I Approved this Message


I come from West Texas right next to Odessa
The place that is really God’s own
My wife’s no contessa, and I must confess-a
That my mind’s not very well honed
I take time to rest, but I do my best
With money that came from a loan

(chorus)
They stole the election and gave it to me
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same
They tell me what’s best, I do the rest
And everything comes out okay


I bought me a ball team we all call the Rangers
After that they went straight to hell
With me at the helm there never was danger
That the Rangers would ever do well
We built a new ball park named, uh…the Ball Park
By then it was time for me to sell

(chorus)

Livin’ in a mansion and bein’ the Governor
Sounded like a whole lot of fun
But one Sunday sermon from my friend the preacher
And Mom sayin’ listen here son
You should be in the White House, not sittin’ in the bleachers
So, I thought, hell, why don’t I run?

(chorus)

I took on the office and the nucular button
Even though I don’t know which wing is west
No more stem cells I said, but all of a sudden
Them Al-Qaida cells put Dick to the test
I was down visitin’ Jeb and absorbed in my readin’
Andy said, “George, we’d better haul ass.”



(chorus)


I put the blame on Saddam the Iraqi
And let his people go on a rampage
War on TV’s better than watchin’ hockey
With me getting’ all of the praise
I always thought I’d look good in Khaki
With the USS Lincoln for a stage



(chorus)

Well, things started going from bad to worse
Our kids gettin’ killed by IEDs
We caught Saddam and a few of the perps
But, Zarkawi's got martyrs in their teens
My approval keeps droppin’ my policies are cursed
Social Security reform's in the deep freeze

(chorus)

Indictments keep coming who’s next to fall?
Why are you givin' me such a hard test?
Congress quit answering whenever I call
It’s hard I tell you, this leading the West
Our allies snub us they quit playing ball
I’m just doin' my best in a bullet-proof vest

Is That a Shoe Phone You're Wearing?


The Aphrodite Project has developed some sandals for sex workers (hookers?) to wear that include a GPS locator, an alarm button, and a liquid crystal screen for sending and receiving emails. It reminds me of Get Smart the TV show from the 60s. Only the shoe phone there was pretty crude by Aphrodite standards.

No Streaking during the World Cup


The Germans are serious about stopping streaking during the upcoming World Cup matches.
If you decide to attend and want to run naked on the field, plan on being fined up to 100,000 euros. This from a country that is providing temporary uh...drive-thru hooker work places for the cities in Germany that will host World Cup games. No streaking, what a disappointment for all those Pakistanis!

Michael Has Left US(A) for Good

Michael Jackson has decided to stay in Bahrain and never return to the good ol' USA. He's going to sell Neverland, and not look back. However, it he did look back and turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife, it wouldn't hurt his looks any.

I Finally Agree with George W.


When asked what his best moment as President was, George W. Bush told a German publication that it was when he caught a 3 kilo carp from a lake on his ranch. He said, "You know, I've had many great moments and it's hard to decide on the best one. I'd say that the best one was when I caught a 3.4 kilo carp from my lake." No, I'm not making that up, just check the link. I've got to say I agree with him.

Yeah, They're Different Alright


A study conducted by the University College of London shows that people with the ability to learn other languages easily have differently structured brains and more "white matter". The part of the brain called Heschl's Area is larger and oriented differently. Tell me about it! Generally, we think that the more "cables" and "connections" in the brain the better. Well, that's true, but if your cable for strawberry ice cream is hooked up to the word for master cylinder in papiamento, what good does it do you? I'm just sayin'.

A Bullet to the Back of the Head Would Have Been Better

Joseph Lewis Clark was to be executed by lethal injection in Ohio, but it didn't happen as planned. Mr. Clark had used drugs so much in his past that the executioners couldn't find a vein strong enough to put the IV in. Witnesses said that the executioners had to try over and over to get the IV in. The entire thing took an hour and a half to carry out, which is much longer than usual. Witnesses said Mr. Clark grimaced, cried, and made guttural noises. Hmmm...don't give us Texans any ideas.

Special Tasting Rum


Construction workers in Szeged, Hungary who were renovating a house discovered a barrel of rum while the were working. They would pour themselves a drink every once in a while. The said the rum had a "special taste" but that was okay. They drank 300 liters of the rum and were preparing to throw the barrel. But, it's not really possible for Hungarians to throw out a barrel until the make sure that it's really empty. They opened it up and oops! There was the body of a dead man inside. The man, who was a Hungarian diplomat, had died some 20 years earlier in Jamaica. Eeeuuww! Just think, drinking an entire barrel full of rum with a 20 year old dead body in it! I'm feeling a little queasy just imagining it.

