Let's See That Lingerie

Sony has withdrawn their application for trademark and patent of the phraseshock and awe. Now, it's up to the other applicants to see who gets to use it. I'm pulling for the lingerie line that applied. I really want to see what they have in mind.

Bull Horns

Yesterday while driving home I witnessed something that I suppose you could only see in Texas. You know how when you are at a red light waiting to turn right? Well, it never fails that someone in one of those over-sized pick-ups pulls up in the lane next to you, far enough out to block your view of the traffic. That always pisses me off, but yesterday, I got a double dose. The first huge pick-up with the oversized wheels pulls up to my left and blocks my view. So, I inch up a little to see the traffic, and I notice that this truck has a wench on the front for pulling other over-sized trucks out of the mud. That makes the front of it stick out even farther. Just as I pull up so I can see traffic, another huge over-sized truck pulls up to the left of the first one. Of course, it pulled up a little further. There's something unconscious about blocking the person's view that's trying to turn right. This second truck has, yes I'm not kidding, a set of horns on the front. Not horns like honking, horns like from a bull! That's the kind of things you might see on a postcard, but in real life? Well, I guess they have to base those postcards on something! Horns on the front of an over-sized pick-up truck. What the hell does that mean? I guess it means you're in Texas.

Remember the Crowd at the Saddam Statue?

Well, it wasn't really that big after all. What else has been fabricated?

Shock and Awe?

Forget the Sony application, I want the one for the lingerie! What's that one like?

Can He Appeal for Reason of Inadequate Defense?

Yesterday, I served (endured) Jury Duty. I was called to a Justice of the Peace court to be a part of a jury panel. My great misfortune is that I was selected to be one of the 6 member jury that actually heard the case. The case was a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the truancy of a minor. The father of a 4th grader was charged because he had allowed his daughter to miss school repeatedly. He was one of these fundamentalist Christians that doesn't believe the schools are fit for his children. That's really no problem, because he has the choice of putting them in private schools or doing what's called home schooling. Of course, he didn't want to do that either. He wanted to be able to dictate to the school system what and how it would teach. He represented himself. There's an old saying that goes: "A man who represents himself in court has a fool for a lawyer." This guy certainly met that description. The jury endured around 7 hours of this guy repeating the same shit over and over. He successfully insulted everyone in the court room (including the jury) more than once. We found him guilty and fined him $250. If we had been able to put him in jail, I would have voted for that. In fact, I wanted to "max him out," ($500 fine) but the rest of the jury decided on fining him half of the max. Too bad! Anyway, yesterday's experience makes me wonder what the penalty would be for not reporting to jury duty. I really don't think it could be any worse.

If It Had Said, "Kill 'Em All," You Could Come In

Another one of those nasty T-shirts for peace shows up at the mall! Peace be upon you.

She Was Playing Both Sides Twice

Retired FBI agent, James Smith, has been charged with having an affair with a double agent for the People's Republic of China. Now, this gets complicated...but I guess all double agent stories are complicated. Okay, she was working for the FBI spying on China while she was spying on the US for China. Her "cover" was that she was a Republican Party activist. Her lover, Mr. Smith, worked in the office that investigated allegations of suspicious campaign contributions to the Clinton White House from China. She was working for the FBI, the Chinese, the Republicans, and investigating the Democrats. Wow!

Don't Mess with This Jewish Mother

In Jerusalem a 49 year old woman killed her 26 year old son for not putting his computer game up and making up his bed. She asked him to do that and returning to his room saw him lying on his bed without having done it. She asked him why he hadn't dont anything, and he chewed her out. She went to the kitchen, got a knife, came back, and stabbed him to death.

Generalisimo Francisco Franco Sigue con Vida

Many years ago Saturday Night Live had a running joke about Francisco Franco staying alive for years after he really died. It was because the Franco government kept announcing that Franco was sick, but still alive. I think we're running into the same thing with Saddam. We keep killing him, and he keeps turning up alive!

Of Course It Has Industrial Uses

The town of Novozybkovo has been ridiculed for putting a cannabis emblem on its town flag. The government has ordered all towns to adopt a flag. Let's see, if we had to do that in Austin, it would be a young man in sloppy clothes lying on the grass with a backpack for a pillow.

Get Back to Work!

Okay, okay, vacation is over, but does that mean I have start working right away? I opened my email this morning and had 147 emails waiting for me. Out of those I answered two, I think. Getting that many emails might make one think he's important, but only answering two puts the lie to that! By the way, both of those I answered were personal. Like I've said before: They pretend to pay us, and we pretend to work.

