
Yesterday and today mark the dates 2 years ago that I had my most unfortunate incident, and the surgery to repair it, respectively. It was two years ago yesterday that I accomplished my first (and last) skydive, resulting in two broken bones in my right leg. I broke the tibia and the fibula which the orthopedic surgeons quaintly refer to as a �tib-fib.�
On October 14, 2001 (a beautiful fall day without a cloud in the sky) I did a tandem jump from 12,000 feet. A tandem jump is where you are strapped, buckled, tied and everywhich way connected to an experienced jumper who does all the work. The guy I was attached to weighed about 250 lbs. Our weights together would easily exceed 425 lbs. Let me just say that it�s mighty hard to stop 425 lbs. of mass traveling at a velocity of 1 meter per second with one spindly leg contacting the earth at a most inopportune time. The results (should you ever want to try it) are that your foot will turn in ways you could never imagine, and you will get to take a ride in an ambulance. Lying in a field near a bed of ants, being unable to move very much in a completely ridiculous Evil Knieval-looking skydiving suit with a group of 6-8 onlookers asking questions like what is your driver�s license number while having to pee really bad and waiting on the ambulance to arrive are what you get without any extra charge.
On October 15, 2001 I had surgery to repair the break. I had a long thin piece of metal installed in my leg with eleven screws (one of them really more the size of a bolt) that secure it to the tibia, and keep the tibia in the proper place. The surgeon seemed completely unconcerned about the broken fibula, and indicated that it would take care of itself (makes you wonder just what it�s for). I got to use a walker (practice for my old age) for a couple of months, and a cane for another four months. But, the best part is that I had a handicapped parking pass. The handicapped parking spaces aren�t all they�re cracked up to be though. Many of them are not at all close to the front door of an establishment, and many times they are occupied (sometimes with cars that do not have a f__king handicapped pass)!
Even now, two years later, I still have aches and pains from those two lovely days in October. Blessed are the skydivers, for they shall touch the earth.
Yesterday and today mark the dates 2 years ago that I had my most unfortunate incident, and the surgery to repair it, respectively. It was two years ago yesterday that I accomplished my first (and last) skydive, resulting in two broken bones in my right leg. I broke the tibia and the fibula which the orthopedic surgeons quaintly refer to as a �tib-fib.�
On October 14, 2001 (a beautiful fall day without a cloud in the sky) I did a tandem jump from 12,000 feet. A tandem jump is where you are strapped, buckled, tied and everywhich way connected to an experienced jumper who does all the work. The guy I was attached to weighed about 250 lbs. Our weights together would easily exceed 425 lbs. Let me just say that it�s mighty hard to stop 425 lbs. of mass traveling at a velocity of 1 meter per second with one spindly leg contacting the earth at a most inopportune time. The results (should you ever want to try it) are that your foot will turn in ways you could never imagine, and you will get to take a ride in an ambulance. Lying in a field near a bed of ants, being unable to move very much in a completely ridiculous Evil Knieval-looking skydiving suit with a group of 6-8 onlookers asking questions like what is your driver�s license number while having to pee really bad and waiting on the ambulance to arrive are what you get without any extra charge.
On October 15, 2001 I had surgery to repair the break. I had a long thin piece of metal installed in my leg with eleven screws (one of them really more the size of a bolt) that secure it to the tibia, and keep the tibia in the proper place. The surgeon seemed completely unconcerned about the broken fibula, and indicated that it would take care of itself (makes you wonder just what it�s for). I got to use a walker (practice for my old age) for a couple of months, and a cane for another four months. But, the best part is that I had a handicapped parking pass. The handicapped parking spaces aren�t all they�re cracked up to be though. Many of them are not at all close to the front door of an establishment, and many times they are occupied (sometimes with cars that do not have a f__king handicapped pass)!
Even now, two years later, I still have aches and pains from those two lovely days in October. Blessed are the skydivers, for they shall touch the earth.
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