That's Enough to Make You Want to Commit Suicide


Mary Carey, pornstar and Gubernatorial candidate, has dropped out of the race to be with her mother who tried to kill herself in September. Now, it wouldn't have been because her daughter was a pornstar. No, she's been a pornstar for a long time. It must have been because her daughter had become a Republican politician. I sympathize.

What Do Benin, Bolivia, and Bosnia-Herzegovina Have in Common?

Besides all of their names starting with a "B"? By the way, Benin is a little country in western Africa, Bolivia is a very poor country in the highlands of South America, and well, Bosnia is where they had ethnic cleansing. What do they have in common? They all rank higher on the press freedom ranking than the USA according to Reporters without Borders. Yep, we're tied for number 53 along with (get this) Botswana, Croatia, and Tonga. You remember Botswana don't you? That's the country that had the highest percentage of AIDS in the world in 2001. How about Croatia? Well, besides siding with the Nazis in WWII they also have an affinity for ethnic cleansing. Tonga? Hell, who knows anything about Tonga? We all know one thing about Tonga - they have the same press freedoms that we do. Oh my God! Does the word impeachment ring a bell?

Which Part of "Arrogance and Stupidity" Did He Mean?


Alberto Fernández, a senior US diplomat, said in an interview on Al-Jazeera Saturday, that "there was arrogance and stupidity" on the part of the US regarding Iraq.

Now, he has retracted his statement. He says, "those words do not reflect my opinion nor that of the State Department." Uh, yeah right! You don't choose words like that by mistake. You especially don't if you're a diplomat. No, I think he did mean exactly what he said.

Mr. Fernández says that after he read the translation of his appearance on Al-Jazeera that he "realized that I had spoken mistakenly when I used the phrase 'there was arrogance and stupidity.'"

At first the State Department said that there must have been an error in the translation, but later had to admit that what was wrong wasn't the translation. Mr. Fernández even reiterated his statement on CNN when asked about it that same day. He said, "nothing I said is a revelation." Well, that was then, this is now.

I think I would recant too, if I had a hot poker shoved up my ass! You know something like that happened.

¿No Tenemos Suficientes?


Dicen que Kate Moss está embarazada. ¿De quién? Pues, de su novio por supuesto, Pete Doherty. Pero...¿es que no tenemos bastantes modelos y drogadictos ya? ¡Que Dios lo/nos proteja!

Are They Going to Draft Them?


Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of Almere in the Netherlands, has proposed that the army send prostitutes along with the troops where they are serving overseas. She says this would do away with "sexual tension" between male and female troops. Sounds like a pretty good idea, and it would give new meaning to the words "camp follower." But, how are they going to get the hookers to agree? Conscription? And would the army pay them by contract, or by "piece work"? Just wondering.

I'd Give My Left Nut...


That's what we used to say back when I was younger. We said it in the context of doing something that we very much wanted to do. For example, I'd give my left nut to have her...well, you know what I mean. But, would you have your left nut nailed to a roof just to keep your balance? Maybe, if it meant not fall off.

August Voegl of Austria did just that, only it was an accident. He was repairing a roof with a nail gun in his hand, when he lost his balance and accidentally shot a nail thru his left nut. But, that's not all. He actually nailed (ahem) "himself" to the roof. He had to stay that way until an ambulance arrived.

Borat


The Deputy Foreign Minister of Kazakhstan has invited Borat to come visit. Rakhat Aliev invited Sasha Cohen to visit Kazakhstan to see that "women can drive cars, wine is made from grapes, and that Jews are completely free to go to the synagogue." He claims that it's smarter to invite Borat to come visit than to try to sue him. It would just make Kazakhstan look worse, and Borat better.

Mob Justice

Just some advice...don't go to Oaxaca and piss anybody off. It turns out that the huge "plantón" (sort of an occupation of the main square) in Oaxaca has taken to handling matters of justice. See, the whole city (and some other towns) are completely ungovernable. The Governor has authority in name only, and the striking teachers are demanding that he be removed by the federal government or that he resign. He won´t. Anyway, in the meantime regular crimes happen, so the "population" has taken to dishing out its own justice. From El Universal:

En las primeras horas del miércoles varios sujetos fueron detenidos por la población que se hizo justicia por su propia mano, debido a la falta de seguridad. Juan Cruz Vázquez, un presunto violador, y otro individuo, al parecer asaltante, fueron amarrados a un poste y exhibidos en la vía pública.