Texarkana In The Spotlight

Texarkana is hosting the National Narcotic Detector Dog Association conference for 2003. I learned this not from the local news, but from a website in Spain. Texarkana on the world stage!

Texas Fight, Texas Fight...

It turns out that the woman in charge of Saddam's chemical and biological weapons program, Houda Salih Mahdi Ammash, attended the University of Texas back in the '70s. US General Tommy Franks, who is in charge of the whole Operation Iraqi Freedom, is also a UT graduate. We're No. 1!

Americans Are from Mars, Europeans Are from Venus

Americans are like adolescents infatuated with their power and unilateral, while Europeans are more subtle, indirect, and multilateral. At least that's the way Robert Kagan sees it. Interesting way to look at the latest dispute. W as the hyperactive, prideful teenager, and Chirac as the smarter more nuanced adult. Let's bring in a marriage counselor!

Just Who's In Charge Here?

Who wrote this play in which we have to laugh, cry, and exit according to the script? No
god can write it, nor can Buddha. Only your own mind can write it.

-Jae Woong, "Polishing the Diamond"

They Got the Idea from Geraldo

It has come to light that the government owned radio station in Swaziland has been airing reports from a special "envoy" named, Phesheya Dube, in Iraq. The on air personalities have been admonishing him to stay safe and out of the way of bombs. Only one problem, there is no Swazi correspondent in Iraq. It's all theater! Makes ya wonder about ours, huh? Maybe all those fuzzy looking pictures on the videophone are really coming from the desert in New Mexico.

Vacation Time

Since I work for the government, I earn lots of vacation time. It's supposed to make up for the low salaries they pay us. Anyway, I'm taking this week off from work. After I do that, I'll only have 5 1/2 weeks of vacation left available. Since, I'll be off, I'll have lots of free time, so I should be posting a lot. No money to go on trips, but a whole lot of time!

I Want My MTV (Sanitized)
Believe it or not, MTV is imposing self-censorship. That's a little hypocritical in my book. Why, all of a sudden, is it important to "clean up" what viewers can see? After all, they're only censoring anything related to war or protests against it. I think if we could see some of the blood and guts, we might not be so gung ho about it.

I Feel Better Already

At last I can exhale! NFL Europe is going ahead with its season in spite of the War on Iraq.

Otherwise Occupied

Well, the past few days I've been very occupied with the war. Of course, not that I'm going to be able to affect it. Anyway, I'll be trying to make posts a little more regularly. Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar!

Pneumonia Psychosis

What may be worse that the actual SARS disease is the
fear that the disease is causing. At the Prince of Wales hospital in Hong Kong everyone is wearing protective masks, and "people are paralyzed with fear." In Singapore thousands of masks have been sold in the last three days. If the cruise missle and the suicide bomber don't getcha the paramyxovirus will.

We Are Rolling

As of about 5 minutes ago we are flying over Iraq with bombers. The Hard Rain's Begun To Fall.
Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar!

Remnant Who Will Return

David Mitchell aka Emmanuel has told his lawyer that he considers Elizabeth Smart his wife, and he wants to rename her Remnant Who Will Return. Great name, but where did he get it? From God?

Busybody Mother-in-Law Official Reason for Divorce

The Italian Supreme Court has affirmed a lower court's decision that an interfering mother-in-law is sufficient reason for awarding a divorce.

Talking Fish Warns of the Apocalypse

A Hasidic Jew in New York who is a fish seller has encountered a fish that speaks Hebrew and has warned of the
end of the world. You never know when you are uhm...walk...talking to the Messiah.

St. Patrick's Day Haircut

Well, not really, but I did cut my hair and it is St. Patrick's Day. Actually, it's my summer haircut. Summer, you say? Yeah, in a matter of a week or two, it's gonna be so fuckin' hot around here you'd think it's summer. Texas has 9 months of summer, 2 1/2 months of winter, and one week each of spring and fall. Spring's over!

Love Is Not Enough

Ironically, the same newspaper is reporting that British women who place personal ads for men are mainly looking for a rich man. I guess if he can afford the Viagra, he has enough money to get to use it! One interesting fact is that women describe the kind of man they are want. Men, on the other hand, describe themselves and not the kind of woman they want. The psychologist that did the study says it "this is Darwinism of personal ads."

Once Per Week Is Not Enough

A British medical journal is reporting that Brit men can get Viagra but under the National Health Service that can only have one blue pill per week. The "patients" feel that the Service should be more generous. I wonder what their wives think. Has anyone asked them?

