Bush Goin' Bonkers?

Looks like he's goin' the way of Nixon. Gettin' a little shaky is he? Just ask his staff.

Bumpersticker

I was sitting in traffic the other day, and saw a bumpersticker with lots of writing on it. My lane of traffic was moving and the lane with the bumbersticker was stopped. As I creeped past, it saw that it said, "Bill Clinton is no longer the holder of the title of Worst President in American History." I didn't know he was the previous holder of that title, but I must say I agree that he's been beat!

I'm Pretty Far Down the Rankings in That Case

Who ranks as the highest?
One who does not harm anything.
One who never retaliates.
One who is always at peace regardless
of the other person's disposition.
- Buddha

It Arrived Right On Time

Every year for at least the last 20 years and probably longer than that the temperature in May starts out pleasant, but by Memorial Day it's unbearable. Yesterday, was Memorial Day, and I hear that it reached 100 degrees F. (38 C) officially in Austin. You can always count on Memorial Day itself being viciously hot. Today is just as hot! God help us!

What Two Countries Have the Largest Number of Spanish Speakers?

This was surprising, it's Mexico #1 with 95 million speakers, and the United States #2 with 46 million. We have even more Spanish speakers than Spain!

So THAT'S Why...

The CDC has announced that teens are screwing less and eating more. Hmmm...is that why newly-weds almost always start getting fat right after the wedding ceremony?

Maybe He Should Worry About His Priests First

The Pope is worried about American society's "soulless vision of life." How about the vision of his pedophile priests that they protected for so long? Wake up, old man, the world is steaming right on by.

What's with these One-Eyed Mullahs?

The British police arrested Abu Hamza today due to an American request. We're going to try to extradite him. Abu Hamza has only one good eye. Then there's that Mullah Omar of Taliban fame who is known as the One-Eyed Mulla. Then what about that cleric, Sheikh Abdul Omar Rahman, we have in prison in New York who was behind the first WTC bombing? That fucker's completely blind! He doesn't even have one eye. Is there some subtle metaphysical hint here that these guys are symbolically fucking blind? I would say open your eyes to them, but that wouldn't help.

Now They Tell Us!

Not only did we get sucker punched by the Iraqis, now it looks like we got bamboozled by the Iranians. Things are never what they seem!

18,000 Strong and Still Growing!

According to the International Institute of Strategic Studies, Al Qaeda has 18,000 members around the world, and their recruitment has grown due to the war in Iraq. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot! George, how are you still walking with so many bullets in your feet?

Please, Please, Go Help Someone Else!

We have helped the Iraqis to over 5500 dead since Bush declared "Mission Accomplished." Don't you feel good to be such a help to the Iraqi people?

Now, The Conspiracy Theory Gets Even Better! Bring 'em On!

Aztlan.net has even more info on the Nick Berg video. It's just a way to deflect attention away from Abu Ghraib. God bless the Internet! The conspiracy theories can travel a the speed of light now.

New Guinness Record!

Most nude riders on a roller coaster. Bring 'em on!

Who Ranks the Highest?

Who ranks as the highest?
One who does not harm anything.
One who never retaliates.
One who is always at peace regardless
of the other person's disposition.
- Buddha

It Took a Month to Admit It, but Better Late than Never

Barbara Ehrenreich finally said what I've been waiting for a woman to say.

Ahmad Chalabi - Fallen from Favor

This guy takes us on a wild goose chase that we paid heavily for, he admits that he was just leading us on, and we still supported him to the tune of over $300K per month. It wasn't until just last month that we cut the guy off from the trough. What the hell is or was going on here? He fed the Pentagon false intelligence about Saddam's WMD just to get us to establish him as the leader of Iraq. We fly him in just after the war started, only to find out the guy has no backing among the people. The fact that he hadn't lived in Iraq for 40+ years wasn't a clue? So, now finally he's fallen from favor. The people in the Bush administration were so dead set on going to war that they just ate up everything he told them. Kind of like getting screwed by a used car salesman, and going back to do business with him some more.

Not Enough Blood

Yesterday, I read a post on Aztlan.net that the Berg beheading was a fraud. According to a MD in Mexico, there wasn't enough blood in the video to indicate that Berg had been alive when it happened. I watched the video, and I did notice something out of place. The screams of the victim were not in sync with the video. In fact, the sound of the screams starts when the "killer" pulls the knife out of his shirt. Except, Berg doesn't change expression. I had put it down to being a very cheap video, etc. But, like the doctor says, if he was already dead, then he wouldn't spurt blood all over the place. So, I have to say that perhaps he was already dead, and they just had him propped up there to look like he was alive. The video shows him telling about his family, but it's clearly video from a different time. Things are not what they seem...still.

Rummy Said It's Okay

So, there's a new article out from Seymour Hersch that says Rummy approved the "less restrictive" interrogation techniques developed for Guantanamo for use in Abu Ghraib. See, I told he was on his way out!

Mistake

Yesterday, I made the mistake of viewing the Nick Berg beheading video. I found out it was available on a website. I wanted to see it, but after I saw it, I was sick at my stomach. I stayed that way for the rest of the day. One thing about though, it makes you realize what we humans are capable of.

Food for Not Thought

It is better to see God in everything than to try and figure it out.

-Neem Karoli Baba

I Support [fill in the blank] 110%

Does the statement, "I support Tom Eagleton 110%," ring any bells? It does to me. That's what George McGovern said about his Vice-Presidential running mate just before he dumped him. Yesterday, Bush said to Rumsfeld, "You're doing a superb job." That's a sure sign that Rummy is on his way out.

Original Mothers' Day

The first Mothers' Day was actually a protest against war. It was really about mothers raising their kids not to participate in war. What happened?

Murder & Rape

Unnamed military sources who've seen the photos and videos that Rumsfeld referred to say that they include images of murder and rape. Now, this makes you wonder just where did these soldiers learn how to do that? Some of them are prison guards in their civilian life. But, that leaves some who are just regular people. War not only kills inocent people, it also cripples those that survive it.

The Higher You Go the Further You Have to Fall

Bush and Rumsfeld must really be squirmin' these days. They make all these claims about how we're battling evil, how we're the noble ones, and then out come those undeniable torture photos. But, it's not like they didn't set themselves up for it. Bush thinks he's been annointed by God to rid the world of evil, and he turns out to be one of the worst offenders. Rumsfeld even told the senators that there are videos and more photos that are yet to come out. He said, "There are a lot more photographs and videos that exist. If these are released to the public, obviously it's going to make matters worse." It's an awfully long way down from way up there.

Would You Like Glass Shards with That?

I was struggling to get out of the truck this morning, because my parking "neighbor" was too close to the line, and I dropped Nana's thermos and it broke. So, I couldn't have my coffee this morning at work. I cursed very loudly when it happened, and opened my door real hard so it would put a mark on my neighbor's SUV. Yes, SUV, what else? I had to go over to the Capitol Grill to get some coffee, but even though it's good it's not mine.

Well, THAT Is Awfully Nice of You

The new US chief of prisons in Iraq, Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller, has anounced a policy banning the use of hoods on prisoners. "I believe [the hood] sends a message we do not want to send to the civilian population," he said today. Now, isn't that special? Oh, the hoods were alright until some pictures of them got on CBS and then the internet. They were in use from the beginning until just today, and that's not the message we want to send. Give me a fucking break! How arrogant, what else are we going to decide is not the message we want to send? Uh, maybe illegally invading another country, and killing over 10,000 civilians?

