Put Down that Cancer Stick and Perk Up Your Dick


Australian researchers have concluded that men who some more than a pack of cigarettes per day have a 40% greater chance of suffering erectile dysfunction than those who don't smoke. Those who smoke, but smoke less than a pack per day have a 24% greater chance of having hard-on problems. Hey, what about those men who used to smoke, but have quit? Yeah, what about us!? For that matter, what about chix with dicks?

Ironic


Okay, so you have a "Zombie" party, and it turns into a bloodbath. There is a certain poetic justice in that, dontcha think? Of course, I'm not one to talk, I joke about that kind of thing all the time. When it comes do dyin', the justice is always poetic. I cast my vote for Chucky Cheese.

Look Ma, No Hands

Police in New Zealand stopped a motorist who was driving 121 kmh (72 mph) only to discover that the driver had no arms. The man drove using one foot to steer and one to push on the gas. He was born without arms, and never had gotten a driver's license.

Now, here in Texas, he would have gotten away with it, because the police would never stop someone driving just 2 mph over the speed limit. Now, if it was in the city, well, that's another matter.

You Can Bet It Wasn't a Party at Chucky Cheese


A man woke to the sound of six gunshots just after his alarm clock went off at 7:00 am in Seattle. When he looked out of his peep hole, he saw people stagger out of the rent house across the street. Then, out comes a man with a shotgun. A police officer in the neighborhood also heard the shots, and confronted the man holding the shotgun. The man then turned it on himself and fired.

Okay, now tell me, just what kind of a party is going on at 7:00 am? Uh, not one that started at 6:00 am. Must have been one going on all night. There's a reason Chucky Cheese isn't open 24 hours.

After All He's the President's Son

Charlie Sheen has declared that he doesn't believe the government's version of events on 9/11. Charlie was appearing on Alex Jones' radio show (that should tell you something), when he said that the government's story sounds more like a conspiracy theory than the conspiracy theories. If Charlie says so, then it must be true, because he's the President's son, right?

Whew! At Least It Wasn't in Texas

Once again a headline grabbing murder in an otherwise "Christian" home has taken place. Only for once, it didn't happen in Texas. Man, we needed a break. We've certainly had our share of women that kill all their kids. At least, Mrs. Winkler wasn't confused about God telling her to kill her kids. God was just telling her to kill her hubby. My own theory is that the Reverend Winkler was molesting one (or more) of the daughters.

Isn't it a little odd though that when men do this kind of thing, they usually turn the gun on themselves? What is it about the women that won't let them do that?

Severe Sinus Infection


I finally heard the results from my CAT scan. They say I have a severe sinus infection. I'm to take antibiotics for 3 weeks, and if it's not better, they'll refer me to an ENT specialist. ENT doesn't really mean extra nasal torture, but it might as well from what I hear.

But What Are They Going to Do with Them?

The state of Karnataka in India will pay almost €200 for each baby girl born to families below the poverty line. The idea is to cut down on abortions of female fetuses that is so prevalent there. But, my question is, okay, after they´ve paid that much for them, what are they going to do with them?

La Mujer Que No Puede Olvidar

Scientists at the University of California have found a woman with perfect memory. Not only does she never forget, she can't forget a-ny-thing. How about that? Never forget anything. No, don't think I want that uh..."skill." Thank you very much. Sometimes forgetting is good - very, very good.

Just Because I Can

Symbolic Divorce

That's one way to phrase it. A 40 year old man in Hamburg appeared at a local gas station with his wife's head in his hands. He put the head on the ground and asked the attendent to call the police. He was under the influence of alcohol and drugs at the time of his arrest. He willingly surrendered to police, but later tried to break away and injured two officers in the process. He said that TV and radio had ordered him to kill his wife.

The last sentence of the article says, "Halshugningen skulle være et udtryk for en symbolsk skilsmisse." That means something like "beheading could be an expression of a symbolic divorce." Not in quotes, no attribution, just the journalist's opinion, I guess.