It turns out that sending a body to Hungary was quite difficult and expensive. The man's wife, who had recently died herself, had him shipped back to Hungary in a rum barrel to save money. Okay, but she just left him there. She didn't bother to bury him.

Prohibida la Fotografia

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, tourists and anyone else for that matter couldn't take photos of police, military personnel or bases, bridges, etc. Well, that was then. In 21st century Germany it is prohibited for journalists to take pictures of prostitutes or their places of business. Huh? Yes, it's all in an effort to keep the hookers safe during the World Cup. See, prostitution is legal there, so they want to have a safe work place. Is sexual harrassment of prostitutes illegal as well?

A New Operatic Low


Don't you wish you had thought of it? Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding have really arrived. Their "problems" have become the subject of an opera. No, not a soap opera, an opera. Abigail Al-Doory, a music student, needed something for her master's and she found it with Tonya and Nancy: The Opera. Al-Doory said that her advisor told her she should make it for a string quartet, but she went for the whole thing. Later she said, "I should have followed the advice, and made it for a string quartet." Uh, how about not doing it all?

Callado y Hablarona

According to British sociologist Dianne Hale a woman says about 23,000 words per day, while a man says about half that many. This carries over into the world of work too. Women bosses tend to use the subjunctive when giving orders like, "The next step would be...", "I would suggest..." Men on the other hand don't understand those things to be orders, and therefore they don't get done. Women do much more nodding and murmuring when listening to confirm understanding than men do.

May Day, 2006

Today is International Workers' Day all over the world. Here in America it's just another day. Somehow, even though this day commemorates a police riot in Chicago's Haymarket Square in 1886 that killed people on both sides. Funny how our Labor Day is the first Monday in September, and there's virtually no mention of May Day at all.

Except this year it's more in line with the rest of the world. Immigrants are staging a work stoppage for this day. I don't know yet the amount of participation, but I expect it to be significant. So, perhaps our immigrants remembered what we've forgotten: That May Day is an American day for workers to demand respect.

Is That a Book of Mormon in Your Pocket?


Or are you just glad to see me? Last weekend my daughter, Kirsten, was in Salt Lake City on business. She and some other people went on a tour of the Mormon Tabernacle. The folks there want to you sign their book with your address and so on, so Kirsten wrote my name and the Goddess's name and our address down. She called later and confessed (or rather laughed) about what she had done.


Earlier this week two young Mormon men came by the house asking for me. My mother, Nana, who's 84 years old and knows that it was a joke, told them that I wasn't home yet. I was still at the acupuncturist. They came back this afternoon, but again I wasn't home and Nana told them that we had gone out to eat. They asked when I would be home and she said later tonight. Now I asked her why she didn't just tell them it was a joke, and she said she wouldn't do that...she'd leave that to me. I asked her if she thought she was doing them any favors, by making them come back so many times. She stuck by her guns.

Well, they just came again, and this time I was here to talk to them.

Mormon 1: Hi Mark? How are you doing?

Me: Fine

Mormon 2: I'm _____ and this is my partner _____.

I shook hands with both of them.

Mormon 1: We heard you were in Salt Lake recently...

Me: No, that wasn't me, it was my daughter.

Mormon 1: Oh you weren't?

Me: No, she told us that she put our name down, but it was a joke.

Mormon 1: A joke?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Well, can we leave you a Book of Mormon?

Me: I already have one. (I bought one about 10 years ago at a used book store for less than a dollar.)

Mormon 1: You do? Have you read it?

Me: No.

Mormon 1: Will you?

Me: Mmmmm, I might.

Mormon 1: Have you heard the message that it tells?

Me: Yeah, I'm familiar with it, but I'm not interested.

Mormon 1: Why not?

Me: I'm a Unitarian.

Mormon 2: What's that?

Me: Well, Unitarian Universalist.

Mormon 1: Yeah, this is the first time I've heard of that. Would you tell us about it?

Me: Well, it started in New England in the Congregational churches. They began to question the Trinity because it wasn't Biblical. So, they got the name Unitarian as opposed to Trinitarian. The Universalists came to America with John Murray who began to preach here. See, Universalist means no one gets condemned forever. Everybody gets in. The two denominations merged in '61.