ET Day

A Republican from New Mexico, the Roswell area exactly, has proposed an Extraterrestrial Culture Day for his state. He says such a day would "improve relations among citizens of the entire universe - known and
unknown." No harm in that, right? May all actions of the various legislatures be as harmless! Namaste!

Texas Pride

We are Number One! Texas has put more people to death than any other state, and probably any other country. It's hard to be humble when you're in the Top Spot! We don't care how irregular the justice is, we're just proud of the punishment.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

The following definition comes from a web page on the "Resurgence" website. "HAPPINESS IS BUT a fleeting, abnormal state that results from satiation of our animal, instinctual selves whether by eating, sex, companionship or self-preservation." Say what?

MIG-21 for Sale on Ebay

A Russian MIG-21 is up for sale on Ebay with the high bid so far at $14,900. The plane was previously from Poland, but is being offered by a citizen of the
Netherlands. You have until Sunday March 16 to get in your bid. Where would you park something like that?

Gay Divorce in Texas

No, it's not a typo. A gay couple, who were married in Vermont where gay marriage is recognized and legal, divorced last week in Beaumont, Texas. Texas? Homophobic Texas? Well, I guess it makes sense after all, because Texas would agree that two gay men shouldn't be married, so why not grant them a divorce? Sorta funny logic, though.

Rogue Steaks

The Steak Department of the United States of America
March 9, 2003

Press release
Media type: all
Release: immediate

The United States of America Department of Steak today announces its annual list of rogue steaks, all of which take part in steak-sponsored terrorism. Inclusion on this list signifies that the United States of America deems listees to be what is commonly referred to as �outlaw steaks.� Steak-sponsored terrorism encompasses those entities that offer aid and support to organizations that seek to strike terror into the hearts of beef eaters all over the world. It can be stated without fear of contradiction that eaters of beef wish only for the peace and stability necessary for the proper consumption of steaks. So called outlaw steaks seek through the use of overcooked meat, parasite contaminated meat, and a host of other evil means at their disposal to coerce the average beef eater into giving up a well-deserved steak for the less tasty and less nutritious products of chicken or fish. Some even go so far as to promote vegetarianism, even though vegetarianism has been completely discredited since the fall of the Berlin Wall.

The purpose of this list is to make world opinion aware of the entities responsible for such evil, and to declare said entities ineligible for any aid, assistance, or other form of succor from the United States of America, its governmental subdivisions, or its individual citizens. Entities are listed below in alphabetical order.

Bhutan
Botswana
Buddhists
Cameroon
FPLGB (Frente Popular para la Liberaci�n del Ganado Bovino)
Haiti
Iran*
Iraq*
Mali
North Korea*
PETA
Poor People
Rwanda
Syria
Vegans United

* - indicates members of rogue steaks and axis of evil.

Flying Buffalo Wings?

Hooters, yes that Hooters, is going into the airline business. Hooters Air will be flying from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach, SC four times a week. The flights will have regular flight attendants in addition to "Hooters Girls" in snug T-shirts and orange short-shorts. Myrtle Beach never has been one of my top places to go. Too bad.

The Way Things Are Goin' They're Gonna Crucify Me

A woman in New Zealand has written to George Bush asking him to crucify her on television. She wants to demonstrate to him how much suffering and pain he would cause the Iraqi people by attacking. Better yet, why not put Bush on the cross?

He Died Like a Rat

A new study of historical records seems to confirm a theory that Josef Stalin was assassinated by this own collegues. Evidently, Lavrenti Beria, head of the Secret Police, and Nikita Kruschev, who succeeded Stalin, fed the Man of Steel warfarin which is a rat poison that causes strokes and hemorrhages. Stalin died of a brain hemorrhage. They were afraid he was going to start another purge against the Jews, and they thought he was ready to start a nuclear war with the US. God bless Beria! God bless Kruschev!

I Have Been Ex-Communicated, I Hope!

The website that was collecting names for voluntary ex-communication has turned in the list to the Vatican. The list has 26,000 names, and one of those names is mine. I wonder if I'll get a letter from the Pope telling me that I've been kicked out. I hope so! That would make a good heirloom.

Stalin's Grandson Requests US Citizenship

Josef Stalin's grandson, Vissari�n Dzhugashvili, has submitted an application for US citizenship. I�m not sure he can do that. I mean with him being a Communist and all!

Fat Tuesday

This link will take to to a web page to view some of Carnaval in Brazil. I'd love to go see it in person

Stupidity Is Hereditary!

According to one of the two scientists that discovered DNA,
stupidity is a genetic illness. James Watson says, "If you are really stupid, I would call that an illness." He says that if you have a low IQ and don't have a diagnosed mental illness, then you suffer from a hereditary disorder that is pass on by way of the genes, like cystic fibrosis or hemophilia. So, just how would someone who's already an adult treat this "disorder?"

