Grand Mufti of Srebrenica Invites Pope


Now, this is an interesting take on things. Instead of killing Christians and burning churches like has happened in Palestine, the Grand Mufti of Srebrenica has invited Pope Benedict XVI to come and see the place where 8000 Muslims were slaughtered by Christians in 1995. No, that's not 1295, that's 1995, just 11 years ago. Point made!

Strike That Place from My Itinerary

Tribal leaders in Western India discovered about 1500 kgs of rice missing from a local school. They were unable to find out who was the thief, so they decided make all the men in the village undergo a proof test. Each one is supposed to pluck a ring out of a pot of boiling oil. The police arrested five of the tribal leaders, because they didn't have authority to order that kind of thing. Think the tribal leaders were the ones who did it?

Hmmm...that would be a pretty good trick wouldn't it? Steal the rice, and then order everyone else in the town to stick their hand in boiling oil to find out who did it. You'd have plenty of confessions that way.

Thou Protesteth Too Much


The Pope has insulted Islam. So what? Isn't that what Popes are supposed to do, for God's sake? Besides, some old homo in a white dress says something you don't like, who cares? The guy and his church are irrelevant nowadays anyway.

But, before letting it all drop away, let's think about what he said. He quoted some other old homo in a white dress from about 800 years ago. The second old homo in a white dress said all that Muhammed ever added to religion was the sword and forced conversion. First of all, that's not true. But, that's not the point. The point is that the current Pope offended Muslims by saying that they are part of a violent religion. So, what does he get for his trouble? Death threats. Makes you think he was right, doesn't it?

He's Lookin' Like a Jihadist By Now

Gary Widdle of Ephrata, Washington forgot to shave on September 11, 2001 because of the shocking news of the day. Later that week he decided that he wouldn't shave until Bin Laden was dead or captured. Well, now he's looking more like Bin Laden himself. They say his beard is 30 cm (about 1 foot) by now. Is this guy ever going to shave again, Mr. President? I mean, really, ever shave again?

He's the Axman, Yea-h, He's the Axma-an


A man armed with an ax and a slingshot has taken over Norrbro (which is a bridge, I believe) in Sweden near the Parliament building. He is threatening to kill himself, no not with the ax, by jumping off of the bridge with a rope tied around his neck.

Ohio State No. 1

They beat us, and that did it convincingly. 24-7. Well, they got their revenge for last year's loss. It wasn't really close after early in the 2nd period. I don't know where that puts Texas in the rankings, but I know where it puts OSU!

Drug Use Among Youth Declines


But, their grandparents are using more! According to the Department of Health, in the U.S. drug use among 12 - 17 year olds fell while it went up for 50 - 59 year olds. In fact it went up more than ever. What's that tell ya? Hey, it's hard getting old!

Texas vs Ohio State


Tomorrow evening the University of Texas will play Ohio State University in Royal Memorial Stadium in Austin. That's more than 24 hours from now, but the streets here in Central Austin are already packed with traffic and tailgaters. Yes, the OSU alumni association has leased the entire Erwin Center. I said the entire Erwin Center. It's not unusual for visiting schools' alumni associations to rent part of the Erwin Center, like some meeting rooms. No, OSU has leased the whole sheebang. This is the arena that hosts all UT basket ball games, and virtually all of the big events in Austin. For example, George Strait, The Dixie Chicks, WWE, The World Combat League, Barnum & Bailey Ringling Brothers Circus and others appear in the Erwin Center. Seating in the arena has a capacity of 16,755 which is the largest in the Big 12.

OSU is ranked No. 1 in polls, while UT is ranked No. 2. UT is the defending National Champion, and beat OSU last year in Columbus on the way to the championship. For those who don't know, OSU does not lose football games at home. They will have revenge on their minds with their eyes on a National Championship. It's No. 1 vs No.2 in Austin. As if that's not bad enough, it's the two largest colleges in the nation as well. A few years ago UT passed OSU as the largest university in the country. Lots of ways to describe this one, but suffice it to say, this is the biggest thing to hit Austin since...well, I can't think of anything bigger.

Here I am in Downtown Austin surrounded by cars and tailgaters with traffic described as horrible trying to figure a way out of here. I usually leave at 5:30 and get home between 6:15 and 6:45. Tonight I'm hoping to get home before 8:00. And that may be wildly optimistic.