Now, The Real Fire Drill

Last week we had a fire on the 5th floor which was confined to a file room, but we all evacuated the building thinking it was a drill. We had been told there would be a fire drill soon, so we thought that was it. Now, today we have the real (?) fire drill. We all exited the building in a very orderly manner, because just last week we sort of practiced. One hint that it was a drill was there the lobby was full of firefighters when we came down from one floor up. The Fire Department is fast, but not that fast. Like in many places the firefighters are also EMTs, so I figured they were there in case one of us overweight, underactive, bloated government employees passed out in the stairs on the way down. Just imagine trying to evacuate a building full of bureaucrats! Bring out the oxygen mask, Reginald.

50 +1 Ways to Leave Your Lover

"Get out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan"

Send an SMS, Jess.

Virtual breaking up is hard (easy?) to do.

That's a Pretty Good Idea

Some 8th grade students in the Chicago area gave away laxative laced brownies to classmates. They got in trouble, too. But, that got me to thinking, what about doing that around here? First, there's no doubt that they would be eaten. Second, some of the "victims" would probably be grateful.

They Can Use the Money We Gave Them

The families of the Pakistanis killed in the fake terrorist attack are suing the Macedonian Government. Let's see, the Macedonians did this to raise their stature with the US as a partner in the "War on Terror" in order to get more money. So, maybe they can used the extra money we gave them to pay off the families. What tangled webs we weave...

Now, That's Certainly a New Take on the Problem

Macedonia, one of our allies in the "Coalition of the Willing", has been faking terrorist attacks. I guess they don't have enough of their own, and they needed to make some up.

A Sad Day Indeed!

Word has come out that one third of the actors in the adult film industry had tested positive for HIV. The story just broke two weeks ago when one actor, Darren James, tested positive. Now it is positively an epidemic! Some say that now the industry will have to require actors to use condoms. Directors have refused to do that in the past because "viewers were not favorable." Well, it looks like we're going to have to suffer condoms with our porn. A sad day indeed!

We Have Been Sucker Punched

Baghdad fell too easily. The Special Republican Guards offered almost no resistance. Not even soldiers in the bases near Tikrit when CNN arrived ahead of US troops. Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld, et al thought we had just scared them off. They thought the Shock and Awe had just been overwhelming. Turns out the Iraqi Generals had a plan all along. That's one thing the Neo-cons forgot - things in the Middle East are never what they appear to be. As salaam aleykum, baby.

Cheap in More Than One Way

Last night at dinner Nana was telling me how she went to Wal-Mart to get her hair cut and that they had corn on the cob on sale. They were 4 for a dollar. We were eating them and she kept talking about how corn is cheap when it first comes in. They used to by it at Skaggs for 10 for a dollar, or something like that. Finally, I asked her, "How many did you buy?" "Four." "Four? They were so cheap that you only got four?" "Yes, that's all we ever get is four." "No, it isn't. Jean usually gets more than four. Wow, they were so cheap you got a dollar's worth! Did the checkout clerk ask you why you bothered?" I'm laughing hard by now. "No, she didn't." "Did you buy anything else?" "Yes, I got some milk and some cookies." "I'll bet you bought more than just four cookies." "No, I bought four." "You bought four cookies?" "Yeah, four packages." "Yeah, that's what I thought, you bought more than four cookies." I'm still laughing really hard. "'I'll bet you said, 'Wow, that corn is so cheap, I'll buy a dollar's worth." "Well, yes, it was cheap." "It sure was! It was cheap alright." "Cheap in both ways, wasn't it?" "Yes, cheap in both ways."

This Is Not a Test

About 11:30 this morning at work the fire alarm went off. No one had told us about a fire drill (we usually know about them in advance), so we left the building in an orderly manner. We gathered by the monument to fallen Peace Officers. We all thought it was a surprise fire drill, because we had gotten an email last week saying that everyone must participate in the drills. Evidently, some people weren't actually leaving when we had a drill. I can't imagine that to tell you the truth - a government employee not leaving his or her office when given half a chance? Well, anyway, we go to the Peace Officers Memorial, and I start thinking that we used to go down the street to a nearby park and check in at one of the picnic tables. So, I head off in that direction only to run across a group of people from my office coming back from there. They told me that no one was at the picnic table. I went back to the memorial and was gossiping about someone's promotion or lack of it with a person I know, when they come over to get me, because I need to sign in and be accounted for. Shortly after that we re-enter the building. I learned later that it wasn't a surprise fire drill, it was the real thing. There had been a fire on the 5th floor in a file room. It sure was a nice spring day outside. I wonder what will burn around here.

Who

Who is this that hears,
Who is this that sees,
It's me, you say
Who's that?

Can you find me inside?
Can you find anyone inside?
Are you the same person
You were in high school?

No?
Then who is it that sees,
Who is it that hears,
It's me, you say
Who's that?

No Bread and Wine for You

So, the Vatican declares that Catholic politicians who are pro-choice should not receive communion. What about pedophiles? Can they still get communion?

Food Is a Drug!

Brain scans of subjects who smelled and tasted foods like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, and such had the same reactions as drug addicts when craving drugs. The study says the same brain circuits get activated. Now, for the War on Food! Get ready for interdiction of chocolate from Switzerland, pasta from Italy, and well nothing from England, because their food is so bad.

Ye Shall Be Like Unto A Serpent

Last night Nana was letting the dogs out for the last time before bed, when she saw a snake on our back porch. She came and got me from upstairs. She was scared to death! She was breathing hard and shaking. Anyway, we couldn't find the snake, but the dogs could smell it, and I had to get them to go on out the door. She called to tell me that Papa found the snake on the back porch in the corner where all that junk is by the screen door. She wanted me to know that she wasn't seeing things. I didn't accuse her of seeing things, but she brought it up this morning. She thought that maybe it had just been a "vision." I didn't think it was because the dogs went straight over there smelling all around. If they hadn't done that, then of course I would have thought she was having visions.

Barely Treading Water

I have a deadline looming, that's becoming harder and harder to meet. I made a committment yesterday that I could have something finished by the close of business on Thursday. Now, I find out that what I thought I had left to do was only part of it! Ay que la chingada! Oy vey, and all those other phrases of distress! God help me.

Figment

This morning Papa came out of his room saying that he felt very good, and that he had slept better than he had in a long time. He said he woke up once, having to go to the bathroom, and noticed that there was a woman in his room dancing. She was moving around and casting her shadow on the wall. Nana asked him if she was young (what does that tell ya?), and he said yes. I asked if she had on any clothes (what does that tell ya?), and he said yes she had on some orange kind of pants. He said he just got up and walked right by her on his way to the bathroom, and just ignored her. When he came back, she was gone. I told him that she probably got mad and left because he was ignoring her, he said, "Yeah, she probably did." He said he had taken a pain pill and figured that's why he had that dream. Hmmm...he's got some Vicodin...

Spring Fever or Something More?

Ever since spring started I've been thinking more and more often about leaving this line of work, or leaving work altogether. Now, that could be because it's spring fever. But, my experience in past years is different. This time I've been thinking a lot about retiring. It just has a different feel this time. I can't exactly retire and draw my pension yet, but...oh well.

Rain Falls on All

Yes, it does. Like Jesus said, it falls on the just and the unjust alike. I hope it's doing some good.

Jesus Said...

