He Ain't No Golddigger

New from K-Otix in Houston. Click the link and play the song, you be bobbin' yo head fo' long.

That's an Interesting Pick Up Line

How do you spell back pain relief? S-E-X with your doctor. Oh, c'mon lady! Wasn't he good enough?

Paris Has a Tough Week

Poor Paris Hilton, she breaks off her engagement (or someone broke it off for her) and then this! Paris was in line for the bathroom at Tao, a fashionable New York restaurant, and had to wait so long that she pissed in her pants. She must have been embarrassed, because she got out of line and went out the back door of the restaurant to go back to her hotel.

No Money-Back Guarantee

The poor guy that lost a judgment to his new bride (see below) about his impotence doesn't stand a chance. The company that manufactures Levitra used to have a money-back guarantee if it didn't...uh...perform correctly. Now, they can't even do that, it's against the law...at least in Norway.

That's Gonna Cost Ya!

A bride discovered on her wedding night that her new husband suffered from impotence. She went to court over it...and won! The Court agreed with her that her fiancé should not have kept his affliction a secret. Better get it up, guys! If not, you'll see her in court.

Rita Watch: Advisory 20

What's left of Hurricane Rita (yes, a full week later) traveled all the way to Norway over 8000 km. The Bergen Tidende reports that Rita was to arrive there Friday. She did, but not with as much rain as expected. So, while Rita is in the far North Atlantic, some TWC employees are working seven days a week to try to help with the mess she left.

Imagine by George W. Bush

Imagine, it's easy if you try, imagine George W. Bush below us, above us only sky.

Objetos Voladores No Identificados

El pueblito de Lajas en Puerto Rico ha decidido construir un aeropuerto para los OVNIS. Sí, ¡es la verdad! Un ganadero local ha puesto un rótulo con las palabras "Ruta Extraterrestre". El pequeño pueblo ha tenido una historia de contactos frecuentes con los del espacio. El alcalde del pueblo apoya el proyecto porque se cree que va a atraer los turistas. La pista del ovnipuerto va a ser 25 metros de largo con pirámides para torres de control. Se dice que a los extraterrestes les gustan las pirámides. ¿Qué le parece?

Rita Watch: Advisory 19

I learned this afternoon that my agency will be open each night this week until 7:00pm. We will also be open on Saturday 8:00am to 5:00pm and Sunday 1:00pm to 5:00pm. That's a lot of overtime when we've already had lots of overtime from Katrina.

This time we'll be taking Texas claims for Hurricane Rita. Other states are still handling Katrina claims, and the Louisiana Department of Labor opened a call center today to handle claims from Rita, I believe. There's so many different phone numbers now for different callers that the fraud vulnerability is going to be tremendous.

Lots of things have gone wrong with the Rita effort, but Texas evacuated twice the number of people as Louisiana. We also evacuated our nursing homes and hospitals. Yes, we had a terrible tragedy in Wilmer when that bus exploded, but all in all I believe we did a much better job than Louisiana. Michael Brown blamed it all on Louisiana government officials, and some of what he said is no doubt true. However, FEMA made plenty of its own mistakes and failed miserably.

Louisiana has long been more like a Third World country than like the rest of the US. I have said that ever since I traveled there the first time as an adult. I've been to and through Louisiana about 10 times as an adult. So, to see something resembling Haiti is not surprising. But, that should never happen in America, period.

Rita Watch: Advisory 18

Lines formed today in Houston at the FEMA office to register for benefits. Some people began waiting as early as Tuesday night. Around noon today people in line started to pass out from the heat. FEMA closed the line because it was just too hot for people to be waiting outside. There are new complaints about FEMA and its slow response, but this time it’s about Hurricane Rita.

Persons wanting to file claims for UI or DUA are waiting today between 12 and 25 minutes for their call to be answered. Then, once the call is answered, completion of the claim takes between 10 and 20 minutes. So, in the worst case, claimants may have to wait up to 45 minutes.

Rita Watch: Advisory 17

For those returning to the Gulf Coast another problem has reared its head. The dam at Lake Livingston is under tremendous pressure necessitating release of water. One problem though. The bridge over the Trinity River near the dam has a loose barge against one of the supports. If the water release is too strong the barge could damage the bridge making it dangerous to cross, or even knocking it down. For the time being, traffic on US 59 (a major thoroughfare from East Texas to Houston) is being diverted to other highways. New long lines of traffic and gridlock are popping up.

Right now, the wait on hold to file a claim for UI or DUA is between 10 and 15 minutes. That's the wait for Texas Rita claimants. Katrina calls are going mostly to other states. We don't yet know who will handle the Louisiana Rita calls.

So far, there is no Hurricane Stan on the horizon, but it's early still.

Do You Really Want to Swim with the Dolphins?

The press is reporting that Hurricane Katrina caused the release of several military dolphins. Yes, navy dolphins. They are outfitted with a special harness that holds toxic darts. These dolphins have been trained to locate and shoot underwater terrorists. No, it's not a joke. Be careful, and watch out for that harness.

Rita Watch: Advisory 16

First, let me correct the temperature I reported yesterday. I said it was 100F. It wasn't...it was 108F (43C). That's unbelievable even for Texas! Last week of September and 108? We're dyin' here! All those clouds and water just a few miles to the east.

The in-laws and the 4 dogs left this morning for home. They planned to leave about 4:00am, and they must have done it because they were gone when we got up at 6:00.