The Spanish says: "In the early hours of Wednesday various subjects were detainted by the people who carried out their own form of justice, due to the lack of security. Juan Cruz Vázquez, an alleged rapist, and another individual, suspected of assault, were tied to a post and exhibited in public."

Sounds like what the Pilgrims used to do to lawbreakers back in colonial days.

Hey, I Know That Guy!


British researchers foresee that humans will evolve to be taller and to live 120 years. But, we will also divide into two genetic classes: the genetic elite, and the genetic underclass. They also think we'll get larger heads and bigger dicks.

Oh, So That's What Happened!


All day yesterday I felt a little nauseous. I couldn't figure out why exactly. I reckoned I had taken my "meds" on an empty stomach which can make me feel bad. I had a little to eat and began to feel better. Then later, I felt weird. That's the only word that fits - weird. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't all that good either. My stomach felt bloated and hurt like when you eat too much.

This morning I woke up and felt much better. I went downstairs, got out my pill organizer (yes, it takes a lot for me), and realized that I had taken Thursday's and today's meds yesterday. I've never done that before. I've forgotten to take them at all before, but never taken a double dose. No wonder I felt bad...Duh!

Oaxaca: Now They're Shooting at Each Other

There was a shootout yesterday in Oaxaca. It was the "radicals" against the "moderates." Isn't that always the case? A group of people comes together to achieve something, and before they accomplish it, they wind up warring with each other. Whenever the parties (APPO, Governor, Federal Gov.) come close to an agreement, radicals stir something up to short-circuit the pact. But, the radicals don't attack the opposition, they attack their own party.

It happens over and over - Sunni against Sunni, Shia against Shia, Republicans against Republicans - one side will settle for nothing less than complete humiliation of the opposition, and the other feels willing to negotiate. We sure are a strange species!

An Insult to Hitler?


Kevin Barret, an instructor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, has a membership in the Scholars for 9/11 Truth. He believes that the US Government attacked the World Trade Center and Pentagon on 9-11. He says that it follows the pattern that the Nazis carried out by the burning of the Reichstag. The Nazis had it done so that they could blame it on the Communists. Barret says it was a key to establishing the Nazi dictatorship. Many blame his of likening Bush to Hitler. His reply:

That's not comparing them as people, that's comparing the Reichstag fire to the demolition of the World Trade Center, and that's an accurate comparison that I would stand by. Hitler had a good 20 to 30 IQ points on Bush, so comparing Bush to Hitler would in many ways be an insult to Hitler.

This guy has a way with words doesn't he?

Death by Hoe

No, not ho! It's hoe, you know, like the agricultural tool. A Bulgarian woman killed one of her sons by beating him to death with a hoe back in April of 2005. The court convicted her of murder and sentenced her to 29 years in prison.

Just last month her doctors discovered that the had untreatable cancer and that she had a very short time to live. The authorities decided to release her from prison, so that she could go home and make the best of the time she had left with her husband and other son. Well, she promptly went home and beat her husband to death.

She's back in jail now awaiting trial for killing her husband. She has threatened to kill her other son, if they let her out again. That's why here in Texas we kill 'em before we let 'em out of prison.

New Cure for Hiccups


According to Francis Fesmire, the way to cure hiccups is thru anal massage. What?! In fact she has won the Ig-Nobel Prize for Medicine with her work. Doctor Fesmire had the idea of anus massage when a man came to her clinic with the hiccups. He had been afflicted with 30 hiccups per hour for the past 72 hours, and had tried all the home remedies you can think of. Looks like he didn't think of anal massage, but who would?

The doctor remembered that she had heard that anal massage could make a racing heart slow down, so she decided to try the same thing with hiccups. It worked. But, in spite of winning the Ig-Nobel she now tells patients to have sex that ends with an orgasm and the hiccup cure.

So, how do you go about getting the hiccups?

A Sigh of Relief


The Pope gave a mass, and chose not to make any announcement about the abolition of Limbo (see previous post). So, for the time being, all those angels and whatever that watch over the denizens of Limbo still have a job. Many observers thought that the Pope would announce the closing of Limbo and the lay-off of all those angels during his mass.

The Italian Archbishop Bruno Forte said that the commission is still working on the last draft, and that it wouldn't be out until 2007. Whew! They won't be filing for Unemployment Insurance any time soon. Besides, what would we do for fun at parties without it?

Why Not, Indeed?