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

The KKK is seeking a permit to hold a protest at the Masters this year. They want to demonstrate in favor of the Augusta National Golf Club's right to restrict membership to whoever they choose. If that turns out to be men only, well fine! Now, imagine the Club's board of directors meeting. A bunch of old white guys wanting to keep the exclusivity of their men only club, but getting help from a group that doesn't help their image. The Augusta National spokesman tried to distance the club from the KKK, but, hey, that's where it really comes from! Bobby Jones, the founder, was a really great golfer, but was also a good racist.

License Plates for Your Dog

City authorities in Frankfurt, Germany have approved a requirement for dogs to wear large "license plates" with number on them, so that they can identify those that dirty the sidewalks. Owners could be fined up to $161 for not cleaning up after their canine.

The Beautiful Also Have Problems

Poor Denise Richards, an actress who played Christmas Jones in the James Bond film "The World Is Not Enough," feels she has lost out on certain roles in other films, because she is too pretty. She says, "Directors think right away that I can't be a 'normal girl.'" We should all have those problems.

Ex-communication for 14,000 Volunteers

The website for protesting the Catholic Church's ex-communication of anyone involved in the 9 year-old rape victim's abortion has now reached 14,000 persons who say they want to be ex-communicated too! Hey, Pope, I got your ex-communication right here!

He'll Need a Flea Collar and Heartworm Pills

A man in Vidor, Texas has agreed to a plea agreement to sleep in a doghouse for 30 nights. Please be reminded that Vidor is an all-white city that about 10 years ago vociferously fought having an African-American family move into public housing there. It's one of those places that doesn't have a lot of branches on the family tree.

Sign Me Up

In Madrid a group of women has started a campaign to get themselves ex-communicated from the Catholic church. They are protesting the ex-communication of anyone who played a part in the abortion performed on a 9 year-old rape victim in Managua last week. You can sign up at www.redfemenista.org. I guess you would have to Catholic to get ex-communicated in the first place, but I think it would make a neat "badge" to be ex-communicated anyway.

Gimme That Job, or I'll Kill You!

A man at a Labor Ready, Inc. office killed four and wounded another during an agitated argument at the employment office. Maybe they'll hire him to replace the victims.

Snow Day

Actually, it's more of an ice day. There was more rain last night and the temperature never got above freezing, so we're iced in. Unfortunately, the forecast calls for more of the same all day today. Now, I don't mind being off work, but I DO mind being stuck in the house after a day or so.

Hey, That Doesn't Happen Here!

A cold front came though today dropping temperatures as the day went on. Then about the time that I left work, it started raining, then sleeting. Traffic was slowed to a crawl, and I mean a crawl. It took me 3, yes 3, hours to get home. Now, my trip normally takes 45 minutes, but the sleet was coming down so hard that froze the road over while traffic was on it. But, the real point is that we don't have that happen here in Austin. That happens with some regularity in Oklahoma, but not here! We have this kind of thing happen once every 5 to 8 years, and never at afternoon rush hour! Anyway, it's not something we are accustomed to, and we don't plan to ever get accustomed to it either. So, probably we won't be going to work tomorrow. Hmm...well, now that's not so bad after all.

It Doesn't Have to Exist to Quote It

The President quoted an economic report that doesn't exist to justify his tax cut plan. That's ok, belief is more important that reality, always has been, always will be.

We Love The Gov

Now this is what I call creativity! Check out the White House dot org. Oh, my, my, somebody's gonna get mad!

Give Me a Break!

The Nicaraguan bishop who has done several things in the cause for freedom has condemned an abortion that was done yesterday to a 9-year old girl who was raped and became pregnant. Is it God's plan that the girl be raped and give birth? If it is, then it's time for God to be assassinated and replaced with a God who has some compassion!

Was I Born Too Early?

A British program to lower the number of teen pregancies offers several alternatives to sexual intercourse. One suggestion is oral sex. Oh, Dr. Elders, imagine what would happen in the US if someone in the government advocated that!

Is This The Apocalypse?

Maybe the end times are actually here! Instead of a great conflagration a la "goetterdammerung" there will be many relatively small explosions, fires, and the like. Naaaah, not dramatic enough.

We Must Remain Vigilant(e)

Authorities stop man for wearing gas mask while driving. But, did he have on a condom?

�Cu�nto Vale el Orgasmo?