There were quite a few cars on the road this morning from the Houston area. How can I tell? Well, they were full of people and dogs and they had the windows down. Besides, that they had the name of a car dealer in Houston or the like. One of the traffic info signs said, "Expect delays to Houston. Gas shortages." Traffic was pretty heavy.

This morning our phone lines are all busy, and we have a 15 minute wait to get your call answered. Not too bad really. But, not even all of Houston is back yet, much less Galveston, Beaumont, or Port Arthur.

I just got a call that told me the in-laws got home just fine. They bought gas on the way home. It was $3.12 a gallon. Cheap by European standards. Exorbitant by US standards.

Rita Watch: Advisory 15

The weather in Austin has been very hot. We've had temperatures of 100F (38C) for this entire time. Not one drop of rain.

It had to happen. Two of the dogs got into it last nite over the water bowl. No blood was drawn, but there was definitely a fight. Then, another dog got into it with the same one. Belle took on Dutchess and had her pinned. They were broken up by the 86 year old man. Imagine that! Then Sandy jumped on Dutchess, too. The home team ganged up on the oldest dog of the visiting team. Pretty pitiful if you ask me. Taking on a deaf and blind opponent is not anything to brag about. But, the match between Sandy and Dutchess was more even. Sandy is 15 years old, and Dutchess is 16 or 17. They're both pretty much deaf and blind. No damage was done except to some dog egos.

With all this going on, Jennifer our daughter celebrated her 33rd birthday today. So, she got a bonus of an aunt and uncle at the party. We all went to Chuy's (the restaurant made famous by Jenna Bush when she was drinking under-age).

Martha and Al are returning to Houston tomorrow according to the plan that the Houston mayor laid out. For residents whose homes are south of I-10 and west of I-45 Monday is the day to return.

Tomorrow is the first day of filing DUA claims. It promises to be busy. I heard earlier today that 9 counties in Texas have been declared a disaster area. I don't know how many parishes in Louisiana have been added, but I'm pretty sure there are several that weren't part of the Katrina declaration.

Rita Watch: Advisory 14

From the looks of it at 2:25 pm the storm didn't wreak the devastation that Katrina did in Mississippi. I have just watched a video taken in Beaumont this morning, and I'm glad I'm not there, but it looks much more manageable that what Katrina left behind. However, reports from Sabine Pass and southwestern Louisiana haven't really come in yet. There are reports that people in Louisiana had called for rescue, but couldn't be helped because of the severity of the conditions.

The Governor is asking everyone to stay where they are, and not try to come back yet. The in-laws went to Target to get some dressier clothes so they can go to church tomorrow.

The dogs are quite content now, and aren't pacing all over. They're doing what dogs do best, that is they're laying around napping.

Rita Watch: Advisory 13

A reporter for KHOU-TV, who is in Beaumont, spoke with a police officer there in one of the neighborhoods who said, "There's looting all over the place." The officer also said that they've arrested a few people, but there's no appropriate place to keep them. Maybe the jail is no longer operational.

Large areas around Houston are without electricity. Kingwood is without power, and has many downed trees.

The eye of the storm (or what's left of it) is near Lufkin in East Texas with 100 mph winds. Lufkin is in a part of East Texas that is almost all pine trees. When I was about 8 or 9 years old we used to visit some friends, the Boyds, in Lufkin. What I most remember is that I would sneeze the entire time. I'm allergic to Lufkin. In spite of that, it's beautiful over there.

The mayor of Houston says that it's not a good time to come back. Reports are that there's no gasoline available. They're afraid people will have the same problems they did on Thursday and Friday.

The six dogs and six people made it thru the night without serious incident. Mo the sheltie continues to pester Sandy the 15 year old cocker. He must have a learning disability, because he always gets in trouble but he won't stop.

Rita Watch: Advisory 12

Reports are that a fire has broken out on the Strand in Galveston. Three building are reportedly engulfed in flames. The Strand is a historic area in downtown Galveston with lots of shops and restaurants. So far, the cause is unknown. Firefighters are having to deal with high winds which are fanning the flames.

Rita Watch: Advisory 11

Unless Rita makes a sudden lurch to the west, Austin won't even get any rain. The forecast for tomorrow is a 20% chance. Houston could see some flooding from heavy rains, but it looks like Houston will be on the safe side of the storm. Right now Rita looks like she's going to come inland almost right at the mouth of the Sabine River which is the state line between Texas and Louisiana.

For cities that are inland from the beach, the real problem will be tornados. Hurricanes set off lots of tornados as they start to pass over land. According to an AP story, a meteorologist in Lake Charles, La. said he could not keep count of the tornado warnings across southern Louisiana, "They were just popping up like firecrackers." This hurricane will probably also cause a lot of flooding, and East Texas (no that's not eastern Texas. Only furriners would say that.) is a place that already has all the rainfall it needs. Lots of pine trees in East Texas. In fact, Texas has a pretty large lumber industry, and it's located right where Rita is headed.

Well, in about 8 hours Rita will be on Texas soil. We sure are a hospitable folk aren't we? We can put up with some really rude visitors.

Rita Watch: Advisory 10

Get out your Sharpies, folks! The Governor of Louisiana, Kathleen Blanco, has told those who have chosen to ride out Rita to "write their Social Security numbers on their arms with indelible ink." Notice she said arms. I guess that means to write your number on both arms, so that if you should become dismembered they'll know which arm goes with which body ;-)

Get on your knees, folks! The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said "Be calm, be strong, say a prayer for Texas."