Hook 'em Horns!

Riding the Metro in Mexico City Can Be...

Fun? Not fun? Shameful? Hard to say. Just look at this quote from a young student in Mexico City:

"Hace unos meses iba a la facultad. A veces el Metro se para un rato por razones desconocidas. Esa mañana ya se me había hecho bastante tarde y estaba muy nervioso. El Metro se detuvo en Insurgentes por más de un cuarto de hora. Iba repleto, el calor era insoportable, y de repente sentí que una mano bajaba el cierre −la cremallera− de mi pantalón. Acto seguido, alguien sacó mi pene de su guarida. Me sorprendió tanto el asalto que me excité enseguida. Se me puso dura en cuestión de segundos y para mayor sorpresa, la mano misteriosa me hizo una chaqueta −paja− rítmica y plácidamente. Me vine rápidamente. Más de lo normal. No sé si me enorgullece o me avergüenza, pero es una de las veces que más rápido he eyaculado. He de decir que en el pasado me han metido mano en el Metro muchas veces, pero nunca con tanto descaro."

Translation: A few months ago I was going to school. Sometimes the Metro stops for a short time for reason unknown. That morning I was already running late and I was very nervous. The Metro stopped at Insurgentes for more than 15 minutes. It was completely full, the heat was unbearable, and suddenly I felt a hand lower the fly - the zipper - on my pants. Right away, someone pulled my penis out of it's hiding place. It surprised me so much that I became excited right away. I got hard within seconds and an even bigger surprise, the mysterious hand began to jack me off rhythmically and slowly. I came quickly. More than normal. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it is one of the fastest times I've ejaculated. I must admit that in the past many times I've had a hand grab me, but never with such lack of shame.

Celebrities More Smitten with Themselves than Average

A study conducted at USC by Drew Pinsky and Mark S Young determined that celebrities have more narcissistic tendencies than the average person. They learned that it's not the fame and bright lights that make people become narcissists, it's that narcissists seek out fame and bright lights.

Another finding shows that celebrity women are more in love with themselves than their male colleagues. So, what does that say about "Stupid Girls" by Pink? Hell, what does it say about Pink?

They Threw Five Heads on the Dancefloor


Human heads - Yes, five human heads thrown onto the dancefloor at a bar in Mexico. Now, I've heard of the band trying to entice people onto the dancefloor, but I don't think this tactic is gonna work very well.

Acutally, it appears to be the result of the ongoing drug war taking place down there. Authorities have arrested several drug lords lately, and that has set off an even more widespread drug war.

The "note" left with the heads said, "The family doesn't kill women, doesn't kill innocents. Only those die who should die. Everybody knows that. This is divine justice."

Symbolism - But for Which One?


Deric Gendron had a hell of a wedding night. Police arrested him not once, but twice. The first time, he had been fighting (physically) with members of the wedding party, and when police arrived his tuxedo shirt was in tatters. A family member paid his bail of $140, whereupon he quickly broke a restraining order that his bride had placed on him. Back to jail, this time without bail.

So, he spent his wedding night in jail. Sounds like a metaphor for the entire relationship, but which one is really the one in jail?

This Guy Is Good!

Make room PGA Tour players, Kim Jong Il is coming to town. North Korea has contracted with a South Korean company to build a luxury vacation resort in North Korean territory for foreign customers. Primarily they have South Koreans in mind as their customers. The resort will include a golf course.

Kim Jong Il reportedly hit the golf ball quite well. In fact, according to North Korean media, Kim made eleven holes-in-one during the first round of golf he ever played in his life. Look out, Tiger!

Nellie Outlived 'Em All


Nellie Connally rode in the limousine as Lee Harvey Oswald (and others?) shot JFK. Most believe he died on the way to the hospital. Nellie's husband, John, was the Governor of Texas (and a Democrat), and therefore they went along with JFK and Jackie. John received a wound that day from the so-called "magic bullet" that passed through JFK's neck then into John's back only to emerge and lodge into his wrist. The other three occupants all died before Nellie, who also passed away on Friday.

Her husband later changed parties and became a Republican. He made a short-lived run for President before the 1980 election. During the primary campaign he made what I consider to be one of the best quotes ever in American political history. When asked about the recent disaster at the Three Mile Island nuclear plant, Connally replied, "More people died at Chappaquiddick than at Three Mile Island."