A German couple is suing their travel agency for "damages" they suffered during a trip to Cuba. They say the housekeeper entered their room twice while they were engaged in sexual intercourse and disrupted their well...uh...vacation. They are requesting $4000 in damages. Now, if that had been an American couple, they would have gone for $50,000 at the least!

Instant Aging

Leave it up to the Germans to develop an Instant Aging suit. It "allows" young people the change to feel what it's like to be 70 years old. They say it give youngsters a new sympathy for Grandma. Maybe I need to try one on!

Happy Birthday, Patty

Today is former SLA member Patty Hearst's birthday. She was born in 1954, so that would make her 49 years old. Did her money get her off? No, unless she used it as a dildo, of course.

The Kid's Got Nerve

School officials send a student home for wearing a provocative T-shirt.
I say more power to him! I doubt I would have had the nerve at that age. Hell, I don't have the nerve now!

Now They Tell Me!

Botox causes wrinkles. According to this story, even though it removes wrinkles that were there, it causes new ones in new places. So, what's the answer to combating aging? Maybe it's surrender.

Presidents' Day

Yes, today is a day to honor and remember past presidents. Mostly George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but I think it's ok to remember the others too. Let's remember Millard Fillmore the president that started Fillmore West. Well, okay, maybe he didn't, but can you remember anything else he did? Let's remember Grover Cleveland a preacher's son who had a child out of wedlock. Oh yeah, Kennedy and Clinton weren't the first to sample the citizenry! Let's remember James Garfield who held the office less than four months when he was assassinated. How about the first Gay president who died of a heart attack while sticking it to his lover in the West Wing (if you know what I mean). Well, okay, that one hasn't happened yet (at least that we know of), but it's only a matter of time.

Poor Dolly

Dolly the cloned sheep is dead. Let's all stop for a moment of silence in rememberance. She was the first cloned animal, leading the way for others later. The normal life span for a sheep is 11 to 12 years, Dolly lived for 6. They put her to sleep because she had a serious respiratory disease that caused her much suffering. Poor Dolly. Dolly is dead, long live Dolly!

It's Valen Time

One of the women on my team got a really nice crystal vase (pronounced vahz) with roses and lots of other greenery in it. It looks really expensive. Anyway, it came while we were meeting on a supposedly very important and very overdue project. Everything stopped while they fawned and cooed over it. Tears, congratulations, sweet words. The estrogen was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I'm gonna have to start wearing a bra!

Duck Tape

Here's the answer to my question about the Orange level alert. But, I just can't shake the feeling that this is all (Heathrow, anti-aircraft guns in DC, missils in N Korea that can reach us, Osama bin Laden's latest message) being orchestrated to get us to go along.

Who's on Larry King Tonight?

There are anti-aircraft guns in Washington, DC. Fighters are flying over NYC. Tanks and troops are deployed at Heathrow airport in London. We are on threat level Orange due to suspected bio/chem/radiological attack. Osama bin Laden has released a new statement calling on muslims to suicide bomb America. We are at the brink of war with Iraq. Larry King has Joan Lunden on his show tonight talking about surrogate motherhood. The fucking world is about to go straight to hell, and Larry is talking to Joan about surrogate mothers. No, he's not talking to experts on terrorism, he's not talking to former diplomats, he's talking to Joan Lunden! May God help us all.

Internet Cafe at the Top of the World

There's an Internet cafe at the peak of Mount Everest. I'm waiting for my first junk mail from up there.

No Amnesty

Ok, let me get this straight. The Supreme Court has ruled that no mentally ill prisoner can be executed. There is a prisoner on death row in Arkansas who has become mentally ill while in prison (like that's unusual). Arkansas cannot execute him, but according to a US Federal Appeals Court they CAN force him to take psychiatric meds to make him sane, even though the treatment would lead to his execution. Therefore, they can kill him after all.

What's Next, Interspecies Marriage?

The European Union has legalized homosexual unions. That means all the countries of the EU (including Italy, Spain, Ireland...) will have to recognize gay marriage. What would constitute a gay shotgun marriage?

Those Germans have always been good engineers. They're gonna rename it "Steinhenge."

Hey, Dude you're gettin' a cell.

Do You Want That with Cream Gravy?

Health officials in China have forbidden the use of human breast-milk in dishes served in restaurants there. Evidently, there was enough demand for it that an entrepreneur went out to rural areas and bought breast-milk from nursing mothers to use in preparing some fish dishes. I won't be lamenting the loss!

Oh, puh-leez, Get Over It!

Seek and Ye Shall Find by GPS

I just knew there had to be a civilian use for GPS technology.