Based on our leaders' remarks, it ain't lookin' good.

Last night I read in a Swedish tabloid called Aftonbladet that another tabloid The National Enquirer has reported that Hurricane Katrina has made our President take to the bottle again. Now, with Rita coming he may go back to using cocaine.

Like I said, it ain't lookin' good.

Rita Watch: Advisory 9

The in-laws are at my house napping along with their four dogs. They left Houston at about 3:30 am and had no trouble getting to Austin. They went on "back roads" until they got to Hwy 71, then they came on in to Austin.

The four visiting dogs have met the two resident dogs, and it is reported that they got along just fine.

I heard reports that some levees in New Orleans have given way, and the Ninth Ward is flooding again.

We have finished (I think) getting the training and support material ready for use next week. It's going thru some final reviews right now.

I was reading some comments on the evacuation in which one person said, "Rick Perry makes George Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar." Now, that's tough talk! Funny...really funny...but tough.

Don't Mess with Texas

Rita Watch: Advisory 8

It's a sunny day here in Austin, and traffic was sort of light. That's a little mysterious, because with all the horror stories about traffic around the state I expected more than what I found.

Hotels and motels line I-35 for most of my drive in to work. Just from looking at the parking lots, they're all full. However, only one had a sign saying "no vacancy."

I read this morning that about 20 elderly people were killed in a bus fire near Wilmer, Texas. They were part of the exodus from the coast. Officials suspect that oxygen in use on the bus played a roll. That's one of those terribly sad unintended consequences. Rita has already claimed some lives in Texas, and she's not on land yet.

The wind is out of the north north-east. Very unusual for this part of the state. We're on the back side of the storm and this is some of its leading edge.

My sister-in-law and her husband called saying they were near Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. She said they had driven 60 mph all the way, and had no trouble. From the sound of it they probably went west on I-10 to Columbus, then north on Hwy 71. Strange that there was no traffic. That contradicts the stories I've heard on the radio and read on the web.

Rita Watch: Advisory 7



The Texas Department of Transportation has opened up both sides of almost all highways out of Houston and Beaumont to outbound traffic. Even with that it's still taking people 10 to 12 hours to travel what would normally be a 2-3 hour trip. Tanker trucks are delivering gasoline to people who've run out of gas on the highway. I've heard stories that people are turning off their engines and pushing their cars to save gas. The traffic is so slow that they only have to push the car 2 or 3 feet (about 0.5 to 0.75 meters) at a time. Hell of a way to get outta Dodge!


Traffic in the Capital City is heavier than normal, but I got home after work at about the regular time. I spent almost all day writing up and/or editing training for Hurricane Rita disaster claims. Our Tele-Centers are giving the training in sort of small groups. So, we're busy trying to come up with the next needed thing before they get through delivering the most recent needed thing. I think the new word for that is just-in-time delivery.

My boss's boss, let's call him Bob, was on a conference in his office with our Network Coordinator, let's call him Ernie, when he had to take another call at his secretary's cubicle. That call turned into a conference call too! So, he's standing in the cube with another person, let's call her Pat, talking on the speakerphone, while the other conference call with Ernie continues in his office. Things have gotten a little out of hand.

I learned on the way home that Rita has taken a turn toward the east, and is probably going to have landfall closer to Beaumont/Port Arthur than Galveston. The Goddess figured that her sister, the husband and the four dogs wouldn't come. They called about 6:45 tonight to say that they're leaving Houston at 2:00 am tomorrow morning and will be here when they can get here. We don't know when to expect them with all the reports of heavy, heavy traffic.

Rita Watch: Advisory 6

It's true that you can't believe everything you read. Take this for example: Texas evakueras - nu tar man inga risker. That was a headline on Expressen.se which is a Swedish newspaper website. It says something like: Texas is being evacuated - no one taking any risks now. Well, uh, no...not quite the whole state is being evacuated. Texas is a little bigger in territory than France, and has a population of about 20,000,000. That would be impossible to evacuate!

Although there are reports that it's taking 6 hours or more to go 10 miles. I read from one source that Texas has requested help from the Pentagon to get gasoline to people on the highway who've run out of gas and are stranded. Whew, I filled up yesterday!

Rita Watch: Advisory 5

All the experts are saying that Hurricane Rita is a catastrophic hurricane. I began to wonder just what that means. I know it means bad, but compared to what? I checked with the Atlantic Oceanographic and Meteorological Laboratory for definitions. Here's the description for a catastrophic hurricane:

Shrubs and trees blown down; considerable damage to roofs of buildings; all signs down. Very severe and extensive damage to windows and doors. Complete failure of roofs on many residences and industrial buildings. Extensive shattering of glass in windows and doors. Some complete building failures. Small buildings overturned or blown away. Complete destruction of mobile homes. Major damage to lower floors of all structures less than 15 feet above sea level within 500 yards of shore. Low-lying escape routes inland cut by rising water 3 to 5 hours before hurricane center arrives. Massive evacuation of residential areas on low ground within 5 to 10 miles of shore possibly required.

The different terms are: Minimal, Moderate, Extensive, Extreme, and Catastrophic. Wouldn't you know it's just like Texas to go for the biggest one?

Rita Watch: Advisory 4

The traffic this morning was especially heavy. I don't know if it has to do with the evacuees from Houston, but it sure was bad. I think the Houstonians that have come to Austin are so used to sitting in traffic for 2 hours each morning that they got up and just drove around.