Kinky Friedman has gone international! Not only is he running for Governor of Texas (I'm voting for him by the way), he's getting press coverage in the Netherlands. He has some pretty weird position on things that I don't exactly agree with, but hell, don't they all? Besides, he's a fringe candidate, and I like that about him. I love the way his fringe jackets look ;-)

Kinky is my kind of Governor. He doesn't take things too seriously, and God knows we could use some of that around here. As far as I know, he's never sent an IM to a 16 year old page even though his name is Kinky. One of his bumper stickers says, "He Ain't Kinky, He's My Governor."

All Power to the Soviets!


Right, that's close to 100 years old, but something similar is happening in Oaxaca, Mexico. It has reached the point that many observers feel the end will be violence by the military, matched by violence from the people. The Asamblea Popular de los Pueblos de Oaxaca (APPO) has grown to about 800,000 people who are manning barricades, making home-made bombs, and willing to fight. What do they want? They want the Governor of Oaxaca removed from office for abuse of authority. They just might get it, too! The have made the whole state of Oaxaca essentially ungovernable.

It all started with a teachers' strike which the Governor tried to break up with police. The authorities attacked the "plantón" which is an encampment on the zócalo (main plaza) in the center of Oaxaca. The result was several injuries and the beginning of the whole confrontation. Thia has gone on since June, 2006. The plantón still occupies the zócalo and the city is in the control of APPO. The Governor of Oaxaca and the President of Mexico have made gestures toward using military force against APPO, but so far haven't.

The Goddess and I have been to Oaxaca, Oaxaca (the capital city of the State of Oaxaca), and it's a beautiful and friendly place. It's a shame that the folks there had to resort to this, but I believe they are probably justified. Stay tuned, it's bound to be dramatic.

Silicone Breasts a Lifesaver


A 24 year old Bulgarian woman had a traffic accident at one of the major intersections in the city of Ruse. She ran a red light and crashed into another car. But, she survived because her breast implants acted as air bags. The problem is that she can't afford to buy a new car, or new breast implants. New breast implants? Yeah, the ones that saved her life blew up as they cushioned the impact.

Mission Accomplished?



From El Universal website today in history:
1941.- Adolfo Hitler anuncia en la Segunda Guerra Mundial que la Unión Soviética ha sido derrotada por Alemania.

Great news for George w. He's not the first one to declare victory only to be defeated later. On this day in 1941 Adolph Hitler declared victory over the USSR. A mere 4 years later he killed himself rather than be taken prisoner by Soviet troops. Ironic?

But What About All Those Employees?

The Vatican has announced that it will discuss the possible "disappearance" of Limbo. Limbo is that place that babies go to when they die without having committed any sin. They go to Limbo because even though they haven't sinned themselves, they nonetheless have original sin. So, that state of being in limbo is about to be no more.

Since I work in unemployment, I'm worried about all those laid-off angels or whatever they are that are losing their jobs. I mean where's the compassion in that? The Cardinals are probably just saying that they're going to do away with it, because the Vatican doesn't want to be caught out-sourcing all that work to India. Think about it...would you want your loved one to be watched over by contract workers?

Volleyball Diplomacy

At the US - Mexico border in California, there's a 20 ft high fence. Some Americans happened upon the idea of using the fence as a volleyball net. They got going with a pick-up game of some guys on the Mexican side. Now, that's the thing to do with that wall Congress seems determined to build.

Borat at the White House


Borat wanted to invite "Premier George Walter Bush" to the opening of his new movie, but the Secret Service at the White House ran him off before he had the chance to speak to the "Premier." I suspect that George W. could really gain from watching Borat's movie, because it would help him learn to speak English better.

I Knew It! I Knew It!


At an elementary school in Sweden the boys must sit down to pee. Yeah, I knew it would come to this! Women would demand it, and not be happy until we're all sitting to pee and drinking flavored coffee with our legs crossed at the knee. God help us! Have we men ever demanded that women stand up to pee, or demand that they raise the toilet seat? Well, it's about time we did, by God! We can't just take this sitting down. Not at all. In retaliation, let's men start standing up shit. That'll teach 'em!

It's Just an Act

All that supposed sex those vikings have in wild orgies, blah, blah, blah. Uh...no...It's not the case at all. In a survey done by a German research group, Danish women have the least sex of women from 14 countries in Europe. Close behind are the Swedes and Norwegians. Yeah, yeah, all that so called permissive society, porn, legal prostitutes, and so forth. Well, this should put the lie to that!

However, the survey didn't question the viking men. Maybe they're all down in Italy where the women have the most sex.

Is He Dead Yet?