White Powdery Substance

There are reports that a white powdery substance was discovered in the US Embassy in Brunei over the weekend. It was closed and evacuated. The same thing happened here a few months ago. It turned out to be White Out.

Why Are We Wasting It on Computer Chips?

Oh my God! There's a critical shortage of silicone in Brazil, because the women and transvestites are rushing to get breast implants before Carnaval starts on March 1. Can we get a quick shipment from the computer chip manufacturers?

Can I Do It Too?

Let's see, if the British government (along with the US government's encouragement) can drag out and plagiarize a post-grad's 12 year old thesis about weapons in Iraq, and claim it is current; why couldn't I pull out my credit card statements from 12 years ago and say they're current too? At least they would be my own!

Colombia Ain't Got No Oil, That's Why

More car bombs go off in Colombia that anywhere else. More random terrorism there than anywhere else. Are we bombing the shit out of the terrorists there? No, they're not sitting on an ocean of oil, for God's sake. Of course, the "War on Drugs" has been going on for 20 to 25 years, and the FARC just seem to get stronger. But, we haven't been dropping "daisy cutters" on them all this time either. I know, let's hire the FARC to go over to Afghanistan and take care of that Osama problem we've got. Just tell 'em that he didn't pay up on a drug shipment, he'd be dead in a week!

I Am Curious Orange

The nation stands at terror warning level Orange. High risk. So, what am I supposed to do? Watch my cul-de-sac a little more attentively than I have been at Yellow? Am I supposed to eye the cashier at the convenience store with more scrutiny (no, he's not Middle-Eastern in appearance), even though he's been working there since before we got the color warnings? When watching TV, am I supposed to be more vigilant about coded messages in the scripts of "Will and Grace?" C'mon, just what am I supposed to do differently in my John Doe life? So far, every John and Jane Doe's report of someone else's suspicious activity has turned out to be imaginations run wild. Should I re-instate the duck and cover drills they had in schools back in the '50s? Help me out here, what do I do?

Intercept

The following is a transcript of an intercepted telephone conversation in January, 2003 between Lieutenant Patrick Flannigan and Corporal Jesus Abel Guerra at the US Detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba.

Lt. Flannigan: Hello, HQ, Flannigan.

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, Guerra speaking, there�s something going on here with one of the prisoners, Sir.

Lt. Flannigan: Yeah, yeah, what�s new?

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, I believe one of them is trying to kill himself, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: So,...whadaya want me to do about it? Just one less towel-head if you ask me. He was going to martyr himself for the Jihad anyway...

Cpl. Guerra: But, sir, I�m serious, he�s like rolling his sheet up, so it would be like a rope. I think he�s trying to hang himself, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: Don�t go makin� judgements about someone else�s religion, Corporal. That�s their way of signifyin� that there is only one God. He�s making the bed sheet into a one. Don�t worry about it, son.

Cpl. Guerra: With all due respect, Sir, but he�s forming it into a circle, or something...he looks really morose, sir, I think it�s more than just the Shahada.

Lt. Flannigan: Shahada? What the fuck is that, Corporal? Don�t tell me you been studyin� up on them motherfuckers...

Cpl. Guerra: Well, yes sir, we all had to take a training class about Islam, before they shipped us over, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: So, what�s the deal, you thinkin� �bout convertin�?

Cpl. Guerra: No, sir, I come from a family of devout Catholics, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: Yeah, me too, I could tell you some stories that�d make your ass pucker, son, about when I was an altar boy. That son of a bitch Father Maloney, damn near ripped my asshole open...

Cpl. Guerra: Uh, sir, he�s like making it into a circle or something, sir.

Lt. Flannigan: I told you don�t go judging other people�s religion. He�s just simbolizin� that the universe is one, ruled by Allah. You know that one in all, all in one thing.

Cpl. Guerra: No sir, I mean he�s making it round on the end, like making a noose out of it.

Lt. Flannigan: Naaaw, you�re crazy... that�s what they do to mark off the holy ground he�s gonna kneel down in, I betcha he�s facin� east, ain�t he?

Cpl. Guerra: Yes sir, he is facing east, but I think that�s just a coincidence...sir, he�s tied the round part into a noose like I suspected, what do I do, sir?
Lt. Flannigan: Aw, just ask Mohammad if he�s ok...you know without disturbin� his religious ritual.

Cpl. Guerra: Mohammad? Sir, his name Rashid al-Hemdi...

Lt. Flannigan: Shit, Corporal, don�t you know they�re ALL named Mohammad? Just like all you Mexicans are named Jesus (GEE-zuhs). Just ask Mr. Mohammad Al-Fuckyersister if he�s ok.