Right now our Tele-Centers are training all of our temps on how to take a DUA claim. I went thru our materials this morning and decided which parts we should emphasize, and which parts we could skip.

Network operations shut down the Houston switch completely this morning as a precaution. The building it's located in is in a flood prone part of town.

The Goddess went to the grocery store last nite. The tuna and water were completely sold out. She bought a bunch of stuff that doesn't require cooking, because we were told to prepare for no electricity. The funny thing is that our stove is a gas stove! We don't need electricity to cook! She forgot that while she was at the store. She was thinking we would have to cook outside on our grill. Duh!

Fill up the water jugs!

Rita Watch: Advisory 3

The place I work had hired about 100 temporary employees to handle telephone disaster unemployment claims from Louisiana for Hurricane Katrina. We have just this week seen the call volume drop a little. Management was going to lay off all the temps today. Rita changed their mind. They've decided to keep the temps on and train them on taking Texas unemployment claims. That's where I come in.

Our regular training for CSRs is 8.5 days long. That's work days, mind you. So, if we trained them in our normal way, they wouldn't be ready to take calls until about the end of September. I got the assignment today to whittle our regular training down to just the basics for taking a claim. We need to have them taking calls on Monday. See, it's like this. If you want to file for Disaster Unemployment Assistance (DUA) you have to apply for regular Unemployment Insurance (UI) first. DUA will pay only when you're not eligible for regular UI. That's why we're having to train these temps in how to take a Texas claim. Three days training to send out millions of dollars. I'm not kidding - we paid out 1.9 billion dollars in 2004.

I heard on the news tonight that Hurricane Rita will still be a hurricane when it reaches Austin. That means that winds will be 75 mph at a minimum. We heard to store up water, and be prepared to go without electricity for 48 hours. What?! The Goddess without air conditioning? 48 hours?! Six people and six dogs and no air conditioning? Somebody send me some Rohypnol! I don't want to use it to rape anyone, I want to check out until it's all over.

Rita Watch: Advisory 2

One of my co-workers was on a conference call with 300+ agencies here in Texas. The director of the Governor's Emergency Management Office said that Texas shelters have never discriminated against pets and their owners, and will not do so now. Yay, Texas.

Rita has upgraded from version 4.0 to version 5.0 this afternoon. Do you think Bill Gates could get something out of that?

Found out this afternoon that the Houston metro area has a population of about 5 million people. Half of them are coming our way! Look out!

Rita Watch: Advisory 1

Hurricane Rita is in the Gulf of Mexico taking aim on Texas. Even though we’re basking under sunny skies today, the future portends to be cloudy. I’ll be making notes in the next few days on what happens regarding Rita here in the Austin area. Austin lies about 200 miles inland from the Gulf Coast. Rita’s forecasted track will pass directly between Houston and Austin. If that forecast holds Austin will be on the western side of the storm which is the safest side. If she veers a little to the south before making landfall, we'll be in deep shit.

Activity here at TWC has been steady but purposeful. We have been in emergency mode since Katrina, because we are coordinating the telephone calls for Louisiana’s unemployment claims and disaster unemployment claims. Some meetings about our emergency response to Rita have taken place, and some measures to secure the telephone switch in Houston have been implemented. We have heard that officials in Galveston and Houston have strongly urged everyone to evacuate.

If Rita does not change course by Friday, my sister-in-law, her husband, and four dogs will be coming to our house. That will make an equal number of dogs and people at home: six of each. Oh my!

Even More Traffic to Report


≈

Now things start to make sense. I had forgotten that the Dalai Lama was going to speak in Austin today. That's the reason for Homeland Security being in town. After work today as I was leaving the parking garage, I noticed motorcycle cops at every intersection and even driveway entrances. Austin often has dignitaries, so I started trying to remember who might be here. I went another block only to see more of the same. I then remembered that HH the Dalai Lama was here. I was on 15th street facing east, and waiting for the light. There was a loud siren, and the cops rode into the middle of the intersection and stopped traffic.

A few minutes later here came the motorcade. A long line of motorcycle cops two abreast, then white police cars, then black cars with very heavily tinted windows. I did see into the back seat of one with a little less tint and saw a guy in a suit whose face looked a little familiar. I don't have a clue though who he was. Then here comes this big black SUV with some kind of stuff on top that looked like one of those aerodynamic wedges. It was probably communications equipment. As the SUV passed I saw in the window just behind the driver. There was someone sitting there with that famous maroon color over the arm. Couldn't see a face, but it may have been HH himself! Of course it could have been some minor priest in his entourage, but I'm going to believe it was HH himself. I would say I saw him for maybe 0.1 of a second. Not much to write about is it? But, I have nonetheless.

More Traffic

This morning on my daily commute I actually saw a police car from the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, a police car. It was a white sedan with the lights on top and the wording painted in blue. It said Federal Protective Service on the door with Department of Homeland Security on the front fender. Never saw one of them before. Hmmm...must be one of those secret FEMA concentration camps around these parts.

BTW, if FEMA has set up concentration camps all over the country to imprison us all in (according to conspiracy theorists), why haven't they used them for the 1.5 million evacuees? Putting them in camps would have been easier for FEMA to keep the press away. Wouldn't have had those pesky reporters showing pictures of dead bodies at the Convention Center.