Verily, I say unto you
The people were not created
For the country
The country was created
For the people

For those with ears to hear
The corporation was not created
For the CEO
Nay, the corporation was created
For the customer

For those with eyes to see
Upside-down is passing
For right side up
Inside-out is cheered
As right side out

Stumbling Block

Walk slowly, walk carefully
The road is littered with mines
They will surely find your footfall
You can't avoid it
Walk you must, walk you must

When you plant your weight
On the detonator you will be
Shocked, surprised, unbelieving
Not because you didn't know
It would happen

You won't understand
Why now, why here?
What made this time and place
So explosive, so painful
So unexpectedly?

Don't Say That

Is it ok to say
That you're angry
That you're frustrated
That you're tired?
Is it ok to express
In words you really feel
What it's like inside?

My experience says no
My feelings say yes
My gut is just an
Agnostic
What next?

Secret Budget and It's Still Not Enough

According to George Tenet the CIA needs 5 years to become "the kind of clandestine service that the US requires." What the hell have they been doing since '93 when the first WTC bombing took place?

They're at It Again!

A couple of months ago my mother was going to have surgery, then wasn't, then was, and so on. Well, now it's my dad, code name "Papa". His doctor told him he wanted him to have a pacemaker. The doctor told him this a week or so ago. Papa thought they were just discussing it and that it might happen sometime in May. Then last week the doctor's office called to tell him that he had surgery scheduled for Thursday April 15. He said, "I must have told them to go ahead." I don't think he has a clue. Well, he wasn't sure he even wanted to go thru this, because, after all, he's almost 85. So, he called the doctor last week, and told them he didn't want to do it. Okay, all is well. The doctor's office calls back and says the doctor wants to talk to him about it, and scheduled an appointment for yesterday. I'm thinking that after their talk, they'll just monitor him and wait on the surgery. Well, right in the middle of it all, he decides he'll just go ahead and do it. He calls the doctor, and tells them he'll go thru with it after all. They say okay, the time slot is still open for Thursday, so he takes it. I get home last night (not feeling well) and find out that he's gone ahead and set this up again! I wasn't included in all this, so I'm not sure I'm even needed to be there.

Just put them in a fucking nursing home, if this ever comes up for you (except for y'all, Jennifer and Kirsten)! This is worse than having 3 year olds, because no one will take action based on the word of a 3 year old alone. But, let me tell you, they'll sure do it on the word of an 80 year old, even tho they are no more reliable than 3 year olds!

Well, That Explains It!

Cannabis use linked to early-onset schizophrenia.

A Theology for Our Times

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping are here to save your soul (and money)! Hallelujah, Glory Be, Reverend Billy pray for me!

Rock & Roll!

It was 50 years ago today that Bill Haley played "Rock Around the Clock" which began the age of rock 'n roll. Oh yeah!

Plane Over Crawford?

The Austin American Statesman reported today that a small airplane got too close to the President's ranch on Friday, and caused fighter jets to be scrambled. The plane landed in San Marcos, and the people on it were questioned. I live south of Crawford by about 75 or 100 miles. My parents were at home yesterday when they heard a loud noise that they thought was an airplane or a low flying helicopter. It turns out that it was the fighter jets chasing the small plane.

Winner by 83%?

Abdellaziz Buteflika has been re-elected President of Algeria by a margin of 83%. C'mon man, make it look at least a little real! Even George Bush knew to steal an election and get away with it, you have to make it look like there was real opposition. This will never fly. Look for some more Jihad.

Where's the Door?

Ignorant of their ignorance, yet wise
In their own esteem, these deluded men,
Proud of their vain learning go round and round
Like the blind led by the blind. Far beyond
Their eyes, hypnotized by the world of sense,
Opens the way to immortality.
"I am my body; when my body dies,
I die." Living in this superstition
They fall life after life under my sway.

-Katha Upanishad

Me and Stevie going round and round.

We Will Have No Blood on Our Hands

Some call Barcelona the "Peace Capital of the World." Now, there's another reason to do so: Barcelona has banned bullfights. "We are not stinking Castillians, we are Catalans!" Away with your foreign customs!

Tattoos Are Out

Now you can get eye implants of silver, gold or other precious metals. No more having your blue eyes turn gray, or your brown eyes turn hazel. It's available in the Netherlands, where else?

Ken Lay Comes Clean

There's a rumor going around that Ken Lay, former CEO of Enron, has decided to turn himself in to Federal authorities and plead guilty to embezzlement, securities fraud, money laundering, and even mail fraud. It seems he attended a screening of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" and was overcome with a desire to repent. Oh, if only it's not a rumor!

Not Exactly An Endorsement of Capital Punishment

All tremble at the rod,
all are fearful of death.
Drawing the parallel to yourself,
neither kill nor get others to kill.

-Dhammapada, 10

But, here in Texas we don't really kill people, we just help them out with their insomnia problem.

Just in Time for Easter

Engineers in Andalucia have developed a robotic arm of Christ for a statue in Malaga that will perform "blesses better." Who said science and religion can't mix?

Peter Was Right

"Speaking paradoxically we may say that incompetence, having been standardized, has now become an essential part of professional excellence. We have no longer incompetent professionals, we have professionalized incompetence." -Feyearabend

They Have a Pill for That Now

Princess Diana made a video before her death saying that the Prince is (or at least was) impotent. And he wanted to be a tampon in Camilla Parker Bowles' cunt? Maybe that's the only way he could get in there.

Now, That's What I Call a Protest!

It seems that a homeless couple in Stockholm decided to have sex in public since they had no where else to go. They went to the city center, put a double bed there, and proceded to fuck out in the open. I'll bet that was quite a show. Leave it to those Swedes!

Okay, I Did Resign...

But, I didn't know you were going to take me to the fucking Central African Republic! What kind of exile is THAT? If it had been like last time, you know Venezuela then Washington, I might not be so pissed. You found the only country in the world that might actually be poorer than Haiti to take me to! C'mon, you think I'm crazy? Hey, even Cedros got Panama for God's sake! Baby Doc? He gets France, and what do I get?...Bangui in the Central African Fucking Republic!

He's Not the First to Do It...

But, he is the first President to do it. It seems that Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, called George W. a pendejo! Awright, Hugo! Tell it like is is!

Uh, I'm Afraid It Already Is

"We just want the president to synchronize his conscience with his conduct," Representative Elijah E. Cummings said. Well, if you ask me, his conduct is perfectly aligned with his conscience. No contradictions there!

So You Wanna Be an Air Traffic Controller?

Think again. The air traffic controller on duty when two planes collided in the air near the German-Swiss border was killed by an attacker who figured out who he was.

The Stinking French Have Banned the Hijab...

Let's attack the Americans! What? It's the FRENCH, Ayman, not us! We didn't ban the fucking hijab! In fact, people wear them all over the place, along with crosses, and Stars of David. We have something called Freedom of Religion, you stupid cocksucker! You wouldn't know freedom of religion from your shit-stained underwear. Give me a break, and get back in your cave with all those other backward mother-fuckers!

Look Who's Gay!

I heard over the weekend that the Governor's wife, Anita, has moved out of the Governor's Mansion, because she is seeking a divorce. It seems she caught him in bed with a male intern. There's a different story that says it was the Secretary of State, but either way, the Governor who is so pro family, so anti-gay, got caught fucking a man! It's just not okay to be gay in Texas.

Camelot in Texas?

Yes, at least Avalon in Texas. We stayed at a bed and breakfast called Castle Avalon. It is built in the form of a castle and has all the appropriate decorations. It's a little difficult to tell if it's serious or kitsch. Either way, it was fun!