It's not that I agreed with Connally's politics (I didn't), but it was the outright irreverence of his remark that makes it one of my favorites.

It's All in the Landing


I can attest that the landing makes all the difference when you're using a parachute. A Israeli man who likes to paraglide had a little problem on his landing. He was paragliding in the Golan Heights, and he came down in a minefield between Israel and Syria. Like paragliding is not risky to begin with. Makes my problem look pretty minor doesn't it?

He had to be rescued by helicopter, because no one would go out there to bring him back. Someone probably told him before he jumped, "whatever you do, don't go over there...that's Syria."

Thanks, but No Thanks

Doesn't He Look Happy?
Adam Yehiye Gadahn, the American Al-Qaeda, has invited all of us Americans to convert to Islam and join in the fight. No thanks. I don't think I want to live in a cave trying to hide out from the entire world. Besides, who would really want to live in Afghanistan, if you didn't have to? Talk about bombed back into the Stone Age! Hell, they've been bombed back to the Stone Age three or four times. If it's all the same to you, Adam, I'll just stay where I am with all the other infidels.

Death of a President


That's the name of a movie that will have its world premier in Toronto next month during the Toronto Film Festival. The movie purports to be a "thought-provoking critique" of U.S. society. It will air on a British television network October 9.

Hey, believe me, I do not want Bush to get killed! Look who's in line to take his place. Talk about job security!

Hat Trick

Today September 1 is a hat trick. It's Friday, so that's one. It's payday because it's the first of the month, that's two. It's the beginning of a 3-day weekend, so that's three. We don't get these days very often. Carpe hat trick!

One Year Later


One resident of New Orleans gives her opinion of the situation. I'm with her! But, hell, I thought he was a failure long before Katrina.

Eventually They'll Have to Use a Goddamn Forklift!


Funeral directors in Australia have a new challenge to confront. The people they're burying are so overweight, that the funeral industry association recommends that they use wagons and other lifting devices instead of carrying caskets on their shoulders. Damn, I hate those workers' compensation cases!

They need to start using those lovely bright yellow forklifts that beep when they back up. Imagine at the end of the funeral service a guy in one of those flourescent orange jackets comes driving a forklift in to pick up the casket. He puts the fork under the casket stand, then turns to look over his shoulder and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Fido, Take the Wheel


A woman in China decided to teach her dog to drive her car, because the dog was so fond of riding around in the car. She intended to work the foot pedals, while the dog steered the car. All went well until the dog steered the car into a front-end collision with another vehicle. I wonder if she had her head out the window with her tongue hanging out, and missed it that the dog was steering into another vehicle.

Jesus Christ Is a Puerto Rican


A Puerto Rican man has declared himself Jesus Christ. His birth name is José Luis De Jesus Miranda. He is 60 years old, and lives in Miami. Jesucristo runs a program named Creciendo en Gracia. He travels all over Latin America spreading the Gospel, preaching against all churches. By the way, he carries a U.S. passport.

This is not the first time that God has been declared a Puerto Rican. A play called Steambath depicted God as a Puerto Rican steambath attendant. Granted, it didn't claim that Jesus was Puerto Rican, just that God was. But, according to Christian theology aren't they really one and the same?

This latest "incarnation" of Jesus says that he doesn't pray for anything, because "¿A quién le voy a orar?"

Lost in the Rabbit Hole?


I just got this in my email. What am I supposed to think of that?

Former President Carter Calls Tony Blair Bush's Poodle


Well, okay, not exactly those words, but what does "he is so accomodating and submissive" mean? If you ask me, it means Blair is Bush's poodle. And, being a Texan, Bush wouldn't even like poodles.

They Say It's Hurricane Ernesto

Ché, Raúl, y Fidel
But I know better. It's really Hurricane Che. See it's like this. Fidel is living out his last few months, and Che has come back to pay him a visit in the form of Hurricane Ernesto "Che" Guevara. They say he's going to hit Haiti, and then head right for Jamaica and Cuba. See? What'd I tell ya?

When Your Cell Phone Drops a Call

Just throw it as far as you can. You just might win the World Championship of Telephone Throwing. Lassi Eteläaho of Finland did just that with a throw of 89 meters. He must have been really frustrated with his service provider!

He Has Been Kicked Out of Better Places than This!