Trucking on I-35

I'm going to work this morning and I come upon an 18 wheeler driving erratically. He was in the middle lane weaving over to the left until he hit the traffic buttons, then he'd go right until he hit the buttons on that side. I followed him for about 3 or 4 miles, then I called 911. I turned him in to the police. Normally, I wouldn't do that, but this guy was making the traffic worse. Everyone was slowing down when they caught up with him, then they wouldn't pass because they were afraid he was going to hit them. I pulled up even with him and he was either yelling or singing real loud. I think he may have been awake with some assistance, if you get what I mean.

Don't know what happened, because I exited to go to my office. Ahh...all in a day's work.

If I Only Had That Kind of Face!

Well, now it's gonna be possible to get a new face. What?! Yes, you too can have a face transplant just like the movie with Travolta and Cage. Maria Siemionow M.D. is going to be the first doctor to attempt a face transplant from one person to another. She says it's for people that have been burned or otherwise disfigured, but really how long will it be before Paris Hilton has it done?

Ransom Demand: 300 Kilos of Cocaine

The daughter of one of the wealthiest men in the Netherlands was kidnapped from her home in Amsterdam this week. She was freed sometime yesterday. The novel part of the case is the ransom demand: 300 kilos of cocaine. That's a new one to me! The police suspect that drug traffickers are behind the kidnapping.

That makes for an interesting image. Imagine a dark deserted public square for the ransom to be delivered. From a warehouse in the shadows comes a forklift roaring out with a pallet full of plastic bags with white powder in them. The forklift driver sets the pallet down out in the open, backs up, and disappears back into the warehouse. From shadows on the other side of the square comes a pick up truck. A man get out, and looks around to make sure no one is watching. He steps up to the pallet, breaks open one of the bags, puts a little of the white powder on his finger and tastes it. He turns back toward where he came from, and signals thumbs up. Now, a dually diesel pick up roars out of the shadows with ten men in the back. They jump out and start loading the bags into both trucks. While they do this, a woman walks hesitantly out of the shadows from where the trucks came. She seems disoriented and scared. A man steps out of the warehouse and shouts, "Claudia!" She recognizes the man as her father, shouts "Papa!", and starts running to him. He opens his arms and she collapses into his embrace. Father and daughter turn and walk into the warehouse. The men finish loading the bags, and the trucks squeal their tires when they take off.

Not likely? No, I think 300 kilos of anything would be a little too cumbersome for a ransom demand. Hmmm...what was it all about then?

Preston Michael Spears Federline är här

How come I'm hearing this so late? I've been on the Internet off and on all day, but didn't see this until now. Poor Preston. If you had his parents, I'd feel sorry for you too.

Hey, I Didn't Do It! I Was Playing Golf



Don't blame him, he was on vacation for God's sake! Would you rush back to your job, just because of a little water?

Because Animals Are Better People Than People



Donate to the ASPCA animal relief effort in the region hit by Hurricane Katrina. Click on the banner to donate. I did.

Was That Michael Brown's Head I Just Saw Rolling By?

Yeah, I think it was. The FEMA director put in his resignation today in the interests of FEMA and the President.

Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

There's a old-timey phrase that goes - Why he'd look a gift horse in the mouth. It comes from back when people used horses for pulling plows and the like. Back then the buyer would look in the horse's mouth to determine how healthy and therefore how good the horse was. Well, if someone is giving you a horse, would you look in its mouth to see if you wanted to take it? That's the point, your not supposed to be so ungrateful that you'd do such a thing.

Well, we've done it. The US turned back some food rations provided by the German military, because we are afraid that they might be infested with Mad Cow Disease.

Nothing Quite Like a Father and Son Fishing Trip

Nothing Quite Like a Father and Son Fishing Trip
Originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Who needs food when there's fish like this in the water? Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

Mexico Invades the United States

Today, for the first time ever, Mexican troops have crossed the Rio Bravo into the United States. This is the first time that a contingent of regular foreign troops have set foot on American territory in the history of the U.S. Only this invasion is to bring supplies to Kelly AFB in San Antonio to help with evacuees from Louisiana. It's one of the few times that the U.S. has accepted foreign assistance. Well, I say, ¡Viva México!

Suicide in Germany Every 47 Minutes

Armin Schmidtke of the National Program for the Prevention of Suicide in Germany reports that in Germany someone commits suicide every 47 minutes. She says that worldwide it's such a large number of people that it's as if September 11 happens every day. As the song from Mexico goes, "La vida no vale nada, nada vale la vida."

Bring Him On!

Bring Him On!, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

Bush was more than ready to land on a flight deck of an aircraft carrier. How 'bout parachuting him into New Orleans right near the Convention Center? I say bring him on!

You Have Been Warned

Sonnette Ehlers in South Africa has developed a penis trap to be used against rape. It's actually a condom placed in a woman's vagina. If she get raped the condom, called Rapex, adheres to the attacker's penis and cannot be removed. If he tries to pull the condom off, it digs even deeper into his penis. When he shows up at a hospital for help, the emergency personnel can call the police. So, it prevents the spread of AIDS by rape, and prevents pregnancy from a rape. Let someone get "trapped" and it'll prevent rape too!

The Perfect Job for Me

The London zoo has an exhibit of homo sapiens on display in it's simian section. They just wear swim suits and play all day. Sounds perfect! Do they have one person sitting at a computer all day reading the Internet? No? Well, that's the job for me. Where do I apply?