El Verdadero Triangulo de Bermuda?

"En Europa el primer brote de s�filis, conocida en Espa�a como "mal franc�s", en Italia como "mal espa�ol" y en Francia como "mal napolitano", se dio en 1493, cuando Cristobal Col�n volvi� de su primer viaje a Am�rica y durante los siglos XV y XVI caus� miles de muertos."

In Europe the first outbreak of syphlis, known in Spain as "french disease", en Italy as "Spanish disease" and in France as "Neapolitan disease", came about in 1493, when Christopher Columbus returned from his first voyage to America and during the XV and XVI centuries caused thousands of deaths.

Wasn't He in the KGB?

Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, used to be the top man at the KGB. One of Putin's challengers in the Russian Presidential election coming up this spring has suddenly disappeared after a running a full-page add in the newspaper criticizing Putin. Coincidence?

Quotation

"One of my discarded pubic hairs has more talent that Kid Rock." - Marcos Arroyos

All Because of a Tit and a Shield

Gimme a break! We're gonna have a 5 minute delay in live broadcasts just because of a tit? What would have happened with two tits? Ten minute delay? C'mon!

0.2 or 2.0?

Some guy in Europe has named his son John Cusak 2.0. Wouldn't you know it, he's an engineer.

Travelog (finale)

Day Five - Thursday January 22

Barbados

It was about noon on Thursday when we pulled into the port at Bridgetown, Barbados. I didn�t know, but almost everyone else on the ship did, that the Queen Mary 2 was in port at Bridgetown. We sailed in and everyone ran to the top deck to shoot photos. We took a few, but it seemed kind of silly taking pictures of a cruise ship from another cruise ship. We docked right at the port, because the Queen Mary was where we would normally dock. Actually that made it better for us, because the people on the Queen Mary had to take shuttle busses into the terminal, and we only had to walk. We had signed up for another bus tour, so we went into the terminal. I was quite impressed with the terminal. It was really a shopping mall, I don�t think there was really any official purpose to it, unless of course, the official purpose is shopping. I mean there wasn�t a Customs office or anyone to check passports or anything like that. Barbados is an independent country, so I expected something official like at least a stamp on my passport or something. Nothing!

We boarded our tours bus, and found the seats to be made for munchkins. The only way two people could sit on one of those seats would be for the one by the aisle to hang one butt cheek over the edge of the seat. So, there was room for like three American-size butt cheeks. And, to tell you the truth, the Barbadians didn�t look any smaller than us, so I�m not sure who the bus was built for, but it wasn�t us. Our driver was named Tyrone, and he explained that they were a former British colony and so they drive on the right side of the road. He drove us out of Bridgetown through large fields of sugar cane. Evidently, Barbados relies on sugar and rum exports for its economy...well, and tourism. Anyway, we were passing these rows of very tall, very beautiful palm trees. Tyrone said, �These palm trees are called Royal Palms. They are very pretty, and look like they would be very productive, but they are good for nothin�.� I thought that was kind of funny, because I thought he was remarking on the uselessness of royalty. But, no one else laughed. Then, he said it again, and asked, �Do you get what I mean?� I was right, he was disparaging the royals! Good for him! He also pointed out some very unusual looking trees. They were completely bare with branches that look sort of like spaghetti that�s dried after it was cooked. They were the frangipani tree. The blooms from the tree are used to make a perfume. Of course, we had to buy some, well we actually bought frangipani cologne.

We stopped at an old plantation house to look around. It was full of antiques and old horse buggies. Not much to see, really, but at least I got to get off of my right butt cheek for a few minutes. Next, we went to a church in Saint John�s parish. The church wasn�t that spectacular, but the view from the church sure was! It was up on a hill overlooking a little neighborhood nestled on an inlet with a beautiful white beach facing the Atlantic Ocean. The temperature was perfect in the shade of the tall trees, we could have stayed there much longer in my opinion. Besides, I got to exercise my right butt cheek again.

We then went to an old lookout on one of the highest points on the island. It was built by Scots fusiliers, whatever that is. Anyway, the view was spectacular again! You could see the island from the south end to the north end all along the western coast.

On the way back to Bridgetown, Tyrone told us that there are a lot of churches in Barbados, and that you can start your own if you want to. Just buy a Bible, a hallelujah, and a tambourine. He�s right there were a lot of small churches with strange names. Traffic was heavy, and he explained that the main reason for traffic accidents in Barbados is tourists driving on the wrong side of the road.

I was very impressed with Barbados. It looked like more than just a tourist stop, it�s a place that someone could actually live.

We returned to the terminal, where the Goddess accomplished HER mission. That was to get a free charm for the free bracelet she had picked up back on Saint Martin. See, the same company has stores on several of the islands. If you get your free bracelet on Saint Martin, they�ll give you a free charm on Barbados for just coming in. Glad we got THAT done!

The ship set sail for Martinique that night at 10:00 pm.

Day Six - Friday January 23

Martinique

We arrived in Martinique sometime before I woke up. We had scheduled a walking tour of the city center of Fort de France. Just as we got off the ship on the dock, it started raining. It was a fairly light rain though, and I was sure it wouldn�t last long. We were waiting under a little tent like thing, when our guide showed up. She was on her cell phone with her boss. It turns out that they canceled our tour due to the rain. I felt they shouldn�t have done that, because i was sure the rain was going to stop soon. But, what do I know? I�m not a Martinecan. Well, we went in with another couple to share a cab to downtown. Before we even got there, the rain had stopped. See? I knew what I was talking about!

We got out of the cab at a sort of outdoor tourist market. Hmmm...the taxi driver must have been in cahoots with the Goddess. Anyway, the two women headed into the market, and the other man and I stood nearby chatting. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that two men were sitting at the base of a statue smoking something that they were sharing. One of the men was laughing uncontrollably. I mean he was making a lot of noise and certainly not trying to be discreet. I kept looking at them, so the man who wasn�t laughing got up and walked away. The laughing man kept looking at us, and I began to feel he was laughing at us. Maybe we looked funny, but honestly, we didn�t look any different than 5000 other tourists. The Goddess came back to show me what she had bought, and we started walking to another group of tents, when the laughing man started following us. Then he abruptly turned and walked away. I snapped his photo. I�ll include it in the ones I post.

After we bought a few more items, the Goddess and I began walking around downtown. It looks very much like any other town in France. By the way, we were in France. Martinique is a departement of France. That�s like being a state of the US. So, if you�re in Martinique, you�re in France just as much as you�re in the US, if you�re in Hawaii. We made our way back around to near where we got out of the taxi. There was a large park nearby, so we started walking through it. Two young men came walking down a sidewalk perpendicular to the one we were on. I noticed that they both had on black T-shirts. One shirt had a drawing of Tupac Shakur with the words �Thug Life� in big letters. The other one had a large drawing of a marijuana plant. Not only that, they were sharing a smoke too. As they passed by, I detected that familiar smell of marijuana. They didn�t seem to be making any effort to be discreet either. I later found out that there is a lot of drug use in Martinique, but not because the government is so enlightened. It�s because they don�t have very many police. Wow, the Voodoo Nights!