Don't Fuck with Me or I'll Bite Your Tongue Off

Or rather, fuck me and I'll bite your tongue off. Emily Mescher of Celina, Ohio is free on $10,000 bond after being charged with assault for biting her lover's tongue off during a particularly hot sex act. Her uh...boyfriend...Chad Ringo (what a good name) was taken to the hospital in nearby Lima. Doctors there tried to reconstruct 30% of his tongue. The bit off part was never found...yes, they think Emily swallowed it. Chad wants the uh...missing part sewed back on even if it could be retrieved by...um "natural channels."

Muslim Jeans Are Here!


You can now buy gin-u-wine Muslim jeans called Al Quds. They even have a distinct brand marker on the watch pocket in Arabic script no less. They're produced by the Italian firm Udine. Wait! Italian? Uh...I thought that's where the heart of Christendom was. They're buying infidel jeans just because there's some Arabic script on them? By the way, Al Quds means Jerusalem. I smell a conspiracy here.

Augustine About to Blow His Top


Not St. Augustine, but the Alaskan island named Augustine. See, it's a volcano. Just click on the link and be transported to Alaska to watch in real time. By the way, Alaska is -10 hours GMT.

Early Early Retirement?

I have become so frustrated and disgusted at my job that I'm seriously investigating what it would take for me to retire. Yes, retire. I'm just fed up! Now, I may have to be fed up for a while longer, but I won't work one day longer than I have to. God help us all in the meantime.

Duh!



The United Nations ranks Mexico as number 106 out of 120 countries with the worst water quality. Duh!

How About Some Toilet Water Instead?

And I don't mean cologne. Ekstra Bladet, a Danish tabloid, commissioned a test on ice served in restaurants. It turns out that ice served in soft drinks from the restaurants checked had more bacteria that water from their toilets.

Civil War

Former Iraqi premier, Ayad Allawi, said on BBC television today that civil war in Iraq is a fact. Why is that news? Well, because both the British and American defense ministers say that there is no civil war in Iraq. Could this be like that "there is no insurgency" when there really was one about 3 years ago? I'm just sayin'.

Protest and Funeral Marches

Around the world there were protests today against the War in Iraq on the third anniversary of its beginning. French students and labor unions protested a newly enacted government policy, and huge numbers of Serbian nationalists marched to commemorate the burial of Slobo Milo. Which ones were the biggest? Paris was in 1st place. Slobo's funeral takes 2nd, and the War in Iraq comes in last. Hmm...

Turkmenistan Will Save Us All

The "President for Life" and "Father of All Turkmen", Saparmoerat Nijazov, has ordered that a forest be planted in the Turkmenistan desert. Yes, we all owe him and them a debt of gratitude, because the trees will help combat global warming. Turkmenistan is a dry and hot desert country where the temperatures in summer can get up to 50C. But, all wise Nijazov has concluded that he can turn Turkmenistan into a garden spot by planting cedar trees there. He chose cedars because they "can live to be 1000 years old."

Wie vindt het eerste kievitsei?

Well, this year it was Jaap Wijdenes in Beek en Donk. So what, you say? Yeah, so what? I don't really know, but evidently there is some honor is finding the first egg of the European Plover lapwing each spring. The kievit is some kind of bird in the Netherlands. Must have something to do with proof that Spring has sprung. In this case though, if you find the first one, you call in to a special phone number and get your picture in the paper.

Septuagenarians?

Another 70 plusser in the sex news. This time it's a man who has become an "overnight star" of porn movies. He's David Bozdoganov a 75 year old Russian with a strange love of garlic. He swears by garlic's strengthening properties, and demands that it be rubbed on his penis before shooting (pun intended) a scene. The actresses he works with complain the entire time about the smell. Well, I like garlic too, but rub it on my dick?

I Knew It! I Knew It!

Smiling makes you sick. According to German researchers, persons who work in customer service type jobs that require them to look and act friendly have more stress and therefore, get sick more often than those who can be rude. The problem is that if you act happy when you're really not, you can become depressed. They studied a call center in which half of the participants responded to rude and angry callers in like fashion, and the other half responded in a friendly and good humored manner. The results showed that replying in a friendly way when you'd rather be rude, does nothing more than add to your stress. Dieter Zapf and collegues say the notion that "the customer is always right" should be abandoned.