Cpl. Guerra: Hey, you ok?...hey, you ok?...he�s ignoring me sir, and he�s tying the straight end onto the roof of his cage. Sir, he�s trying to KILL HIMSELF!

Lt. Flannigan: These towel-heads are real sensitive about their prayer time, so just leave him alone, I don�t want Washington callin� down here because some pussy from Amnesty International says we wouldn�t let them pray in their accustomed way. I�m tellin� ya, leave him alone!

Cpl. Guerra: Sir, please sir, he�s got the noose around his neck and he�s hanging from it. He�s got his knees bent, so he�ll hang by the neck.

Lt. Flannigan: Well, shit...ok, let the fucker hang there till his pisses in his pants, and then cut him down. Goddamn fuckin� towel-heads...

(delay while Corporal Guerra cuts down inmate, unintelligible words)

Cpl. Guerra: Ok, sir, he�s down, and he�s still breathing. I saved his life, sir!

Lt. Flannigan: Shit, Goddamnit... you bleeding heart little cunt face, now he�s gonna be whining about not getting to Paradise.

Rashid al-Hemdi: (translation from Arabic) You pig! What do you care? Why don�t you leave me alone? I want to go to Paradise! God is Great! There is no God, but God!

Lt. Flannigan: See you little fucker? I told you to leave him be!

Rashid al-Hemdi: (uninterrupted in background) Death to America! Death to the Infidels!...There is no God, but God, and Mohammad is...

The only thing I can say about this fucking site is that I wish I had written it!

Yugoslavia Dead!

The vote was 55 in favor of dissolving Yugoslavia, and 7 opposed. The same 7 voted in favor of awarding the "Excellence in Achievement Medal" to the engineers that designed the Yugo. Makes you nostalgic for the Yugo doesn't it?

How Dare Them!

The US claims that Iraq has not complied with the UN's desire for it to disarm. If memory serves, the US did not comply with its obligations to pay membership dues to the UN for like a decade. I think we've paid up now, but only after we got what we wanted. No one can ignore the will of the world (except us, of course).

The International Court

The World Court issued an order for the US to not carry out any executions of Mexican citizens on death row in the US. Mexico sued and evidently was convincing that the US has violated the Geneva Convention by denying Mexicans on death row access to consular help. This may be another of those World Court decisions that we selectively ignore. We only follow the ones that are in our favor.

But, Would It Stand Up in Court?

A director of a children's charity commented on Michael Jackson's practice of letting children sleep in his bed with him, "This behaviour could be used as justification by people who want to harm or sexually abuse children as an excuse for their own behaviour." Can you imagine someone saying to the judge, "But, Your Honor, Michael Jackson does it"?

Who Needs Dr. Kevorkian When You Have a Chatroom?

Just Which One Is The New Age Religion?

The Vatican has warned us that following New Age therapies is false hope! Listed are Yoga, Feng Shui, and Shamanism. Probably each one of them is at least 2000 years older than Christianity. Would the real New Age religion please stand up?

If You Say It Enough Times, You Begin to Believe It

Ever since 9/11 Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense, has been trying to get us to believe that Iraq and Al-Qaeda are the same thing. He and his fellow travelers have been preaching this every chance they get. Never mind, that none of the intelligence sources can make the case. He's even got the President believing it. Well, this week Colin Powell is going to present the"proof" to the UN. If it's like other proofs they've offered, it will be less than convincing.

I Hope This Doesn't Use Up My 15 Minutes!

Earlier this week I submitted a question via email to a panel discussion called Amsterdam Forum that was to take place on Radio Netherlands. It turns out they used my question on the program. The website will let you listen to part of the program if you have Real Player, or you can get the times that they will broadcast a replay. I haven't been able to listen to it yet, so I don't know what they said.

But the Garlic Really Scared Them!

From De Telegraaf's (a Dutch newpaper) website: German police with weapons drawn, K9s, and a helicopter stopped a car on the autobahn because other drivers reported that they had seen the occupants in a rest stop pointing a gun at them. It turns the gun was a salami that they were eating for lunch. We must remain vigilant!

That Depends on How Passive Voice Is Defined

Passive voice is dead! It has been decreed from on high that we must cease and desist from any use of the passive voice. Oops, that last sentence used passive voice! Let me restate that: My superiors have decreed from on high that we must cease and desist from any use of the passive voice. It turns out that one of the letters a co-worker wrote came back to her to remove the word "was." In another instance one of the persons, who is so adamant about not using passive voice, attached a note which included passive voice to one of the returned letters. That person has also been characterized as the "agency asshole." Oops, that last sentence used passive voice! Let me restate that: Someone characterized him as the "agency asshole." Long live passive (aggressive) voice!