What's this world, or solar system, coming to? They've kicked Pluto out. Yeah, they kicked Pluto out of the solar system. Wanna know why? Because he's too little and too eccentric. Hey, that's not fair! Getting kicked out just for being eccentric? Gimme a break, 'cause I'm eccentric too.

I Would Have to Pay Them to Work There


A factory in China that make electric appliances has instituted a new policy for employees who go to the bathroom during work hours. They "fine" them 5 yuan (about half a euro, which is roughly .60 to .65 cents US) each time they leave their work area. Of course, they don't fine them if it's an emergency. Hell, I'd be emergencying all day long. On top of that, they fine the supervisors 2 yuan each time one of their workers leaves the work area. I thought communism was supposed to create a workers' paradise. Paradise my ass!

Why Are These People Shitting on the Toilet Seat?

There's a website called Dr. Natura that promotes a colon cleansing program. For a reason known only to the Doctor, they have published photos on their website of what their customers have shit out during the cleansing. Just click here to see them. Interestingly, many of them have laid their shit out on the toilet seat to provide a white background and good contrast for the picture. Along with the photos, you can read their testimonials about how wonderfully the product works. I don't know for sure, but I don't think I would be taking photos of whatever comes out from a colon cleansing.

Once again, I'm not posting one of the photos, because even I have some sensibilities.

Let's See...Uh, Don't Tell Me...

According to a survey published in the Washington Post this past week, one third of Americans questioned couldn't remember which year the September 11 attacks took place. Hard to believe, right? Well, if you think about it, this is the same populace that elected George W. Bush president. Two times!

It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fashion Curse


The Goddess came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon sporting some lovely attire. She's supposed to wear some special white stockings, called TED hose, for the next 30 days. Yes, 30 days. They're very tight and uncomfortable, she says. I don't doubt it either. You know how the pictures on the TV dinner boxes look nothing like the actual contents of the box? Well, the photo of the TEDs is like that too.

Just How Hot Is It?


The Goddess had surgery on her fake knee this week. She had to have it "rebalanced." Whatever that means. Does that mean that she used to be "unbalanced." Best not go there.

The Goddess likes her room at the hospital to be cold, so I'm having to wear sweat pants and shirts to even survive the night. Here we are during the hottest month (we've had 13 out of the last 16 days over 100F, and the 3 days that weren't over 100 were all 99) and I'm wearing stuff we wear during the winter. BTW, yesterday was 104 which just happens to be 40C, and today is supposed to cool off to 103. The AC at the hospital works a little too well. She had the thermostat on 55 and the fan on hi. I almost froze to death the first night, because I wasn't prepared for the winter. Silly me, I thought it was summer. So, I wear shorts and T-shirts when I'm away from the hospital, and I have to change to winter clothes shortly after I get there.

Last night I sneaked the thermostat up to 60. But, I still had to wear the winter stuff.

O, La Ironía

Hoy día es el aniversario de dos cosas irónicamente ligadas. Hace cuarenta y cinco años se edificó el Muro de Berlín, y hace ochenta años nació Fidel Castro. ¿Interesante, no?

Y además, hoy también se presentaron en el diario cubano, Juventud Rebelde, las primeras fotos del Líder Máximo después de su intervención quirúrgica. Evidentement, está vivo todavía. La molestia de nuestro gobierno y la picadura de avispa a casi todo el mundo de Miami no se ha salido del escenario todavía. ¡Qué no celebren demasiado temprano! El rey no ha muerto.

A pesar de que piensas del viejo cabrón, tienes que admirar su capacidad de permanecer.

¡Mira! El Líder es seguidor de Adidas también. Espera momentito, ¿Adidas? ¿El símbolo de esa compañía capitalista tan cerca del corazón del mundo comunista? Algo huele mal.

A Moment of Silence Followed by Wild and Joyful Dancing

Today, August 9, is the anniversary of the dropping of the 2nd atomic bomb on Japan. Nagasaki to be exact. Let's have a moment of silence.

Today is also the anniversary of Richard Nixon's resignation. Let's have wild and joyful dancing.

Here's hoping that one day we'll see our current president and vice-president convicted of War Crimes at the International Tribunal in The Hague. Let's have a few moments of fervent visualization of George W's conviction.

Oh Those Crazy Vikings!