DWI or DWS?

Italian police stopped a weaving automobile only to discover a half-naked man and a fully naked woman who was trying to have sex while the man was driving. The man had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood. But, here's the good part. The man was 59 years old and the woman was 70 years old. I've heard Italian women were sexy, but I didn't expect this! I'll spare you from the picture.

Sinus Infection & CAT Scan

I've been having this nose problem for quite some that now that I thought was due to allergies. Austin is the 2nd worst place in the US for pollen. First worst is Chapel Hill, NC. After my doctor diagnosed me with sinusitis (sinus infection), he sent me to an allergist to get tested for all my allergies. Okay, so far so good.

The test results show that I'm not allergic to very much. Maybe three tree pollens and that's all. So, all this time that I thought it was allergies, it was actually sinusitis. Years ago I read an article about how people say they have sinus infections when they really don't. It said that sinus infections are actually pretty rare. Well, I reckoned that I didn't have that problem. That's what I get for reckoning.

After the allergist determined that I'm not very allergic, he referred me for a CAT scan. Yeah, a CAT scan, not a feline scan. I go tomorrow to have it done. You can't take antibiotics before the CAT scan, because it won't show the full extent of the problem. I haven't had any now for two weeks, and I'm feelin' it!

She Said What?

Wafa Sultan, a Syrian-American psychiatrist, went on an Al-Jazeera talk show and declared that the struggle between the West and Islam is not a war of religions or civilizations, but rather a war of eras. Yeah, she says that Islam is at home in the Middle Ages, and the West is at home in the 21st century. So, what did she get for saying that? You're right, death threats.

Fatwa, fatwa, have you any reason?
Yes sir, yes sir, kafir hunting season
Hunt for apostates
And do them some harm
Let's put the sword to Dar-el-Harb

The Virgin Mary Protests

Perhaps deadly protests will break out all over Christendom, but I doubt it. Because, hey, even Joseph liked to roll her over once in a while. I can just hear him saying to the priests and scribes, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, the Virgin Mary."

Actually, a Danish priest thought the T-shirt went too far, and convinced the store owner in Esjberg, Denmark to remove it from display. Is it just me, or did I hear it thunder?

Dubai Port Operations?

Airport police in Cairo uncovered an illegal shipment of Viagra hidden in 17 different shipping containers from Dubai. Yes, that country the Bush administration wanted to run our ports. However, it's the quantity that's impressive! One thousand three hundred kilos of Viagra! They didn't say how much of it was intended for Hosni Mubarak.

Ex-President of Mexico Warns of Caudillismo

Carlos Salinas de Gortari, whose brother Raul stole Mexico blind and had the leader of the ruling party assassinated, said recently that there is a risk of Latin America returning to "Caudillismo" which is a kind of authoritarianism combined with cronyism. This coming from a corrupt and lying former President who chose to go into exile after his term ended. What the hell is he talking about? I think the pot is calling the kettle black.

Jack Russel Terrier Comes Close to Biting Man's Penis Off

A German man was playing with his brother's girlfriend's dog when the girlfriend playfully told the dog to get him. The dog did alright. Damn near bit the man's penis off! The girlfriend failed to help him, because she lay on the floor laughing.

Okay, they didn't explain if the guy was nude while playing with the dog or not. But, really, how would a Jack Russel be able to get hold of a man's penis unless he were nude and squatting? Was the girlfriend nude too? I'm just sayin'.

Richard Holbrooke Won't Shed Any Tears

Richard Holbrooke, the main US negotiator during the Clinton administration who took part in negotiating the end of the Balkan war, said that he "will not shed any tears about the death of Slobodan Milosevic." Holbrooke called the ex-dictator of Serbia a sociopath and a war criminal. Hmm...what are they going to say when Cheney dies in a jail cell in the Hague?