If he is, it would be of "natural" causes. The French newspaper L'Est Republicain reports today the French Intelligence, DGSE, had leaked a story that Osama Bin Laden has died from typhus. In a report dated September 21 the intelligence agency claimed that Bin Laden died in Pakistan. Pakistani authorities said they know nothing of the story. American authorities say that the report has not been confirmed. Jacques Chirac says that he is "surprised" by the story.

Well, I'm not. How many times is this guy gonna die?

Where I Spend Much of My Time


Sad but true. I'm getting old enough that I spend a lot of time at the urinal. I have actually spent a lot of time there for years, because of medication, but it's gettin' worse.

Whose Credibility?


The President, George W., said at the United Nations today that the "credibility of the United Nations is at stake" regarding Dafur. Uh...Whose credibility? Oh...okay...I forgot, he's already lost his.

Talk Like a Pirate Day


Yes, there is an official Talk Like a Pirate Day with an official website. September 19th each year happens to be the day. Mark your calendars.

Nobody Told Us!


From the Austin American Statesman online:

Monday, September 18, 2006, 02:51 PM

The Texas state Capitol had been evacuated this afternoon after authorities received a threat that a bomb had been placed in an underground garage, DPS officials said.

Shortly after 3 p.m., authorities gave the all-clear, and allowed workers back inside the building.

We didn't get the word even though we are part of the "Capitol Complex." However, we did see the employees lounging around out by the Law Enforcement monument. The underground parking in question has its entrance directly in front of the building I work in. What's the deal? I want to get out of here like anyone else does.

Grand Mufti of Srebrenica Invites Pope


Now, this is an interesting take on things. Instead of killing Christians and burning churches like has happened in Palestine, the Grand Mufti of Srebrenica has invited Pope Benedict XVI to come and see the place where 8000 Muslims were slaughtered by Christians in 1995. No, that's not 1295, that's 1995, just 11 years ago. Point made!

Strike That Place from My Itinerary

Tribal leaders in Western India discovered about 1500 kgs of rice missing from a local school. They were unable to find out who was the thief, so they decided make all the men in the village undergo a proof test. Each one is supposed to pluck a ring out of a pot of boiling oil. The police arrested five of the tribal leaders, because they didn't have authority to order that kind of thing. Think the tribal leaders were the ones who did it?

Hmmm...that would be a pretty good trick wouldn't it? Steal the rice, and then order everyone else in the town to stick their hand in boiling oil to find out who did it. You'd have plenty of confessions that way.

Thou Protesteth Too Much


The Pope has insulted Islam. So what? Isn't that what Popes are supposed to do, for God's sake? Besides, some old homo in a white dress says something you don't like, who cares? The guy and his church are irrelevant nowadays anyway.

But, before letting it all drop away, let's think about what he said. He quoted some other old homo in a white dress from about 800 years ago. The second old homo in a white dress said all that Muhammed ever added to religion was the sword and forced conversion. First of all, that's not true. But, that's not the point. The point is that the current Pope offended Muslims by saying that they are part of a violent religion. So, what does he get for his trouble? Death threats. Makes you think he was right, doesn't it?

He's Lookin' Like a Jihadist By Now

Gary Widdle of Ephrata, Washington forgot to shave on September 11, 2001 because of the shocking news of the day. Later that week he decided that he wouldn't shave until Bin Laden was dead or captured. Well, now he's looking more like Bin Laden himself. They say his beard is 30 cm (about 1 foot) by now. Is this guy ever going to shave again, Mr. President? I mean, really, ever shave again?

He's the Axman, Yea-h, He's the Axma-an


A man armed with an ax and a slingshot has taken over Norrbro (which is a bridge, I believe) in Sweden near the Parliament building. He is threatening to kill himself, no not with the ax, by jumping off of the bridge with a rope tied around his neck.

Ohio State No. 1

They beat us, and that did it convincingly. 24-7. Well, they got their revenge for last year's loss. It wasn't really close after early in the 2nd period. I don't know where that puts Texas in the rankings, but I know where it puts OSU!

Drug Use Among Youth Declines


But, their grandparents are using more! According to the Department of Health, in the U.S. drug use among 12 - 17 year olds fell while it went up for 50 - 59 year olds. In fact it went up more than ever. What's that tell ya? Hey, it's hard getting old!