Berserk is an Old Norse word that comes from beserker:

...berserkers became frenzied in battle, howling like animals, foaming at the mouth, and biting the edges of their iron shields. Berserker is first recorded in English in the early 19th century, long after these wild warriors ceased to exist.

Well, they still make berserkers up there in the Old North. No wonder heavy metal is so popular up in the high northern latitudes. Like they say, changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

A band named Mayhem showed up with the lead singer wearing a pig's head on his head. No, not the plastic kind that Arkansas Razorback fans have - oh no. It was a real pig head, blood and all. If you want to see what he looked like, just click here. But, let me warn you, I didn't post the picture myself for a reason. Even I have some sensibilities!

Place Your Bets


Several online casinos now offer you a chance to bet on when Castro will die, will appear in public, will retake control of the government, blah, blah, blah. Odds right now are 13.50 to 1 that he will appear in public within the next 10 days. They're 16.50 to 1 that he won't. Some casinos will let you bet on the date he will die. Ya takes ya chances.

With the CIA It's Not 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover


No, it's 638 ways to kill Castro. Over his 47 years in power, our spooks have devised 638 ways to do him in. The irony is that he's still hanging on, and looks like he's going to die a natural death. Unless this latest hemorrhaging is number 639 ;-)

Calling a Whore a Whore Is A Crime

At least it is in Italy. A man called his wife a whore because of the way she was dressed. To make it even worse, she in fact was a prostitute earlier in her life. He received a sentence of one year in jail due to "mistreatment and injury" of his wife. He appealed claiming that because she had been a prostitute previously, he should not have to serve his sentence. The court disagreed and said that what the man did injured wife's "moral integrity." The court said that regardless of her previous work what he said was an offense.

Dog Days

It's the dog days of summer. It wasn't until the last few years that I found out dog days refers to the constellation Canis Major that's high in the sky during the Northern Hemisphere summer. I always thought it was about how dogs in the summer don't do anything but lie around and almost never move.

Just to prove it's dog days, today the forecast high in Austin is 99F. The forecast high in NYC is 101F. Hah! It's actually hotter up there than here, but when it's hot in The City it's worse than here.

By the way, I've worked here so damned long that I have underground parking. No hot steering wheel for me!

Paris Beaches: No Topless Sunbathing


There's a beach in Paris? Paris on the ocean? No, but there is a beach there. This summer the city officials imported enough sand to form a beach along the Seine for the public to use during the exceptionally hot summer. However, there'll be no more topless sunbathing, and no more G-strings. If you do, you get fined 38 euro.

This Case Is Not Worth the Urine of an Iraqi Child

That's Saddam Hussein's take on his trial. He may be an evil killer, but he's sure got a way with words. I take it that this is not the Mother of All Trials.

Opblaasman

The Brits call him the "Buddy on Demand". He's an inflatable doll made to sit in your passenger's seat so it will appear that you're not traveling alone. They claim women feel more secure with him there. Well, there's another use for Buddy.

You know those High Occupancy Vehicle lanes in major cities? HOV lanes lets you drive faster than regular freeway traffic. Usually you have to have at least two persons in the car to be able to get in the HOV lane. Sometimes more. I think I see a really good use for old Buddy

Muslim Porn


Don't laugh! It really is porn from the Islamic Republic. Notice how she's just enticing you with that veil pulled away. And not just pulled back, but completely open to view! My Allah!

Hey, It Was Time to Partay!


Jeffrey Pelley killed his father, step-mother, and two step-sisters then went to a party. I guess he reckoned it was time to lighten up. Yeah, I mean killing four family members isn't the most relaxing thing you can do. That was a long time ago when Jeffrey was 17 years old. Hell, he's twice that age now. Only, now he's looking at 260 years in the pen. Just think, if he'd turned himself in back then and got the same sentence, he'd only have 243 years left to go.

Harold and Maude: The Sequel

They're actually named Simon and Edna, but they remind me of Harold and Maude. Many folks are too young to remember, but I guess I'm showing my age. Anyway, I say congratulations.

So If He Goes Impotent, Will He Cut Off His Penis?


Mickey Rourke found a unique way to get rid of his frustrations: He cut off his pinky finger. Well, not the whole thing, just the tip of it. He said he suddenly thought that he didn't need it anymore anyway. So, if his dick goes limp is he gonna cut it off too?