It Couldn't Have Happened to a Better Guy

Slobo Milo is dead. Slobodan Milosevic that is. They called him the "Butcher of the Balkans" with good reason. He was a corrupt thief and killer. We're better off without him. He died in his prison cell in the Netherlands where he was on trial for crimes against humanity. If I hadn't quit drinkin' I'd break open a bottle of champagne.

Train the Trainer

From Monday afternoon thru Wednesday morning we were at the Austin Tele-Center conducting a train the trainer sessions. We've developed some new Customer Service training that will be delivered in all six Tele-Centers across Texas. Each Tele-Center has two trainers except the one in Austin. So, that was eleven people not counting the two of us. It went pretty well all in all, but the last day was like when you visit your relatives. By the third day, it's time to go! I have two words to describe the last morning: Intentionally Obtuse. Just google that, if you're not sure what I mean.

All 14 of Them

A group affiliated with the new Communist Party in Russia met in Red Square to commemorate the 53rd anniversary of the death of Stalin. Now, were they celebrating that he has been dead that long, or are they remembering it sadly? Either way there's sure not many of them!

Spies Like Sharks



US researchers are experimenting with the possibility of using sharks as spies. Since they move through the water noislessly they are perfect for getting in close to things, but how are they going to know where to go? Well, by remote control, of course. They will implant chips in the shark's brain, and tell it where to swim that way. Wow, could they implant a chip in Tom Cruise's brain and tell him where to go?

That's What They're Talking About?

The new is that Lindsay Lohan exposed one of her breasts unintentionally (?) at some fashion show in Los Angeles. You'd have to blow the foto up to like 800% to really see anything. To quote Jackson Browne, "Doctor, my eyes!"

Personality DNA

Another personality test. Kinda like the Meyers-Briggs. I'm a
Reserved Inventor. Whether I like it or not.

Bush: "We'll Get Bin Laden Sooner or Later"

During a blitzvisit to Afghanistan on his way to India, George W said that it's not a matter of if we catch Bin Laden, but when. Yeah, with George W leading the hunt, we'll catch Osama when he's in a fucking nursing home for retired Islamists! Does this guy look like he's ready to retire?

Sudanese Man Marries Goat

Well, not really by choice. The elders in his village punished him for fucking a neighbor's goat (the late Theo Van Gogh called Moroccans geitneukers, but what about Sudanese?) by forcing him to marry the goat in question. They also made him pay the owner 15,000 Sudanese dinar. I knew they probably had "arranged marriages" there, but not like this. How much is 15,000 dinar? It's $58.

Oh Surprise, Saddam Has Abandoned His Hunger-Strike

When I heard that Saddam had gone on a hunger-strike, I thought he wouldn't last long. I mean, here's a guy that's had all the luxuries in the world, and he's going on a hunger-strike? No, I didn't think he was serious enough to starve himself to death. Saddam, starve himself to death? Maybe, starve you to death, but not himself. In fact, I had forgotten about it until today when I saw he had given it up.

If I'd Had One of These...

Back some almost 35 years ago, I tried to ride from Amsterdam to Copenhagen on a moped or bromfiets as they're call in the Netherlands. I barely got started before I had to give up. But, if I'd had one of these brommobiels , there'da been no stoppin' me!

Did They Test It for Cocaine?

The FBI says that a white powder thought to be the bioweapon ricin found at the University of Texas is not ricin. They didn't say what it was though.

From Screenplay of Syriana

Bryan Woodard, an oil analyst, says to Prince Nasir, next in line to the throne of Syriana:

You want to know what the business world thinks of you. They think a hundred years ago you were chopping each other's heads off in the desert and that's exactly where you'll be in another hundred.

Hmm...

It's Just Because They're So Damn Grateful

A Norwegian-US study of men between the ages of 20-70 found that men over 50 are more satisfied with their sex lives than younger men. Only men in their 20s reported that they were more satisfied than men in their 50s. Twenty-somethings can't get enought, and fifty-somethings are just thrilled when they can get any

She's Not Heavy, She's My Step-Mother


Liza Minnelli sold a house, for $35 million, with her step-mother inside. Liza's father stipulated when he died that his wife could live in the house as long as she wanted. Well, she's 98 years old and still living there. The only problem is that ownership went to Liza, and, well, sometimes step-mothers and step-daughters don't get along well together. Liza had wanted to sell the house earlier, but that caused a battle between her and her step-mom. Ninety-eight years old...and Liza couldn't wait just a little while longer? Isn't she the one that beat up her latest husband too?