Texas vs Ohio State


Tomorrow evening the University of Texas will play Ohio State University in Royal Memorial Stadium in Austin. That's more than 24 hours from now, but the streets here in Central Austin are already packed with traffic and tailgaters. Yes, the OSU alumni association has leased the entire Erwin Center. I said the entire Erwin Center. It's not unusual for visiting schools' alumni associations to rent part of the Erwin Center, like some meeting rooms. No, OSU has leased the whole sheebang. This is the arena that hosts all UT basket ball games, and virtually all of the big events in Austin. For example, George Strait, The Dixie Chicks, WWE, The World Combat League, Barnum & Bailey Ringling Brothers Circus and others appear in the Erwin Center. Seating in the arena has a capacity of 16,755 which is the largest in the Big 12.

OSU is ranked No. 1 in polls, while UT is ranked No. 2. UT is the defending National Champion, and beat OSU last year in Columbus on the way to the championship. For those who don't know, OSU does not lose football games at home. They will have revenge on their minds with their eyes on a National Championship. It's No. 1 vs No.2 in Austin. As if that's not bad enough, it's the two largest colleges in the nation as well. A few years ago UT passed OSU as the largest university in the country. Lots of ways to describe this one, but suffice it to say, this is the biggest thing to hit Austin since...well, I can't think of anything bigger.

Here I am in Downtown Austin surrounded by cars and tailgaters with traffic described as horrible trying to figure a way out of here. I usually leave at 5:30 and get home between 6:15 and 6:45. Tonight I'm hoping to get home before 8:00. And that may be wildly optimistic.

Hook 'em Horns!

Riding the Metro in Mexico City Can Be...

Fun? Not fun? Shameful? Hard to say. Just look at this quote from a young student in Mexico City:

"Hace unos meses iba a la facultad. A veces el Metro se para un rato por razones desconocidas. Esa mañana ya se me había hecho bastante tarde y estaba muy nervioso. El Metro se detuvo en Insurgentes por más de un cuarto de hora. Iba repleto, el calor era insoportable, y de repente sentí que una mano bajaba el cierre −la cremallera− de mi pantalón. Acto seguido, alguien sacó mi pene de su guarida. Me sorprendió tanto el asalto que me excité enseguida. Se me puso dura en cuestión de segundos y para mayor sorpresa, la mano misteriosa me hizo una chaqueta −paja− rítmica y plácidamente. Me vine rápidamente. Más de lo normal. No sé si me enorgullece o me avergüenza, pero es una de las veces que más rápido he eyaculado. He de decir que en el pasado me han metido mano en el Metro muchas veces, pero nunca con tanto descaro."

Translation: A few months ago I was going to school. Sometimes the Metro stops for a short time for reason unknown. That morning I was already running late and I was very nervous. The Metro stopped at Insurgentes for more than 15 minutes. It was completely full, the heat was unbearable, and suddenly I felt a hand lower the fly - the zipper - on my pants. Right away, someone pulled my penis out of it's hiding place. It surprised me so much that I became excited right away. I got hard within seconds and an even bigger surprise, the mysterious hand began to jack me off rhythmically and slowly. I came quickly. More than normal. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it is one of the fastest times I've ejaculated. I must admit that in the past many times I've had a hand grab me, but never with such lack of shame.

Celebrities More Smitten with Themselves than Average

A study conducted at USC by Drew Pinsky and Mark S Young determined that celebrities have more narcissistic tendencies than the average person. They learned that it's not the fame and bright lights that make people become narcissists, it's that narcissists seek out fame and bright lights.

Another finding shows that celebrity women are more in love with themselves than their male colleagues. So, what does that say about "Stupid Girls" by Pink? Hell, what does it say about Pink?

They Threw Five Heads on the Dancefloor


Human heads - Yes, five human heads thrown onto the dancefloor at a bar in Mexico. Now, I've heard of the band trying to entice people onto the dancefloor, but I don't think this tactic is gonna work very well.

Acutally, it appears to be the result of the ongoing drug war taking place down there. Authorities have arrested several drug lords lately, and that has set off an even more widespread drug war.

The "note" left with the heads said, "The family doesn't kill women, doesn't kill innocents. Only those die who should die. Everybody knows that. This is divine justice."

Symbolism - But for Which One?


Deric Gendron had a hell of a wedding night. Police arrested him not once, but twice. The first time, he had been fighting (physically) with members of the wedding party, and when police arrived his tuxedo shirt was in tatters. A family member paid his bail of $140, whereupon he quickly broke a restraining order that his bride had placed on him. Back to jail, this time without bail.

So, he spent his wedding night in jail. Sounds like a metaphor for the entire relationship, but which one is really the one in jail?

This Guy Is Good!