Borat Attacks

I had heard that Borat was hitchhiking in Wise County, Texas, but I suppose he got a ride. Now, he's in California.

Nostalgic?

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...Chairman Mao rides again!

An Anonymous Administration Official Said:

"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground... We are in the process of...shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning." Don't you like that? Shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning...how about in the middle and will dominate at the end. Shedding the unreality? Hardly.

Sing Us a Song, Piano Man

Sing us a song he did. It was all a fraud. It turns out the Piano Man can't play the piano, and he didn't have amnesia. He used to work in a mental hospital, so he knew how to act like a mental patient. He's just a gay German who wanted to commit suicide, but didn't go thru with it. By the way, isn't gay German a contradiction in terms?

Who Done It?

Workers in a mosque near Jaffa found a pig's head inside the mosque with a keffiyeh and the name Mohammed written on it. Okay, Muslims and Jews both consider the pig to be impure. So, who would have brought it in there? Christians? Discordians? Atheists?

Honorary American

Honorary American, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

I have the pleasure of announcing that Lord Furthermore has been granted honorary American citizenship. Attached is a photo of the Lord Himself. One problem, though, since we allow no royalty in America, we have taken the liberty of changing his royal title of Lord to his first name. Therefore, let it be known far and wide that the former Lord Furthermore will be henceforth named Lord Furthermore. The word Lord no longer being a title, but his first name.

This action is in line with that great American tradition of re-inventing oneself, a la Puff Daddy to P Diddy to Diddy. Besides, we can make you American, democratic, and consumerist whether you want to be or not, just ask the French. EuroDisney is just a little parcel of red, white, and blue in France. Our red, white, and blue by God!

Notice in the photo how Lord stares to the horizon personifying American wanderlust, as he fills 'er up with foreign fossil fuel. Go west young man! Or in this case, put on your glasses old man! He's really squinting in an effort to make out the visible panty lines of some much younger American women going into the Burger King next door. (Okay, so we do allow some royalty here.) No, there's no thongs in them red states, thank God!

Ever vigilant! See how Lord steadfastly attends the pump as directed by the sign on the gas pump. You know in your heart that he wasn't prosecuted, because Lord wouldn't drive off! Jack off, maybe, but never drive off.

Open road, convertible with the top down, sliding that throbbing stiff gas nozzle into the hot wet tunnel, oh happy day! How much more American could he be? Welcome to American citizenship, Lord, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Death by PowerPoint Ain't Just a Phrase

Yale professor Edward R Tufte says that not only are PowerPoint presentations boring, they are actually dangerous. He even says that a continuous PowerPoint presentation could have been responsible for the Columbia space shuttle crash. He says it makes you dumb.

Norwegian Men Request Caesarian

What? Norwegian men want to have Caesarian sections...uh, no, the want their women to have them. Hmmm...now I wonder why would that be? ;-)

Porn Makes You Blind

Well, ain't that a helluva note? First it's masturbation, then Viagra, and now it's porn! Well, okay, porn won't make you blind quite the same way the other two will (said by someone with severe myopia). It "confuses" you so that you can't pick out a picture of a certain building, if there's a porn picture in the stack close to it. Someone in the US (that means with an ax to grind) tested volunteers to see of they could pick out a photo of a specific building from a stack of a hundred or so photos. The test really was to see if they could pick it out after having seen a porn photo shortly before. I wonder if handling the photos makes hair grow on your palms.

Well, It's Not a Completely Bad Thing, Is It?

More and more Brits are drinking themselves to death. Alcohol that is. In England and Wales deaths from cirrhosis of the liver or alcohol poisoning have risen by 18.4%. In the North England region of Yorkshire and Humber the rates have increased by 46.5%. Sounds bad, but just think, it's mostly those football hooligans. Not so bad after all, huh?

I Heard It from Dan Savage

But, it's not a joke. A man died after having sex with a horse. No, the horse didn't kick him, the horse, uh, well, fucked him to death. Really. Click the link.

But Can She Sing Happy Birthday, Mr. President?

Sherri Lea Laird is Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. Okay, so who's the reincarnation of my grandmother? I'd much rather talk to her.

Insurance Against Senility?

A study of monolingual and bilingual individuals shows that the bilinguals suffer less from senile dementia than monolinguals. ¿Muy interesante, no?

Foot Size + 5 cm Divided by Two

Russian researchers have discovered that you can tell how big a man's dick is by the size of his foot. Measure the length of his foot in centimeters, add 5, then divide by two. The formula works for 90% of men. Of course, you could just put on clown shoes to impress people.

Okay, Mike, but No Biting

Mike Tyson has run out of money. So, he's turning to his skills as an actor to get out of debt. Huh? Actor? Well, uh, yeah, actor. See, he's going to become a porn star under the stage name of "Iron Mike." What's he gonna do when he get 'em in the clinch? No biting, Mike, no biting.

Just Blame It on the Viagra

Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended from Major League baseball because of steroid use. He testified in Congress that he has "never used steroids. Period." Even today he says, "I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." He claims not to know how steroids got into his body. Well, he has been on TV as a pitch (get it?) man for Viagra. Maybe that's how! Wait a minute! I get it, he unintentionally used them. Well, that's okay then.

Michael's Latest Album a Big Flop

Yes, it was bound to happen. Michael Jackson's comeback is more like a go-away. His latest album The Essential Michael Jackson sold only 8000 copies in the USA in its first week. Just move to Berlin, Michael, and leave us alone.