Toiletpaper Cause of Death


Franklin Paul Crow of Florida beat his roommate, Kenneth Matthews, to death with a claw hammer and a sledge hammer. Why? Well, they got into a dispute about the toiletpaper. He must not have put a new roll on the holder when he used the last of the old roll.

Ratko: Perfect Name for a War Criminal

Looks like the Serbian authorities have Ratko Mladic surrounded and (I can't help it) cornered like a rat. One of the most sought-after accused war criminals in the world is living in Serbia. Of course, he was receiving his pension, but the government claimed they didn't know where he was. It wasn't until the European Union told Serbia that their entry into the EU was in danger that they located him.

Syriana

We went to see Syriana today since I had the day off. Wow, it's a good movie! I recommend it. If you know some of the current events from over in the Middle East and Central Asia, it makes the story that much better.

Geneva Convention Contravention

Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld must think the Geneva Convention was a bunch of drunken salesmen meeting for a business convention. They must think that, because they say we are in full compliance with the Geneva Convention. If we're in compliance with it, it had to be bunch of drunks.

Take That You Unbelievers!

A calf was born in southern Egypt within the past week that allegedly has the words "There is no God but God" spelled out on its hide. The calf is black with white markings. I can't read Arabic so I can neither confirm nor deny the Truth of the story. But, Egyptians say it's God's answer to the Muhammad cartoons. Well, just wait til we have a calf born in the West with "Muhammad Who?" on its hide.

I Have It on Good Authority

Tom and Katie are finished. Just watch the MSM for coming reports. My crocodile tears are flowing!

George W Got Left Out

Presidents and Prime Ministers of quite a few Western countries had a group photo taken yesterday in Pakistan. But, they left George W out! Now, don't tell me he doesn't belong. If he doesn't fit in with these guys, he doesn't fit in anywhere.

Paris Hilton As Mother Theresa

No, it's not my cold medication making me think that. It's true! Bollywood director T Rajeevnath is serious about it. He says he has contacted her about the project.

Will He Have a Heart Attack Soon?

Things aren't looking so good for the VP just now. Some court documents made public last week say that Scooter Libby received authorization from "his superiors" to divulge the name of covert agent Valerie Plame to get back at her hubby who had refuted administration claims about uranium purchases by Iraq. From Le Monde:

Des documents judiciaires rendus publics la semaine dernière montrent que Lewis Libby a été autorisé par "ses supérieurs" à divulguer des informations confidentielles à des journalistes.

It may give him chest pains, but it is doing my heart good!

Be Seeing You

Abu Hamza Way, way back some 30 or so years ago there was a TV program called The Prisoner starring Patrick McGoohan. When people in The Village would bid someone else farewell, they would say, "Be Seeing You," while making one of those thumb and forefinger circles and holding it up to their eye. Some oblique reference to being constantly watched. I saw a photo of Abu Hamza today that reminded me of it. Ironically, he was just sentenced to 7 years in prison yesterday.

Nirvana Day

Today is Nirvana Day. No, it's not the day that Kurt Cobain died. At least, I don't think it is. Today is the day some 2489 years ago that the Buddha passed into parinirvana. That's like another word for died. Allegedly his last words were:

Now, monks, I exhort you: the components of the personality are subject to decay; exert yourselves with diligence!

I hope he's right, because there's a few personalities I'd like to see decay.

Namo Amitabha

Islam Is Peace

Beirut

Damascus

Lahore

Palestine

Istanbul

I Think They're Only Proving the Point

Some Danish cartoonist probably had no idea that such a storm would result from cartoons about Muhammed. But, oh, they have! In fact, some Muslims have become so angry about the cartoon depicting Muhammed as a terrorist that they have threatened to kidnap Europeans in Gaza City. Bomb threats have arrived at newspapers that re-printed the cartoons in Denmark, the Netherlands, Spain, Italy, and so on. Protesters in London are calling for the heads of the slanderers. Unfortunately, they are just proving the Danish guy right. What irony.