Cayenne Ain't Just a Pepper


No, it's also a Sinus Buster! You see, I'm still suffering from my sinus problems, but not near as much. I googled home remedies for sinusitis, and I found the Sinus Buster website. It uses the substance in the cayenne pepper called capsaicin in a metered nasal spray to shrink sinuses. Of course, the site has all kinds of testimonials. I ponied up my $20 or so, and got a spray bottle of it last week.

I won't lie, it burns. Oh yeah, it burns. But, it's not as bad as I expected it to be. Anyway, it really works! I have no trouble breathing at all any more. I still csn't smell or taste food, but I've come to like the loss of smell in certain situations. In fact, those situations are quite numerous. Even more frequent that I first thought.

Most people smell everything until they decide to hold their nose when something smells bad. What I'd like to do now is to change my default setting to no smell. But, to be able to smell when I specifically wanted to. Now, that's an idea for science!

It's Hot All Over

Not only is Europe suffering thru a heat wave, we are too! Well, actually ours is more expected...hell, it's this way every summer. So, what's new? Nothing really, except the usual complaining - God (followed by 1.5 second wait) Damn, it's hot! This is muttered by old timers and new timers alike. There's a point when even the sun worshippers can't take any more.

The forecast high for today in Austin is 104F (40C). Park your car in the sun, and you get to practice some one-finger-on-the-steering-wheel driving. Holding the steering wheel long enough to turn a corner is a bitch!

World Champion Vacationers

If you're going to be World Champs at something, then being World Champs at vacationing would be the best. The Dutch have won that prize, and it didn't take taunting the competition either. No headbutts, no cussing, no whatever. Well, there probably was some cussing somewhere, but it doesn't count. Now, there's a bunch of people after my own heart: World Champion Vacationers! It's tough, but somebody's got to do it.

No, the Traffic Is Not Moving


Before I left for work this morning, the Goddess called to tell me that she had heard on the radio that there was a major accident on I-35. She said it involved a gasoline spill. I later learned that it involved 7 (yes, seven) 18-wheelers and 3 cars. (I suppose that would be 129 wheels) I decided to take another route which is usually too slow, but I figured it might be better than the Interstate today.

Bad idea! I wound up driving in just as much traffic while trying to avoid the traffic. It's sort of one of those Oedipus Rex things. The more you try to avoid the problem, the more you bring it on. It took me over an hour and a half to get here today. That's 90 minutes to go about 30 km. What is that...about 3 or 3.5 km per hour? That last half of it was at about 110 km per hour, because once I got by the bottleneck, it was clear sailing.

How Many Can You Knock Down?


The Zidane vs. Materazzi knock down a la World Wrestling Entertainment is now a computer game! Yes, you get to see how many Materazzis you can take out, and get red-carded. I tried it myself, and I took down about 8 or 10. I wasn't really counting, because it was so much fun. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

It's About Fucking Time!

A Defense Department memo signed by Gordon England, the number 2 man at the DOD, states that even "enemy combatants" are covered by the Geneva Convention. This whole thing is in response to the Supreme Court's ruling saying that military tribunals, as done by the Bush Administration, violate the Constitution and the Geneva Convention.

One rhetorical questions: If you violate the Geneva Convention, doesn't that make you a war criminal?

Don't Say You Haven't Wanted to Do This Too


Let's just re-live the moment...Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

The Ultimate in Self-Centeredness

That's what some people consider suicide to be. A person who would do that has no thought for others and how they may be affected. That's at least one way to look at it. Anyway, it looks like the building collapse in NYC today may have been a botched suicide attempt. I say botched because evidently the suicider was taken to a hospital with severe burns. If you're gonna take the whole building with you, you'd better make sure you die in the process. i have a feeling this guy is gonna wish even more that he hadn't survived.

Is That What Oxymoron Means?


The first style show in decades took place in Kabul, Afghanistan. The models were all foreign, but they all wore hijabs (at the least). There was even a part dedicated to burqas. Yes, burqas. If you're going to model burqas, do you even have to be good-looking? For that matter, do you even have to be a woman?

What Did You Do in the 60s, Daddy?


Researchers in the U.K. have concluded that most 50-somethings lie to their kids about what they did in the 60s. Seems they embellish their carrying-ons. They say they were too high to remember it all. They all saw the Beatles in person, had all kinds of sex, blah, blah, blah. The truth is that 8% used cannabis, and fewer than 1% took LSD.