We also discovered something you sure wouldn�t expect to find on a Caribbean island. At least, I didn�t. It was an automated toilet. Yes, automated. I had asked where the toilet was and was directed to these two cylindrical things. They were shaped and colored like a Coors Light can (Bill would have been pleased). I had to get change to use them. The currency there is the Euro (see, I said it was France), so I broke a dollar and the lady gave me 90 cents. One use of the toilet cost 30 cents. Anyway, you put your money in and the door slides open automatically. After you step in, it closes automatically too. Then you used the facilities, and have a place to wash your hands (the water starts running automatically, like the sinks in an airport). The sign said it was an automatic dryer, but I couldn�t get that to work. To exit, you press a lever, and the door opens. After you step out, the door slides closed again, and the toilet undergoes an automatic cleaning and disinfecting. Yes, you can hear water spraying inside and then a sound like it�s drying itself, which it is. While we were waiting for it to clean itself, several other people came up and asked us about it. It was an immediate hit! Everyone wanted to try it. Americans are so easily impressed.

Across the street we saw a museum about the Pre-columbian Caribbean. We went in and it was sort of like every other Pre-columbian museum we�ve been to before. Lots of broken clay pots, jawbones, and sharp rocks.

We took a taxi back to the port, and boarded the ship, because the ship was going to sail at 2:00 pm.

Day Seven - Saturday January 24

All Day at Sea

Upon leaving Martinique, we began our return trip to Miami. It was to take about two and a half days. The Goddess had made appointments for both of us to have a facial and a massage Saturday morning. Yes, a facial for me. At least half of my face is covered with whiskers, so I wondered just what this would be like. It turned out that since I had that much facial hair, I got a bodial. What�s that? Well, it�s a facial over your entire body. The woman doing my facial/massage was from Portugal, and her English was not very good. I asked if she spoke Spanish, and it turned out that she did a little. I have been reading a newspaper website from Rio de Janeiro in Portuguese every day for 3 years or so, and it came in handy. I spoke to her in Spanish, and she spoke to me in Portuguese. We were able to understand each other quite well. Anyway, she put this green facial mask all over me. Well, not ALL over me, if you know what I mean. Then she wrapped me up in what looked like aluminum foil. After a while, I went into the shower, and washed that off. I came back and she put some kind of other stuff on me and wrapped me up in foil again. Then, I went and showered again. That made my third shower for the morning! Then I got the massage. Both processes were for one hour each, so after two hours I was feeling very relaxed. The same was true for the Goddess, except she really got a facial.

Saturday night was another formal night in the dining room. There was only one �Happy Birthday� this time though. Much better.

Every night the ship had a midnight buffet, but we never stayed up for it. But, Saturday night was no regular midnight buffet. It was the gala buffet. It opened at 11:30 pm for pictures. Yes, pictures. Can you imagine? Pictures of a buffet? This wasn�t your regular all you can eat Chinese buffet like down at the neighborhood shopping center, this was an EVENT! Food was carved and shaped and otherwise manipulated into every kind of thing imaginable. There were fish made out of cucumber slices, bouquets made from carved vegetables. Swans from yellow long-neck squash. And the desserts! Oh, wow! Churches made out of sugar, what looked like trees made from hardened chocolate. This buffet we stayed up for. We ate too, even though we weren�t the least bit hungry. Two desserts were had by all.

Day Eight - Sunday January 25

All Day at Sea

The last day at sea was kind of subdued. Everyone knew that it would be over soon, but no one wanted to talk about it. It was like when someone is terminally ill and everyone knows it, but pretends the patient is going to recover. We started packing early, so we wouldn�t have to have any last minute panic. We got everything packed and went to �The Last Supper.� We were sad to see the food come to an end. It had been really spectacular. We made several photos with out waiters dining companions.

Back in the room we watched the Golden Globes. Oh yeah, we had satellite TV from the US. Funny thing though, when the networks would go to local news, we saw the news and weather from Nashville, TN, Erie, PA, of New York City depending on what network we were watching. Why Nashville? For that matter, why Erie? It�s still a mystery. Now, NYC I understand.

We left our packed bags outside the door of our room. Ship staff collected them during the night.

Each night the cabin steward had fashioned animals out of towels. He would roll them up, fold them, stuff them inside one another, and come up with an animal that he would leave on our bed. We got a lamb, a dog, an elephant, a sting ray, a monkey, and some others I can�t remember.

Day Nine - Monday January 26

Debarkation and Miami to Austin

We woke Monday morning in Miami. There were many announcements on the public address system about being patient with the debarkation. Patient was not a problem for me, I didn�t want to leave anyway. The cruise director suggested for everyone to go to the Lido deck, have some breakfast, and wait over a cup of coffee. Fine by me. I figured we would be one of the later people called to debark, because our flight out of Miami wasn�t until 5:45 that afternoon. We were the second group called. We debarked before 11:00 am. When you debark, you leave the ship and walk down several levels of terminal building to a central place where you claim your baggage. Just because you have claimed your baggage doesn�t make anything easier. Just like at the airport, you have to walk a ridiculously long way wrestling with your luggage, huffing, puffing, cussing. We rounded a post and were heading toward the customs officers. As we struggled along, the strap I had over my shoulder to a bag began to slip. It had fallen all the way off and was even more difficult to handle. I stopped to get a new and better grip, when some Carnival employee quickly runs over and tell me, �You can�t stop here! If you want to stop you have to go back over there!� She pointed back to where we had started our luggage wrestling match. Now, this brought about a moment for me! I was innocently trying to get a grip on my bag. There was no need for all that shouting. So, I lost my grip on my patience. I shouted back, �Well, I AM STOPPING!� Then I grabbed my luggage and struggled on to the customs officer. He gave our declaration form a cursory look and waved us on. Next, we huffed and puffed up to a woman who was directing people to the correct bus.

She told us to go to the fourth one for the Miami airport. If we had been able to pick up our bags in baggage claim, and walk straight ahead, we would have been even with the bus we wanted. But, no. We had to weave around in the terminal, dragging, dropping, losing, cussing, etc. We boarded the bus, and waited for the driver to get all the bags loaded. A while later we left for the airport. We arrived at the airport in an area that we could check the bags all the way to Austin. We did, and headed into the airport. Once inside we began our long wait. It was before noon and we weren�t leaving until 5:45.

The Goddess lay down in the floor of gate 16 and went to sleep using a carry-on bag for a pillow. She�s never done that before!

Right across the concourse there was a KLM flight leaving that afternoon for Amsterdam. Oh how I wished we could get on that plane!

Finally, our time came to board our flight, but not until after we had eaten a Whopper and fries at Burger King. What a contrast to the gala buffet! So sad. As we were taxiing to the gate the pilot announced that we would be going to a gate in the new E concourse. He announced it like that was something good. It wasn�t. Our connecting flight for Austin was in concourse C. Again, they let us off the plane as far as we could be from our next gate. Okay, it wasn�t as far as could be, because there were gates farther away, but no many! We arrived in Houston on time, and had about 30 minutes to wait for our flight to Austin. On our long walk to the C concourse, we had to stop and buy a cap for Zach to commemorate the upcoming Super Bowl. As we approached our gate, I saw a tall skinny guy dressed kind of funny walking toward me. He had on a long scarf, and a heavy dark blue wool coat with gold embroidery on it. He was looking down, and seemed to be hiding his face. He had good reason to. It was Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I turned to the Goddess, and said, �That�s Steven Tyler.� �Who?� she asked. �Steven Tyler...Liv Tyler�s father.� She shook her head like that wasn�t registering. �Aerosmith, you know, Steven Tyler!� �Where?� she asked. By the time all that had happened he was 50 yards down the concourse and barely visible. �There, in the weird looking coat.� �Oh.� She was pretty unimpressed. Now, if it had been Toby Keith...