Free Admission for the Naked

The Leopold Museum in Vienna has a summer special. If you show up naked at the entrance, you get in free.

Fuck Me Pumps Cause Schizophrenia

Hey, I ain't makin' this up. A Swedish researcher, Jarl Flensmark,has published a paper in Medical Hypotheses that the advent of high heels coincides with the first reported cases of schizophrenia. He goes even further to point out that the mass production of high heel shoes is followed by higher rates of schizophrenia. This happened in Massachusetts where mass production of shoes began, and the same pattern shows up when mass production spread to Europe. Who knew?

Chewable Viagra

I hadn't heard of this new way to take Viagra, but here it is. They say there's this "problem" in Argentina, because younger men are taking it for recreational reasons. So? Like there's some other reason for sex? Okay, okay, that's how we procreate, but if it weren't for the fun part of it we would have gone extinct eons ago. Bring 'em on!

41 or 46 Samples Contained Cocaine

The toilets in the European Parliament building have traces of cocaine on them. So says German professor Fritz Sörgel. He's done similar studies on public restrooms around Europe. He found 80% of the toilets in the Bundestag in Berlin had cocaine traces, and that 90% in Brussels did. The Parliament's response was to call the testing an "invasion of privacy" and threaten legal action.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised...It Will Be Marketed

Step right up, folks, get your Che Guevara T-shirt, your Che herbal tea, and your Che coat from the Burlington Coat Factory. Don't believe me? Just take at look at this!

Mi Segunda Patria

In Latin America they have this concept of the 2nd Homeland. I guess it started with the Spaniards whose homeland was Spain, but their American colony was their segunda patria. Anyway, Mexico is mine. There's something so...uh...Mexican about it. Hard to put into words, but here's one example.

Zach and I went to Chichen Itza on Tuesday. It's a lot different now. This was my 4th time there. They have some of the things fenced off so you can't get on them or touch them. You can still climb El Castillo, but you can't get on that monument to the warriors (whatever it's called). Parts of the Ball Court are off limits too. The first time we went in about '87 you could crawl into places they had opened up back in the woods. That's where I got the rock that I brought home. Part of the Patrimony of Mexico, and I took it, but, hey, I can't find it anymore, so I guess it serves me right.

Of course, it wouldn't be Mexico without some bathroom problem. The bus we took from Progreso to Chichen Itza has a bathroom. It's this little box like thing right by the rear door. You go down the steps to get into it. The catch was that the lock didn't work, so the door swung open if you didn't hold it, and the light inside the little box didn't work. You had to go by feel. I know 'cause I had to use it. Later on this kid, a boy about 10, went to use it. He asked me how you turn on the light and I said you don't. His mom and sister thought it was all very funny. Then I told all of them about peeing in a coke bottle in the back of a bus in Dolores Hidalgo, and throwing it out the window. The two kids were just flabbergasted. I can't describe the look on their faces, but they were just stunned. Their mother thought it was funny. I love Mexico!

The Cruise Is Over

Had a great time. Saw Chichen Itza for my fourth time, went to Cozumel for the first time (if you don't count landing and taking off at the Cozumel airport), and Belize City for the first and hopefully last time.

Some photos soon.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Okay, we all know that Leonardo DiCaprio was recently attacked by a woman with a beer bottle. The attack came close to killing him. What we didn't know was that the "party" he was attending during the attack was an orgy. No, I'm not making it up. For as reliable as See and Hear is, somebody probably made it up. But, what if it's true? Giselle Bundchen at an orgy?

Elation

Going on vacation! On a cruise no less. We'll be stopping in Progreso, Yucatan, Cozumel, Quintana Roo, and Belize. I'll be taking the 14 yr old grandson on a little bus excursion to Chichen Itza. After that I may not be up to doing much else. We leave Sunday and return the following Sunday. Who knows, something really interesting might happen...or not.

Say It Ain't So

Tom Cruise has asked for Katie Holmes' hand in marriage. Wait a minute! Isn't there an international campaign against pedophiles going on right now?
Mercy me.

I'm Shocked, Shocked...

Here's an example of a master at work. Mark Felt, who was Deep Throat, was twice put in charge of investigations to find out who was Deep Throat. He was so sly that he speculated the leaker probably was in the FBI. This guy had balls! Plus he was really mad. Nixon had passed him over for the head job at the FBI once J. Edgar Hoover quit wearing dresses for good. Don't fuck with a smart bureaucrat, you'll be holding you head in your own hands wondering what happened.

Not Guilty

Ten counts...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty...not guilty.

Judge Has Verdict in His Hand

Now, the judge is looking at the verdict. Court clerk will read it aloud.

Jury in the Court Room

The 8 women and 4 men are in the court room. Judge in place. Oh, oh, oh...

Michael's in the Court Room

Michael's entourage has arrived. Even LaToya has arrived. Oh my, I just can't stand the tension! No announcement yet...

Oh, I'm Just on Needles and Pins

I heard that the Michael Jackson jury has a verdict! Live feed at 1:45pm PDT. Can you feel the electricity in the air? Nah, I can't either.

Oh Those Germans!

Ya know, they're always thinking. When the World Cup comes to Germany, the city of Dortmund will have special "sex-garages" for the hookers and customers to use. It helps keep things under control better than just letting the whores roam the streets. How Germanic!