Mormon 1: So, you believe there is just one (God) made up of lots of parts?

Me: Well, that's the way it started, but now it's a very liberal denomination. There is no creed or doctrine that you have to adhere to. We have Unitarian Universalists Christians, Unitarian Universalist Buddhists, Unitarian Universalist Pagans...it's just believe whatever you want.

Mormon !: Anything you want?

Me: Yeah.

Mormon 1: Hmm, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

Me: Uh huh.

Silence.

Mormon 1: Well, Mark, would you come to church with us on Sunday and see what it's about?

Me: No, thanks.

Mormon 1: Okay, well, it's been good meeting you...

Me: Yeah, (extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 1)...good to meet you (speaking to Mormon 2, extend hand and shake hands with Mormon 2)...Be careful.

Mormon 2: (Smile and nod) okay.

So see Kirsten, it's not so hard to talk to them if you just tell them the truth!

Wind Invasion

Last night for the first time in my life I went to an acupuncturist. I have often used acupressure and have used chi to heal myself and so on. After having my shitty reaction to the latest antibiotic, I thought something more Oriental might work.

I went to the Academy of Oriental Medicine at Austin, because it's the end of the month and I'm short of money. The Academy has interns treat patients under the guidance of a doctor, so it charges less than regular acupuncturists. They diagnosed me with a Yin deficiency and a Wind Invasion.

I got a total of nine needles. One on each ankle, just below each knee, on the elbows, each side on my nose, and one just below my belly-button. There's just a little ache type feeling where the needles go in, but that tends to go away.

I got an herbal concoction to make into tea and drink twice a day. So far, so good. I can breathe more easily, but still no smell.

Iatrogenic Rash


I posted before that I've had a sinus infection for a few months now. Well, I've been to an allergist, had a CAT scan, tried antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. The last antibiotic I took was Levaquin. It helped the sinus infection, but didn't knock it out completely. As soon as I finished the 10 days of one pill per day, I had this strange rash come up on my hands and arms. Today is over one week that I've had this rash, and it's itchin' like a motherfucker! My hands and arms look like I have the chickenpox. However, it seems like it's getting better (always the optimist, huh?).

This morning I looked up patient reports on Levaquin, and find out that a skin rash is one of the side effects. Like, really bad skin rash that won't go away. Some people have even had to get treatment for the Levaquin caused skin problems. Iatrogenic is a word used to describe an illness brought on by the treatment of another illness. "What if the cure is worse than the disease?" - Joan Osborne

Da Judge's Code


The judge in the Da Vinci Code lawsuit in London put his own code in the written decision. So far, no one has figured it out. He had some letters in the decision put in cursive instead of typed. If you put the first 10 cursive letters together you get "Smithy Code", but the judge refuses to reveal the entire code. Hmmm...

I Don't Care If You're in a Wheelchair, Don't Talk to Me That Way!


Two police officers in Florida used a stun gun on a woman in a wheelchair. They said she threatened them with a knife. Isn't this the same place that they handcuffed a 6 year-old girl who was acting up in school? To make matters worse the woman died. Here in Texas, we wouldn't allow police to do that...we'd make them use live ammunition!

Can't Someone Just Channel Him for Free?

For only $9.95 you can hear John Lennon's message to the world from beyond the grave. Pay-per-view to hear John's Electronic Voice Phenomenon. Uh...I think I'll wait to read the review. "The dream is over. What can I say? The dream is over, yesterday."

Too Little Too Late

Some 20+ years after the arrival of AIDS in the West, the Vatican has declared that it's okay for AIDS patients to use condoms. But, truly, what else could you expect from a bunch of old mostly white men? What'll they think of next?

Oh What a Brave Statement!

Now that Bushs's approval ratings are in the mid-thirties, Madeleine Albright says that the invasions of Iraq was the greatest blunder in American foreign policy. Oh, how brave!! Why didn't she say that back in February and March of 2003? Where has she been all this time? Is it just now apparent that it's a blunder? No, not at all. It's been that way all along, the Democrats just don't have the guts to challenge the president.



Way back in the '70s there was a movie called Slap Shot starring Paul Newman. It's about a failing minor league hockey team that resorts to constant fighting and violence to overcome a losing record. The owner, who is gay, show up at one of the half times to berate the players. He says, "You're playing like a bunch of pussies!" That's what the present-day Democrats are doing, they're playing like a bunch of pussies. They can't even get up the nerve to censure the president, much less impeach him.