Boarding the flight with us was Marcia Ball, another singer only this one isn�t as famous. We boarded on time, and then began taxiing on a ride that seemed to take forever. I think we must have driven half way to Austin. We wound up taking off about 30 minutes late. The plane pulled up to the gate in Austin at the very fucking end of the concourse. Once again, as far away as could be. Only this time the Austin terminal was completely deserted. We were the only people in the terminal, except for some housekeeping staff. Now, I ask you, was that really necessary? Couldn�t we have pulled into gate 1? It�s not a Continental gate you might answer. Well, what does it matter, the terminal�s DESERTED! So, it ended just as it began - with a �moment.�

More Travelog

Monday night was our first formal dinner. Our cruise was for 8 days so we had two formal nights. I wore a suit, and the Goddess wore an silver evening gown with a little piss ant silver purse that would hold little more than her �Sail and Sign� card which is the size of a credit card. This was the night that they honored birthdays and anniversaries. We were honored for our wedding anniversary. The waiters (none of them native English speakers) sang �Happy Birthday� or �Happy Anniversary� as appropriate at each table with a celebrant. These guys weren�t singers, mind you, so the songs were quite funny. Imagine a mix of foreign accents singing �Happy Birthday� off key about 10 different times!

The show for Monday night was a Las Vegas style show. I asked our dining companions what a Las Vegas show was, and they answered that it was young women dancing with very few clothes on. When I asked if there would be pole dancing, they said they didn�t think so. They were right. The performers for the shows were excellent. I was very impressed.

Day Three - Tuesday January 20

All Day at Sea

Tuesday was another day at sea. Now, get this, they had a morning seminar on shopping led by the Cruise Director. �What,� I asked, �a seminar on shopping?� The Goddess sure didn�t (and doesn�t) need a seminar on how to shop, but there she was, attending one anyway. Yes, the Cruise Director visits merchants in the ports and arranges special deals with certain shops for his travelers. He puts on a PowerPoint presentation telling which shop offers the free bracelet for just coming in, and which one has a special on Tanzanite earrings. Tanzanite? Yes, that�s a new and scarce indigo, blue, purple gemstone from Tanzania. �But, isn�t Tanzania in East Africa?� you might ask. �And weren�t you in the Caribbean?� Well, yes to both questions, but somehow Tanzanite is a hot item for sale on the island of Sint Maarten/Saint Martin. You could probably find it for sale on other islands too without putting forth very much effort, it turns out that Sint Maarten is the shopping capital of the Caribbean. Everything there is duty free, at least on the Dutch side. The Dutch used to be the only world superpower a few centuries ago, and they did it by buying and selling anything to everyone. That tradition remains alive and well on Sint Maarten. Things weren�t looking good for my bank account, because the Goddess was really energized by the seminar.

We sailed along the coast of the Dominican Republic and later Puerto Rico. The show Tuesday night was a comedian named Eddie Capone who flew to the ship to join us. At least he said he flew to the ship, but I sure didn�t see any landing strip on board. He was very good.

All in all, a very smooth day.

Day Four - Wednesday January 21

Sint Maarten/Saint Martin

We woke up to the ship sitting still in a harbor. On inspection we realized we were anchored in the harbor of the island of Saint Martin. This little island is about 37 square miles, but is divided between two countries. There is a Dutch side (16 sq mi) and a French side (21 sq mi). We were anchored on the Dutch side at the port town of Philipsburg. We had signed up for an island tour so we went ashore, and got on the tour bus. Our driver was from the Dutch side, and he told us that the girls on the Dutch were friendly, and the girls on the French side were grouchy. But, he said he preferred to go to the disco on the French side, because even though the French girls were grouchy, they could shake it better than the Dutch girls. He explained how to call from one side of the island to the other is an international call. So, it�s actually cheaper just to drive (or walk) to the place you want to talk to. He drove us around the island to Marigot on the French side. We spent an hour there shopping. The French side had an open air market, the Dutch side had well tended shops with Tiffany�s as one of them. The French side has a casino that anyone can gamble in. The Dutch side has a casino too, but the locals can only go there once a month. Otherwise, they get in trouble with the authorities. Of course, visitors are free to go to the casino as much as they want. I told you there was something mercantile about those Dutch folks! We bought things on both sides. The French side was shirts and crafts, the Dutch side was a camera, Tanzanite earrings, and T-shirts. What does that tell ya? The Goddess picked up her free bracelet, of course.

Our bus driver told us the local legend about how the island was divided between the two countries. They put a Dutchman and a Frenchman back-to-back on the beach, and had them start walking around the island. The amount of land they covered would be claimed for their country. The Frenchman was a hardy soul, and he took off walking in a purposeful manner. The Dutchman started walking, but after a little way he got hot and decided to sit down and have a beer. He continued after a short nap, but later began drinking gin. It turned out the the Frenchman covered 21 sq miles, and the Dutchman only 16. But, the Dutchman said that it wasn�t quantity but quality that mattered. He had claimed all the salt mines, the sugar cane, and the indigo fields. Maybe, there really was a method to his madness.

We set sail for Barbados at 4:00 pm.

On Board the Spirit

We stepped on board the Spirit and were transported to another world. It�s not an overstatement to say we were in the lap of luxury. The interior of the ship looked like a luxury hotel. There was an atrium with glass elevators, real art on the stairways, and beautiful views of the ocean. I often am able to find the darkness in light, but I must say, this ship was beautiful. It had ten decks for the customers, and another 2 or 3 decks for the crew. We went to dinner in a beautiful dining room called the Empire Room. It was quite elegant. Our table was on the first floor of the dining room and was number 114. We sat with two other couples at table 114 for dinner each night of the cruise, one from Virginia, and one from Wisconsin. The couple from Virginia, Norm and Elaine, were actually transplants from New York, and they had the accents to prove it too. The couple from Wisconsin, Bill and Gail, were not transplants, and they had the Wisconsin accent to prove that. No doubt they said the same about us. Our waiters were Isabel (a man) and Nick. Isabel was from Honduras, and Nick was from Italy. They were great! And a lot of fun. The first night our bar waitress came by and asked me and Norm if we wanted something from the bar. Both of us answered no. She went to the next table when Bill started yelling across the room �Ma�am, ma�am, I want a beer.� Yes, he was yelling. She came back, apologized, and took his order. That was the last time I saw Bill without his trusty Coors Light until the last morning of the cruise when the bar was closed. Also the first night on board the crew had a welcome aboard show in the Pharoah�s Room which is a theater with two levels of balconies. A theater on a ship? Who woulda thought it? Well, not me anyway. We didn�t go to the show the first night, because of the trying day we�d had up to that point. We went to sleep early, and slept surprisingly well.

Day Two - Monday January 19

All Day at Sea

Monday morning we awoke to a view of some land off the starbord side of the ship. I turned on the TV in our room, and found that one of the channels was actually a kind of tracking system that showed exactly where the ship was on a map. I learned that the land I could see was Cuba. I have wanted to visit Cuba since I started learning Spanish from Cuban exiles back in 1961, but never have. Here I was in a ship within sight of Cuba�s shore. At least, I�ve seen it now. We spent all day sailing alongside Cuba, heading toward the island of Hispaniola shared by Haiti and the Dominican Republic.