Hell, I remember too much from the 60s, and I'm one of that 8%! Or am I embellishing? ;-)

What Do You Call It When Someone Looks Good from Behind, but...


Ugly from the front? Like the Lyle Lovett song "She's Hot to Go." Well, I guess we would say what ol' Lyle said, "She was ugly from the front." But, now I understand there's a Japanese word for just that thing: Bakku-shan.

Guy 1: Hey, man, look at her...whoa!
Guy 2: Be careful, buddy, she might just be bakku-shan.

Kenny Boy Is Dead


Like I said when Slobo Milo died, it couldn't have happened to a better guy. Only problem is that Kenny Boy died at this vacation home in Aspen, and Slobo died in a prison cell. Kenny Boy should have had the same fate.

You know, in some other countries economic crimes are punishable by death. Lucky for Kenny Boy, he didn't get caught in China.

Now, about that White House connection and where he got that nickname in the first place...

Nevada Gubenatorial Candidate


In the theme of freedom on July 4th it's only right to point out one of the Republican candidates for Governor of Nevada. Her name is Melody Damayo aka Mimi Miyagi. So, what's so internesting about that? Well, Melody is a former pornstar and she's a Republican! Why is it that the porn stars that enter politics do so as Republicans? Mary Carey ran as a Republican. Why, she even visited the White House as one of the Republican candidates.

Democrats are always the ones caught up in sex scandals, it's not often the Republicans. Republicans' weakness is for money. They always get caught with their hands in the cash register, and Democrats always get caught with their hands in their (or someone else's) pants.

Adieu, Bresil


What? Brazil is out of the World Cup? That can't be right! And it's the French that beat 'em? That can't be right either! The frogs knocked out the perennial favorite and defending champion. That means there won't be the standard final with someone playing Brazil. Okay, maybe that hasn't always happened, but we certainly expected it this time. So, as of now, it's Portugal, France, Italy, and Germany. It's an all EU final four. I don't know who I'm for now. I suppose the true underdog is Portugal, because they haven't made it this far in something like 50 years. Besides, they speak Portuguese just like Brazil. That's it! The champion will still speak Portuguese, so let's pull for Portugal.

This Is a Fine Mess You Got Me Into, Dick


Just imagine what ol' George W. is thinkin' now that the Supremes say he overreached his power, violated the constitution, and broke international law.

"Uh...Dick...you promised me this was okay!" "What's next, war crimes trials?"

South Korean Threatens Swiss Embassy

A South Korean man called directory assistance to request the phone number of the Swiss Embassy, because he was going "over there to blow the place up." Why? South Korea lost to Switzerland in the World Cup and was eliminated from the tournament. At least it wasn't over something stupid like cartoons of Mohammed!

More Than He Ever Dreamed Of


Charles Lennon had a problem with impotence back in 1996 (before Viagra). He had surgery to put an implant in his penis that would make it become erect when it was "sexually handled." Well, that didn't happen. Instead he was rewarded with a permanent erection. Ten year hard-on, folks. What's that old saying - be careful what you ask for, you just might get it? So, what did he get for his trouble? He got $400,000. The McDonald's hot-coffee-spiller got more than that!

Oh, and one other thing...Mr. Lennon still has the hard-on. He can't undergo surgery to remove it due to other health reasons. Sounds like a career in porn would be just the thing.

That Other Florida Story

CNN and everyone else is all lit up about the Al-Qaeda cell in Miami. It's probably going to turn out to be a bunch of young fuck-ups thinking they were tough. Anyway, that's not the other Florida story.

The other story is about Mr. Enrique Garcia from Stuart, Florida who was caught in flagrante delicto fucking his puppy "Snoopy." Authorities found him completely unclothed and uh...well...penetrating the dog in the woods behind his house. (No photos needed, right?) What did he have to say for himself? "It's my dog, what's the problem?" Well...that's Florida for ya. No wonder they voted for Bush and elected his brother Governor.

Hell, I Could Do That!

The US Army reports that Saddam Hussein has ended his hunger strike. So, how long was it? From dinner one night to breakfast the next morning? That's what breakfast means by the way, breaking the overnight fast. Man, that Saddam sure is noble, isn't he?