Don't Forget about Greenland


Sermitsaq, a newspaper in Greenland, has joined the fray in the Mohammed cartoons. Yes, Greenland. The paper's chief editor says that he doesn't expect a big outcry in Greenland, because there's only one (1) Muslim in the entire country. Wow, what a risk taker!

Denmark to Muslims, Make Your Own Porn!

"You boycott our cheese, and we'll cut off your Internet access to our 40 years of experience leading the world in hard core porn. Where are you gonna get your fake pussies now?" Whoa, this is getting down right mean! Doggy style, indeed.

Going Once, Going Twice

Glamour model Jordan is auctioning off her used silicon breast implants on ebay. She said, "Jag har haft dem i åtta år så det är dags för ett nytt par" (I've had them eight years so it is time for a new pair.) She says she wants the new ones to be a little smaller and firmer. Hmmm...I wonder what the starting price is. Whatever it is, it's too much.

What a Herculean Effort It Must Be...

To do anything worthwhile in an environment like this! Yes, it's true, this is my cube. I make great sacrifices all day, all the time. Don't I?

Bubba Likes It
Christine and Her Dogs

Bubba the dog that is. A dog food company in New Zealand, maker of Mighty Mix, has offered to contribute a specially developed food donation to the hungry in Kenya. They say that it's not dog food, but just what would it be? The Kenyan government says that it's hungry children are not so hungry that they would eat dog food. Easy for him to say, huh? Bureaucrat in Nairobi living in luxury. How would he know, anyway? The newspaper that reported the "offer" also reported that Christine Drummond, the company owner, at first offered to send dog biscuits. Then, she changed her offer and wanted to send a special freeze-dried product that you just mix with water. Would it be better than eating the flies off of your face?

Raise Your Hand If You're Sure

That you'd rather die than eat pork.

Uh, Oh, Busted!

The folks at dot.tk have decided that my blog falls outside the realms of decency, and they can no longer handle my Internet traffic. Get a load of this:

According to article 14.1 of the terms and conditions of FREEDOMAIN.TK domain names we are unable to accept this URL, because the contents might contain sexually explicit products or services, or promotion for racial, ethnic or social hatred. Please change the URL and try again.

Gimme a break! Now, if I wanted to switch to a PAIDDOMAIN.TK it would all be okay. Yes, they'll still handle my traffic, if I'll just pay them to. No thanks.

A Portent of Things to Come?

Activists and lawyers against the War in Iraq will hold a mock trial in Cairo Saturday and Sunday (Super Sunday?) against George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Ariel Sharon for war crimes. Ex-presidents from Algeria and Malaysia will attend, and former President Nelson Mandela of South Africa will preside over the trial.

This is troubling because we don't want George W to be upset while he's watching the Super Bowl and choke to death on a pretzel. Why not? Well, that would make The King of Darkness the President.

No, we don't want that.

Well, At Least It Makes Him Look Better



Michael Jackson has been spotted in Bahrain wearing an abaya. An abaya is an all-covering garment worn by women in some Muslim countries. Not a bad idea actually. He's been looking like an old white woman for a long time, so he might as well dress like a woman. Besides, it improves his appearance.

Our Governor-in-Waiting

Why the Hell Not?

He's got my vote! Havin' a Governor named Kinky is better'n havin' one named Dubya.

You Have the Right to a Prostitute - Part 2

Poor Mr. Vegener Hansen of Denmark lost his lawsuit against the Danish government for refusing to pay for his visits to a prostitute. Back on January 7 I noted that he had sued to get his visits paid for, but the decision has come down in the government's favor. "Society should not have to pay for a handicapped person's purchase of sex," was the ruling of the court. The government will pay for a government care giver to arrange for visits with a prostitute, and to drive the handicapped person to the hooker's "place of business."