The Goddess also had something to excite her. There was a section of the ship on deck 3 called Fashion Boulevard where she spent considerable time, and money. In fact, deck 3 turned out to be her favorite. She has the final statement from our �Sail and Sign� card to prove it.

Monday morning after breakfast, I spent some time by the swimming pool on the Lido Deck. There were 3 swimming pools on the Spirit, one for kids, one for adults, and one for both. I was sitting at a table by the swimming pool for both. It�s not often that one can claim to have had an epiphany, because they are so strikingly and unexpectedly true. I think I had an epiphany even if it wasn�t the first time I had had inklings in this direction. Put simply - human beings look absolutely ludicrous! Consider all the other fauna on the planet; you can easily see how their bodies agree in some fundamental way with what they do. Humans? Puh-leeze! We have these big heads that totter on a top-heavy body with what looks to be spindly legs for support. Think about it! Most of our weight is from the waist up. You could say the same is true for dogs, but at least the dog has four legs on the ground! I�ve heard it said that human walking is just a form of controlled falling, we just keep putting one leg out to break the fall. Just try looking around a cruise ship and you�ll see what I mean. Okay, it might be that the specimens on a cruise ship are somewhat defective, but I�ve never seen a less graceful more physically inept group anywhere! The people in the cruise line business say that the people who take cruises are �the newly wed, the overfed, and the almost dead.� I�m here to tell ya, ya can say that again! Maybe is was just our cruise, but there was a definite lack of the newly wed - leaving...well you know who�s left. I would wager that there weren�t more than 4 passengers on the whole ship that could have climbed the stairs from deck one to deck 10. That�s why there were at least 11 elevators for us to use! They only had one ship�s physician, for God�s sake, it would be plain unsafe for most of us to walk more than one floor at a time!

Day One - Sunday January 18

Austin to Miami

We had reservations on Continental Airlines for a flight from Austin-Bergstrom International Airport (ABIA) to Houston-Bush Intercontinental Airport (IAH) leaving around 8:15 am. In this post-9/11 world all the airlines recommend that passengers arrive at least 2 hours before departure. We did. In fact, we had to get up at 5:00 am just to have the 2 hour cushion. On entering the terminal we discover we are the only passengers on Continental to arrive the recommended 2 hours early. It turned out to be good that we did, because the airline had a seat reservation for the Goddess, but no ticket. The Goddess�s real name is Rebecca Jean Brooks which is what her passport shows, of course. However, she has always gone by Jean, so her reservation was originally made in the name of Jean Brooks. Her passport doesn�t support that, so we paid an extra $50 to get the name changed (don�t ask why, I don�t know) to Rebecca on the ticket. Well, somehow the change got muddled and her (Rebecca�s or Jean�s) ticket was canceled. That made for the very unusual fact that she had a reservation but no ticket. We wound up having to buy another round trip ticket for Rebecca.

Ah, but it was only a small setback, so we had a few minutes of slight anxiety, but nothing insurmountable. The flight to IAH was uneventful. The terminal at Houston was much more crowded, including SUV versions of golf carts driving up and down the concourse. Imagine being one of those drivers. You drive people around the airport all day while yelling, �Excuse the cart, please...excuse the cart, please.� One minimalist driver just says, �Cart!...Cart!...Cart!� Wow, what a job!

Is it just me, or does anyone else always have a connecting flight at a gate that is at least 3/4 to 1 mile from the gate you arrived at? Same airline, same terminal, just a different concourse. You arrive at C12, and you have to walk to D87. What�s up with that? The terminal can even be deserted and they�ll let you off at gate B117 at the very end of the concourse, the absolutely farthest point from baggage claim. The people that run the gift shops must have paid off the airlines. They make everyone walk past at least 5 gift shops per plane change.

We boarded our flight for Miami and found our seats next to a woman talking on her cell phone. She was reeking of alcohol, and drinking more. She told the person on the phone that she started drinking around 9:00 am today, then she questioned, �Is that bad?� Hmmm...The drunk lady talks to the Goddess (thank God I was sitting by the aisle) incessantly. Every time the Goddess would think the drunk was through talking and would return to reading her book, the drunk would start talking again. Finally, the captain turned off the fasten seat belt sign and the drunk got up to go to the lavatory. She never came back. She was later observed seated in the last row of the plane, drinking another drink, and talking some poor fucker�s ear off. Better him than us.

Miami International Airport (MIA)

The airport code for Miami is MIA which of course also stands for �missing in action.� Let me tell ya, it�s not just a coincidence. We deplaned in Miami, and upon leaving the jet way, we approached a man holding a Carnival Cruise sign. He was giving directions to arriving passengers, so we approached him. He directed us (unlike quite a few other people) to another Carnival employee about 50 yards down the concourse. The second employee was a man with a heavy Chinese accent. The Goddess approached him and told him (in her Texas accented English) we had just arrived on a Continental flight, and were going to sail on the Carnival Spirit. The man asked, �You say-oo too-day?� �Yes,� she answered, �Carnival Spirit.� �You say-oo too-day?� he asked again. �Yes.� �Nuhmbah thuhteen,� he said as he wrote #13 on our ground transfer. We proceeded to baggage carousel number 13, along with several others from our flight. Oddly though, the sign at #13 just showed an Air Canada flight. We waited, and waited. No luggage. Then, everyone was pretty much gone, and we had no bags. Finally, we approached someone else with Carnival who told us that Continental was always on carousel number 8. Newly heartened, we quickly took off for #8. Once there, we found it deserted. Now, we�re getting really pissed. We approach a security man, who was quite unaccustomed to being asked questions, but he did endeavor to help us. He told us to check carousel #9. Well, it was just as empty as #8. Just when the Goddess is about to go off on somebody, a woman starts yelling that our bags are in the Continental unclaimed luggage office. �We�ve been looking for you, where have you been?� the lady asked. It was really a rhetorical question, because they weren�t the least interested in the Goddess�s answer. We collected our bags, and began following a woman with a Carnival Spirit sign out the door of the terminal.

Now, the Goddess has never been one to pack light, and to make matters worse, she had not packed light in one of those oversized suitcases. So, the bags were very heavy, but they had wheels on the bottom to make the wrestling easier. Well, have you ever noticed how those fucking wheels don�t fucking work? They jam, they go straight when you want to turn, and they turn when you want to go straight. Neither of us would be a poster boy or girl for physical fitness, so we were both huffing and puffing along. The Goddess�s suitcase kept turning over every 5 or 6 feet, so she started to really fume. She was cussing and sweating and sweating and cussing. I was feeling much the same, but was trying to stoically endure, knowing that �this too shall pass.� It was just that the passing was taking way too long! We finally arrived at the stop for our bus, but no bus was there. Not to worry, one arrived within minutes. We boarded the bus and occupied the last two seats on the right side. The Goddess was not ready to relax until she personally witnessed the driver put our bags on the bus. He finally did, and we took off for the port. The Goddess was talking about how �so far, I�m not impressed with Carnival,� when I stopped her, because I was afraid that she was going to start attracting malevolent spirits that would ruin the whole cruise. I must have acted in time, because things started going for the better.

Rush Limbaugh's Birthday

Pill popper, under indictment, victim of a runaway District Attorney.
So, why doesn't he follow the advice of Job's wife, "curse the day you were born and die"? It would make it easier on all of us.

Got Milk?