300 Orgasms per Day

No, it's not me, but I wish it was! Michelle Thompson "suffers" from the disorder called Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS). Yes, it causes her to have orgasms all day long. Can you get that in a bottle?

Garganta Profunda

Well, finally, we know who Deep Throat was and is. I must say I'm glad I found out. Glad I lived long enough to know. It was just one of those things that always fascinated me. I don't know why exactly, it just did. Now, that leaves just a few questions unanswered: Who Killed Kennedy, Who Really Killed Marilyn Monroe, What Happened at Roswell, Just Who's at Area 51, Where Is Osama bin Laden, Who Was Behind the Assassination of Luis Donaldo Colosio...

Dude, Where's My Ear?

A British mother of two lost her left ear while drying her hair. A couple of months before she had undergone plastic surgery to make her ears not stick out so much. Uh, I think it worked! Now, it won't stick out at all.

Yes, It Has Come to That

Wanna be a blogger without having to do any writing. Well, here's the answer - autoblogger. Why bother with all that thinking? Is it him or is it Memorex? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

For God So Loved the World...

Taken from Harper's Weekly Review.

a man in Holland was being tried on charges that he killed his mother, skinned her, dressed up in her skin, and then went out to direct traffic and recite Bible verses. “He loved her so much,” said his lawyer.

Apocalypse Tomorrow

Not really, but it will probably sound like it. I received the following email from the Business Operations Director:

Please be advised that a 21 gun salute honoring soldiers killed in action will take place on Thursday, May 26, at 11:30 am. We have been advised that the Honor Guard will be utilizing 40 mm cannons on the Capitol Grounds, which will obviously be quite loud. This e-mail is being sent to all State Office staff to eliminate staff calls and concerns regarding the event’s noise.

Um...Do They Make These for Men?

They're called Passion Pants, and they caused a British woman to faint in the supermaket. Yes, they're panties with a built-in vibrating dildo. Oh yeah.

Nearly 80 Horses Given Viagra

What?! They're giving horses Viagra? Yes, some 80 racing horses in Italy were given Viagra to "raise their performance capacity." What are they trying to get them to do? Something unnatural no doubt.

Dead? What Dead?

The government of Uzbekistan has denied that any civilians were killed in Friday's disturbance. Eyewitnesses say 745 people were massacred by troops. Hmm...who ya gonna believe? A heavy-handed dictatorship or people that were there?

Dia do Orgasmo

Yes, today is Orgasm Day in Esperantina, Brazil. Hmm...Esperantina, something to do with Hope, I believe.

Don't Put That in Your Ass, You Don't Know Where It's Been!

Some patients in Den Haag underwent some procedures with "dirty endoscopes." That means the garden-hose-like thing that the doctors shoved up their asses weren't disinfected. So, now they're all having to be checked for Hepatitis C, Aids, etc. When did you have your last colonoscopy? Well, that's too long.

Sounds Like He's Talking about Us

Gunter Grass, the so-called "Conscience of Germany", has a strong criticism of capitalism and its effect on democracy. He's talking about Germany, but it applies to the United States as well.

Hey, Fella, You Need a Tow?

A Polish man's car was stopped on the Autobahn in Germany, when a German driver asked him if he needed a tow. He answered "yes" but shouldn't have. The German connected the two cars, and proceeded to pull the Polish guy's car at the speed of 160 kph. That would be about 99 miles an hour. They were supposed to stop at the next exit, but they just kept going and going. When the German finally stopped, the Polish guy's car was a total wreck. It only needed some coolant in the first place. Beware of Germans bearing gifts.

Bin Laden Bin Dyin'

A website close to Al-Qaeda reports that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Of course, it couldn't be confirmed. By the way, who would confirm it anyway? Likewise, it wasn't reported when he died.

Ve Haf Vayz to Get Yur Money

Several cities in Germany have introduced a new sex tax. Bars, clubs, etc that employ "sex workers" must now pay a tax. Some cities base the tax on square meters the businesses occupy, and some just tax the sex workers. How would that work in the U.S.? Hmmm...we'd have to legalize prostitution first...

Mohammed's Radio

Mohammed's Radio, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

The Taliban is back on the air. Don't it make you wanna rock 'n roll? All night long, Mohammed's Radio.

Benedictus XVI

Benedictus XVI, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

"Ah, nun kann Ich alle die kleine Kinderen heben, dass Ich will."

Don't You Know Her Mother's Proud?

Victoria Silvstedt who is some kind of model/celebrity says that she had sex on a jetski. But did they have on life jackets? Wouldn't be very safe sex in that case, now would it?

Tu Tambien Puedes Ser Director de Porno

Yes, you can be a director of you own porn film. Just enter the contest at sexovoyeur.cl, and maybe your name will be drawn.

The Pot and The Kettle Both Look Black to Me

Pamela Anderson has called Jennifer Lopez and idiot. 'Nuff said.

You Live in Paradise! Stop Looking!

The luxurious Peoples' Republic of Korea (North Korea) has now banned the usage of Korean words used in South Korea. They've also banned videotapes of South Korean soap operas, and other media. It's against the law to dress in the fashion of South Koreans. "You have nothing to eat? Stop whining, you live in a Workers' Paradise."

JP2 Avenue

JP2 Avenue, originally uploaded by Marcos Arroyos.

The street in Warsaw named after the recently deceased Pope, JP2, has an unseemly little shop on it. It was there before he became Pope? No, I don't think so.