Make room PGA Tour players, Kim Jong Il is coming to town. North Korea has contracted with a South Korean company to build a luxury vacation resort in North Korean territory for foreign customers. Primarily they have South Koreans in mind as their customers. The resort will include a golf course.

Kim Jong Il reportedly hit the golf ball quite well. In fact, according to North Korean media, Kim made eleven holes-in-one during the first round of golf he ever played in his life. Look out, Tiger!

Nellie Outlived 'Em All


Nellie Connally rode in the limousine as Lee Harvey Oswald (and others?) shot JFK. Most believe he died on the way to the hospital. Nellie's husband, John, was the Governor of Texas (and a Democrat), and therefore they went along with JFK and Jackie. John received a wound that day from the so-called "magic bullet" that passed through JFK's neck then into John's back only to emerge and lodge into his wrist. The other three occupants all died before Nellie, who also passed away on Friday.

Her husband later changed parties and became a Republican. He made a short-lived run for President before the 1980 election. During the primary campaign he made what I consider to be one of the best quotes ever in American political history. When asked about the recent disaster at the Three Mile Island nuclear plant, Connally replied, "More people died at Chappaquiddick than at Three Mile Island."

It's not that I agreed with Connally's politics (I didn't), but it was the outright irreverence of his remark that makes it one of my favorites.

It's All in the Landing


I can attest that the landing makes all the difference when you're using a parachute. A Israeli man who likes to paraglide had a little problem on his landing. He was paragliding in the Golan Heights, and he came down in a minefield between Israel and Syria. Like paragliding is not risky to begin with. Makes my problem look pretty minor doesn't it?

He had to be rescued by helicopter, because no one would go out there to bring him back. Someone probably told him before he jumped, "whatever you do, don't go over there...that's Syria."

Thanks, but No Thanks

Doesn't He Look Happy?
Adam Yehiye Gadahn, the American Al-Qaeda, has invited all of us Americans to convert to Islam and join in the fight. No thanks. I don't think I want to live in a cave trying to hide out from the entire world. Besides, who would really want to live in Afghanistan, if you didn't have to? Talk about bombed back into the Stone Age! Hell, they've been bombed back to the Stone Age three or four times. If it's all the same to you, Adam, I'll just stay where I am with all the other infidels.

Death of a President


That's the name of a movie that will have its world premier in Toronto next month during the Toronto Film Festival. The movie purports to be a "thought-provoking critique" of U.S. society. It will air on a British television network October 9.

Hey, believe me, I do not want Bush to get killed! Look who's in line to take his place. Talk about job security!

Hat Trick

Today September 1 is a hat trick. It's Friday, so that's one. It's payday because it's the first of the month, that's two. It's the beginning of a 3-day weekend, so that's three. We don't get these days very often. Carpe hat trick!

One Year Later


One resident of New Orleans gives her opinion of the situation. I'm with her! But, hell, I thought he was a failure long before Katrina.

Eventually They'll Have to Use a Goddamn Forklift!


Funeral directors in Australia have a new challenge to confront. The people they're burying are so overweight, that the funeral industry association recommends that they use wagons and other lifting devices instead of carrying caskets on their shoulders. Damn, I hate those workers' compensation cases!

They need to start using those lovely bright yellow forklifts that beep when they back up. Imagine at the end of the funeral service a guy in one of those flourescent orange jackets comes driving a forklift in to pick up the casket. He puts the fork under the casket stand, then turns to look over his shoulder and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Fido, Take the Wheel


A woman in China decided to teach her dog to drive her car, because the dog was so fond of riding around in the car. She intended to work the foot pedals, while the dog steered the car. All went well until the dog steered the car into a front-end collision with another vehicle. I wonder if she had her head out the window with her tongue hanging out, and missed it that the dog was steering into another vehicle.

Jesus Christ Is a Puerto Rican


A Puerto Rican man has declared himself Jesus Christ. His birth name is José Luis De Jesus Miranda. He is 60 years old, and lives in Miami. Jesucristo runs a program named Creciendo en Gracia. He travels all over Latin America spreading the Gospel, preaching against all churches. By the way, he carries a U.S. passport.

This is not the first time that God has been declared a Puerto Rican. A play called Steambath depicted God as a Puerto Rican steambath attendant. Granted, it didn't claim that Jesus was Puerto Rican, just that God was. But, according to Christian theology aren't they really one and the same?

This latest "incarnation" of Jesus says that he doesn't pray for anything, because "¿A quién le voy a orar?"

Lost in the Rabbit Hole?


I just got this in my email. What am I supposed to think of that?