Oh, What a Noble Figure!


Get this...Saddam Hussein has gone on a hunger strike. One of the most self-centered, self-indulgent, assholes in human history goes on a hunger strike, because his lawyers keep getting killed. Wow, that's a page right out of Gandhi! What a pacifist! Don't make me gag.

I Thought Only Men Did That

A 79 year-old grandmother became so jealous of her ex-boyfriend (?) that she shot him dead after he ended their relationship. The police showed up and found her in a bathrobe and hairnet waving her pistol around. She said, "I did it, and I will do it again." Just what did she do? She shot the man five times in the head. Yeah, five times in the head.

NYC Number One

You ain't gonna believe this, but New York City is the most courteous city in the world. That's according to Reader's Digest anyway. Could that possibly be true? It's sure they're reputation, now it it?

Male or Female Brain

Men and women have differences in their brains. Duh! Well, anyway you can find out which kind of brain you have. Click here.

You Call That Lunch?


Well, yeah, that's what you call it when you eat in the middle of the day, isn't it?
Peanut butter, crackers, and a bottle of water with apple cider vinegar. No, it's not a fresh bottle of Ozarka. I'm too cheap for that.

iPodding to Work


Yes, that's me listening to my iPod. Actually I was listening to a podcast called "Langsam Gesprochene Nachrichten" from Deutsche Welle. That means "Slowly Spoken News" for people who are trying to learn German. Hey, somebody's gotta do it!

¡Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ol!


Finally the US gets a point in the World Cup! And against the Italians at that! Wow, with the Czechs losing to Ghana it's an open group. We're still not out of it, but it's going to be hard to win Group E for whoever does it. Three red cards in the game. Two of them on Americans.

Even Man's Best Friend Has Limits


Police in Modena, Utah spotted Nicholas T. Galanis on the street and wanted to talk to him about a suspected theft. Nick saw the cops too, and jumped into his car with his Pit Bull. Thus began a high-speed chase. The officers in pursuit noticed that the dog in the passenger seat was being thrown around the car hitting his head on the window. The wild ride eventually became too much for the dog. He bit Nick on the face and nose which left poor Nick missing a part of his nose. Two lessons here: 1) Don't run from the cops 2)If you do, don't bring your dog along.

Garden Gnome Liberation Front


There is an organization in Switzerland called the Garden Gnome Liberation Front that is going around "liberating" garden gnome statues. The estimated population of garden gnomes in Europe is 30 million. They've got a long way to go.

Your Freedom Fighter Is Our Terrorist


Or something like that. I had heard some "fringe nuts" say that Menachem Begin was a terrorist before he got respectable and became Prime Minister of Israel. He was a member of Irgun, I believe. The Irgun was the Hamas of its day, only it was Jewish. Anyway, now the story comes out that Begin sold his gold watch to finance an assassination attempt against Konrad Adenaur, the Chancellor of West Germany at the time.

Begin later shared the Nobel Peace Prize with Anwar Sadat. Now ain't that sumpthin'? Perhaps one day Osama will be one of our strongest allies. Hey, it's happened before!

Carrying Coal to Newcastle? How about STDs?


Some public employees in Britain working for the Department of the Environment in Newcastle are undergoing an investigation because they've been accused of having sex in the rest room by an anonymous co-worker. Now, I work for the government too (in Texas anyway), and I've seen what "public servants" look like. Believe me, they're not particularly attractive. But, I guess that's not the point, is it?

The "whistleblower" decries his co-workers' "depravity." Maybe the accused should accuse the whistleblower of "jealousy."

The President Is Worried


Yes, he says he's seriously concerned about the triple suicide at Guantanamo. He is? When did he become worried...just yesterday? So far, he hasn't been worried at all about it. I mean he has ignored the EU, UN, OAS, Amnisty International, Human Rights Watch, and everyone else that has said to close that prison down. There have been revelations galore about mistreatment of prisoners, desecration of the Koran (which is another thing entirely), torture dressed up as a "stress interview", and only God knows what else. None of those requests from international organizations or revelations about conditions have cause His Royal Highness any consternation at all.

I'm doubtful that his newfound concern is anything other than some kind of self-serving crap that he wants us to swallow. Doubtful might be to mild a word. Let me do that over. I'm convinced that his newfound concern is anything other than some kind of self-serving crap that he wants us to swallow.