Here's a free update to last year's model.

Uh, Redefine?

There is a billboard on my way to work advertising Blue Cross/Blue Shield. It says, "Redefining healthcare." Yeah, like defining the word healthcare to mean no coverage.

How 'bout them Cowboys?

From the State of the Union speech: "Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why? The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate or attack. With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East and create deadly havoc in the region."

What if we exchanged the name George Bush with Saddam Hussein in the quote above? Hmm....

The State of the Disunion

Lookin' for somethin' to do while tryin' to avoid watchin' the arrogant Frat Boy impress his friends. God help us! Ya know, they say ya get whatcha ask for, so be careful 'bout what that is. Who asked for this chump? I didn't!

I saw this on a random blog that came up after I posted to my own blog. The translation is:

All the world
where I am not
appears perfect to me.

"A Virginia man who was trying to beat his dog to death with a shotgun accidentally shot himself to death." Found on Harper's website. Was the man also indicted for manslaughter?

Sounds Like He's Been Taking Lessons from W

Saddam Hussein convened his war cabinet and said: "I want you to know that even when I am not smiling, I am in fact smiling."

So, does that mean even when he's not frowning, he is in fact frowning?

You Want My Fingerprint? How 'bout I Give It to You in Your Eye?

The following is an account by a friend of mine about the lengths that we have gone to in our obsession for security. I guess it's security, can't think of any other reason.

"As he was accustomed to do, Mark went to his local supermarket to pay his
gas & electric bills. Mind you, there is a 50 cent charge for each transaction. That is only 13 cents more than it would cost to mail these items, but he likes the security of knowing the bills got paid. And he gets to interact with the store folk. And he had to go to the store anyway. The bills were very nearly past due. He does not want to get the reputation of being a 'late payer.' That goes on databases.

This dreary, drizzly morning, he set the checks on the mat before the clerk who was behind the counter. The clerk says, "Gee, that coffee smells real good." And it was darn good coffee, too. Mark explained where he got it and what kind to get. It was from a shop nearby. During this banter, the clerk slid an innocuous-looking round disk towards our humble billpayer. He said, "Will you put your left thumb there and then on your checks?"
Taken off guard a bit, Mark noticed it was a stamp pad. About the size of a half dollar. It had a handy plastic round cap -- no doubt to keep the ink wet while the pad was not in use.

He asked, "What's this for?" The lad replied the store now has everyone who presents checks at that counter to have their thumbprint on their checks. A precaution for fraudulent checkwriters, he said. He went on, "I know it seems a little 'big brother'. We used to just have the people cashing payroll checks do it. But my boss now wants everyone to."

Mark then said, "Well, I won't pay checks here anymore." He did not say this in a nasty tone. He did not mean to belittle the young man or put him on the spot. The booth clerk, of course, was only doing his job. Just before he turned to leave the line, he paused and asked, "If I pay with a check out there, at the registers, you don't have me give my thumbprint there. You run some scan on my check to see if the account is good or
something like that." The lad mumbled no real reply. Both remained good-natured about the whole affair. Each appreciated good coffee. All had begun well. Mark then said, "How many people turn you down on this." The clerk replied, "Oh, not many. Most people comply."

What's up with this? Sounds like neoliberalism without the smile.

Not So Super

It is with a heavy heart that I report the commercials were disappointing. The one with the little dog knocking the cap off of the fire plug was good, as was the one with the girlfriend and her big assed mother. But, all in all pretty much a let-down. Sorta like the game itself. The last few years have produced some close games that weren't decided until the very last seconds, but this one was like the games of yesteryear that were very short on excitement. It was like one of the teams would always get over-confident or over-excited, and wouldn't play worth a shit. Well, it happened again yesterday. The Raiders are better than they played in the game. Too bad that just one of the teams played up to its abilities.

Super Sunday

It's time for that annual glorification of organized sanctioned violence and the advertising industry. I'm actually a football fan, but this is over the top. I find the commercials much more interesting that the game. Although, I must say that last year's crop was not very good. I hope they make up for it this year. If it was up to me, I'd do one with Saddam Hussein in it. Like drinking a Pepsi, or singing the praises of OB tampons.

Saddam Hussein (smiling, looking straight into the camera, holding a box of OB's in left hand with box clearly readable.) [close shot]: "I like my women to use OBs during that time of the month. I feel so good knowing they were developed by a woman gynecologist. I like my army to use Sarin gas during those difficult times. I feel good knowing it was developed by a man engineer."