Former President Carter Calls Tony Blair Bush's Poodle


Well, okay, not exactly those words, but what does "he is so accomodating and submissive" mean? If you ask me, it means Blair is Bush's poodle. And, being a Texan, Bush wouldn't even like poodles.

They Say It's Hurricane Ernesto

Ché, Raúl, y Fidel
But I know better. It's really Hurricane Che. See it's like this. Fidel is living out his last few months, and Che has come back to pay him a visit in the form of Hurricane Ernesto "Che" Guevara. They say he's going to hit Haiti, and then head right for Jamaica and Cuba. See? What'd I tell ya?

When Your Cell Phone Drops a Call

Just throw it as far as you can. You just might win the World Championship of Telephone Throwing. Lassi Eteläaho of Finland did just that with a throw of 89 meters. He must have been really frustrated with his service provider!

He Has Been Kicked Out of Better Places than This!


What's this world, or solar system, coming to? They've kicked Pluto out. Yeah, they kicked Pluto out of the solar system. Wanna know why? Because he's too little and too eccentric. Hey, that's not fair! Getting kicked out just for being eccentric? Gimme a break, 'cause I'm eccentric too.

I Would Have to Pay Them to Work There


A factory in China that make electric appliances has instituted a new policy for employees who go to the bathroom during work hours. They "fine" them 5 yuan (about half a euro, which is roughly .60 to .65 cents US) each time they leave their work area. Of course, they don't fine them if it's an emergency. Hell, I'd be emergencying all day long. On top of that, they fine the supervisors 2 yuan each time one of their workers leaves the work area. I thought communism was supposed to create a workers' paradise. Paradise my ass!

Why Are These People Shitting on the Toilet Seat?

There's a website called Dr. Natura that promotes a colon cleansing program. For a reason known only to the Doctor, they have published photos on their website of what their customers have shit out during the cleansing. Just click here to see them. Interestingly, many of them have laid their shit out on the toilet seat to provide a white background and good contrast for the picture. Along with the photos, you can read their testimonials about how wonderfully the product works. I don't know for sure, but I don't think I would be taking photos of whatever comes out from a colon cleansing.

Once again, I'm not posting one of the photos, because even I have some sensibilities.

Let's See...Uh, Don't Tell Me...

According to a survey published in the Washington Post this past week, one third of Americans questioned couldn't remember which year the September 11 attacks took place. Hard to believe, right? Well, if you think about it, this is the same populace that elected George W. Bush president. Two times!

It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fashion Curse


The Goddess came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon sporting some lovely attire. She's supposed to wear some special white stockings, called TED hose, for the next 30 days. Yes, 30 days. They're very tight and uncomfortable, she says. I don't doubt it either. You know how the pictures on the TV dinner boxes look nothing like the actual contents of the box? Well, the photo of the TEDs is like that too.

Just How Hot Is It?


The Goddess had surgery on her fake knee this week. She had to have it "rebalanced." Whatever that means. Does that mean that she used to be "unbalanced." Best not go there.

The Goddess likes her room at the hospital to be cold, so I'm having to wear sweat pants and shirts to even survive the night. Here we are during the hottest month (we've had 13 out of the last 16 days over 100F, and the 3 days that weren't over 100 were all 99) and I'm wearing stuff we wear during the winter. BTW, yesterday was 104 which just happens to be 40C, and today is supposed to cool off to 103. The AC at the hospital works a little too well. She had the thermostat on 55 and the fan on hi. I almost froze to death the first night, because I wasn't prepared for the winter. Silly me, I thought it was summer. So, I wear shorts and T-shirts when I'm away from the hospital, and I have to change to winter clothes shortly after I get there.

Last night I sneaked the thermostat up to 60. But, I still had to wear the winter stuff.

O, La Ironía

Hoy día es el aniversario de dos cosas irónicamente ligadas. Hace cuarenta y cinco años se edificó el Muro de Berlín, y hace ochenta años nació Fidel Castro. ¿Interesante, no?

Y además, hoy también se presentaron en el diario cubano, Juventud Rebelde, las primeras fotos del Líder Máximo después de su intervención quirúrgica. Evidentement, está vivo todavía. La molestia de nuestro gobierno y la picadura de avispa a casi todo el mundo de Miami no se ha salido del escenario todavía. ¡Qué no celebren demasiado temprano! El rey no ha muerto.

A pesar de que piensas del viejo cabrón, tienes que admirar su capacidad de permanecer.