Committee of Nursing Mother Collective Announces Glorious New Revolutionary Program
January 9, 2004 Juche 93
By HON G. RHEE

PYONGYANG, North Korea (KCNA) � The Central Committee of the Nursing Mothers Juche Collective firmly declared on January 9 that Nursing Mothers stand shoulder-to-shoulder in solidarity with the people of the Democratic People�s Republic of Korea (DPRK). Expressing the will of the Korean people exemplified by the revolutionary cause of the Workers� Party of Korea, Chairwoman Tum E Gro Il set forth a new slogan �Got Milk?� Speaking at a solidarity rally in South Phyong-an, Mrs. Gro Il declared the Got Milk? program to be the shining goal that all progressive peoples in the 21st Century harken to.

The program will create the title of Mother of the People to be filled by nursing mothers throughout the Fatherland. Nursing mothers will each be assigned to provide breast milk to every resident of one of the workers� housing collectives. Mrs. Gro Il announced the publication of People�s Educational Manual No. 2-2004 which instructs nursing mothers on the techniques for breast feeding adults. Mrs. Gro Il set forth a second slogan �Let us pave a wide avenue for the Mothers of the People as they give life to the Juche Idea of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung by providing their milk without fear of the teeth of adults!�

In a statement of solidarity with the Central Committee of the Nursing Mothers Juche Collective, Chon Do Hong of the Peoples� Bureau of Revolutionary Agriculture proclaimed at the same rally that the daily ration of grass and roots for Mothers of the People would be increased to 25% more than the standard. He joined with Chairwoman Gro Il in hailing the heroic acts of socialist progress of the Mothers of the People. Mr. Hong called on all workers in the DPRK act with equal heroism and pull all remaining teeth from the eye teeth forward. Mr. Hong was widely applauded as he had his one remaining front tooth extracted
while standing at the podium.

The rally was attended by senior officials of the local Party, and power organs and working people's organizations, people from all walks of life and youth and students.

Happy New Year!

A new year has been born. May it be better than the last. Let's see: Lies to Congress, SARS, Columbia Explodes over Texas, War on False Pretenses, Alienating Allies, Unacknowledged Guerrilla War, Leaking CIA Agent's name for Retaliation, War Profits thru No Competitive Bidding, Fires in California, Earthquake in California, Mad Cow U.S.A. Hmm...shouldn't be hard to be better than that!

The Year Is Dying

Requiem Dos Mil Tres. Lots of stuff happened this year. Mostly pretty good stuff happened to me. Although, I don't think I'm the rule, I'm probably the exception.

Another year, another war. Who's it gonna be this year? Odds are 2 to 1 for war with Syria. 3 to 1 with Saudi Arabia. 3 to 1 with Pakistan. 3 to 1 with Iran. 7 to 1 with N. Korea.

Texas Is A Right to Work State

I wonder if this is what they meant? You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. - Bhagavad Gita

He Forgot?!

Police in Miami arrested a man today who was passing thru a metal detector at the airport. He was asked to remove his shoes, wherein a knife and an icepick were discovered. He said that he forgot about having them in his shoes. My feet are much more sensitive than that!

Yes, They're Paying For It

Australian sperm banks are advertising for donors. They will pay for a round trip ticket and two weeks accomodations.

Break On Through

The Doors are back! Will the new singer get drunk and piss on the crowd too? I can't wait!

Hasidic Saying

�God is not nice, and God is not an uncle. God is an earthquake.�

Ryan Patrick Owen Jason Kelly

I am now a grandpa! Ryan was born 11-28-03 at 11:07 pm in Austin, Texas. He's got a heavy load to carry with all those names, but I'll help him out.

How Do I Sign Up?

A doctor specializing in pain management has developed the much sought after orgasmatron. But, he's having trouble getting volunteers to test the device. Huh?

Hey, Watch That Old Woman Over There!

An American Airlines jetliner had to be escorted back to Miami by two USAF fighter jets shortly after taking off due to an unruly female senior citizen. C'mon, you can't control an old woman? Buh-bye.

Hey, Tampax, What Do You Want to Drink?

According to a survey Americans are naming their children after brand names. There are several 3 year-olds named Chevy, Delmonte, Infiniti, Celica, and more. There are even two kids named ESPN!

God Help Us

I found this prayer on progressivetheology.org.

From the cowardice that dare not face new truth,
From the laziness that is contented with half truth,
From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver us.

Kenyan prayer

Jessica Lynch Topless!

Larry Flynt has purchased a photo of Jessica Lynch topless on a beach prior to the Iraq War. To quote the President, "Bring 'em on!"

Uh,...I Think I Get It

That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history. - Aldous Huxley

Si Se Cabe el Zapato

�Rencor? �Yo? As� se explican mis problemas.

Doctor, My Eyes

The past two days have been hard on my poor eyes. They're not so good in the first place, and what I've been doing hasn't helped. No, it's not jacking off! I've been going over a translation of the unemployment information booklet. So, I've been staring at the computer screen trying to decide if we should have two spaces after a period or not. It turns out not. We have something like 31 pages of text to get mashed into 28 pages. I've been changing line spacing, font size of line breaks, putting things together so that I can take them apart again. The ironic thing about it all is that no one is going to read it! People never read their little booklet. Hmm...I wonder if I could get away with...

300 Illegal Workers Arrested at Wal-Marts

So, what's this shit about being so concerned about America and American products? Maybe, that's just a marketing strategy.

All Your Base...

Are belong to us.

Free Fall, Expensive Landing + 2

Yesterday and today mark the dates 2 years ago that I had my most unfortunate incident, and the surgery to repair it, respectively. It was two years ago yesterday that I accomplished my first (and last) skydive, resulting in two broken bones in my right leg. I broke the tibia and the fibula which the orthopedic surgeons quaintly refer to as a �tib-fib.�

On October 14, 2001 (a beautiful fall day without a cloud in the sky) I did a tandem jump from 12,000 feet. A tandem jump is where you are strapped, buckled, tied and everywhich way connected to an experienced jumper who does all the work. The guy I was attached to weighed about 250 lbs. Our weights together would easily exceed 425 lbs. Let me just say that it�s mighty hard to stop 425 lbs. of mass traveling at a velocity of 1 meter per second with one spindly leg contacting the earth at a most inopportune time. The results (should you ever want to try it) are that your foot will turn in ways you could never imagine, and you will get to take a ride in an ambulance. Lying in a field near a bed of ants, being unable to move very much in a completely ridiculous Evil Knieval-looking skydiving suit with a group of 6-8 onlookers asking questions like what is your driver�s license number while having to pee really bad and waiting on the ambulance to arrive are what you get without any extra charge.

On October 15, 2001 I had surgery to repair the break. I had a long thin piece of metal installed in my leg with eleven screws (one of them really more the size of a bolt) that secure it to the tibia, and keep the tibia in the proper place. The surgeon seemed completely unconcerned about the broken fibula, and indicated that it would take care of itself (makes you wonder just what it�s for). I got to use a walker (practice for my old age) for a couple of months, and a cane for another four months. But, the best part is that I had a handicapped parking pass. The handicapped parking spaces aren�t all they�re cracked up to be though. Many of them are not at all close to the front door of an establishment, and many times they are occupied (sometimes with cars that do not have a f__king handicapped pass)!

Even now, two years later, I still have aches and pains from those two lovely days in October. Blessed are the skydivers, for they shall touch the earth.

He Was Just Trying to Shake Hands

A man in Berlin must appear in court Thursday, because he taught his German shephard to do the Heil Hitler salute. On top of that, the dog's name is Adolf!