¡Mira! El Líder es seguidor de Adidas también. Espera momentito, ¿Adidas? ¿El símbolo de esa compañía capitalista tan cerca del corazón del mundo comunista? Algo huele mal.

A Moment of Silence Followed by Wild and Joyful Dancing

Today, August 9, is the anniversary of the dropping of the 2nd atomic bomb on Japan. Nagasaki to be exact. Let's have a moment of silence.

Today is also the anniversary of Richard Nixon's resignation. Let's have wild and joyful dancing.

Here's hoping that one day we'll see our current president and vice-president convicted of War Crimes at the International Tribunal in The Hague. Let's have a few moments of fervent visualization of George W's conviction.

Oh Those Crazy Vikings!

Berserk is an Old Norse word that comes from beserker:

...berserkers became frenzied in battle, howling like animals, foaming at the mouth, and biting the edges of their iron shields. Berserker is first recorded in English in the early 19th century, long after these wild warriors ceased to exist.

Well, they still make berserkers up there in the Old North. No wonder heavy metal is so popular up in the high northern latitudes. Like they say, changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

A band named Mayhem showed up with the lead singer wearing a pig's head on his head. No, not the plastic kind that Arkansas Razorback fans have - oh no. It was a real pig head, blood and all. If you want to see what he looked like, just click here. But, let me warn you, I didn't post the picture myself for a reason. Even I have some sensibilities!

Place Your Bets


Several online casinos now offer you a chance to bet on when Castro will die, will appear in public, will retake control of the government, blah, blah, blah. Odds right now are 13.50 to 1 that he will appear in public within the next 10 days. They're 16.50 to 1 that he won't. Some casinos will let you bet on the date he will die. Ya takes ya chances.

With the CIA It's Not 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover


No, it's 638 ways to kill Castro. Over his 47 years in power, our spooks have devised 638 ways to do him in. The irony is that he's still hanging on, and looks like he's going to die a natural death. Unless this latest hemorrhaging is number 639 ;-)

Calling a Whore a Whore Is A Crime

At least it is in Italy. A man called his wife a whore because of the way she was dressed. To make it even worse, she in fact was a prostitute earlier in her life. He received a sentence of one year in jail due to "mistreatment and injury" of his wife. He appealed claiming that because she had been a prostitute previously, he should not have to serve his sentence. The court disagreed and said that what the man did injured wife's "moral integrity." The court said that regardless of her previous work what he said was an offense.

Dog Days

It's the dog days of summer. It wasn't until the last few years that I found out dog days refers to the constellation Canis Major that's high in the sky during the Northern Hemisphere summer. I always thought it was about how dogs in the summer don't do anything but lie around and almost never move.

Just to prove it's dog days, today the forecast high in Austin is 99F. The forecast high in NYC is 101F. Hah! It's actually hotter up there than here, but when it's hot in The City it's worse than here.

By the way, I've worked here so damned long that I have underground parking. No hot steering wheel for me!

Paris Beaches: No Topless Sunbathing


There's a beach in Paris? Paris on the ocean? No, but there is a beach there. This summer the city officials imported enough sand to form a beach along the Seine for the public to use during the exceptionally hot summer. However, there'll be no more topless sunbathing, and no more G-strings. If you do, you get fined 38 euro.

This Case Is Not Worth the Urine of an Iraqi Child

That's Saddam Hussein's take on his trial. He may be an evil killer, but he's sure got a way with words. I take it that this is not the Mother of All Trials.

Opblaasman

The Brits call him the "Buddy on Demand". He's an inflatable doll made to sit in your passenger's seat so it will appear that you're not traveling alone. They claim women feel more secure with him there. Well, there's another use for Buddy.

You know those High Occupancy Vehicle lanes in major cities? HOV lanes lets you drive faster than regular freeway traffic. Usually you have to have at least two persons in the car to be able to get in the HOV lane. Sometimes more. I think I see a really good use for old Buddy

Muslim Porn


Don't laugh! It really is porn from the Islamic Republic. Notice how she's just enticing you with that veil pulled away. And not just pulled back, but completely open to view! My Allah!

Hey, It Was Time to Partay!


Jeffrey Pelley killed his father, step-mother, and two step-sisters then went to a party. I guess he reckoned it was time to lighten up. Yeah, I mean killing four family members isn't the most relaxing thing you can do. That was a long time ago when Jeffrey was 17 years old. Hell, he's twice that age now. Only, now he's looking at 260 years in the pen. Just think, if he'd turned himself in back then and got the same sentence, he'd only have 243 years left to go.